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How Do We Grow in Intimacy?

07.02.2019 by Tracy Stella //

Welcome to FACETS of Faith, sweet friends!  Whether you are a new friend, or someone who has been with us on this journey for quite some time, I (Tracy) pray God meets you right where you are. It’s not by mistake God has brought you to these pages. I pray you feel God’s loving, warm embrace upon you as your eyes and heart absorb what He has for you.

Depending on your perspective, this topic might stir a host of emotion. You could be enthusiastic about the idea of intimacy.

If you’ve had tragedy in this area, you could be terrified at the mere mention of the word.  Please don’t check out if that’s you.  Hang in there. Let’s see what healing and restoration God desires to bring to your life. You are BRAVE, sweet one!

Perhaps you’re somewhere in the middle, a little indifferent to the thought of intimacy.  Maybe you’re unaware there’s a snag in beliefs you have long held as truth.  Maybe what you’ve believed for a lifetime isn’t what you once thought when you turn beliefs over and see what lies beneath.

How do we grow in intimacy? (Tracy Stella)Intimacy can be beautiful. Pure, sweet, love extended to our marital partner. The counterfeit, worldly version can leave us wanting more. Because there is more when we’re rooted and grounded in Christ’s love.

Truth be told, as we tossed out the idea of writing on this topic, some of the FACETS team was more than a little apprehensive. So, if that’s how you are feeling, know that you are not alone.  There’s comfort in that thought, right?

For me personally, I embrace the idea of intimacy when it means intellectual connection, when it means experience of fun things together, but sexual intimacy stirs up a whole pot of feelings that, in some regard, my initial internal response is to run.

Life experience used to tell me men wanted one thing and my job was to give it to them.  I deeply desired someone to love me, but struggled with the idea I was even worthy of love.  The more years under my belt, the more deeply engrained those lies became. I grew to believe I was only as valuable as how I made the other person feel.   And because I allowed my misguided attempts at love to guide my decisions, sadly, it was a self-fulfilling prophesy.  Very often I attracted the wrong type of man, the one who only wanted to use me for what I could give him and then move on.

Not everyone in my life fell into that category, but many did.

This internal belief only served to create a deeper root of insecurity. I put a lot of pressure on myself to look a certain way, to do certain things – performance more than genuine, intimate connection.

If someone could have looked inside my heart, they would have seen a grieving young girl that grew into a grieving, love-starved woman.  As years progressed, I became more and more broken.  I became what I thought I was worth.

If we don’t value ourselves. No one else will either.

I also possessed a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors.  It all came down to me feeling not good enough, so I’d engage in behaviors that were sure to prove my theory true.

At some point anger set in as well.  I was mad about how I’d been treated, about the things certain people said or did. There were deep scars that served to scream at me. Unworthy! Unlovable! Not enough!

I was raped at a party and disassociated from the memory for a long time, even though I had attempted suicide because of that incident.  There’s a cumulative effect of life’s trials. All the layers of mine had added up to despair.  I was in a relationship with a “good guy”, but after the rape incident, my body and my mind couldn’t carry the weight of it all.

I sabotaged the relationship, because of the depths of depression I was sinking in.  It was suffocating, and I wouldn’t have been able to even tell you why.  Only my journals revealed the truth. Years later, when I read the words I’d written long before my eyes could handle reading them, I sighed a sigh of relief. Somehow, things began to make sense.  Not crazy. Deeply wounded and in need of God’s loving, healing hands that never hurt. His embrace always sweet. Pure. Innocent. Love.  Good intentions from the day He created you and me in our mother’s wombs.

Another journal from 3rd grade revealed inappropriate adult attention from a neighbor.  I wasn’t sure if my mind was making it up and reading too much into the words I saw in my “little girl” journal. I was able to verify through someone else who also spent a lot of time with this individual that he had done inappropriate things to us both.  As sad as that made me feel for the little girl who used to be me, I was grateful for the puzzle piece to my story.

When we’re ready for the details, they can bring clarity and relief.  These insights can’t be rushed or provoked. I believe it’s all in God’s good timing. He shows up as truth mixed with love when we have the capacity to see it, to process it without being undone because of it.

