Archives for April 2016

The Beauty and Work of Friendship

04.26.2016 by Kim Findlay //

Today we’re excited to introduce the winner of our first contest through Facets of Faith – Gloria Cooley. Gloria is a gifted writer & speaker, friend, wife, and mom of 2 littles. Read on to learn how a necklace, a backpack, and a little girl helped her see the beauty of friendship.

Recently, my seven-year-old daughter wanted to buy a necklace. Not just any necklace but a “best friends” one. You know, the kind that has a heart or puzzle piece or some other object divided into two parts with “Best” written on one piece and “Friend” on the other? She brought the necklace over to me with great enthusiasm and asked if she could use her money to buy it. My gut reaction was “NO” but thankfully I hesitated before answering. I asked her with whom she would like to share the necklace. She really did not have a specific friend in mind and quickly listed a few names of girls at school. A short conversation ensued as we talked about what friendship and a best friend looks like. After a few minutes my daughter named a girl who truly is a good friend to her. We talked about why it might be nice to share this necklace with her. The purchase was made and my girl left the store with the joy of childhood friendship on her face and a plan of how to gift her friend with this necklace.

Friendship. If only it were as simple as purchasing an inexpensive necklace and gifting it to another with a pinky promise of being friends for life; however, developing and maintaining friendships is not always that easy.

C.S Lewis spoke of friendship in this way – “The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”

God, the Creator, is at work revealing the beauty of others and Himself through the gift of friendship. It takes work on our part to acknowledge that beauty and respond. Some friendships develop naturally over shared neighborhoods, activities, and churches. Other friendships are a little more unlikely. These friendships develop despite geographic location, shared interests, and ethnicity.

Some of my favorite childhood books included stories of unlikely friendships or better yet what I like to refer to as God ordained friendships. Wilbur and Charlotte (Charlotte’s Web), Tod and Copper (Fox and the Hound), Pooh and Piglet (Winnie the Pooh), Mowgli and Baloo (The Jungle Book), Anne Shirley and Diana Berry (Anne of Green Gables), David and Jonathan (1 Samuel), the list could go on and on. Each of these friendships was unique and comprised of two unlikely individuals whose paths crossed and a friendship was formed.

Over the years, I myself have had a number of friendships that could only be God ordained and most certainly used to reveal His beauty. One such friendship developed across an ocean and a generation. We were the unlikeliest of friends: me, a college student from Florida, serving as a missionary in Hawaii, she a church secretary, wife and mother from Georgia. There was no reason our paths should ever cross, but God knew otherwise.

God used this unlikely friendship to teach each of us about Himself and reveal to us the beauty of the other. As Anne Shirley would say, it was “positively providential” that she and I would meet. Through a crazy series of events including a young college student from Georgia, a stolen backpack, a gift of help, a visit to Maui, a seminar at a conference for Sunday school teachers and later a trip to Georgia, this unlikely friendship began to blossom.

This friendship spanned miles and years filled with much laughter, joy and sorrow. We did not see the beauty of this friendship from the start and there have been times over the past 18 years that we have lost sight of the beauty God intended to reveal, but ultimately this friendship has been a picture of our Creator. A beautiful picture of what it means to share life with another. To encourage, uplift, admonish, teach and rebuke when needed.

The beauty of this friendship is not because of the two, flawed individuals involved but by the grace of God and our willingness to look past the surface and trust what God intended for our friendship. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”

As I think back to the joy on my daughter’s face as she purchased that necklace I can only pray that she will experience a number of friendships that will point her to God, reveal her inner beauty and allow her to return the same.

Life is Better with Friends

04.19.2016 by Kim Findlay //

It’s my (Kim) turn at Facets of Faith to continue the conversation about friendship. If you missed what Tracy and Jen shared, click on their names to catch their perspective.

