Jennifer Howe, Author at Facets of Faith

Difficult People: Meet, Pray, Love?

11.14.2017 by Jennifer Howe //

Hi friends, it’s Thanksgiving time! I (Jennifer) love that a day is marked on the American calendar to count good things, but I hope you aren’t grateful just once a year. Among many, I count my trusted friends, Tracy and Kim, as two favorite blessings. This month Tracy shared on the topic of gratitude here, Kim’s up next week, and then we’re introducing our guest, Hyacynth, the fourth week. Peek on Tuesdays to read the latest posts. Better yet—subscribe to receive e-mails, and you won’t miss a thing! You’ll be glad you did.

I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving Day and a heart full of gratitude for the goodness God has provided for you and those close to you. My list of blessings is a mile long when I intentionally look, but sometimes it’s harder than I want to admit to spot some. This month FACETS focuses on what to do when we encounter difficult people in life. A rough time in relationship with someone, glitches and hitches in what ought to be a smooth interaction, and I find my internal peace melting and running away like butter on a big, ol’ pile of mashed potatoes. Do you have a cycle of frustration with someone you want to change? I do. Do difficult people make your blessings list? *Sigh* That can be a tall order, but I want them to!

I write with the clear reminder: if I can’t find the difficult person in my life, it might be me. If everyone else in my life is difficult, I might consider that I’m the common denominator. So I’m sensitive on two levels—I examine my relationships to be the peacemaker in a difficult interaction, and I need to address my broken relational ways with someone to stop being the difficult half of the interaction. (Whoa! Stuff’s gettin’ real right there, isn’t it?)

Relational tension can be rooted in varied “personality wiring.” It’s not always natural for opposites to interact (though, I hear they attract). Consider that, but I’m thinking about something else. I’m concerned about harmful words or actions that bruise and break relationships. Depending on the damage, we may label people in strong terms: source of frustration, annoyance, adversary, or enemy.

So what do we do when we encounter a difficult person—or even more intense versions of “difficult”?

I’ve had trouble of late, so I searched the Scriptures for wisdom on this very thing. The truth is, I found something I definitely should not do and things I absolutely should. I’m thankful the Bible is clear if I look carefully.

What Not to Do…
Why is it God explicitly states the “do nots”? It’s because He cares—about us and the people we interact with. God’s heart reflects love and care. He doesn’t want pain for us, but it’s part of this broken world. If we’re willing to do what He prescribes, we can spare our hearts some hurt, and we can impact others’ lives positively. So what is His wisdom?

Don’t gloat when your enemy falls, and don’t let your heart rejoice when he stumbles, Proverbs 24:17 CSB

It’s tempting to gloat when someone who has caused us pain falls flat, but we are given specific direction. It’s never right to celebrate someone’s downfall, He says. (Think about this in multiple realms: personal, professional, political, etc.)

And then there’s the flip side.

What We Should Do…
The beauty of the Bible is the clarity on some topics. When it comes to relationships, there is wisdom and straightforward direction.

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; Proverbs 25:21

But if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Romans 12:20

The Complete Jewish Bible words it this way: “fiery coals [of shame].” I notice I’m not responsible for shaming, only the loving way needs are met. Does this display of love sit well with you? I’m thankful these words come at Thanksgiving when eating and drinking is so much a part of the day. What if the choice to share food and drink with a genuinely sensitive, loving heart could be a reality? What if forgiveness made that possible this holiday or any day?

Difficult people in life? Jesus makes it clear—

43 “You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5 [emphasis added]

This is what we should do with the difficult people and extremely difficult people. It’s how we respond to little things (the “small change” of relational stress) and the word or action that cut so deep it scarred the heart, mind, and body. In humility, love and pray. Maybe the hardest choices, they are the things that free us from self-made pain prisons (resentment and anger cause self-inflicted pain for the duration). Choose well. Make the next right choice!

I hope we all embrace the truth here. Choosing love and prayer is never wrong, but it can be hard. Like, the excruciating kind of hard!

On top of meeting needs, loving, and praying; may I suggest a perspective shift? Whether the difficult person is standing in front of you or your own brokenness is troublesome, try seeing things this way:

16 From now on, then, we do not know anyone in a purely human way. Even if we have known Christ in a purely human way, yet now we no longer know Him like that. 17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come. 18 Now everything is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed the message of reconciliation to us. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ; certain that God is appealing through us, we plead on Christ’s behalf, “Be reconciled to God.” 21 He made the One who did not know sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. 2 Corinthians 5 CSB

What if our focus were to reconcile relationships (trying our very best!) in hopes of showing one thing. If the love we received from God through Jesus made enough of an impact that we cared to extend it, would people notice? I have a sneakin’ suspicion they might.

Thanks for reading along, friend! If this post is helpful, that’s a “God thing.” Share away if you think others might be blessed. The FACETS would be thankful!

