Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

A Mama’s Heart on Guilt and Learning to Fly

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We’ve been chatting about something most moms feel at some point in their lives: mama guilt. What do we do with it? How does it affect our parenting? Tracy and Jen shared earlier this month, be sure to check out their stories. Today, it’s my (Kim) turn and I’m sharing something I don’t typically talk about so here we go . . .

He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.” Isaiah 40:11, NLT

I sat next to my oldest girl, stuffed into an auditorium seat along with hundreds of other students and parents listening to the college president speak.

How did we get there? College freshman orientation. Where had the time flown? Wasn’t I just a student myself with my entire life spread out before me?

Instead, I sat next to Kelsey trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill. This girl and I had been through so much together. Years of just the two of us as I parented alone. Learning to combine our little family with another as we became a blended family of five and, eventually, adding Emma for a total of six, followed by years that tumbled with trials and hardship, laughter and love.

The president’s words invaded my moment of reminiscing. I tuned in to hear him challenge us to encourage our kids to leave our nest and allow them to fly on their own.

I chuckled and nudged her – that’s exactly what I said! She didn’t like hearing that so much. I believe one of my jobs as a mom is to raise my kids to leave the nest and care for themselves. I still believe that. I wanted Kelsey to take care of herself, no matter what life brought her way.

Oh, how I wanted her to live well and lead a different life than I created.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me,O God. They cannot be numbered!” Psalm 139:13-17, NLT

I was in my second year of college and on track to become a teacher. I didn’t have a boyfriend but yearned to be loved. The yearning became so strong that I chose sex before marriage and ended up pregnant. There’s more to that story but some details aren’t meant to be shared, only left in the past with grace. But that single decision led another and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl though I was barely past the girl stage myself. I was twenty years old.

Even then I determined to protect and provide for my girl, no matter what. I determined to raise her to be strong and courageous and compassionate and deeply, deeply loved.

But there were days, and sometimes still are, when the weight of guilt presses down accusing me of all I’ve done wrong, pointing its snarly finger at every place I’ve failed, how I failed her.

When those thoughts and feelings of failure take root, others often join in until I tumble headfirst toward despair. They remind me that life didn’t get easier after I married. In fact, it turned much more difficult when we lost her youngest sister in a fire that destroyed all we knew and grief ripped at our souls. I did my best to protect her from the worst and tried to make up for what she lost, because she lost so very much, but I could only do so much.

So I pushed and encouraged and prayed, sometimes from a place of genuine love but often through a heart filled with guilt. Oh, how I love my girl and wanted to keep her safe, shielding her from the wounds of life. I didn’t want her to feel the pain and rejection I experienced from being a young single mom and the hardship that followed.

My fear of her pain and being crushed by my own pushed me to learn more about God’s character as I experienced the depth of His love. I realized the greatest gift I could give my girl was a life whole heartedly pursuing Jesus. That meant I needed to give Jesus access to my whole heart, allowing Him to heal the broken places and breathe life into the wounded spaces. That meant I needed to release the crushing power of guilt and shame to the One who frees and doesn’t condemn, and choose to trust God to redeem and restore all that had been destroyed.

It was during those dark days that I also began to learn in order to truly fight for my girl, I needed to wage war in a different way. I couldn’t protect her from the sorrows of this world, so much was beyond my control. But I could pray to the One who ultimately protects and loves her infinitely more than I do.

So when the spiral of despair begin and the feelings swoop in, I grab hold of them and bring them to Jesus in prayer. Scripture says it this way:

The world is unprincipled. It’s dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn’t fight fair. But we don’t live or fight our battles that way – never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren’t for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose though and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, The Message

I started to see a better way to protect her, to fight for her. I longed to see my girl experience healing in her own heart and soul, and to grow in wisdom and strength. I longed for her to see God’s hand at work, especially during those darkest of days.

There’s such a tender balance between allowing our kids to experience pain trusting they find hope. It’s such a fine line to walk praying they’ll see Jesus knowing it often happens at the bottom of a pit. But pray I did, and will continue to until my final breath.