I’ve thought a lot about this topic and feel I keep coming up short. What am I suppose to write about friendship that you might not already know? What words do I pour onto the page to encourage others to engage or simply read what I write? If I were completely honest, I would tell you how often I wonder if I’m even a good friend at all. I can be self-centered and ultra-focused. I forget birthdays, anniversaries, and making deadlines.

I can be somewhat afraid of people, too. Not in a weird, I’ve-got-to-hide-at-home kind of way. Truthfully, I often feel like I just don’t measure up. So I withdraw with polite hello’s and intentional how-are-ya’s. But not much connection beyond that. Humans can be so complicated and confusing – of which I may be one of the most confusing and complicated. Hormones kick in (yay for those middle years!), circumstances rise up, and I’m a mess. How in the world do I walk through someone else’s mess when I struggle with my own?

I’ve seen the damage done to a woman’s heart when a friendship is betrayed by gossip. I’ve witnessed the brokenness that occurs when pettiness wins and critical spirits take root.

Why does that happen? Why do we, as women, compete against one another? One up each other?

Who has the thinner figure . . .

The cuter kids . . .

The sweeter husband . . .

The prettier nails . . .

So I used to stay away from friendships like that. Partly because my figure was always larger, partly because I don’t have all of my kids anymore, divorce marred me, and as for my nails? Well, I’ve never been one to worry much about those.

But as years passed, God healed the deeply broken places where love resides. I realized I did have precious friendships. Women who loved me with my quirks and simple preferences. Women who supported me, prayed for me, spurred me on, and who allowed me to do the same in their lives.

And now? Well, now I have friends like Tracy and Jen. And no, they don’t know I’m writing about them. Being true to my challenging nature, I’m writing this late and they probably won’t even read it before it posts.

I’m grateful for these two in my life because we get to live life together, embracing the joys and sorrows, the celebrations and uncertainties. There’s no pretense and no competition with these two ladies. Probably because we know and celebrate Tracy’s incredible style, Jen’s wiz at all things technical, and my need for connection.

But more than that is because we get each other. We each have our own stories of broken hearts and insecure dreams. We each wonder if what we’re doing for our kids or our husbands (and husband-to-be) is our absolute best. We each seek after God, pursuing Him first – well, most of the time. We’ve experienced grace when we’ve messed up and offered grace when someone else does.

We ask the tough questions of one another and allow space for our own answers to pour out from those deep hidden places within. We tell silly stories we don’t want anyone else to hear, and we laugh. A lot. Sometimes those stories are borderline inappropriate, and sometimes they’re so saccarine-y sweet, we laugh until our laughter is laced with tears.

But what I’ve learned most about friendship from these two ladies is the gift of being present, of being real. No, this isn’t a plug to continue to read our posts at Facets. This is a snapshot into our real-life friendship. A friendship that has grown out of the love for the written word over the past couple of years. A friendship that has been a refreshing, life-giving gift to me. A friendship that has become a living, breathing example of one of my favorite passages in Scripture:

So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.

1 Thessalonians 5:11, NLT

Because that’s what we do, no matter what happens. We know how tough life can be and we’ve chosen to be each other’s cheerleader, encouraging each other on toward a life of love and grace, of obedience and faith. After all, isn’t life better with friends?

Friendship: The Road to Deep Connection

04.12.2016 by Jennifer Howe //

One of my growth areas has been friendship. I (Jennifer) have fond memories including my friends, and I remember my first friend, the next-door neighbor.

I experienced warm feelings associated with friend relationships first. Friendship meant waiting at the bus stop, making summer “dandelion butter,” and riding bikes on quiet streets. I eventually used “best friend” and “friends forever” in conversation and yearbooks. (The next gen shortened those to “BFF.”)

Then there were conflicts. I remember a pair of black-and-white saddle shoes bruising my shins a time or two. Sometimes there were harsh words, “Go home! I don’t want to play with you anymore,” or “I’ll never talk to you again!” The silent treatment could last hours, days, or longer. Honestly, that was the most painful—the break in friend relationship without resolution.