As part of my story, I had an abortion. The unknown trauma that decision caused me came to light a number of years ago (and decades after my decision) when God brought me through a healing journey. I received His forgiveness and was given the opportunity to grieve the loss of my child. I’m glad eternity is long. Time will give us the chance to get to know one another while worshipping Jesus together.

God is merciful to forgive repentant hearts from things we may think are beyond His reach.  Even more beautiful? His grace takes our worst sin and works it together for our good.  Sharing about my bad decision has helped others to make a good one. Each child’s life saved because sharing of story is a picture of God’s grace. It’s LAVISH, my friends!

Sex used to be my misguided attempt to give and receive love. I really had no concept of what genuine, sacrificial, Christ-shaped love looked like. I thought if I used my body to appeal to men they would love me.  Instead, I was so often left feeling unloved and rejected (even if the relationship were longer). I came to believe my worth and value to a man was calculated by how I made him feel.

This and probably a scroll’s worth of sin I brought into my marriage.

My life has shaped me, but it doesn’t define me.  Christ does!  For you too. Nothing you have done, nothing that has been done to you, is beyond His redemption.

His blood covers my sin and shame. In fact, He blows those things to smithereens. It’s one of the reasons I’m genuinely grateful to God for what He has done in my life.  His grace is the only reason I can write about my past without feeling condemned by it.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.─Ephesians 4:32

I have been forgiven much. I had to forgive much. God’s grace helped (and helps) me to not only extend forgiveness but receive it as well.  When you have spent a large chunk of your life feeling unworthy, Christ’s grace makes sure you believe you are.  Worthy of forgiveness. Worthy of love. Worthy of His time and undivided attention. Worthy of so much more than what we think or imagine.

He wants us to run to Him with our wounds, to rest secure in His arms.  He is Counselor. He is Physician. He is Friend.  He is our Husband. As children of God, we are His bride.

When you have a past as bumpy as the road I’ve travelled, the only way to feel worthy of the beauty and grace that is God and all He has for us is by losing ourselves in His immense love.  If you’ve never experienced the love of God, I pray you are open enough to the idea of Him to receive it. He is Beautiful. Pure. True. Untainted.

He gives us power and strength to peer into our past for the purpose of a bright, beautiful, and hopeful future.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”─Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Even if you don’t believe you are worthy, even if you don’t believe those words could be true for you, if you have only a morsel of hope and belief they are true for you, that is enough. I pray God grows your belief into the fullness of reality that you are worthy. Valuable. Priceless and treasured.

I know this is possible, because He took this once broken woman and gave me a hope for my future. My life is good, pure, sweet and true, because I’m following the One who is Good, Pure, Sweet and True.  He brings peace, and love, healing, and redemption.

He makes all things beautiful in their time.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.─Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV

Friends, we can’t fathom the goodness God desires to give us here on earth and for all eternity.

He does give us glimpses.

God gave me a new vision of love and marriage when He brought Sam into my life.  From my past and the way I used to create favor with men, God didn’t allow me to use those tactics.  He wanted Sam and I to do things differently. I’m so grateful for that!

Because Sam and I weren’t relying on physical intimacy, we created genuine intimacy. I do believe other than God, he knows me best. He knows me better than anyone else ever has.  And sometimes he even knows me better than I know myself.

Because we didn’t rely on physical intimacy, I had no choice but to use new tools (mostly a dependency on God to help me walk out a Christian relationship). I prayed God would help me. And He did. And He does.

When there have been challenges Sam and I have had to navigate, as are inevitable in life, we have a strong foundation. Our relationship is built on Christ, the solid rock on which we stand. From that vantage point, His loving hand strengthens and encourages us to continue forward in this loving one another well thing. Really. Truly. Deeply. Flawed and imperfect, but genuine and real. My mask is off. I’m me and I hope he always feels he can be Sam.  In the world we might not always be able to wear our heart on our sleeve, but I hope with one another we always will.

Merriam Webster’s definition of intimacy says intimacy is:

  1. marked by a warm friendship developing through long association
  2. suggesting informal warmth or privacy
  3. engaged in, involving, or marked by sex or sexual relations

In aggregate, these make for a brilliant, wonderful marriage. We need friendship first through long association. Friendship isn’t confused by physicality and endorphins.  Friendship says, “I see you for who you really are. I like you. I like spending time with you. It could be anything, really, as long as we are together.”

