Archives for August 2016

How Has Forgiveness Transformed My Relationships?

08.23.2016 by Laura Forman //

This month we are honored to share the words and wisdom of our guest contributor and friend, Laura Forman. We think you’ll be blessed by her perspective on the power of forgiveness.

The question I was asked to reflect upon is, “How has forgiveness transformed my relationships?” What I love more than being asked is the presumption I actually practice forgiveness.

My younger brother picked the measly lock and read my diary when I was 12 and gushing on about my love for the neighbor boy. Prying into my deep, innermost secrets wasn’t enough; he couldn’t help but blab all the details to you know who. I was enraged. Mom made him apologize, and I was to forgive. Obviously, I’m not completely over it and have more work to do.

I’m sure you have even bigger hurts than stolen diaries, and I’m no different. All of my important relationships have brought some level of pain. Some relationships didn’t last, most have, and forgiveness has helped both.

Embarrassing as it is, until about six years ago, I gave only lip service to forgiveness. How does one forgive? I thought it was something I just had to think about. I assumed it was a head thing; I tried to will myself to forgive. However, I got no results. I was imprisoned in misery until I absolutely had to learn to forgive.

Even now, I’m not perfect (though I’m still holding hope). I have been known to: take things personally, etch all harms into my long term memory, craft detailed arguments to shift blame away from me, put up emotional walls, re-hash conflict and let resentment permeate my mind even when that person is no longer a part of my life. None of this is forgiveness.

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you used it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:37-38

Forgiveness hasn’t merely transformed my relationships, it has transformed me. Here’s what I’ve learned about it so far:

It takes introspection.

Relationships are great mirrors. When frustrated with someone’s behavior, it’s usually because I’m guilty of the exact same thing. And, if there is someone to forgive, chances are I’ve contributed to the issue in some big or small way.

I look at myself with honesty, admit my part and make amends without hesitation.

“How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye…” Luke 6:42

It takes repetition.

I may think I’ve moved on, but if the thought of the wrong brings with it all the hurt feelings, then I’m not done. If the thought of the person or action doesn’t bring empathy to my heart, I have not forgiven. Forgiveness takes practice, patience and extended grace.

There is no limit to forgiveness. I will always forgive.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seven times seventy times.” Matthew 18:21-22 (ESV/KJV)

It’s the key to happiness.

My faith story shows a clear before and after. Worry, fear, shame and despair each turned to their opposite, in an instant. I was touched by Spirit and transformed. I was forgiven by God for the complete mess I had made of my life. The forgiveness I receive gives me the power and obligation to in turn forgive others.

Forgiveness lightens my burdens and creates freedom in my life.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

It’s not up to me.

Ultimately what allows me to forgive is the belief that God is in charge and I am not. He is the only one qualified to change hearts and dole justice, in ways much more effective than my own. I believe the promise that He is working out all circumstances for my good if I follow His commands, especially to love no matter what.

Each challenge is a reminder to rely on God to fight my battles. My focus is on following Jesus.

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink… Romans 12:19-20

It was a forgone conclusion that forgiveness is a big part of my life because of my faith, because I take it seriously. If you’ve not felt the transformative power of forgiveness, give it a chance. Learn from the best teacher, He’s given us a road map in His word. You have nothing to lose but your prison.

What Role Does Forgiveness Play in Transforming Relationships?

08.16.2016 by Tracy Stella //

Forgiveness. That’s the topic this month. If you haven’t had a chance to read what Kim and Jennifer have to say about it, take a look at their perspectives. My guess is most of us can use several different angles to embrace the significant role it plays in our relationships.

There’s a reason we hear so many sermons on forgiveness: because it’s hard to forgive. We can want to because we know we should. Even then, our flesh may argue and say “I don’t want to” or “I can’t”. Certainly, I’ve participated in those internal wrestling matches.

What do you do when the person you need to forgive most (or first) is yourself? What do you do when you were the one in the wrong?

Forgiving ourselves may be the very place many of us need to start the grace-filled process. How we treat ourselves reflects how we will treat others. Every relationship we have is first sourced in the relationship we have with me, myself, and I.

If we judge ourselves harshly, we will judge others in that fashion as well.

We’re all more fragile than perhaps we’re willing to admit. We need to be gentle and tender with ourselves, because God calls us to be kind and gentle—to ourselves too. Repent, yes. Absolutely. Beat ones’ self up? No. Absolutely not.

Some people feel they don’t deserve forgiveness. I’ve felt that way before. I’ve been my very best punisher, at least some of the time. Maybe you have done that to yourself too.

Early in my walk with the Lord, I disassociated from my sinful self. I was ashamed of “her” – who I was before the Lord set this former captive free. My finger pointed disapprovingly at me. I was harsh with who I once was, running fast and far from my former actions. Perhaps this is where the saying “shame on you” comes from. When we don’t forgive ourselves, we’re participating in the enemy’s plan to place shame on us and inhibit our effectiveness for Christ.

When we don’t feel worthy, who else will think we are? That’s exactly where the enemy wants to keep us. Inhibited. Ineffective. In shame. And shame leads to sin. Think about it. It stands to reason if we think we’re not worthy of forgiveness, we could think “might as well just go ahead and sin anyhow”. I’ve seen this in my own life. I’ve seen it in ministry. It’s an awful sight.

It’s an avoidable sight.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control; against such things there is no law.—Galatians 5:22-23 ESV

Against such things there is no law. There is no law against being kind and gentle with ones’ self. We need to be. Our destiny depends on it. As we grow in our ability to be kind and gentle toward ourselves, the Spirit will produce even more good fruit in and through us. We’ll be gentle with others as well.

