Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

When I’m Afraid: 3 Steps to Beating Fear in Relationships

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Thanks for visiting, friend. This month’s topic has been a wonderful introspective opportunity. Tracy shared her thoughts last week HERE, Kim is up next week, and our guest, Megan, will wrap up the following week. We’ve been thinking about trusting God with our fears, and we’re pretty sure this topic relates.

Can I really trust God? On days that go smooth-as-silk, it can be easy—or I may not even ask that question at all. When my heart and mind are weakened by fear; admittedly, it’s tough.

People, personal space, and sharing my fragile self with others—it looks like very mild social anxiety, I suppose. The truth is, entering into relationships can be hard. If I’m honest, I admit to having a smidge of fear when people are different than me. Initially it was noticeable with men: they tend to be bigger, broader, imposing. I’ve suffered intense pain at the hands of a few men. That’s one reason I’m thankful for the gentler man God has given me.

“One bad apple spoils the whole bushel.”

What’s true in the fruit bowl doesn’t translate to relationships. Sometimes it’s hard to separate moments in time, the people involved, and the things that happened. I know I’ve gotten confused and lumped some people, places, and things together unconsciously.

A little knowledge is dangerous, and I’ve studied the human mind a little bit—enough to know that how we experience an event in time (especially with others) matters. When emotion floods a moment, it’s not uncommon for the mind to trap details in a way that changes future responses to similar events or people who appear similar. We can, consciously or unconsciously, generalize unkindness from a single person to a larger group: all men (or women) pay for the actions of one. Worse, all people whose skin looks a certain way or who align with a certain broadly-painted worldview face the phantoms of the past, stereotypes, or cultural caricatures portrayed in a hundred media outlets.

So, what do we do? Ultimately, we need to forget the stereotypes and caricatures, and put away the phantoms. But maybe we begin with baby steps.

I wondered what would happen if I tried to—

See, I mean really see, the person in front of me. Is this person the original source of my hurt? If not, I plan to let each individual stand or fall by his or her own choices and real actions. I don’t want others to pay for the actions of phantoms or the possible actions of cultural caricatures and old stereotypes I picked up in another time and place. I’ve been asking God to give me the insight to see which of the three views I’m holding in the moment. This is one area I’ve worked hard! I’m a work in progress, and it’s never easy, but I’ve begun to catch when generalization or transference is in play.

Be in the moment. I find it helpful to look around and ask Where am I right now? Who am I with? If this is a safe place with safe people, I want to embrace that and let down the guard and attitude I’ve maintained for too long. I can choose to be open, honest, receptive, even teachable in the moment. This step has grown in tandem with seeing, I think. When I consciously choose to see, it’s easier to be. The conversation and actions in the moment can be so important to the relationship. I’ll choose selfless authenticity in safety. The person in front of me might just do the same. Win-win!

Love. I’ll ask How can I love this person best in this moment? Loving those who are easy to love is low-hanging fruit in relationships. My challenge is stepping up to love the ones who are hard (and hard can look 100 different ways!). (Is that a challenge for you?) This is the uphill battle for me. The softer side of relationship (love) doesn’t come as naturally to me. Love is open and selfless and vulnerable a lot of the time. It’s not always received or returned. It’s not about return on investment. And love isn’t about all about me—or it’s not authentic love to begin with.

25 Just then an expert in the law stood up to test Him [Jesus], saying, “Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” 26 “What is written in the law?” He asked him. “How do you read it?” 27 He answered: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself. 28 “You’ve answered correctly,” He told him. “Do this and you will live.” 29 But wanting to justify himself, he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” Luke 10 CSB

When we look at God’s love given to us, it’s wholly different than the way we like others or offer kindness hoping to get something out of it. Jesus’ love was an all-in, holding-nothing-back kind of love!

19 We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Do the right thing! This is where faith has legs. I ask What’s the next right thing? But better yet—will I decide to lean in rather than out, listening attentively to the person I see and to the Spirit? Rather than fill the void with my own internal or external voice, will I wait for words and be still? If I don’t get to speak, will I choose that kind of stillness? Will I invest my time, energy, or resources in the way He leads? Even if it’s costly to me? Painfully so?