As I sat next to Kelsey at her college freshman orientation and allowed the tidal wave of emotions splash over me – the guilt and hope, the excitement and fear, the love and loss – I was reminded again that God is bigger than my feelings, and He is greater than my failures and guilt. For sitting beside me was a beautiful, strong, and independent young woman who had begun to learn to follow Jesus on her own. She could have chosen a different way or even hidden from her own pain. Instead, she was learning to fly, just as her mama had prayed.

Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:30-31, NLT

How do you navigate mama’s guilt? Join the conversation by commenting below or jump over to our Facebook page and share. We mamas need to stick together!

God’s Resurrecting Power: From Death to Life

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We’ve been talking about God’s resurrecting power here at Facets of Faith this month. Tracy and Jen shared their perspectives earlier this month and you don’t want to miss them. Now it’s my (Kim’s) turn. Ready?

I don’t like to feel out of control. That feeling of powerlessness, an inability to influence or change circumstances or, to be honest, even people around me.

Call me a control freak, with this desire to order and maintain my world. These feelings of powerlessness that sneak up on me, but like everyone, there’s a story behind these impulses. I know all too well what it feels like to be utterly helpless, completely powerless, and it scares the life right out of me.

It happened one day about twelve years ago. I left my home thinking all was normal, as my every day life could possibly be. I forgot something on my way to work so, in my typically optimistic fashion, I turned my car around and determined this was simply more time to listen to a message from one of our pastors.

Little did I know what was happening as I turned my car back that morning. Little did I know the scene I was about to drive upon would change everything. My family. My home. My life. Nothing would be the same.

Fire poured from the home I left just twelve minutes earlier. My home that still held my precious Emma and her daddy.

I remember standing on the driveway feeling utterly powerless, the crushing weight of what I lacked to stop the scene unfolding before me. The fear that snatched my breath away. The horror that my daughter may have breathed her last. The crushing reality that my greatest fear just became my living nightmare.

My heart shriveled up and threatened to die that day fire destroyed everything. But somehow, in some way, it continued to beat and pump living-giving blood. It continued to beat as the doctor told me Emma died. It continued to beat as her daddy struggled against pneumonia and third-degree burns. It continued to beat as I stood next to her little white coffin and stroked her tender cheek that no longer held the warmth of life.

My heart betrayed me as it continued to beat and pump, reminding me that life continued on even though death made its unwelcome departure with my little girl.

Powerless.

Never as a mom, as a woman, as a person did I feel so utterly out of control. I never expected this. I feared it. I prayed against it. I never expected to bury my daughter. And that weight of grief, those unexpected blows as wave after wave pummeled against my wounded body caused me to gasp for each life-sustaining breath.

How do you survive the dark days your deepest fears come alive? Maybe you, too, have walked the treacherous road of losing a child or a spouse, your health or your job. How do you find your footing when you’ve been knocked to your knees? How do you choose life when all you taste is death?

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18, NLT

I clung to the One who not only gives life, but who resurrects it. The One who takes dead, lifeless things and creates life by breathing into dry bones (Ezekial 37:5). The One who conquered my greatest fear with a single crushing blow as He hung on the cross and triumphed over death. I was powerless, without control, but I knew the One who loves me, who not only has power but is the source of power, and I held on to Him for dear life. Literally.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13, NLT

His is the power that fed thousands of people with few loaves and a couple of fish. His is the power that silenced the seas and called a dead man from the grave. His is the power that healed diseases and stopped years of bleeding. His is the power that conquered death once and for all.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9, NLT

That power . . . that resurrecting power changes everything. And it’s not just for then, those days Jesus walked the earth or as his disciples performed miracles. God’s resurrecting power that rose Jesus from the grave is available for us today. Now.

His resurrecting power heals the deepest wounds and shines bright in the darkest of places. His resurrecting power declares goodness despite brokenness, and offers hope in despair. His resurrecting power breathes life, restores shattered hearts, and revives lost dreams.