So if you are in a place where you find it difficult to forgive yourself, consider the impact on God’s kingdom. Do it for the sake of all the good fruit you will produce for God. Don’t let shame and unforgiveness interfere with your destiny. What God has planned for you is far too important for that!

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.—Ephesians 2:10 ESV

Forgiveness is one of those good works God desires us to walk in. He prepared forgiveness before we were born. He packaged it, expecting one day we’d open the box in anticipation of all it offered. He shed His blood on the cross so we could walk, head held high knowing we are forgiven and free and blessed beyond measure. We know we don’t deserve forgiveness, yet we accept it. Fully. God wants us to.

Don’t return the gift He has given.

It’s yours. He wants you to have it. Receive it even if it’s extravagant. It is and that’s by God’s design. Forgiveness packs the power to transform your relationship with God, yourself, and everyone else you encounter.

What is God asking you to forgive yourself for today? How will forgiveness affect the relationship with yourself? How will forgiving yourself affect the relationships you have with others?

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Forgiveness—or “Lava Cake and Choosing to Love”

08.09.2016 by Jennifer Howe //

As I think about our topic for this month, I’m aware it easily dovetails with my earlier post in the Perspective series on others. I wondered if this week would be “Part Deux,” and I’m walking the road farther with fresh eyes. Seeing others differently is the beginning of the journey, but something, maybe elusive but critical, takes us further: a decision. Maybe similar to an old Chicago voting slogan, we should decide early and decide often.

I’ll let you in on a secret—I’m a little like rich, dark chocolate lava cake. Lovely squat structure, a little spongy on the outside, but just below the surface is a warm, ooey-gooey puddle waiting to spill out. I’m a little soft and emotional that way, but most people won’t see it. Many of us have the self-control to limit our emotional vulnerability to those closest to us. There’s my problem. Probably like you, with few exceptions, my emotional “lava” is reserved for the regular characters in my story. They are close in proximity and emotional connection. The rude customer service rep is a one-time offense. The cold actions, hurtful words, or painfully obvious silence from a family member can have higher frequency. If I let my emotional “puddle” have its way, offenses add up, get stuck, and then spew. (Insert a mental image of vertical lava spew here rather than slow spread.)

It’s too easy to get into a rotten relational cycle, and that usually involves a grudge. So what’s the solution? When I take a look at Peter’s question and Jesus’ response, I pause for a bit.

Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how many times could my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”

“I tell you, not as many as seven,” Jesus said to him, “but 70 times seven.” Matthew 18: 21-22 HCS

I want to ask, “Jesus, do you mean 490 times a day? A week? Over a lifetime?” Did Peter want to ask those questions? I’m strikingly similar to the disciples; I have tendencies toward the search for understanding…and sometimes a loophole. That’s a bigger problem than I might want to admit.

Jesus’ use of the numbers 7 and 70 had purpose. He wasn’t suggesting a product solution of the two; he was indicating something significant (a cultural understanding of sacred numbers: innumerable responses and complete forgiveness[1]). I’m pretty sure the translation should be something like, “There is no offense that shouldn’t be forgiven.” Not one. Really? Absolutely.

The 490 times is important. Every offense. Every time. This is the “Forgive early, and forgive often” part of the process. Allowing resentment to simmer for any length of time only builds heat, pressure, and intensity. (Ask me. I know.) If it’s true that freedom waits on the other side of forgiveness, then why would any of us want to be in chains any longer than necessary. We can be free now!

In everyday life, I get tired. That’s when I make mistakes. I know the right thing to do, but it doesn’t enter my mind during the emotional chaos, or I just don’t want to do what is right. It’s important to acknowledge my ridiculous human frailty and my sinful nature that fights every step of the way as I try to learn, embrace, and live out the spiritual life my Abba wants for me. Sigh. This is not an easy fight, but it’s worthwhile! I want to remember there are consequences for the lackadaisical attitude every time I adopt it.

Every time I give up the fight, there is less “fight” in me for the next time. This isn’t new. The comfort level expands each time I relax into a decision (good or bad). If I’m candid with you all, I have relaxed into resentment too often simply because my pride says I deserve better treatment than I’ve received. You, too?

Oh boy! The truth is—I deserve nothing better than the punishment for sin because I have sinned.

For the wages of sin is death Romans 6:23a

Unless—

but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23b

How do I magnify the offenses against me and minimize the offenses I’ve mounted against the One who is perfectly holy and has every right to punish those offenses? Suddenly, it can be “all about me” again. What does Scripture say about choosing resentment, carefully keeping lists of offenses, and nursing every grudge just a little longer to make someone else pay or make me feel better?

Love is patient; love is kind. Love does not envy; is not boastful; is not conceited; does not act improperly; is not selfish; is not provoked; does not keep a record of wrongs; finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

When my choices do not reflect love, I have to ask myself what they do reflect.

Then I read Jesus’ words in Matthew:

For if you forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will not forgive yours. 6:14-15 CJB

These two verses have always given me pause, but maybe not often enough. My Abba is not playing games with me, as if my relationship to Him were fragile or uncertain. The general commentary consensus is that the Church, those who identify as “God’s people,” are to be forgiving because we have received precious, unending forgiveness through Jesus. Every offense. Every time.

What do you think about the topic this month? Has forgiveness come easily to you? I’d love to hear how you came to a place of merciful or gracious forgiveness for others in your life. Or, feel free to kick around some of the difficulties you’ve faced. I’d love to read and respond to your thoughts below in the comments or at the Facebook page!

Thanks for reading along, friends!

¹ https://bible.org/question/what-significance-numbers-scripture, August 2016.

Scripture sourced from www.biblestudytools.com