Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Surrender?

by //

Welcome to Facets of Faith, a space where three friends share their perspectives on a topic each month. For July, we’re chatting about surrendering our lives to the One who loves us. Be sure to check out what Tracy and Jen had to say by clicking on their names. Kim continues the conversation this week.

This isn’t the life I chose.

I remember walking through downtown London, having just turned 40 while on a trip to visit my oldest daughter on her semester abroad. Meandering my way from Notting Hill toward Big Ben, my thoughts ran faster than my feet would move.

This isn’t the life I wanted.

Every failure seemed to scream for attention. Every failure and poor choice stood glaringly in my way. Ever since my youngest daughter died in a fire that destroyed our home, I feared becoming a statistic, and there were many.

I was a second wife – second marriages fail.

I lost a child – marriages fail after a child dies.

I had just turned 40, lost over 90 pounds, and my marriage was falling apart.

There I was, on a mini-pilgrimage through England, not only a statistic, but a cliche`. I wasn’t sure which was worse. Disappointment clawed at every good memory until all I could see where shredded remnants of a life I thought would last.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11, NLT

How did I get here?

I didn’t read the Bible a lot as a kid. I knew a lot of the typical stories from Sunday School along with a few key verses I memorized, truths whose roots wrapped around my heart. The first was written in my childhood bible, given to me shortly after my family moved from Connecticut to Illinois. I remember feeling alone and anxious, wondering if I’d make friends, worried we’d move again and my life would be filled with more good-byes.

She is clothed in strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come.” Proverbs 31:25, NIV

I didn’t know about the Proverbs 31 woman then, I didn’t understand the lofty expectation this passage often set in women’s hearts. What I did know from the age of 8 was that a woman could be strong and not be afraid of the future. My expectation of life included strength.

A few years later, when I graduated from my children’s bible to a teen version, my mom set another verse in front of me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV

Freedom shouted from these verses directly to my soul. I could walk in freedom knowing that God guided my steps. I could walk in freedom as I trusted His plan for my life. I could walk in freedom and surrender my expectations and understanding of how life was supposed to be.

Walking in strength with dignity, having no fear of of the future, trusting God and not my own ways, surrendering to His ways in order to gain direction.

Life. Liberty. And the pursuit of surrender.

Knowing these verses was one thing, living them out . . . quite another.

As I grew, my American experience intertwined with my faith. Instead of the pursuit of surrender, I believed that a life following God meant a life filled with good things. With ease. With happiness. With more sunflowers than rain.

For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9, NLT

When the storm of death crashed into my home, when the heart of my youngest daughter ceased beating, when breath was snatched from my lungs in grief, all that I knew needed to be redefined. All that I expected needed reworking. All that I understood needed a shift in perspective.

I returned to Scripture and dove in, head first. I sucked up its truth as it filled the crevices sorrow had carved. I returned to those verses of my youth and sat with them until they made more sense, until God revealed more of Himself, more of His heart and character. I realized I had to believe all of Scripture or none at all. I either had to believe God or determine He lied. I had to trust that Jesus did love me, or it was all just a childhood song.

I needed to surrender the life I wanted for the one that I lived, even though it included more heartache I ever thought possible to endure.

I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” John 10:10

It’s been six years since I walked the streets of London. Six years filled with a lot of wrestling and questioning, a lot of doubt and fear. Six years filled with hope and healing, with grace and mercy, with redemption and restoration. Six years of learning to shift my eyes to Jesus, the One who does love me, who is the Author and Perfector of my life.

And while there isn’t a grand “happily ever after”, there is a lot of goodness, a life filled with love. The more I surrender to God’s plan for my life, the more I embrace this life I didn’t want, the more I taste His goodness and experience His grace.

No, this still isn’t the life I chose, but I’m learning to walk in strength and dignity, to trust God to lead my steps, and to giggle along the way.

How are you learning to surrender? Share below or head over to our Facebook page. Either way, come join the conversation!

An Interview on Marriage

by //

It’s guest week here at Facets of Faith and I’m (Kim) excited to share with you two of my dear friends, Cathy and Kevin Woodside. I’ve known Cathy for several years now and when the topic of how God helps us bloom through our marriages, I knew you needed to hear their story. My husband and I recently had dinner with them so we could learn more and share it with you. And if you missed our previous stories, check out Tracy‘s, Jen’s, and my posts by clicking on our names. Enjoy!

I sat across from the couple eager for their story. There was an air about them, a comfortableness and camaraderie that could only be birthed through adversity and rooted in hope.

