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Archives for May 2017

A Mama’s Heart on Guilt and Learning to Fly

05.16.2017 by Kim Findlay //

We’ve been chatting about something most moms feel at some point in their lives: mama guilt. What do we do with it? How does it affect our parenting? Tracy and Jen shared earlier this month, be sure to check out their stories. Today, it’s my (Kim) turn and I’m sharing something I don’t typically talk about so here we go . . .


He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.” Isaiah 40:11, NLT

I sat next to my oldest girl, stuffed into an auditorium seat along with hundreds of other students and parents listening to the college president speak.

How did we get there? College freshman orientation. Where had the time flown? Wasn’t I just a student myself with my entire life spread out before me?

Instead, I sat next to Kelsey trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill. This girl and I had been through so much together. Years of just the two of us as I parented alone. Learning to combine our little family with another as we became a blended family of five and, eventually, adding Emma for a total of six, followed by years that tumbled with trials and hardship, laughter and love.

The president’s words invaded my moment of reminiscing. I tuned in to hear him challenge us to encourage our kids to leave our nest and allow them to fly on their own.

I chuckled and nudged her – that’s exactly what I said! She didn’t like hearing that so much. I believe one of my jobs as a mom is to raise my kids to leave the nest and care for themselves. I still believe that. I wanted Kelsey to take care of herself, no matter what life brought her way.

Oh, how I wanted her to live well and lead a different life than I created.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me,O God. They cannot be numbered!” Psalm 139:13-17, NLT

I was in my second year of college and on track to become a teacher. I didn’t have a boyfriend but yearned to be loved. The yearning became so strong that I chose sex before marriage and ended up pregnant. There’s more to that story but some details aren’t meant to be shared, only left in the past with grace. But that single decision led another and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl though I was barely past the girl stage myself. I was twenty years old.

Even then I determined to protect and provide for my girl, no matter what. I determined to raise her to be strong and courageous and compassionate and deeply, deeply loved.

But there were days, and sometimes still are, when the weight of guilt presses down accusing me of all I’ve done wrong, pointing its snarly finger at every place I’ve failed, how I failed her.

When those thoughts and feelings of failure take root, others often join in until I tumble headfirst toward despair. They remind me that life didn’t get easier after I married. In fact, it turned much more difficult when we lost her youngest sister in a fire that destroyed all we knew and grief ripped at our souls. I did my best to protect her from the worst and tried to make up for what she lost, because she lost so very much, but I could only do so much.

So I pushed and encouraged and prayed, sometimes from a place of genuine love but often through a heart filled with guilt. Oh, how I love my girl and wanted to keep her safe, shielding her from the wounds of life. I didn’t want her to feel the pain and rejection I experienced from being a young single mom and the hardship that followed.

My fear of her pain and being crushed by my own pushed me to learn more about God’s character as I experienced the depth of His love. I realized the greatest gift I could give my girl was a life whole heartedly pursuing Jesus. That meant I needed to give Jesus access to my whole heart, allowing Him to heal the broken places and breathe life into the wounded spaces. That meant I needed to release the crushing power of guilt and shame to the One who frees and doesn’t condemn, and choose to trust God to redeem and restore all that had been destroyed.

It was during those dark days that I also began to learn in order to truly fight for my girl, I needed to wage war in a different way. I couldn’t protect her from the sorrows of this world, so much was beyond my control. But I could pray to the One who ultimately protects and loves her infinitely more than I do.

So when the spiral of despair begin and the feelings swoop in, I grab hold of them and bring them to Jesus in prayer. Scripture says it this way:

The world is unprincipled. It’s dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn’t fight fair. But we don’t live or fight our battles that way – never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren’t for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose though and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, The Message

I started to see a better way to protect her, to fight for her. I longed to see my girl experience healing in her own heart and soul, and to grow in wisdom and strength. I longed for her to see God’s hand at work, especially during those darkest of days.

There’s such a tender balance between allowing our kids to experience pain trusting they find hope. It’s such a fine line to walk praying they’ll see Jesus knowing it often happens at the bottom of a pit. But pray I did, and will continue to until my final breath.

As I sat next to Kelsey at her college freshman orientation and allowed the tidal wave of emotions splash over me – the guilt and hope, the excitement and fear, the love and loss – I was reminded again that God is bigger than my feelings, and He is greater than my failures and guilt. For sitting beside me was a beautiful, strong, and independent young woman who had begun to learn to follow Jesus on her own. She could have chosen a different way or even hidden from her own pain. Instead, she was learning to fly, just as her mama had prayed.

Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:30-31, NLT

How do you navigate mama’s guilt? Join the conversation by commenting below or jump over to our Facebook page and share. We mamas need to stick together!

Categories // Kim Findlay's Perspective, Life, Mama Guilt Tags // encouragement, Guilt, hope, Isaiah 40, Kim Findlay, mom guilt, prayer, Psalm 139, Shame, single moms, single parenting

Precious Gems for a Mama: Facts and Faith

05.09.2017 by Jennifer Howe //

It’s May! And that’s Mother’s Day month, so we thought we’d take a peek at “mama guilt.” If you haven’t read Tracy’s post, please do. She did a beautiful job. Kim’s up next week. Then we’re bringing back our sweet friend, Erin Thompson, the following week. It’s going to be a great month at FACETS!

I (Jennifer) have two arrows in the quiver, and (at 16 and 18) it seems like my sons will be flying out into the world to find their mark any second now. Time is a funny thing. Diaper changes and homemade baby foods were yesterday and forever ago at the same time. I’m in that season the mamas told me about. I didn’t believe them, but they were right. Time flies. And the arrows will fly, too.

I’m sifting through memories, and my heart is tender. My guys don’t know watery eyes and sniffs go with that. A picture from years ago appears in my social feed. I stumble on a video of my sons being silly and love every second of it. I want to relive some of the memories on the highlight reel over and over. You have some of those, don’t you? And they’re not always the “perfect” ones.

One arrow was affectionately known as “Poo-ccasso” for a few days. One boy may have dug through the drywall above his crib the day before our house closing. Jack the wonder sheltie, hated the 90-minute bath following the spray starch spiked hair incident. There was the pearl pink nail color incident. “Three drawers in a row makes a ladder” logic gave me fits for three weeks when I couldn’t figure out who was getting on top of the fridge and into the freezer. Time keeps marching on. Those days are faded images (and some are finally funny). *Grin* (If you’ve got great stories like these, please share them!)

Mamas have piles of memories. Some are precious. Sometimes we don’t realize how precious they were. Then something happens over time—we cherish different moments and learn to look at things with a little more perspective. In the moment, though…

I know I’m not the only one to be a hot mess as a mama. My sons’ allergic reactions made me feel terrible. I wondered if my child would ever eat something besides Goldfish, mac n’ cheese, and hot dogs. I was the first teacher my kids would know, and my work was cut out—eating, drinking, toilet training, hygiene, first words, counting, colors, the alphabet. Asking, telling, and listening were important skills. The virtues of sharing, honesty, and obedience were high priorities. Mamas are precious to child development, and a hefty emotional load can accompany the responsibility.

Not only was I the first teacher my sons knew, but as homeschoolers, I was one of the few they knew. Somewhere in junior high the academics pushed a “guilt button” I never knew I had. My mama guilt was rooted in a fear of the “what ifs” in life. Because decisions have consequences, I wondered if our choices (my husband’s, mine, and my sons’) would be devastating in the long run. Honestly, I was laser-focused on me, the mama, and the decisions I made. I can still hear my own voice—“Will this turn out okay? Have I messed up the rest of his life? I’m the worst mom ever!”

In 19 years I’ve learned a few things that may help a mama fighting the battle rooted in fear, the one I still fight. Sometimes a mix of facts and faith can ease it.

“Just the Facts, Ma’am…”

Whatever we learn from the first child does not apply to the second.
I have only two sons, but I know most moms would agree: no two are alike. So, parent the child in the moment according to the immediate need. Some rules apply to every child; some don’t. Stop comparing siblings, friends, or imaginary children. Don’t assume one child’s success, skill set, or mistake is another’s. Whatever is happening is this child in this moment, not any other at any other time. Age, personality, and persistence in the child matters, but I try hard to be in the moment with the child in front of me.

Nobody’s perfect!
You are not. Your child is not. I like to think my sons will find their way through the natural dysfunction that’s part of every family (including ours). I have made mistakes; I’m sure I do that daily. I want to be quick to see the problem and respond with the appropriate apology. A little perspective helps. If I could do two things over, it would be to have a better grip on age-appropriate expectations for my kids and the necessary diligence in inspecting whatever is expected. Realistic expectations and diligent oversight would have saved a lot of trouble. Still, apologies smoothed a lot of rifts.

Shape the heart; don’t try to control it.
Children have their own preferences and personal decision-making process. A mama can help shape the process, but she cannot control it. We all know independent hearts will do whatever they like given freedom. As a child grows, the balance of control and responsibility shifts. It’s a messy transfer, but it’s necessary while children are in the home establishing themselves, before they take flight. Mistakes at home are far easier to navigate than somewhere out in the big, wide world.