When I’m Afraid: 3 Steps to Beating Fear in Relationships

10.10.2017 by Jennifer Howe //

Thanks for visiting, friend. This month’s topic has been a wonderful introspective opportunity. Tracy shared her thoughts last week HERE, Kim is up next week, and our guest, Megan, will wrap up the following week. We’ve been thinking about trusting God with our fears, and we’re pretty sure this topic relates.

Can I really trust God? On days that go smooth-as-silk, it can be easy—or I may not even ask that question at all. When my heart and mind are weakened by fear; admittedly, it’s tough.

People, personal space, and sharing my fragile self with others—it looks like very mild social anxiety, I suppose. The truth is, entering into relationships can be hard. If I’m honest, I admit to having a smidge of fear when people are different than me. Initially it was noticeable with men: they tend to be bigger, broader, imposing. I’ve suffered intense pain at the hands of a few men. That’s one reason I’m thankful for the gentler man God has given me.

“One bad apple spoils the whole bushel.”

What’s true in the fruit bowl doesn’t translate to relationships. Sometimes it’s hard to separate moments in time, the people involved, and the things that happened. I know I’ve gotten confused and lumped some people, places, and things together unconsciously.

A little knowledge is dangerous, and I’ve studied the human mind a little bit—enough to know that how we experience an event in time (especially with others) matters. When emotion floods a moment, it’s not uncommon for the mind to trap details in a way that changes future responses to similar events or people who appear similar. We can, consciously or unconsciously, generalize unkindness from a single person to a larger group: all men (or women) pay for the actions of one. Worse, all people whose skin looks a certain way or who align with a certain broadly-painted worldview face the phantoms of the past, stereotypes, or cultural caricatures portrayed in a hundred media outlets.

So, what do we do? Ultimately, we need to forget the stereotypes and caricatures, and put away the phantoms. But maybe we begin with baby steps.

I wondered what would happen if I tried to—

See, I mean really see, the person in front of me. Is this person the original source of my hurt? If not, I plan to let each individual stand or fall by his or her own choices and real actions. I don’t want others to pay for the actions of phantoms or the possible actions of cultural caricatures and old stereotypes I picked up in another time and place. I’ve been asking God to give me the insight to see which of the three views I’m holding in the moment. This is one area I’ve worked hard! I’m a work in progress, and it’s never easy, but I’ve begun to catch when generalization or transference is in play.

Be in the moment. I find it helpful to look around and ask Where am I right now? Who am I with? If this is a safe place with safe people, I want to embrace that and let down the guard and attitude I’ve maintained for too long. I can choose to be open, honest, receptive, even teachable in the moment. This step has grown in tandem with seeing, I think. When I consciously choose to see, it’s easier to be. The conversation and actions in the moment can be so important to the relationship. I’ll choose selfless authenticity in safety. The person in front of me might just do the same. Win-win!

Love. I’ll ask How can I love this person best in this moment? Loving those who are easy to love is low-hanging fruit in relationships. My challenge is stepping up to love the ones who are hard (and hard can look 100 different ways!). (Is that a challenge for you?) This is the uphill battle for me. The softer side of relationship (love) doesn’t come as naturally to me. Love is open and selfless and vulnerable a lot of the time. It’s not always received or returned. It’s not about return on investment. And love isn’t about all about me—or it’s not authentic love to begin with.

25 Just then an expert in the law stood up to test Him [Jesus], saying, “Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” 26 “What is written in the law?” He asked him. “How do you read it?” 27 He answered: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself. 28 “You’ve answered correctly,” He told him. “Do this and you will live.” 29 But wanting to justify himself, he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” Luke 10 CSB

When we look at God’s love given to us, it’s wholly different than the way we like others or offer kindness hoping to get something out of it. Jesus’ love was an all-in, holding-nothing-back kind of love!

19 We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Do the right thing! This is where faith has legs. I ask What’s the next right thing? But better yet—will I decide to lean in rather than out, listening attentively to the person I see and to the Spirit? Rather than fill the void with my own internal or external voice, will I wait for words and be still? If I don’t get to speak, will I choose that kind of stillness? Will I invest my time, energy, or resources in the way He leads? Even if it’s costly to me? Painfully so?

There is a right kind of fear…

11 Come, children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Psalm 34:11

Catch that! Fear of the Lord, friend, is what we are hoping for—not fear of anyone or anything else. I want that to be real in my life, don’t you? Being quiet and listening is the start of that beautiful life trait. Listening isn’t related to a person’s looks or worldview. It’s a choice we make because someone is human and made in the image of God.

If you’ve hung in here, thanks for walking this slice of thought life with me. I wish I could hear the thoughts whirring in your mind right now! Do you struggle with this process in a “similar but different” way? I think we all do.

While I want to be fearless, I know parts of my character are being refined every day. This is just one area of my heart I desperately want to see grow and change into beautiful, peaceful strength. I’ve learned to lean into moments of mild awkwardness and discomfort with people different than me, and with practice, I’ve seen a lot of success. I respect some of the emotional boundaries (for now), giving myself grace for each day that reveals fear or crude relational skills. I understand I got to this place by experiences with people, and I know my Jesus loves all people and has a mind to help me love like He does. I won’t settle for where I am now. (What would happen if none of us settled?)