Married for almost 22 years, I knew Cathy and Kevin Woodside had a story to share, I just didn’t know all the details. Listening to them settle in, it’d be easy to assume their lives have always been this way: encouraging, uplifting, respectful, and just downright fun.

But apparently what I saw as my husband and I enjoyed dinner with them recently wasn’t always descriptive of their marriage. In fact, when they first met Cathy was already married and Kevin was a self-described punk.

“I couldn’t stand him,” Cathy laughed, now clearly adoring her husband. Kevin and her first husband met on the job and became fast friends. Years passed, Kevin married, and it wasn’t unusual for the two couples to hang out and socialize.

But over time, each marriage ended though their friendship continued. The need for playdates kept them in touch. Eventually, they started dating.

Cathy set the stage for that season of their relationship. “I wanted to be rescued. I was tired of taking care of problems. I looked at Kevin, not fully sure of how I felt about him. But I knew he was strong and could take care of things.”

Kevin saw that. He knew she longed to be rescued but he didn’t want to do the saving. He didn’t believe that was the right way to begin a second marriage. The two ended their relationship and a year passed before they spoke.

Reflecting on that year Cathy said, “God gave me that time to decide not that I needed Kevin, but that I wanted him.” They eventually started talking again.

I asked Kevin what changed. “What changed? I was crazy about her. And I recognized that she didn’t need to be rescued anymore.”

A search for a new home for Cathy and her kids led them to buying a bigger house, one suitable to blend their families. But after the wedding, something flipped in Cathy. Afraid to be vulnerable and with deep wounds still festering from her first marriage, she began to push Kevin away. She became controlling and argumentative until one day Kevin told her, “I just feel like you don’t love me.”

Even years later, the residual pain from Kevin’s observation was evident as she shared. “That’s when God really started to take over. He helped me realize if there was an obstacle, I would need to behave like a good godly wife even if the feelings weren’t there.”

About that same time, God was speaking to Kevin. “I just needed to give her the benefit of the doubt,” he said. “The Holy Spirit was at work, giving me discernment to see that her anger came from a place of pain and the crap of her first marriage. I knew it wasn’t her, but I didn’t have an answer.”

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19, NLT

This was the moment I waited for – that moment of . . . “but yet God”. That moment when the destruction and devastation turns something ugly into something beautiful because that is the work of God. Redemption. Healing. Restoration. I already saw the beauty in their marriage and in them individually, and this was the turning point. The surrender. The release. The trust.

See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.” Isaiah 12:2, NLT

Through the gift of their youngest son, the community they experienced through a christian youth theater, and the wooing of the Holy Spirit, Kevin and Cathy were stirred awake through the gift of transformational faith. As Cathy watched Kevin be a dad and experienced his unconditional love, her feelings began to change as her heart softened toward her husband. She fell in love with him. Not the Hollywood, stars-in-the-eyes kind of love, though I saw her eyes twinkle every time she looked at him. No, this was a love rooted in truth and hope, grounded in Jesus, the kind that stands firm in the face of adversity.

But while things had begun to change, there was still one crucial element needed for their marriage to bloom. While serving at their church, Kevin was approached by the leadership to see if they’d be interested in leading a marriage ministry. He chuckled. “Did they really know what our marriage was like?” After spending time in prayer and not wanting to disappoint his wife, they said yes. “This was the first time I felt that God really needed to show up, otherwise everything would fail. It was beyond me.” And God did show up, just as He always had. And it was good, Kevin said, from the very beginning.

Cathy believes that “God honored our commitment to be obedient without any expectations in return. He did his part and I did mine. It felt like we got in God’s boat and were resolved to see it through. God is such a redeemer that everything that has happened – all of the brokenness – has been used for good. Those thoughts were not us. Stick it out, behave like a godly wife. . . who does that?”

Only God.

Only God takes two broken people and creates not only a beautiful flower, but transforms brokenness into a beautiful garden as He uses their love story to encourage others.

“We get it. There’s hope for you. I love him more every single day. If you would’ve asked me during those first years of marriage if I’d ever feel this way, I’d say no. But God redeems everything.”

But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.” Hosea 2:14-15a, NLT

Have you experienced God’s transformational power in your marriage? Join the conversation by sharing a comment below or over on our Facebook page.

Love, Hope, and a Sprinkle of Laughter

by //

We’re talking marriage this month at Facets of Faith, answering the question: how is God helping me bloom through my marriage. Tracy and Jen shared already, be sure to check out their posts. Today it’s my (Kim’s) turn, so here we go!