It’s not all about you!
Mama, you know you’re not the only influence on your child, right? Of course, you do. You know they have their own will and make their own choices, too. Guard your heart against guilt over their decisions.

What’s done isn’t exactly done.
Think you’ve made too many mistakes? While you have opportunity, take it. Apologize. Encourage. Talk about and show the love you have for your child. Talk about how the relationship could be better…or fixed.

“It’s a Matter of Faith!”

Mamas, can I be real? It’s hard being a mom—it’s also beautiful and precious and raw and joyful and tearful and a million other things. If all the responsibility fell squarely on our shoulders, we’d shatter into a gazillion pieces. (Maybe you have memories of moments that felt just like that. I do.) Can I suggest the antidote to mama guilt is faith perspective.

God is Bigger!

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Our God is not surprised by our struggles, choices (both good and bad), or fears. He knows and cares about us. You and your child are precious in His sight. Don’t forget that. He will help you, Mama (and your child). He is strong enough and loves you that much!

God’s Plan and Purposes are Good!

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28

And God is able to make every grace overflow to you, so that in every way, always having everything you need, you may excel in every good work.  2 Corinthians 9:8

For it is God who is working in you, [enabling you] both to will and to act for His good purpose. Philippians 2:13

When the twists and turns, difficult hills, and dark valleys in the lives of our kids become too much for us mamas, remember that God’s plan is also bigger than we can see. He loves our children, and he wants the very best for their lives.

Your Prayers Matter!

Pray constantly.  1 Thessalonians 5:17

And if I could encourage one thing—pray, pray, and pray more! The times I was clueless about what to do, prayer made all the difference. The two-year-old temper tantrum in the store ended when I prayed and listened. God whispered, “Tell him to say he’s sorry.” As true now as it was then—the more I ask God for help, the smoother my parenting moments seem to go. And when mamas get together to pray, mountains can move, so don’t forget to keep your friends close.

I’ve enjoyed sharing this week, and I sure hope we’ll have some great conversation this month. If you’ve got a funny story, please share in the comments below or at our Facebook page. If you’ve got some precious gems you’ve learned, we could sure use some of that collective wisdom, too. Please add your thoughts.

Thanks for reading and sharing!

Signature, Jennifer Howe

Categories // Jennifer Howe's Perspective, Life, Mama Guilt Tags // 1 Thessalonians 5:17, 2 Corinthians 9:8, Facets of Faith, Isaiah 41:10, Jennifer J Howe, Mama Guilt, Mother's Day, Philippians 2:13, Romans 8:28

How Has Mama Guilt Affected Your Parenting?

05.04.2017 by Tracy Stella //

In the month set aside for well-deserved celebration of mothers, we want to talk about a topic most moms wrestle with at some point ─guilt. We experience guilt over situations, decisions made, actions taken (or not), and words said (or not).  This month Facets of Faith considers How has mama guilt affected your parenting?

Let’s face it. Being a mom is hard work! To borrow a tagline from the Peace Corp:

It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love!

If you’re a mom, I (Tracy) know you’ll need no convincing. It is a tough job. There are certain seasons where you wring your hands and think, How will I ever get through this? I don’t have enough energy, wisdom, or wherewithal to do this well.

Dirty diapers. Spilled juice on a freshly scrubbed floor. Toddler season. Temper tantrums without reason. The tough stuff God uses to mold and shape us as mothers.

My son is now an adult, but that doesn’t necessarily make parenting easier. In some ways, it’s perhaps harder. Influence not completely gone, but different. Less day-to-day and more dependence on the Lord as we lose control over our children’s decision-making.

Parenting isn’t for sissies.

Lucky for us, God gives us blessings through our children and the sweet moments of days gone by we treasure up in our hearts even as we make new memories along the way. Like Jesus’ mom, Mary, we store them up as keepsakes in our memory banks. The sweet smiles, the mom I love you’s, days at the park, pushing of swing, first day of anything, saved macaroni art moments.

So many things about being a mom I wouldn’t change one single bit.

But there are others.

The I wish I would have…. (fill in the blank).

My mama guilt started at conception. I wasn’t married to my son’s father. My single in the suburbs belly bump set off a barrage of shame. There were enough shame bombs detonated by my decision to partake in pre-marital sex to destroy my mama self-esteem along the way and muddy up my decision-making ability.

Shame overwhelmed me as I sat, legs dangling over the edge of the doctor’s table waiting for him to confirm what I was terrified was true. I cried when I found out I was pregnant.  How does an honor roll girl find herself in these places of dishonor? Shame that root too.