Think about this—Who are you afraid of? Where does the fear come from? If you didn’t settle, what would you do about it?

I hope you know how much the Facets team appreciate each of you. We hope you’ll bring your thoughts and ideas into the mix each week—that’s when the conversation gets rolling.

5 Questions to Ask About Life’s Hard Places

09.12.2017 by Jennifer Howe //

Hello, friend! Thanks for visiting Facets of Faith. It’s always a pleasure to meet you here. This month’s topic is infused with the “back to school” mindset, but with a twist. Tracy shared her thoughts on “What are you going back to?” here, and Kim will share next week. I’m really excited that Tracy’s hubby, Sam, will be our guest the fourth week! (You read that right. A different voice and perspective will be shared, and we’re really excited he responded to our ask!) Be sure to visit Facets each Tuesday for new posts.

What am I (Jennifer) going back to?

For you to understand what I’m going back to, you’d need to know how I spent my last weekend. I had the privilege of attending training focused on becoming a competent caregiver for children who have come from hard places. While we’ve all had experience with hard things in life, not all of us know the difficulty of intense trauma. I want to be better equipped to do slices of life with those who know what “hard place” really means. That could be a few minutes, weeks, months, or years.

What I’m going back to is some of the hard places in my own life. Admittedly, some of the events written into my story are blips on the radar, some are stones I’ve taken out of my load and left at the side of the road, a very few are landmines I need to be confident are defused. The trauma training encouraged me to go back and take a second look a few events, and I’m sure it’s related to deeper healing, more confidence in my story, and understanding how it can be powerful in the lives of others. (Have you ever considered that your personal story has power to help others overcome some of the challenges in their own?)

But why go back?

…the proverbs are true: “A dog returns to its vomit,” and, “A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.” 2 Peter 2:22

Is returning to the past like parking in front of a train wreck and gaping at the damage? I suppose it could be—but if we did it with a healthier process and purpose—then no, it’s returning to those hard places to gain perspective and loosen the grip the event may have on our heart, mind, and behavior. Peter isn’t referring to a healthy look at our past here. He’s adamant about not returning to our hurtful behaviors over and over. To some extent the behavior comes out of our hard places, so returning to those hard places with a healthy mindset and healing in mind is really important. That’s the goal we should have in mind.

When I go back to the events of the past, I sit with little vignettes, try to capture them, and the purpose emerges from the shadows. When I sift through details, I take extra time to find three things:

the power in the memory (What control does this memory have?)
the plans of the Enemy (How does this memory serve the enemy of my soul and wreck me?)
and the presence of Jesus. (Can I see Jesus in this memory?)

These three pieces are important to the transformation that follows. They are also common elements in every story. Mine. Yours. Everyone’s. If we examine these three things, I think we defuse that landmine. I encourage you to try answering these three questions in any of your “hard place” memories.

My next step is to think about two questions that have the ability to shift perspective on nearly any life story.

What do I believe about God based on what has happened to me?
What is true about God based on what is written in Scripture?

Something settles in my soul in those two questions. I almost felt and heard “Kachunk!” in my spirit when I was introduced to them. These questions begged to be answered, and I understood why. My perspective about God is crucial. It’s only in relationship to Him that I can understand some of the story details, events, and characters. I may never understand the hows and whys in my story in this life, but I have no hope of a healthy viewpoint or healing without God.

Some of you know I’ve been working on writing my story, White Wave Crashing. When my eyes took in the scenes of my life at a glance, I overlooked the presence of Jesus. I was angry that he overlooked the indelible ink falling to the pages of my life. Was he invisible? Unconcerned? (The answer is, “No!” but it took time to discover that.) I hope you find that to be true, too. He loves us. Deeply. And he wants to sit with us in the exuberant joy, the deep sorrow, and the painful grief.

Now at some point, you might join me in going back to your own “hard places,” and when you do, I hope you’ve got something you can use along the way. When you begin to remember, I hope you’ll find healing for your soul, too. Try some introspective work with the questions above. Invite Holy Spirit to do the work with you. There is victory over the enemy of our souls when we step forward, meet the challenges in our stories, and tell of the things God has done.

Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. Psalm 66:16

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17

Thanks for reading along! You have no idea how exciting it is to walk the road with friends who drop in and share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences on the monthly topic. Will you share yours?

Add a comment below or visit us at our Facebook Page. Please share us with friends you think would be encouraged by Facets of Faith, too. We’d love that. Subscribe to our feed in the sidebar so you’ll never miss a post.

It’s so nice to know you, friend!

**If you’re interested in orphan care or curious about the training I did this weekend, connect to http://back2back.org/ or https://cafo.org/summit/intensives/trauma/. The CAFO material was presented by a speaker in a smaller, home environment, and it was wonderful!
(Shameless plug for this amazing ministry…)