There is a right kind of fear…

11 Come, children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Psalm 34:11

Catch that! Fear of the Lord, friend, is what we are hoping for—not fear of anyone or anything else. I want that to be real in my life, don’t you? Being quiet and listening is the start of that beautiful life trait. Listening isn’t related to a person’s looks or worldview. It’s a choice we make because someone is human and made in the image of God.

If you’ve hung in here, thanks for walking this slice of thought life with me. I wish I could hear the thoughts whirring in your mind right now! Do you struggle with this process in a “similar but different” way? I think we all do.

While I want to be fearless, I know parts of my character are being refined every day. This is just one area of my heart I desperately want to see grow and change into beautiful, peaceful strength. I’ve learned to lean into moments of mild awkwardness and discomfort with people different than me, and with practice, I’ve seen a lot of success. I respect some of the emotional boundaries (for now), giving myself grace for each day that reveals fear or crude relational skills. I understand I got to this place by experiences with people, and I know my Jesus loves all people and has a mind to help me love like He does. I won’t settle for where I am now. (What would happen if none of us settled?)

Think about this—Who are you afraid of? Where does the fear come from? If you didn’t settle, what would you do about it?

I hope you know how much the Facets team appreciate each of you. We hope you’ll bring your thoughts and ideas into the mix each week—that’s when the conversation gets rolling.

Signature, Jennifer Howe

Can I Trust God When I Want to Be a ‘Fraidy Cat?

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This month the FACETS team stares fear in the face as we explore how God meets us in the midst of our ‘Fraidy Cat moments. We explore what it means to trust God and choose faith over the fear that wants to keep each one of us from fulfilling all God has for us. Check back over the next few weeks to see what Jennifer, Kim, and our special guest have to say on the topic. We all have to face fear, so I pray you learn something new that proves helpful on your own faith journey as you check back in each week.

Have you ever had to wait on something for a long time? Fear sets in when hope gets hard from too much waiting. We wonder if that thing we’ve been waiting on will ever come to pass.

It’s hard to hang onto hope when we’ve been clinging to it for a protracted period. If we were an anchor, barnacles would cover the hope lingering in our hearts. Hardly recognizable, the hope we once clung to not easily seen. It’s there, but it takes effort as we scrape the barnacles off, borrow brave, and keep eyes fixed on God and His promises.

Isn’t the question we’re really asking: Can I trust God while He has me in the wait?

I used to be extremely impatient and impulsive. Getting to my goal ─fast─ used to be my motto. Waiting wasn’t in my vocabulary.

My desire to achieve deeply rooted in fear. I feared I wasn’t good enough, so I had to excel – at everything – in order to matter for anything.  I wrestled with who I was and wondered if that (then) young woman was genuinely good for anything. I feared not. So I faked it. Hard! I thought no one knew how afraid I was. My guess now is, many people probably were well aware.

Isn’t it obvious when someone’s trying too hard?

Funny how fearing becoming a big flop became a self-fulfilling prophesy. I encountered hard times in my life, that turned out to be the best thing that ever happened.

Failure helped me come to know my Father. And in failing, I learned to fear it less. Don’t get me wrong, failing wasn’t fun. It was painful. But in the pain, there was purpose. I learned to make peace with myself. I learned who I am and how God made me. Through failure I learned I could pick myself up and try again.

God was at the helm of my life, scraping off years of rust from sitting in salt water, crustaceans eating away at the purest parts of who God made me to be. It took time. If you’ve ever restored anything, you know that’s generally the case. In time God showed me purpose. He continues to do so.

God’s always working, refining and purifying. He’s not in a hurry. And I’ve learned to be in a hurry less. If we rush the Artist, we’re likely to muddle up the masterpiece He’s working out in us.

I’ve become much more patient with myself as I’ve grown in Christ. It’s another gift God has given as I’ve journeyed with Him in the faith.  I pray He grows that grace gift in you as well, to be kind and patient with yourself.

