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Archives for November 2017

Difficult People: Turkeys in Disguise

11.28.2017 by Hyacynth Worth //

Hi, friends! I (Jennifer) have the privilege of introducing you to my good friend, Hyacynth Worth. You should know that her heart is precious to me. She blesses me with wisdom and her friendship. If you want to know more about her and her beautiful family, please visit her blog HERE. She is a wealth of relational and parenting wisdom (especially for adoptive families)! I hope you enjoy her thoughts this week.

What do you do when you have a giant turkey in your life?

If it gobbles like a turkey, struts like a turkey, and acts like a turkey—chances are it’s a turkey.

I asked my ten year old son, who hunts turkeys, if that’s true. He looked at me like I was having a moment and said, “Well, yeah. Pretty much, Mom.”

I think we have a tendency to feel this way about our relationships, too; we understand the obvious turkeys in our lives, as they tend to be the birds who cause us to inwardly cringe at their outward displays of foolishness.

Note: if you feel like you need some extra turkey identification work in the area of relationships {not the field}, the book of Proverbs details the actions of the obvious turkeys in our lives. They are the people who don’t know what they don’t know, and you can tell by the way they gobble— errrr—talk and walk in ways of obvious foolishness.

“Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.” Proverbs 12:15 NLT

“The wise don’t make a show of their knowledge, but fools broadcast their foolishness.” Proverbs 12:23

But what about when it doesn’t talk or walk like a turkey because it has all the right words and so many of the right moves of a bird of another feather … and yet we’re still left with the keen sense that what we’re staring at what has got to be a turkey disguised as a well-adjusted bird because dude’s acting like a fool in some specific area or areas of life and doesn’t even seem to know it?

That’s where relationships get even trickier — when we’re trying to love well and interact well with the not-so-easily identifiable turkeys in our lives and wondering why the interactions don’t seem to be going so well.

The turkeys disguised as a well-adjusted bird with all the right moves and all the right words but mismatching lives are the ones who say the right things and seem to have a pretty stately walk, yet act in ways that would point to the contrary. I’ve heard them referred to as biblical fools. Mostly, though, when I think of these kinds of turkeys, I think of the Pharisees with whom Jesus had so many words about their hard hearts.

The Pharisees.

The most learned men of their time with a deep understanding of the scriptures and the most knowledge of God.

Men who opposed the healing of suffering people because no work was to be done on the rest day.

Men ready to cast stones on a woman caught in adultery as though they had no sin of their own.

Men who valued the rules over the restoration of relationships.

Men whose hearts are often a lot like my own.

It’s tempting to look at the pharisees and under our breaths think, “Idiots. Of course, relationship and restoration of relationship is more important than the rules.”

But these men likely knew full well the stories of their ancestors who did things like step out to brace the falling ark of the covenant and then were immediately killed for violating the law of God concerning the transportation of the ark.

These are the men who play by the book because the Book was what they knew.

They didn’t understand the depth of relationship God seeks with us; neither did their previous generations, which is why the nation of Israel needed prophet after prophet to speak God’s truth and then eventually Jesus to come and show them God’s heart.

They are a bunch of turkeys in disguise. And as believers in Jesus, haven’t each of us been, too?

If we’re each committing to honesty, I think we can all say we’ve all been turkeys in disguise.

Have you ever caught yourself reacting to a circumstance in a way that completely confuses you? For me, it’s when I’m counseling one of my kids in a direction of life and then I find myself struggling to take my own advice.

At one point during his ministry Jesus says that we ought to be more aware of the planks in our own eyes than the specks in our brothers’ and sisters’ eyes. In my house, we call this, “you do you.” Meaning, if you see a speck in your brother’s eye, first check your own to make sure you don’t have a huge log blocking your vision.

Why? Because none of us can change another person’s heart through lectures or force or punishment or shaming. Our hearts are truly changed toward God’s heart of love only in response to one thing: unconditional love that’s full of truth and grace.

Jesus remarks that the most important of all the law and commandments is to love:

“One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question: “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”

Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:25-40

That second equally important commandment is often misunderstood, so let’s break it down: we are to love our neighbors as we love our selves — as in we are to love them as an extension of our own bodies.

So … how do we want to be treated when we are (knowingly or unknowingly) stuck strutting around like giant turkeys?

We see it in Jesus’ response to the woman caught in an act of adultery (John 8):

“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”

They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”

It’s as if Jesus is saying, we don’t beat down others, we build them up. We call them to a higher living, a higher purpose, a higher way of living more in harmony with how God created us.

So what do we do with a giant turkey in our life?

We resist the urge to roast them and instead tread with them in equal parts truth and grace, much in the way Jesus shows us time and time again. Let’s pick up with Jesus and the woman the crowd wanted to stone after he boldly welcomes he who was without sin to throw the first one.

“Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

 

Categories // Difficult People, Guest Perspectives, How to Love When It's Hard, Life Tags // Difficult People, God's love, Grace, Greatest Commandment, John 8, Love, Matthew 22:25-40, Proverbs 12:15, Proverbs 12:23, Relationships, truth, Woman caught in adultery

Holiday Help for Taming Turkeys

11.21.2017 by Kim Findlay //

We’re talking turkeys this month at Facets of Faith, and we don’t mean sharing recipes. The holidays are here and we decided to talk about how we interact with those who might get our goat as we gather. Tracy and Jen shared earlier this month. Click on their names to catch up, or sign up to receive our email so you don’t miss a post! Stay tuned next week as we open this space with a special guest. As for me (Kim)? Well, here’s my recipe for taming those turkeys.

She stood in the doorway, drying her hands on the towel. Pressured by the weight of to-do’s, she looked around for her sister. Surely she knew the importance of this meal. Surely her sister knew that she couldn’t do all of the work all on her own?

Her mind checked off the task she just completed as her eyes skimmed the crowd. One down and sixteen to go, she thought wryly. Now where is that sister of hers?

The familiar frustration began to bubble inside. A slight breeze blew in a whiff of the food cooking in the pot. Almost done, she thought. But the places hadn’t been set and there was more food to be made.

Frustration turned to irritation. How could her sister leave her in a lurch like this? Today of all days? She was just as excited to have such special guests at her house; she wanted everything to be perfect.

She caught a glimpse of her sister’s hair. There she was! Ruffled and flustered, she headed over, determined to give her sister a piece of her mind. How dare she . . .

Oh, she was with him. How could her sister just sit there? Entranced. Enthralled. She caught another whiff of the food. Any longer and it’d be ruined.

She stepped closer and cleared her throat. Surely that would signal her need for help. Nothing —not even twitch. She coughed. She might as well be invisible. She was about to say her sister’s name when he looked up at her, their most treasure guest. Didn’t he know what a turkey her sister was being? Didn’t he realize how much help she needed?

Before she knew what was happening her words tumbled out in complaint. “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” (Luke 10:40b)

Special occasions and family dinners bring out the best in us, don’t they? (insert eye roll emoji here) And when the turkey we’re dealing with isn’t the one we’re sticking in the oven, those special times can sometimes turn into emotional war zones. So how do we handle those people who just seem to push our button at just the wrong time?

I love this story of Martha and her sister, Mary. They real. They’re siblings. And they don’t always get along. Martha wants everything perfect while Mary? Well, she must be the extrovert of the two because she’s always found around people.

Seriously though. Isn’t it great that we can look at Scripture and catch a glimpse of . . . ourselves?

Gulp.

I know. Most of us would like to admit we’re Martha and Martha is doing what is right. She’s scurrying about getting the house and food ready for the party. She’s serving and working and going about her business until . . . she can’t find her sister, Mary. Enter the whining. Can you imagine standing before Jesus and saying, “L o r d . . .”. I liken it to the times my kids would call out my name: “M o m . . .” Each letter drawn out for maximum impact.

Is that what Martha sounded like? Exasperated? Frustrated? Weary?

But the truth of the matter is this —she did the right thing. Think about that for a moment: she called out to Jesus. She didn’t turn to her turkey of a sister and begin to chew. No, she turned toward the One whom she believed could help.

“Lord, help.”

She wanted to get the job done, the dinner finished, and people fed so she fixed her eyes on the One who loves her, and who loves her sister.

And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.” Hebrews 12:1b-2a, NLT

We, too, can do that when we’re faced with those challenging people sitting at the table across from us. We can shift our gaze from their turkey-behavior (insert what you’re imagining here), fix our eyes firmly on Jesus, and remember there are days when the turkey is us. We can pray for peace to fill the room, for strength to zip our lips, or a supernatural connection that only Jesus can create.

Every person has a story that has made them to be the person they are today. My mom taught me that, and she’s right. Think of the most challenging person you’ve encountered within the last few days. Now take a moment and call to mind what you know about their story. Is there sorrow? Loss? Brokenness of sorts? Has the pain been healed or the challenges resolved?

Would you be willing to step into their mess? (insert blank stare emoji here)

I know. Maybe not. But what if? What if that’s the very thing God is calling you to do this holiday season? What if that conversation at that particular dinner or brunch or party is where God will shine His light of mercy and grace not only on you, but through you?

Yes, Jesus said that Mary chose the most important thing —Himself. But I think Martha learned that truth, too. People are worth stepping into their mess so we can offer the grace and comfort that Jesus has offered to us. Even with those turkeys that might get our goat now and then.

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4, NLT

How do you deal with the turkeys in your life? Feel free to comment below or jump over to our Facebook page. We’d love to hear from you!

Categories // Difficult People, Kim Findlay's Perspective Tags // Difficult family, Difficult People, Family, Holiday challenges, Thanksgiving

Difficult People: Meet, Pray, Love?

