Welcome to Facets, friend. This month we’re thinking about intimacy in marriage, but I think we’ve discovered truths that apply to a variety of relationships. If you’re single or single again, please don’t run away quick. Find the nuggets from the posts that work in life and apply them. Better yet, think about kicking ideas around with us in the comments. We’d all love to hear your thoughts!
Can I be honest? The topic of intimacy has appeared more than once at Facets, and I (Jennifer) practically break out in a cold sweat every time I know we’re leaning into it. Tracy and Kim gently and joyfully support me as I tip-toe into the water. I’ve shared with my closest friends why I want to balk, just not publicly because I usually feel shame. It’s time to be appropriately vulnerable. I guard the sensitive details of my story, and I keep my “dirty laundry” where it belongs. I endured several forms of relational abuse long before I met my husband, and as much as I’d love to say it’s all in the past, painful things can echo into the present. I’m some distance from writing on “love-is-a-three-letter-word” or relational vulnerability with any strength.
Can I also be candid? We need an inner circle of friends to be gut-level honest with. When inner voices try to convince us the past is a living, fire-breathing dragon overwhelming the present and future, we need strong women to speak truth: the God of the universe is the God who was, is, and is to come—the One who knows our past, present, and future. Only He can heal our heart, mind, body, and soul. He deals with the root emotions that interfere in relationships. My root emotion is often fear. By God’s grace, I’m growing in vulnerability with my inner circle.
Friend, if you struggle with a healthy view of the topic of relational intimacy at any level, know this—I see you, and now you see me. I’d do coffee with you if I could.
Now, on to a fuller definition of intimacy…
It’s vulnerable to be intimate in every context of relationship. I’m not focusing on the physical here (which I feel is the most vulnerable). Revealing my true self to another allows someone to see into the deeper parts reserved for safe people. There’s the crux of it: opening up to safe people. Not everyone proves to be safe. A choice looms—will I do life alone or in relationship? I might prefer to take on the world alone, but that’s not in relationship. Keeping the independent, survivor-thriver mindset in the space where intimacy should be kills anything that might live there. (I’ve had experience with that.)
Relationship: it takes two.
Synergy. That’s what happens when two people come together, share a common goal, and do more together than they could alone. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. That can happen in healthy relationships. A romantic path often starts at friendship and winds through dating to unity in marriage, but every healthy relationship can be synergistic.
The best parts of an intimate relationship’s early days might be like mine with Tony: long, late-night talks at Denny’s, falling asleep during phone conversations before bed, and “date nights” over dinner at home. At the friendship level frequent, long coffee conversations can be a springboard to deeper connection. It’s all about regular, appropriately vulnerable communication in relationship. Some believe the early connection “magic” is brief, and that makes sense. It’s all new and fun, and difficult conversations haven’t hit the radar. Yet.
Common threads.
The strongest threads in a relationship are the common ones. My husband and I shared many things in the beginning: life at church, forty or so junior high students in youth group, and singing on a team together. When we no longer spent time with the students, and when we no long sang together, what was left? Church life and home life. One of the most meaningful friendships in my life began with writing, parenting, and a 3-day training, but it eventually encompassed much more. All that’s necessary for a relationship to go deeper is regular, safe communication. I learned it didn’t require large chunks of time, just intentionality.
Close relationships begin over common threads, but one thing stands out to me: connections that focus on an activity may come and go; those that focus on the person and regular, safe connection flex with age, stage of life, and skill set.
Responsibility is shared.
“Sin-ergy” is my made-up word. I used to say wicked-quick and matter-of-factly, “Marriage is double the sin in half the space.” In the worst moments, I’d tag with, “Quit sinning in my space.” (Not proud of that.) The reality is, two people in relationship likely make mistakes or act in ways contrary to God’s design (sin), and it may or may not be intentional. Challenges are givens.
When things go sideways in relationship, responsibility to repair is shared. Truthfully, when I feel like the problem isn’t my fault, I can find it easier to consider chess moves and word weapons, stew over the situation, or walk away and wait for someone to say something. That’s shirking my part, and I want to fight the urge to be self-centered in those ways.
Friend, if we are reconciled to God through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, let’s bring God’s reconciliation into every human relationship. (See 2 Corinthians 5.) Be reconciled to God, your spouse, and others.
Fight for—not with.
The best wisdom I’ve heard sort of culminates in those four words. When drift happens, and it will, there’s a response. It’s not uncommon for big emotions to take center stage.
“I didn’t get married for this.”
“The busyness is killing me. Do you know how lonely I am?”
“The children…”
“I never see you anymore.”
When big emotions gain momentum in my life, there’s a word that pops up: I. When I choose to fight for me, that’s not intimacy. It’s divisive and polarizing; I’m fighting with another. When I choose to come alongside and engage for the relationship and the other person, that’s connecting and fighting for another.
‘For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.’ Deuteronomy 20:4
God does that for us, and we should do it for the people in our lives. Go with. Fight for. Defeat enemies together. Share the victory.
You & me and God makes three.
I can’t “fake it till I make it” in relationship. (I’ve tried.) An appropriately vulnerable, intimate relationship between two flawed people has challenges. I’m certain God’s beautiful design for vulnerability and intimacy in relationship requires His presence. The Designer offers a blueprint to relationship which we can follow by reading what the Bible has to say about relationship to Him and the people in our lives. Every relationship can be a cord of three, in my mind.
We might think about these things as we hope to grow in relational intimacy:
Come out of hiding to connect authentically with another.
Find an inner circle to be gut-level honest with.
Leverage common threads, but focus on the other person beyond any activities.
Fight for one another through healthy connection and reconciliation.
Remember God’s design can guide and heal every relationship (especially spousal).
Thanks for reading. I just want you to know how precious it is to reach you through Facets. It’s an honor to share! Will you share your heart with us? Pop a comment below or at our Facebook Page. Know someone who would love to read Facets? Share away!