At first, it felt like I was learning a foreign language. Unfamiliar. I wasn’t sure how to be patient with myself. The fear factor would rear and I’d go back to familiar patterns of performance. I’m more aware. I can see it sooner now and return to center – with Christ at the helm – making me brave where I once was full of fear.

These words whisper to you too, “Be patient with yourself. It’s a process. Learning to wait well takes time.”

And in that time, we also get to cuddle up with Christ. Being patient, we grow to rely on God more. It’s less about what we can do, and more about what He does as we give up control to the One who knows what He’s doing! He’s not going to make a mistake, and He’ll certainly help us make far fewer ones, even as He allows us to make some so we can learn and grow.

Time gives us opportunity to know Jesus better than we would have had we rushed the process. Time also gives us opportunity to know ourselves better. We become more certain of who we are, how God made us, and confident He made us good (even if imperfect).

It takes a bit of courage to believe God is up to something good in our lives (even when we can’t see it).  We are braver for all His barnacle scraping, because He’s giving us strong glimpses of what He really has in store for you and me.

Wait patiently for the LORD.

Be brave and courageous.

Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.

~ Psalm 27:14 NLT

In the patient quiet with the Lord as He continues to help me be still, I noticed something new in Psalm 27:14 which I hadn’t seen before. Sandwiched between wait patiently were the words brave and courageous.

Wait patiently for the LORD.

Be brave and courageous.

Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.

~ Psalm 27:14 NLT (emphasis added)

As the words brave and courageous jumped off the page, the Lord impressed these words upon my heart:

“Patience, the antithesis of fear.”

When we are patient and wait for the Lord, we exhibit great bravery.

When we are patient and wait for the Lord, we demonstrate courage.

In our grab-and-go world, we could succumb to fear, wondering whether the one thing we’ve been waiting for will ever come to pass or just pass us by.  We could take control and take things into our own hands – out of fear we’re not enough, or worse, out of fear God is not enough. We could think we are the master craftsman of our lives, in control of where our ship is sailing and let the fraidy cat inside of each of us win.

Or we could choose to wait patiently. Trust God. Trust His character, and that He’s doing something in ours if there’s a divine delay. Or perhaps He’s teaching us a new thing as was the case with me.

Antithesis isn’t in my everyday language. I felt led to look it up in the dictionary.

In its simplest form, antithesis means opposite.

Patience is the opposite of fear.

There’s another interesting definition of antithesis, rhethoric. The placing of a sentence or one of its parts against another to which it is opposed to form a balanced contrast of ideas, as in “Give me liberty or give me death.”

As I read that definition, another word jumped into my head. Juxtapose. Again, I had a vague knowledge of what the word meant, but felt like I was on a bit of a treasure hunt at this point.

According to dictionary.com, juxtapose means to place close together or side by side, especially for comparison or contrast.

Why the vocabulary lesson? Through language I don’t use in my everyday conversation, I realized God was speaking to me. He taught me a new way to hear His voice. Because I wasn’t in a hurry. Because I slowed down enough to be curious as a cat and let Him speak to me, I heard what was on His heart.

Brave and courageous juxtaposed on the pages of Scripture with great intention. Perhaps we are being the bravest version of ourselves when we wait patiently and cling to the hope we have in Christ and claim every promise He has given us in His Word.

Wait patiently for the LORD.

Be brave and courageous.

Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.

~ Psalm 27:14 NLT

When the wait is hard and fear wants to grab ‘hold of your heart, remember sweet child of God that you are brave. Brave women of God wait patiently. Brave women of God realize they have nothing to prove. Christ did that on a cross for you and me, so cuddle up with Him and let Him show you how brave you are while you wait patiently.

Fear says, “It’s never going to happen.”

God says, “Time will tell.”

I pray God silences the voice that taunts with fear and that God meets you in the wait as He shows you the peace, power, and preparation of abiding in His presence.

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

What Are You Going Back To?