Friendships aren’t simple. In our transient culture they feel seasonal. The best ones are established and freely pick up where they left off at any time. A few are constant, face-to-face, and weather all kinds of storms. Some relationships are fun, and some are functional. Misunderstandings and meltdowns are givens.

Friends are often my relational teachers. My perspective on friendship has been shaped by people who have been willing to hang with me through all sorts of situations—and there have been plenty of situations!

May I share some relational gems I’ve gathered and then let you in on a little secret about a couple of my favorite friends?

Connecting
People connect in various ways: events, preferences, shared knowledge or experiences. An initial connection might look like—

“I like music.”
“So do I! I really like U2—”
“I love U2! Did you catch Bono’s 30-second drumming video? Hilarious!”

I’ve begun friendships over interests, and you have, too. It’s fun when favorite things are shared, but the diversity of my hobbies would land me in a room full of people with little connection. Some of that is expected; it can feel oddly disjointed. I’ve found deeper, beyond-acquaintance friendships have something more significant than a hobby at the center.

Sharing
A friend taught me something like “pairing the sharing” (though I lean toward adding “paring the sharing”). In the beginning, sharing might look like this—

“I’m the oldest of three. I have two brothers.”
“I don’t have any brothers, but I do have three sisters.”

Sharing is paired over the topic, siblings, and no one dominates. Compare that to—

“I have three sisters.”
“I have two brothers, and they were horrible little beasts! They tortured me every chance they got. Let me tell you about the wiffle bat incident and the blood involved…”

Awkward.

I like to try matching the conversation topic and depth (pairing) and keeping remarks brief at first (paring down details). That’s a great way to test relational waters!

Caring
Good friendship maintains “other focus.” A temptation in conversation is to fill uncomfortable silence. Have you listened with the sole intent of responding? That’s not genuine listening; it’s hearing with the goal of injecting yourself into the conversation. (This is my growth area.) A caring attitude values others (Philippians 2:3).

Care by offering your full attention. Listen well. Electronic interruptions can wait. Your “I know! That happened to me, too, when—” stories can wait. Even your best ideas and solutions can wait. Listening with your whole self can be hard, but your friend is worth it!

Daring to be Different
As many connections as we might make, remember: we are separate, distinct individuals. Common interests, preferences, or experiences should not suggest we relate in unhealthy ways. (This can be tricky!)

Any relationship has the potential to encourage in different ways, but no one gets to live rent-free in anyone’s head or pull the puppet strings in our lives. Not only is separation expected, it’s necessary!

It’s good to discover areas of difference. If we press into the differences, perspectives can be challenged, shaped, and grown. We can learn from those who are different from us, and that can be beautiful in healthy relationships.

Hanging in There
Miscommunication, mistakes, and offenses happen. When it gets tough, try not to abandon the friendship. Instead—

Pause communication (Gently indicate need for a pause.)

Breathe (Insert prayer here.)

Look for your responsibility (It’s better this way!)

Reconcile, if possible (Reconciliation is important to God!)

So what does this look like in real life? It looks like the FACETS Team. We connected in writing and faith. We began to care about each other when life stories were shared, but we committed to caring for the long haul. We recognize differences, and we’re learning to love—and leverage—them for our collective growth.

When we gather for dinner or to work together, we practice listening with our whole selves. We look and listen for clues to others’ needs (sometimes an awkward dance between personal relationship and productivity). It’s possible to inadvertently tap dance on someone’s toes, and then we lean in, rather than back away.

I love these ladies! We are committed to one another first, and we’d sacrifice a little productivity for one of our hearts. In a heartbeat! The friendships are more precious than the project, even though the project deepened the relationships.

Friendship means we are for one another and we get to write together.

________________________

I’d love to hear your thoughts on friendship! Share them in the comments below, on the Facebook page, or on Twitter. Don’t forget to share us with a friend!