Genuine intimacy also requires warmth and privacy. In a marital bond with Christ leading and guiding, there is a genuine caring and concern. Because Christ lives in us, we possess His nature. He is love. He is trustworthy. He is safe. As husbands and wives, we need to be that for one another.  If there has been a breach in trust for any reason, seek to make restoration. Seek forgiveness or seek God to give it to your spouse. It’s not easy. But it’s possible.  Trust is built over time, through long association. Little by little, brick by brick, the house Love builds can withstand life’s storms.

While God calls me to share openly and vulnerably sometimes (to help others and to bring deeper healing to me), Sam is most often made aware of my heart long, long before I write or speak about a topic. Sam is kind. He is tender. He holds my hurts and heart gently. Over the course of our long association I have learned I can trust him. At first it felt monumental to share pieces of me and my story, like cliff diving into an unknown sea. Now it feels safe to share with Sam.  I can be in my jammies armed with a box of Kleenex, looking a hot mess and know that his heart is for me.

Honestly, the physical nature of our relationship is hardest for me. There’s much hurt and brokenness there on my part, distortion of what is pure, lovely, and true.

God created sex. Satan tainted it.  God has grown me to look at sex more through His eyes. At first it was a lot of the “thou shalt nots” being given─not from a distant, dictating God. Guidance given from a loving Father who only wants what’s best for me.

If you don’t know Him or just need reminding,

God wants what’s best for you!

For awhile, I had a hard time distancing myself from memories I didn’t want to linger.  I didn’t want reminders of those experiences determined to try to define me.  The enemy loved to torment me with those thoughts and doubts. But God brought deliverance and freedom. Years in God’s Word.  Years in the school of the Holy Spirit, being comforted by Him and reassured there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Receiving His love and healing. Helping others. These all served to set me free.

Christ gave me freedom. And when I need reminding, He gives me freedom. Sometimes he brings me to new depths of freedom, each time less to hinder me.  Growth in the soil of God’s goodness.

God helps me to experience sex as intimacy, not as an act.  Acting I was good at. Intimacy I’m growing to become good at. It doesn’t happen over night, it happens in increments.  Imagine a bucket on the beach. Little by little you fill it with sand. Eventually it is full. Eventually it overflows. Intimacy is like that.

If you have a story like mine, intimacy isn’t easy.   But it if you have a story like mine and God is in the equation, intimacy is possible.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”─Matthew 19:26 NIV

Jesus looks at you.

Jesus looks at you and says, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Lord, help each person whose eyes read this to fear not, to know that You are with them. Help them to be not dismayed. Help them to know You. Strengthen each one. Help them and uphold them with Your righteous right hand.  In Jesus’ name, amen!

“Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

─Isaiah 41:10 NKJV

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Signature Image: Tracy Stella

 

Categories // Blooming in Marriage, Forgiveness, Freedom, Friendship, How to Love When It's Hard, Tracy Stella's Perspective Tags // abortion, beauty, Depression, Ecclesiastes 3:11, Ephesians 4:32, forgiveness, Freedom, Friendship, Grace, healing, hope, Intimacy, Isaiah 41:10, Jeremiah 29:11, Love, marriage, Matthew 19:26, Mercy, Purity, Rape, Redemption, Revelation, Safe, Safety, Sexual Trauma, sin, Suicide, Trust, Worth, Worthy

What Root Are You Tripping Over?

06.04.2019 by Tracy Stella //

The FACETS of Faith team is excited to share what God placed on our hearts for this month’s topic. Why? Because we believe God’s kids are going to get some freedom! That’s our prayer: freedom and fullness of life for all who read and engage with what God inspired us to write. Thanks for stopping by. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule. Snuggle up. Settle in. And let’s see what He has to say to us all. He’s given Kim, Jen, and our guest writer a voice in this as well. Can’t wait to see what God has to say through them too!