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This month FACETS of Faith explores the question, what are you going back to? The topic stumped me (Tracy).  I’ve been praying. And praying. And praying.

My fingers pecked across the keyboard. “I’m not even sure what You want me to write about this month, Lord…” Prattle to hopefully jump start my creative engine. It didn’t work.  Battery dead. No Power. (And without His Power, my words WOULD be just mindless prattle.)

So I stopped, closed up shop, and did something else. No sense typing a bunch of nonsense, even if I was getting a little angsty with a deadline looming.  You see, it’s really important to me I don’t just write what I want.  I want to write what God is calling me to write, relevant and in season.

Finally, fresh revelation. The rescue made me as happy as seeing roadside assistance when you’re broken down on a dead-end street.  A trinity AAA rescue!

What are you going back to?  First and foremost, I’m going back to seeking the Lord. When I don’t know what to do, in situations big and small, I must continue to seek the Lord.  I feel this is my first response most of the time (these days).  But this is a good reminder to us all ─ God cares about it all. He cares about injustice across the globe, poverty and provision for people’s needs, how and whom we serve, what we do in our free time, and even what I write about.

Don’t think you aren’t important to Him. Don’t think your cares and concerns aren’t significant enough to put before God. They are, because you are!  God wants us all to know how deep and wide His love is for us.  It’s often through His response in small circumstances where He shows us how BIG we are loved.

Rejoice always and delight in your faith; be unceasing and persistent in prayer; in every situation [no matter what the circumstances] be thankful and continually give thanks to God; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.─1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 AMP

Prayer without ceasing is only possible if we include God in everything. So let’s involve Him in every little detail. When He shows us the way and what’s needed, lift up a shout of praise and rejoice!

What are you going back to? I’m also reminded to wait on Him and His timing.  There’s no sense trying to birth something before He’s darn good and ready to do so!  It’s futile, so why not just give in to His holy calendar? Sometimes the closer we are to our due date, the less patient we are to abide in God’s timing. But that’s where peace presides. Imagine pushing and pushing in month 6 of your pregnancy. You have 3 more months, so what’s your hurry? Sure. You want your body back. Sure. You’re anxious to see your new little one. Sure. You’re ready to wear a belt again and perhaps sleep without having to get up and go potty every 30 minutes. But you’ve got 3 more months. No amount of your wishing, and wanting, and even push, push, pushing is going to produce what isn’t ready to be birthed.

Be still, and know that I am God.─Psalm 46:10a ESV

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen this verse over the last year or so I might have the beginnings of a really good vacation fund.

But as irritating (and laughable) as it sometimes is when I get a fresh dose of this scripture, it’s also liberating. It’s not up to me. I don’t have to do anything until God says, “do it”. Once He gives the green light, it’s full speed ahead.  The road is well paved, because He’s prepared the way and I’m just following all His signs.

This Way.

Now That.

U-Turn.

Revisit That.

Go A Different Way.

Say “Hi” To Her.

Buy That One Dinner.

Say No.

Say Yes.

Construction Ahead, But Keep Going.

As we listen to His voice, He keeps us on the path. His path. The one that keeps us in peace even as He stretches and grows us.

And that thought leads me to God’s answer for me (and perhaps for some of you too). What are you going back to?

His very personal answer for me… my life. He wants me to go back to my life.  He’s saying. This is the way. Walk in it. Don’t put limits on your life. If you do, you’re putting limits on Me.

Are you putting limits on God and what He can do in and through you? Read the above paragraph again. Listen to what God is saying.

What does that seemingly grandiose statement mean? I am to go back to my life.

For any of you that have been in a birthing season, you understand it is extremely busy. A new baby to care for, a new business venture, a new job, planting a church, launching a ministry, it’s all a lot of work.

For well over a year I have been involved in starting up a human trafficking residential aftercare ministry. It has been an all-consuming, sometimes exhausting, tear inducing experience even as it has been full of joy and rich rewards to see God move.  I expected spiritual resistance, and even attack, but not to the level in which I encountered it. Let’s just say I have a few battle scars. But man, I wouldn’t have missed that battle for anything! Like a lot of things in life, it has also been so full of unexpected blessing and life altering encounters. I have been given gifts I will take with me long after God calls me away from this ministry.

