Jennifer Howe, Author at Facets of Faith

Saying No: a closer look at how and when we say, “No.”

11.08.2016 by Jennifer Howe //

We wrote about saying yes last month. This month we’re taking a look at when to say no. Take a look at Tracy’s post from last week here.

I (Jennifer) received a precious tutorial from a friend, and I’ll pass it on to you:

Place the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth just behind your teeth. Take a deep breath and begin to “hum” the N consonant sound. Follow that with a sustained “long O” sound. Practice the lip shape in the transition from one letter to the other: relaxed and half open to a near-puckered kiss. Try it: “N-n-n-no!”

That’s my public service tutorial for the week. I hope it’s helpful. When my beautiful friend shared this with me, I laughed. The lesson was precious, and I review it often.

What’s the point of beginning with the speech therapy part of the “No” process? If you’re like me, you might forget the word is even an option. Those who love to make others happy may forget. Those seeking to discover who they are and where their specific talents, abilities, and giftedness lie can forget. And sometimes the significance of the ask can cause us to take leave of our senses long enough that Yes completely obscures No. Have you been there?

We know how to say no, but do we know when to say it?

Competing event invitations, multiple employment opportunities (or even just one), and other commitments require a response. An unfamiliar person in the crowd obviously needs encouragement. A desperate person in financial crisis begs for help. When do we say no? I’m not sure there’s a single, easy answer.

I know I’m tempted to give a quick no when three things come into play: my comfort, my courage, or my ego-centric leanings. You, too?

The reality is my comfort zone “footprint” can be a bit small. I’m rarely the early adopter of new ideas, places, or processes. (I’ve lagged in nearly everything from social media to Thai food.) If it’s not broken, I don’t feel the need to fix it, either. My courage quotient rarely lands in the “boldly go where no man has gone before” quadrant (StarTrek, 1966).

Simply put, my reasons for offering a quick no may be knee-jerk and ego-centric in nature. I notice one thing about all of the above—it’s all about me—and I’m not proud of that. It’s easy to refuse any ask (from my Father God or a friend) when I’m all wrapped up in me, my skill set, or my comfort. It might be a confidence-competency-fear thing for some of us, and it can be for me. That’s not new. The Bible highlights the hesitations some of God’s key men and women had when He made big asks.

But Moses replied to the Lord, “Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent—either in the past or recently or since You have been speaking to Your servant—because I am slow and hesitant in speech.” Exodus 4:10 CSB

Moses presented his case for dismissal from the God-given assignment to return to Egypt and lead the nation of Israel out of slavery into their own land. I think he believed he had good reason to be replaced. But God…

The Lord said to him, “Who made the human mouth? Who makes him mute or deaf, seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will help you speak and I will teach you what to say.” Exodus 4:11-12

The Lord reminded Moses who he was and whose he was. When Moses nearly balked, He provided a companion for him: his Levite brother, Aaron, who had lived in Egyptian captivity for his whole life (vv. 14, 15). Moses accepted the assignment, but tentatively. God had a unique purpose set aside just for him.

In light of Moses’ story, I want to set new goals. I’d like to listen to requests more carefully first. An ask might come in the form of a beautiful invitation, employment opportunity, casual text, desperate cry, or a gentle nudge in my spirit. My schedule may be jam-packed or held open for any number of reasons. Still, the request deserves consideration, and I don’t want a knee-jerk no to be offered because I’m uncomfortable or afraid.

So, when can or should we say no? It seems like we should never refuse God, and then we have no idea when to say no. After all, He could want to use us in any scenario with anyone, right? Here are some thoughts as I’ve prayed about the “good no” response.

Could there be a lesson in listening? What if the leading in decisions should come from cultivated relationship? What if a bit of humility paired with lordship could infuse a no response with peace, trust, and courage?

Whatever my response, if I pause to listen, I’m making a conscious decision to hear what God has to say. Listening might look like stopping to pray, checking the boundaries expressed in Scripture, or asking a wise, trusted friend to speak into the decision. Do you know what happens when I want to know what the Lord has to say? He answers!

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5

God loves to reveal Himself and tell us what He’s got in mind. We can rest in the truth of that. He will sort out His perfectly tailored asks from the ones that don’t fall in line with His good plans. That means listening often yields the right leading. Direction comes from pausing to listen, and intimate relationship is forged in that!

The third thing, humble response to His lordship, is powerful. When we are willing to follow through with the God-directed, “good no” we need to give, it’s infused with peace, trust, and courage. Over time, with practice in hearing and responding, we learn to trust the voice of God and become more confident in knowing His will. Sure, times of silence may still happen. Sometimes we may be given our own freedom to choose. But if we have taken time to listen and check for a leading, we’ve taken two great steps toward His guidance in any situation.