11.14.2017 by Jennifer Howe //

Hi friends, it’s Thanksgiving time! I (Jennifer) love that a day is marked on the American calendar to count good things, but I hope you aren’t grateful just once a year. Among many, I count my trusted friends, Tracy and Kim, as two favorite blessings. This month Tracy shared on the topic of gratitude here, Kim’s up next week, and then we’re introducing our guest, Hyacynth, the fourth week. Peek on Tuesdays to read the latest posts. Better yet—subscribe to receive e-mails, and you won’t miss a thing! You’ll be glad you did.

I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving Day and a heart full of gratitude for the goodness God has provided for you and those close to you. My list of blessings is a mile long when I intentionally look, but sometimes it’s harder than I want to admit to spot some. This month FACETS focuses on what to do when we encounter difficult people in life. A rough time in relationship with someone, glitches and hitches in what ought to be a smooth interaction, and I find my internal peace melting and running away like butter on a big, ol’ pile of mashed potatoes. Do you have a cycle of frustration with someone you want to change? I do. Do difficult people make your blessings list? *Sigh* That can be a tall order, but I want them to!

I write with the clear reminder: if I can’t find the difficult person in my life, it might be me. If everyone else in my life is difficult, I might consider that I’m the common denominator. So I’m sensitive on two levels—I examine my relationships to be the peacemaker in a difficult interaction, and I need to address my broken relational ways with someone to stop being the difficult half of the interaction. (Whoa! Stuff’s gettin’ real right there, isn’t it?)

Relational tension can be rooted in varied “personality wiring.” It’s not always natural for opposites to interact (though, I hear they attract). Consider that, but I’m thinking about something else. I’m concerned about harmful words or actions that bruise and break relationships. Depending on the damage, we may label people in strong terms: source of frustration, annoyance, adversary, or enemy.

So what do we do when we encounter a difficult person—or even more intense versions of “difficult”?

I’ve had trouble of late, so I searched the Scriptures for wisdom on this very thing. The truth is, I found something I definitely should not do and things I absolutely should. I’m thankful the Bible is clear if I look carefully.

What Not to Do…
Why is it God explicitly states the “do nots”? It’s because He cares—about us and the people we interact with. God’s heart reflects love and care. He doesn’t want pain for us, but it’s part of this broken world. If we’re willing to do what He prescribes, we can spare our hearts some hurt, and we can impact others’ lives positively. So what is His wisdom?

Don’t gloat when your enemy falls, and don’t let your heart rejoice when he stumbles, Proverbs 24:17 CSB

It’s tempting to gloat when someone who has caused us pain falls flat, but we are given specific direction. It’s never right to celebrate someone’s downfall, He says. (Think about this in multiple realms: personal, professional, political, etc.)

And then there’s the flip side.

What We Should Do…
The beauty of the Bible is the clarity on some topics. When it comes to relationships, there is wisdom and straightforward direction.

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; Proverbs 25:21

But if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Romans 12:20

The Complete Jewish Bible words it this way: “fiery coals [of shame].” I notice I’m not responsible for shaming, only the loving way needs are met. Does this display of love sit well with you? I’m thankful these words come at Thanksgiving when eating and drinking is so much a part of the day. What if the choice to share food and drink with a genuinely sensitive, loving heart could be a reality? What if forgiveness made that possible this holiday or any day?

Difficult people in life? Jesus makes it clear—

43 “You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5 [emphasis added]

This is what we should do with the difficult people and extremely difficult people. It’s how we respond to little things (the “small change” of relational stress) and the word or action that cut so deep it scarred the heart, mind, and body. In humility, love and pray. Maybe the hardest choices, they are the things that free us from self-made pain prisons (resentment and anger cause self-inflicted pain for the duration). Choose well. Make the next right choice!

I hope we all embrace the truth here. Choosing love and prayer is never wrong, but it can be hard. Like, the excruciating kind of hard!

On top of meeting needs, loving, and praying; may I suggest a perspective shift? Whether the difficult person is standing in front of you or your own brokenness is troublesome, try seeing things this way:

16 From now on, then, we do not know anyone in a purely human way. Even if we have known Christ in a purely human way, yet now we no longer know Him like that. 17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come. 18 Now everything is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed the message of reconciliation to us. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ; certain that God is appealing through us, we plead on Christ’s behalf, “Be reconciled to God.” 21 He made the One who did not know sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. 2 Corinthians 5 CSB

What if our focus were to reconcile relationships (trying our very best!) in hopes of showing one thing. If the love we received from God through Jesus made enough of an impact that we cared to extend it, would people notice? I have a sneakin’ suspicion they might.

Thanks for reading along, friend! If this post is helpful, that’s a “God thing.” Share away if you think others might be blessed. The FACETS would be thankful!

Signature, Jennifer Howe

Categories // Difficult People, Jennifer Howe's Perspective, Life Tags // 2 Corinthians 5:16-21, Difficult People, Facets of Faith, Jennifer J Howe, Love, Matthew 5:43-48, prayer, Proverbs 24:17, Proverbs 25:21, Reconciliation, Relationships, Romans 12:20

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