He saved me. His resurrecting power revived me. His power gives me strength on the days I miss my girl the most and shifts my gaze from all I lost to all He has in store for me. His resurrection power breathes new life, life that I enjoy and embrace all the days my feet will walk this earth. And He gives me hope, hope that death and destruction do not have the final say. He does. And that same power He gives me is available for you. Will you choose life?

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,” Ephesians 3:16, NLT

How have you experienced God’s resurrecting power in your life? Join the conversation and leave a comment or jump over to our Facebook page to share there.

The Lion and the Lamb: When I’m Afraid

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Welcome to Facets of Faith where, each month, you read about a single topic from three different perspectives. This month we’re talking about how to reflect Jesus, the Lion and the Lamb, in our lives. Tracy and Jen have share already –be sure to check them out!

Emma used to roar.

My sweet, somewhat mild-mannered little girl used to open her mouth and let out this most glorious sound.

I had forgotten she did that until a recent conversation I had with my mom. We often talk about Emma, but usually we share how much we miss her, how our hearts and arms ache to hold her. Emma died twelve years ago in a fire that destroyed our home. This year I chose to honor her life on the anniversary of her death through the release of a new book, and my mom was helping resurrect memories to include in it.

My little Emma used to roar whenever she felt afraid or uncomfortable. Normally, she was sweet and mild. Sure, she had a silly side typically seen only by those who knew her best. But when she was afraid? Watch. out. It didn’t matter who you were, she would stare you down, open her mouth, and release her emotions with a heart-felt roar.

Kind of like Simba from The Lion King. There’s a scene where Simba and Nala disobey Mufasa, Simba’s father, and travel beyond their protected land. They soon find themselves chased by enemies and before long, are cornered by the hyenas as they trembled with fear. Even so, Simba mustered up some courage and, with Nala nestled behind him, Simba stood firm and roared.

The hyenas merely chuckled at his pitiful sound. Do that again, they mocked. With a deep breath, Simba roared again but this time it was mighty and strong because the King had come to their rescue.

This King’s roar was a declaration of protection by Mufasa himself, Simba’s father. His roar sent the hyenas running away with their knees knocking and bodies shaking because they knew . . . they knew King Mufasa was strong and victorious.

Oh to stand in the face of fear like that, like Simba. Like Emma.

But we can. We can because much like Simba, we have an even greater Lion who not only stands with us, protecting and watching over us, and this Lion is victorious. He is victorious because He is also the Lamb who gave himself as a peace offering, restoring our relationship with God.

But one of the twenty-four elders said to me, ‘Stop weeping! Look, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the heir to David’s throne, has won the victory. He is worthy to open the scroll and its seven seals.” Revelation 5:5, NLT

Jesus has the power to banish fear and triumph over death and sin. Jesus watches over you with his fierce protecting love. He demonstrated this fierce love as He hung on the cross, having laid down his life to take on the punishment for our sins and the sins of the world. The perfect Lamb of God. And there is nothing and no one that can snatch us away from him.

 I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand.” John 10:28-29, NLT

So how do we reflect the Lion and the Lamb?

We learn to roar like Emma. We stand firm and stare those fears and uncertainties right in the eye, knowing they are part of living in this broken world. Children die. Marriages end. Relationships wound. People disappoint.

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33, NLT

But we don’t stop there. Read the end of John 16:33 again.

We take heart. That means we keep on keeping on, we plant our lives in truth, and we live encouraged because Jesus has overcome the world.

Jesus is victorious, and if we’re to reflect the fullness of His character, we choose to live in victory as well. We reflect the Lion and the Lamb when we choose to trust Him despite our feelings, our circumstances, or knowing the outcome. I believe we reflect Him most when we walk secure in His victory knowing He is with us each step of the way.

So while we may still feel the feeling of fear, let’s choose to stare fear straight in the eye and roar, knowing the Lion and the Lamb stands with us, protecting us believing His roar is louder and more powerful than anything that might come our way.

But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?” Psalm 56:3-4, NLT

How can you choose to face your fears today to reflect the Lion and the Lamb? Join the conversation and jump over to our Facebook page or leave a comment below.