It has been a hard year or so. It has been humbling. It has been a year of hibernating (in a sense). I didn’t do much else besides eat, breathe, and sleep the ministry. It’s what was needed in the intense start up period.

I had to say “no” to many things I would have been interested in doing; I knew I couldn’t.

But now, it’s a new season.

While I’m still super passionate about human trafficking and doing my part to participate in God’s mission against it, He says He has more.

None spiritual speak here … that kind of freaks me out!  More? Than this? This has been pretty monumental!

But this fight against human trafficking is not all that I am. I am much more. I am who God made me to be. I’m who He is making me to be.

The ministry is up and running and not all-consuming.  It’s busy, but not birthing kind of busy.   Now, He’s saying I can step into some new things and revisit some old endeavors I enjoyed.  Perhaps, my role will look different. Perhaps the gifts God has entrusted me to steward He’ll use in a slightly different capacity.

This morning as I was getting ready, God solidified this new season for me. I listened to Christine Caine’s teaching about stretching and growth. I knew it was for me. Here’s a woman, on fire for the Lord, doing great things for Him, not putting limits on what He can do in and through her. (Talk about a woman with some passion and zeal!)

She shared how she has been stretched by God to do more than she ever thought she could. She had her doubts. She hashed it out with God. And then she said, “Okay, let’s do this!” (so to speak)

Hearing her talk, I knew it was for me.  Perhaps it’s for you too. Do you have a lot on your plate and think to yourself, “I can’t add one thing more?” Maybe you can. But not in your own strength!  Let God do the “pushing” for you and maybe, just maybe you can.

Trust His voice because sometimes that’s not what He’s asking at all. But sometimes. Sometimes, it is!

God is releasing me to more fully explore a leadership role in a writing group I’ve been a part of for a number of years. I’m excited about what He can do in and through all the amazing women He has gathered. These ladies are awesome! All love Jesus and want to do what He wants them to. I think about the leadership development opportunities there might be (something I’m passionate about), and all that any little investment I am allowed to make might be magnified and multiplied. They have big dreams in the name of Jesus, so who wouldn’t want to surround themselves with friendships like that?

I feel released to explore some ministry opportunities at my church ─ at least released enough to have some preliminary discussions of what things could look like. Dream a little. Explore. Noodle. Create in a slightly different fashion.

And I might be able to get back to some of the life coaching I was doing, which I absolutely love.  It requires a full emotional tank, and now that I am not running on emotional empty from ministry launch, I feel more released to engage.

What are you going back to?  If you don’t know, seek God through prayer. If His answer is “delayed”, don’t push. Don’t get ahead, but don’t lag behind.  Wait on His timing to reveal His purposes for your life. Pay attention to seasons, circumstances, and what those might be saying to you about what God has for you. Abide in His presence and let His peace (even in the midst of crazy, crazy) guide your decisions.

I was asked earlier today how I felt about getting older. My honest answer, “Okay”. I feel very alive, because God is always doing something new in my life. He’s interested in my growth (and He’s faithful to grow me).  But here’s the thing …. He knows I’m “all in”. I’m not going to give up even when the going gets really hard. Believe you me, it has from time to time.  In spite of the tough seasons, I’ve got to say “yes” to God.

If we decline what God has for us, that’s when our lives spiral into decline.  If we say “no” when He wants us to say “yes”, we’re not doing what we were made for. It’s not old age or even death that steals life from us. When we stop living, that’s when life leaves us.

How can you most fully engage in the life God is calling you to live? Follow His whispers, His signs to what will make your life great, because you’re becoming more and more the very woman (or man) God designed you to be.

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Don’t forget to check back in later this month to read Kim’s and Jennifer’s perspective, as well as our first male guest contributor who will close out the month’s topic: What are you going back to?