While there’s no guarantee we’ll never regret saying no, this process holds a lot of promise for the best chance to say no with peace. Then we learn to say no firmly in a loving tone. For me, that takes practice and a little finesse.

Thanks for reading along. I’d love to read your thoughts in the Comments below or at the Facebook page! Feel free to share your thoughts on your own blog, too, and let us know you’ve joined and continued the conversation.

Yes? No? Maybe so…

10.11.2016 by Jennifer Howe //

I (Jennifer) will let you in on a little secret. I’m afraid of commitment. Okay, I said it. It’s all out in the open now. Does that change our relationship? Maybe, but let me explain—

This month we’re talking about the “Y-word,” and that means commitment. If I say yes, I’m completely committed; I rarely back out. I take each one seriously, so I’m slow to respond to invitations, meetings, even coffee dates. I’m not talking about the calendar I haven’t memorized and my fear of over-booking like an airline. That happens. I’m talking about managing the number of yeses I offer. While I like to think I’m not the fool who rushes in, the truth is, my yes is so important to me, I reserve it (sometimes for too long).

When I think about saying yes to anything in my schedule, I’m reminded of the wisdom of James—

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” James 4:13-15 CSB

Then there’s the wisdom of Jesus—

Just let your ‘Yes’ be a simple ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No’ a simple ‘No’; anything more than this has its origin in evil. Matthew 5:37 CJB

With those two things in mind, how can I give my best, solid yes to the next invitation that pops up? Am I arrogant in planning to go somewhere, see someone, or take on a project? If I say yes, what happens if something changes? (Have you heard of analysis paralysis?) I might get stuck in the “what ifs” surrounding commitment. I might be tempted to think any yes is prideful or chiseled in stone. I wonder if, under the right conditions, it’s none of those things.

I want my yes to be thoughtful and purposeful. When I consider “the Lord’s will,” I have a wonderful opportunity to think, pray, and respond. That’s really the process for me, on a good day.

When I’m asked to serve in some way (at someone’s request or God’s), it can be emotional. I love to be helpful and feel part of something larger than myself, which is a good thing. But I need to be wary of feeling puffed up if I contribute to any project or cause. That prideful attitude is not a good thing. So I try to examine my motives and personal agenda, if there is one. Whatever I do, I want to do with a clean hands and an honest heart.

I also have limited time, strength, and resources, if I’m honest. It makes sense to look at responsibilities and necessary boundaries before agreeing to anything. I might be tempted to give a quick yes with the best intensions, but the truth may be that I’m stretched too thin. When someone asks me to serve, I want my first thought to be Is this for me? Let me explain.

For we are His creation—created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time so that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 CSB

Opportunities will always present themselves. From coffee dates to “big deal” decisions, I think the best, solid yes comes from knowing the request is, first, in keeping with God’s heart, plan, and his incredible hardwiring in us. My beautiful friend leaned into learning an instrument in a short time for a recording. I am not instrumentally-inclined, so I’m pretty sure that’s “not for me.” That doesn’t mean there won’t be asks that we know are specifically entrusted to us that are a stretch (God supernaturally fills canyon-wide gaps all the time). What’s most important in each yes we consider is if this ask or task is set aside for us for right now.

I ask myself, Is this something I am to walk in by the power of God? Is He working in this moment and inviting me to join Him? That’s what I want to know!

When others know our talents and giftedness, a good number of asks might be made, even frequently. If our God-given inclination is to lead, help, empower others, or show mercy, the requests may seem endless. That’s when we need to pause before responding. When we ask God what he has for us in the day, we will have the wisdom to know which yeses are ours.

Now, if I’m very transparent, just a drop of pride in the mix generates a longer list of opportunities to say yes. That’s where I come full-circle in this post. My fear of offering a yes is half-rooted in the fact that I know my pride might lead me to say yes too quickly or too often. The other half is rooted in the genuine, joyful follow-through on a commitment. Time, energy, resources, and failure swirl around all of that. I end up asking What if this is too much? What if I was never intended to join in this moment? Will I miss something else because of this yes?

There’s the tension in the yes for me. That’s why I want to pause, pray, and then jump in when I’ve got the go-ahead. Is this something you wrestle with, too?

Now you know the thoughts in my head that I hope keep me from going willy-nilly with the yeses in life. I haven’t been asked to fill a big role in full-time ministry in this season. I’m being asked to be present and look for the little yes (with bigger impact than I’ll probably know) in everyday life.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on saying yes this week. Have you found a good way to identify the things “prepared in advance” for you? How has God shown you your beautiful asks and tasks that lay in front of you each day? Have you thought about it? If not, what will you do next?

Thanks for reading! Join the conversation this week and share your thoughts on how you come to your best, solid yes to God and others. I’d love to read what you have to say.