Life is full of moments, some of them defining. Choosing to forgive is one of them. I know forgiveness is complicated and getting to that place isn’t always easy. Forgiveness has its roots in love. Our lives are better for it.  When we invest ourselves in the conscious choice to choose love, we win.

We can’t choose love if we don’t know who He is. Love is sacrificial like Jesus.

“If you have experienced the power of love and forgiveness in your life, you’ll probably give away a lot of both. …. We can reflect the angst we felt or the grace we’ve received.”1

What root are you tripping over? (Tracy Stella)At this point in my life, I’ve experienced God’s love in profound and deep ways. That wasn’t always the case. I didn’t always know His love for me.  It was always there waiting. It just took me awhile to be ready to receive it.  I pray you have encountered this love, a well so deep, a knowing so intimate and personal, and safe. Jesus, He’s safe.  (I feel like someone needs to know that right here, right now.)  If that’s you, you need to know Jesus is SAFE.  I get that.  And He is!

I’ve experienced deep violations in my life. Maybe you have too.  The ones they write trauma recovery books about.  If that’s you, I pray you open your heart to the safety who is Jesus. Let Him into your life. I promise, sweet one, He is safe, true, loving and kind.  In fact, I just read this today. Perhaps, it’s for you.

The LORD is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made.─Psalm 145:9

Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous─how well I know it.─Psalm 139:14

God made you. He thinks you’re marvelous! And He has compassion for you.  He’s not looking at your situation through blind eyes. He knows you. He knows what hurts you. He knows what He has for you, and it’s so much greater than unforgiveness.  He knows it will be hard, but He’s not asking you to do anything He wasn’t willing to do Himself.

Jesus forgave many who betrayed Him, belittled Him, and took advantage of Him when all He wanted to do was make this world and the people in it better, good.

Yes, He’s God. But He was also fully man. I’m grateful for that truth, because it helps me to know He understands.  He understands, sweet one!

Forgiveness Frees Us from Tripping Over Pride’s Root

Unforgiveness has its roots in pride.  How’s that, you ask?

If I choose not to forgive, it’s as if I’m saying my problem is bigger than my God. It’s as if I’m saying my thoughts are higher than His thoughts.  It’s as if I’m saying I know more about what’s good for me than God does.  The problem, the violation wasn’t good, but where God desires to bring us is good.

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.─Psalm 18:19 NIV

Forgiveness is the spacious place God desires to bring us to.  It’s a peaceful place, one where we can breathe freely. Fully.

Does God have great grace for us on our journey toward forgiveness? You bet He does!  And when we need to travel that path again, He’ll walk with us. Sometimes, it’s not as simple as merely saying, “I forgive you.”  But it’s a good place to start.

Forgiveness is like a decadent wedding cake. There are many layers to it. God gets that, because He gets us. All He’s asking for us to do is bite into it. His promise is that we’ll taste His goodness when we do.

The thing that happened to us isn’t good, but God is.  His desire is to set captives free.  Forgiveness is a giant key that opens the door to our freedom.

Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before stumbling.─Proverbs 16:18 NASB

Pride trips us up with a knotted root of unforgiveness.

On the other hand, forgiveness elevates us.

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive any complaint you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.─Colossians 3:12-13 BSB

If you have accepted Christ into your heart, you ARE one of His elect, holy and beloved. Stop right there. You are holy. You are beloved.

From that position, clothe yourself with compassion and humility.

Forgive ANY complaint you have against one another.

Any.

(I know. I know. Sometimes, that’s hard. Don’t do it in your own strength. Do it in HIS.)

I’m forever taking the pressure off myself. There’s just too much in the world. A lot could weigh us down.  We can’t get to where God is taking us if we let that happen. Choose to seek Him as you take a bite out of unforgiveness.  Here’s a prayer to start:

Lord, You know my heart and You know every act committed against me. You also know the things I have done to hurt others. Thank You for Your gift of forgiveness to me, so that I don’t need to wear the weight of that burden. Help me, instead, Lord to put on your righteousness and holiness. Clothe me in Your love, compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. I can forgive if you help me to get there, Lord. Please bring me to that spacious place. Help me to bask in Your love and peace as I do so, Lord. In Jesus’ precious name, amen!