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me . . . he loves me not.

Last week was the 20th anniversary of my first wedding for a marriage that lasted fourteen years. Fourteen years of holding my breath, slowly plucking at each flower petal as I wondered and waited. He loves me. Chaos and crisis defined most of our years together, until like the failing rose in Beauty and the Beast, the remaining petal shriveled and died. He loves me not.

Marriage scared me. Or more accurately, intimacy did. Could I trust someone with my whole heart again? Was I willing to take the risk of allowing someone near? There was so much pain and sorrow, I wasn’t sure.

A little more than four years ago, in a burst of courage, I signed up for one of those dating websites. Yep, that was me. My divorce was final and I wanted to meet new people. Nervously, I filled out my profile, trying to determine how much to share and what to keep close.

Simple questions like listing the number of kids sent waves of anxiety over me. Who will want to deal with that, I wondered. I decided to stay vague. Vagueness protected. Vagueness kept others at bay.

Emails started filling my inbox. One by one, I hit delete. Until I saw his picture. Peering close, I noticed a child’s hand on his shoulder. Intrigued, I clicked on his profile. There wasn’t much but something in his picture stirred something in me. What the heck, I thought. I hit reply and a tiny shoot broke through the earth.

God had been doing a tender work in me throughout this dark season. He compassionately pulled up weeds of pride and bitterness. He whispered words of love and hope nurturing my soul and restoring the nutrients I so desperately needed to heal my broken heart.

Forgiveness. Compassion. Grace. But I didn’t see the rest of what He was preparing for me, not right away.

Through a series of emails we began to learn about each other, this man and I. We found out we graduated the same year from rival high schools and liked the same cars. We both loved kids and each had a few of our own. Then came the surprise, the one thing I couldn’t ignore.

We both lost a child.

In that moment as I read his words, it looks like we have something else in common, I tasted the grace of God’s goodness. It was as if I were infused with oxygen and could freely breathe again. Not because of this man, but because of how God chose to use this man. That tiny bud began to reach toward the sun. It had been so long . . .

His son, Timmy, died when he was four. He drowned in their swimming pool. My daughter, Emma, died when she was five in a fire that destroyed our home. I remember writing to him that if nothing else, we were going to be good friends. We shared a bond that most, thankfully, do not. We tasted the bitterness of sorrow so deep that changes our very soul.

I often think about that moment, that first bit of connection we felt before we ever met. I tasted hope that day and it was refreshing and good.

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19, NLT

One email led to another until we finally talked on the phone. Eventually, we decided to meet and last month we celebrated our first wedding anniversary. A day, quite honestly, I never thought I’d celebrate again, but only for God’s mercy and grace.

This may sound a little cheesy, but let’s face it, this entire post has that flavor . . . but I feel myself coming alive each day I wake as Russ’s wife. I experienced so much sorrow and death that I became accustomed to its weight around my shoulders. It was like the comfortable sweatshirt I know is ripped and torn, yet feels so safe and warm. Being Russ’s wife helps me learn a new way of life as we embrace the dance of living with grief because he knows it, too.

I never knew being married was like this. I understood the hard part – the in sickness and in bad times. But this good part? The laughter, the fun, the encouragement, the genuine enjoyment? It’s new and like a refreshing rain nourishing the soil God tilled and prepared.

He hugs me at night and whispers I have the best wife ever. It doesn’t matter if I was grumpy or frustrated, if I disciplined his kids or forgot to make dinner. His whispered words of love saturate my mending heart with hope. Hope that marriage is what I thought it could be, hope that two people could not only love each other, but like each other, as well.

My husband stands up for me and protects me. He remains firm when I feel rocked by the waves of fear and anxiety. He longs to provide not only for my needs, but even some of my wants. And he tries to make me smile and laugh every. single. day. Almost to a fault, but it makes me love him even more.

He offers me a glimpse of the love and protection God has for me. I feel safe and secure as I learn more about him, about Jesus, and about myself. I’m beginning to take risks where fear would have won and I’m stepping toward dreams because my husband loves to encourage me on.

Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s ours and it’s good. We brought some carts of baggage to our marriage, but somehow we ended up with a beautiful matching set.

Somehow.

No, God did that . . . that’s how.

I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” Joel 2:25, ESV

How does God speak to you through your spouse? In your marriage? Join the conversation by sharing a comment below or on our Facebook page.