Freedom: What I Wouldn’t Give…

09.13.2016 by Jennifer Howe //

Freedom. Is it a heavy chain around my (Jennifer’s) wrists loosening and falling away? Maybe it’s the prison door rattling just before it swings wide and I step out with a sigh of relief. Or, in my mind’s eye, I see a fiery autumn scene, the ground blanketed in red-gold—a dark-haired girl twirls and leaps in smooth rhythm near a shimmering stream, captivated by the joy in her reflection.

In real life, it may look completely different. Freedom can be moving through my daily relational obstacle course differently. A stressful time or sensitive trigger is changed. I experience the hard moment, but peacefully and infused with a breath of fresh air. One thing I know—when I feel free, there is often an internal joy, lightness, and peace, or sometimes a thrill. That internal freedom becomes transparent if I feel safe to be authentically me. You probably know the feeling. I’m sure I’m not unique.

The precious experience of freedom can only mean one thing: there are times when I’m not free. I’m held captive by a painful wound, a habit of thought or behavior, or some past experience. These things come from what I or others have chosen. Some are in the moment. Others seem frozen in time.

I want freedom!

What I wouldn’t give for freedom!

The question is—what will I have to give? My bull-in-a-China-shop way of life. There is a cost to remain free. I’ll have to place my heart’s desires, busy mind, and strong will in God’s hands. The One who created me and loved me to the point of giving everything for me, including his life, deserves nothing less than a humble, grateful response.

So, if I’m willing to surrender the old way of life, what would my new lifestyle look like?

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. Galatians 5:13 CSB

Authentic freedom comes from God. In our culture, there’s license to do whatever we want, and then there’s genuine liberty. What really counts is freedom from the things that separate us from our Father God eternally.

The struggle to be free will be unique to each of us. I battle my pride. Sometimes I don’t embrace the heart, mind, or ways of God. I mistakenly believe I know better or I’ve got things under control. (You, too?) I have to make the hard choices every day. Some days I don’t make the right ones. But, I want to be free.

King David wrote in Psalm 119

How I long for your precepts! In your righteousness preserve my life. May your unfailing love come to me, LORD, your salvation, according to your promise; then I can answer anyone who taunts me, for I trust in your word. Never take your word of truth from my mouth, for I have put my hope in your laws. I will always obey your law, for ever and ever. I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts. I will speak of your statutes before kings and will not be put to shame, for I delight in your commands because I love them. I reach out for your commands, which I love, that I may meditate on your decrees. Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. vv.40-50

David was wise. He knew his life was only preserved by wholeheartedly embracing the ways of God in response to the heart of God. The way we should live is clearly expressed in Scripture (laws, precepts, commands, and promises that flow from a heart of love). If I take the time to read, I know the heart and mind of God in a beautiful, consistent Old and New Testament blend. I have the law and prophecy, and the fulfillment of both in the birth, life, and death of Jesus.

God loved us through the gift of Jesus and the covenant made at Calvary.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1

The sacrifice at the cross was our purchase price. Jesus set us free by addressing the entire list of offenses against Holy God, and how should we respond (Colossians 2:14)? Should we choose a haphazard, self-consumed lifestyle?

We have to take a gut-level honest look at ourselves: thoughts, words, and actions. Thoughts are private. Words and actions will tell on us. If we are willing to take a close look, we might be surprised at the inconsistencies. Our words and actions show what we really believe or embrace. This sort of self-examination reveals the real condition of our heart and the evidence of genuine transformation.

When it comes to life transformation, we’re not left to our own devices (often, the root of pride). For each one of us, the relationship to God is sealed through the gift of the Holy Spirit. In this world we wait for our Father’s promises to be fulfilled. We will be made perfect one day, and temptation will be completely removed—but not in this life. Some righteousness will be evident this side of eternity in our victories, but we’re only perfected at the face-to-face meeting yet to come.

Right now, I count on the goodness of God, “by grace through faith in Jesus,” for the good choices I can make that will keep me free. When I remember Jesus’ love for me—and because the Holy Spirit has given me the strength to do it—I consciously choose to love God and people by embracing and acting according the ways of God. I know I won’t get it all right all the time (friends and family would agree). And I know this:

the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17

The amazing God of the universe, my Daddy-God, has lavished love on me (and all of us!). My freedom was bought and paid for on a hill outside Jerusalem. On the daily journey toward eternity, my freedom is guarded by the presence of God in me. I’m thankful, so I want to make choices that honor the sacrifice at the cross and keep me from getting all bound up in chains again.

What do you think about that? Have you experienced a measure of freedom? Did it come with a cost?

Thanks for reading along. Share your thoughts on freedom in the comments below or on our Facebook page. Let’s get a conversation started!