Forgiveness Frees Us to Receive God’s Abundance

When God knows He can trust us to forgive, He can trust us with more.

To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given, and they will have an abundance of knowledge. But for those who are not listening, even what little understanding they have will be taken away from them.─Matthew 13:12 NLT

Joseph comes to mind. He was deeply betrayed by his brothers. He was put in a well and left for dead, all because they were jealous and annoyed with their baby brother who had a God-given dream and needed some growing up to do as to how he shared it.  He suffered and was estranged from his family, even his brother Ben (because I like to imagine Joseph called him that versus Benjamin).  I drop syllables on people’s names whom I’m close to.  Jennifer becomes Jen. Samuel becomes Sam. So in my mind, Benjamin is Ben to Joseph.

Joseph also lost time with his father who deeply loved him.  He didn’t get to make the memories with his father that his other siblings did.

We’d understand if Joseph let a bitter root of unforgiveness take over like vines that cling to a brick façade.  The vines eventually tear down the structure by weakening it.

Have you ever seen a home unattended to? After awhile things deteriorate. Go back decades later and its almost unrecognizable. Overgrown and in disrepair, its former beauty and purpose hidden.

That’s what can happen to people once happy, who get wounded by other broken people when we choose not to live in the freedom of forgiveness.

Talk about clothing himself in kindness, Joseph did that!

He could have turned his brothers away when they needed food. Instead he used wisdom to test their heart. And he blessed them greatly.

Notice what I wrote above. Joseph tested their motives. Sometimes, people still aren’t safe for us. Forgive them and move on.

But sometimes it’s safe to let people stay (or to let them back in). Pray on this. Ask for God’s wisdom and discernment.  And if you’ve never read the story of Joseph, I encourage you to do so. If you have, maybe God is calling you to read it again. This time through the lens of forgiveness.

Joseph rose above circumstances and was given a position of honor and authority. Nothing could thwart God’s plan for Joseph’s life.  To fulfill His plan for Joseph, it did require his obedience.

Remember, when God knows He can trust us with a little, He’ll give us more.  I’m not saying it will be easy, but start with small acts toward forgiveness.

Practically, what does that look like?

First, ask God to fill you with His love. It’s only out of His overflow that we can sacrificially love. Not out of a place of lack, but of much love.

Second, you could go back up and pray the prayer if you didn’t earlier.

Third, you could ask God for His wisdom and discernment as to whom is safe for you and who is not.

Fourth, pray for the person, especially if he or she is still living. No one is beyond God’s reach. No one.

Fifth, remember, just because we’re supposed to forgive those who trespass against us doesn’t mean we give them full access to tramp upon our hearts. God will show you who and how much access to give.

Lastly, ask God if there is a tangible way you can demonstrate forgiveness.

Maybe there is an act of “releasing” that you can do, ceremonially, that releases that person or circumstance to God.  Like planting a flower (a bulb) that symbolizes forgiveness coming up from the darkness.  In the future, whenever you see the flower come up each spring, you’ll be reminded of the fresh renewal forgiveness brings.

Maybe it’s placing lights along your sidewalk as a reminder that God’s path is well lit and He’s leading you on a journey toward forgiveness. Every time you see the light, be reminded of Christ’s light and love for you as He leads you on the narrow path. But the path of forgiveness leads to goodness, peace, and truth. The one that leads you to Him.

For me I have another bite of wedding cake God is calling me to take. It’s an easier bite than those I took earlier. The lump in my throat from the pain of the situation made the first bites of forgiveness hard to swallow. That’s how it often is, but if we choose to chew the pain and let Christ help us, we’ll live vibrantly again. Fully. Wholly. Completely.

I don’t want to live a half-eaten life. I don’t only want the leftovers. I want a full plate of God’s goodness.  So I’ll chew, even when it’s hard.

The person I’m feeling called to bless didn’t directly hurt me, but a shared circumstance did (kind of – it’s complicated – it’s life, after all).   I’ve felt led to pray for this person, so I have. And now I am feeling led to bless the person, which I will do.  I’ve been praying about how God would want me to bless this person. He’s given me a few ideas, and we’re still working out the details.