After the breaking news of my emerging belly bump leaked to the general public, shame set in deeper. I remember wishing I could get a fake wedding band, so people wouldn’t think I was single in the suburbs with baby bump.

There wasn’t celebration. No parties. No excitement from the wings. Shame. Shame. Shame on you. Couldn’t shrug it off.

I wish I would have…

waited until I was married.

thought about the consequences for my son.

thought about the consequences for myself.

realized I could have made much better choices in the men I allowed in my life  back then.

And on, and on, and on.

These were the things I used to beat myself up about …. especially when his dad was missing in action and I’d have to come up with some excuse.  I’d be furious inside at his absence and still secretly ashamed, blaming myself for all that his dad wasn’t back then. I “knew” it was “all my fault” that his father wasn’t around to hold his little boy’s hand, to raise him on his shoulders, and for the little boy to look up in admiration to and want to grow up to be just like his daddy.

Shame. Shame. Shame on me became, I’ll show them!

Most single mamas I know try to make up for what their little ones don’t have. We put pressure on ourselves to perform mama and papa roles (and isn’t it hard enough being “just” the mama?).

I was recently out of high school at the time. No child support and not a lot of money coming in from my secretarial job. Even so, I spent too much money ─ money I didn’t have ─ because my son had to have “the best”. Overspending and splurging on activities was my way of overcompensating for what my son didn’t have, his dad.

It’s interesting. God places young, single moms in my life today. I’ve seen this same trait in most of them. Not enough money coming in, but loving their little ones so much that they didn’t want them to do without any more than they already are─the dads they so desperately need.

I wish I would have realized when I was younger that things and activities aren’t the answer to what kids of single moms need most.

Had I known by Bible and known my Jesus then like I do now, I would have flipped to Genesis 16 and 21 and read about Hagar and Ishmael and wept and wept at God’s goodness, love, and mercy extended to us single mamas. He has extra measure of love and mercy stored up for our kids too.

I would have known not to wear shame, because my God sees me. He saw me back then, and He saw every single thing that led up to my single mama-making moment. He wasn’t going to condemn me for my bad decision. He understands. He sees. His desire is always to restore us to Him, to a position of honor and dignity seated at His right hand. He would NEVER desire us mamas (single or otherwise) to sit in a puddle of shame.

Hagar and her son were rejected and set aside, but never by their Heavenly Father!  Just as He sent angels of the LORD to minister to “single” mama Hagar, He has angels overseeing us.

To which of the angels did God ever say,

“Sit at my right hand

until I make your enemies

a footstool for your feet”?

Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?─Hebrews 1:13-14 NIV

When we need a mama moment no matter what season we find ourselves in, I hope we can remember this picture in our head.

Pull up a chair and place your feet on the footstool God has for your mama weary legs. As you do, reflect upon your rightful position as a daughter of the King. You are royal. Your kiddos are too. Call on those ministering angels. Remember, God has them assigned to serve those who inherit salvation. That’s you if you’ve said yes to Jesus.

Not only did God see a wearied and worried “single” mama in Hagar, He saw her son. God will see your son or daughter too. He is the God who sees and hears those He loves. (Genesis 16:13, Genesis 21:17)

And God heard the voice of the lad. Then the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said to her, “What ails you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad and hold him with your hand, for I will make him a great nation.”─Genesis 21:17-18 NKJV

I have no idea what greatness God has in store for your child, but I do know He has great plans for him or her just like God has for my son. We fear and fret, worry and wallow, when what God wants is for our mama hearts to cry out to Him and share what ails us. He doesn’t want us weighed down by shame. His desire is for us to arise. The only way that’s possible is if we release those feelings of shame and doubt.

Perhaps that’s the best gift we can get this Mother’s Day. Let’s give ourselves a mama break. Give your shame over to God and let Him set you (and your children) free to arise into your fullest potential.

One other beautiful closing revelation God reminded me of… He knew our children in our wombs. He knit them together and formed them before we even knew them. To all you single mamas out there: Your child is NOT fatherless. They have the BEST Father in the whole wide world─One who loves unconditionally, without ceasing. How much that would have reassured me had I known that when my son was small. But I know it now and it is the greatest reassurance, that when I don’t know what to do, the One who loves us MOST always does.

Be blessed all you mamas! God loves you!

Be blessed all you mamas! God loves those you deeply love!  

Happy Mother’s Day dear ones!

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Categories // Life, Mama Guilt, Tracy Stella's Perspective Tags // Genesis 16:13, Genesis 21:17-18, Guilt, Hagar, Hebrews 1:13-14, Ishmael, Mama Guilt, Mother's Day, Shame, Single Parent

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