He just kind of dropped the idea in my brain yesterday while I was out on a motorcycle ride.  (Because that’s one of the spacious places He brings me to where I find peace. The open road, the more winding the better.)

I cried a little underneath my helmet, not because I’m mad or upset anymore. I cried at God’s goodness. I knew I would never have been able to easily accept His idea to bless a person involved with a circumstance that had wounded me deeply if it hadn’t been for Him. They were kind of celebratory tears of sorts.  The deep pain had turned to a “small scar”.

What happened didn’t go away, but the excruciating pain had. In its place was God’s love and peace and the ability to bless.

If that’s not a spacious place, I don’t know what is.

Forgiveness Frees Us to Take Up Great Causes

There’s a song by Francesca Battistelli that keeps going through my brain. The lyric is this:

“It’s your life–what you gonna do? The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who your heart beats for
It’s an open door”2

Life is full of moments, some of them defining. Choosing to forgive is one of them. I know forgiveness is complicated and getting to that place isn’t always easy. Forgiveness has its roots in love. Our lives are better for it.  When we invest ourselves in the conscious choice to choose love, we win.

I want to win. Don’t you?

One of the ways we win is when we take our deepest tragedies and turn them into triumphs.

I think of the mom who lost her son in a terrible tragedy. MADD was started because a mom chose to do something worthy and worthwhile with her pain. She chose to invest in forgiveness and used that horrific event as a platform to make the world a better place.

I want that for us. I want each of us to have the courage to take some of the darkest moments of our lives and turn them into something beautiful with Christ’s help. That is my prayer for all who are reading this.

How that looks for you will be dramatically different than how it looks for me. We don’t need any copycats. We are all originals, made in God’s image, but with a specific plan and purpose.  I pray God shows you what that is and how to take the dark moments of your life and turn them into something beautiful.  Only He has the power to do that, to transform our thinking (and our theology). Forgive. Love. Live. Go on vacation from the enemy’s tricks and choose God’s way.

If you’ve ever been to Hawaii, you know how breathtaking it is. I’ve visited the island of Kawaii a few times. It’s nothing short of paradise. (And it always reminds me of Fantasy Island since the opening scene was shot there.)  You may already know this, but for those of you who don’t, the islands were formed from volcanic eruptions.  From something cataclysmic, beauty emerged.  When the lava cooled, it left something to build upon.

“Somewhere along the way, a lot of us misplaced our childlike imaginations and stopped believing we could either get around the lava or build something beautiful on top of it when it cooled. We began to question what was possible and what we’re actually capable of. We ran and fell, or tried and failed, or risked and lost.  … Don’t let what’s happened in your past stop you from moving forward with your future. Give it some time. We can find our way around the lava where it flowed and build something beautiful on it when it cools. … We don’t need to run from the lava anymore, but instead imagine what it might become in time.”1

Isn’t that beautiful?  I’ve been very touched by the book Love Lives Here.  If you’re looking for your next book, this is a good one!

There was a dream I had. It got scorched. I could relate to the lava metaphor. It was like I had something – a dream God had given me – and it was burned to the ground. All that was left were ashes and a broken heart.  The lava flowed and consumed it. It oozed and clung, ember red, everything up in flames. Then fear that hadn’t been there before set in. Fear interfered like an intruder. The scars limited my mobility. My imagination wasn’t able to stretch as far as it once had.

But rather than letting the lava scare me, I feel God calling me to rebuild upon the ashes. To let any little embers remaining spark something good and beautiful, something purposeful.

God is calling me to imagine again.

I wrote in my journal, “Lord, if I imagined, what? What then?”

As I did so, tears quickly slipped down my face. They poured. Not anything like lava. Like a rush.

“What then? I do not know. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. I don’t know even if I can. What, Lord? What then? What do You have to say about this? What does the still, small voice say?”

And do you know what? He “spoke”. He cast vision afresh.  He knows I’m afraid. I don’t want to get hurt again. I wasn’t afraid the first time, but sometimes the second time around makes our knees knock a bit.  (At least mine.)

It takes more courage to do something twice.

We know more. We know the cost.  We’re definitely counting it.

Without forgiveness, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. God helped me to forgive. He helped me to heal. And He’s helping me to rise up out of the ashes. There’s still some ash, but I see hibiscus rising up out of the ground. The colors are bright and their smell is sweet.

We’re back to where we started.

Life is full of moments, some of them defining. Choosing to forgive is one of them. I know forgiveness is complicated and getting to that place isn’t always easy. Forgiveness has its roots in love. Our lives are better for it.  When we invest ourselves in the conscious choice to choose love, we win.

Let’s pick up our feet and step over the tangled root of unforgiveness. God’s got places He wants to take us to.

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Signature Image: Tracy Stella

1 Goff, Maria. Love Lives Here: Finding What You Need In A World Telling You What You Want. Nashville, TN: B&H Publishing Group, 2017.

2 Battistelli, Francesca. “It’s Your Life,” track #4 on  My Paper Heart. Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group, CAPITOL CHRISTIAN MUSIC GROUP, 2008.

Categories // Faith, Forgiveness, Freedom, Tracy Stella's Perspective Tags // abundance, Betrayal, Calling, causes, choices, Colossians 3:12-13, Courage, Dream, forgiveness, Humility, It's Your Life, Joseph, Life Moments, Love, Love Lives Here, prayer, pride, Proverbs 16:18, Psalm 145:9, Psalm 18:19, tragedy, triumph

How Has God Brought Life and Liberty to You?

07.04.2017 by Tracy Stella //

If you’re an American, you’ve probably heard the expression “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Surrender.”

What’s that? That’s NOT what the Declaration of Independence says?

“Oh,” she says sheepishly. “That’s right. Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Yeah, yeah, that’s it! Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Well, this month at Facets of Faith we explore “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Surrender”─no disrespect to our nation’s founding fathers. Settle into a cozy chair, put up your pedicured toes (after all it is summer), and sip on some iced tea as you read about life, liberty and the pursuit of surrender.

I (Tracy) kick us off. Jennifer and Kim follow in the weeks ahead, so don’t miss their contribution to the conversation. Feel free to chime in yourself.  We’d love to hear your life, liberty and pursuit of surrender stories too!

Have you ever lay dream-filled eyes on something and thought, “Now that’s what I want for myself”? Most of us want life. Most of us want liberty. And most of us want happiness. But surrender? Forget about it!

What might me miss if we decide not to embrace surrender with a welcoming hug? What if we bristle like a cactus and back away from God? “Don’t touch me! Quit poking! That hurts!”

Let’s face it. Sometimes surrender does hurt. Sometimes surrender keeps poking and prodding as we feel like an ember as the fire glows orange. Surrender’s heat sanctifies. Surrender’s heat says, I’ve got a better way. Surrender’s heat says, Follow me into the fiery furnace.

Who wants to join me?

Now don’t everyone raise their hands at once!

What’s the problem when we don’t surrender? (Every time God asks us to)

We’re not going to find liberty. We’re not going to live as God intended, and that’s no way to live at all. Christ died so we could have abundant life. In light of His sacrifice, why wouldn’t we want to live our lives to the fullest, even if it requires surrender that sometimes pokes and prods a bit more than we wish?

Our selfish, sinful nature says, I want what I want. Whatever makes me happy? I’ll grab at that!

We may or may not recognize our behavior, but we all have a sin nature. Awareness is what helps us surrender it to God bit by bit. Some things God shows me as sin now, I would never have recognized as such years ago.

Subtly, slowly (but then again not) He sets me a little freer. Each decision of surrender moves me closer to whom God intended me to be all along. Pure. Holy. Righteous.

I’m already Beloved. You too! Those other bits? They’re the work God is moving toward as He paints His masterpiece in each of us. We’re His workmanship and we’re made in His image. That’s why, if we love Him, we’ve got to cooperate with His plan.

Cooperation requires surrender to His authority.

I don’t always understand God’s plan. That’s good. It grows my faith. It grows me. Growing pains aren’t just for teenage boys.

Sometimes the growth, and the pain in that growth, helps me to have humility─not something that comes naturally to most. Certainly not to me.  I, Me, My … not so humble.

And this is from a woman who wants to be, who loves Jesus, loves herself, and loves others albeit very imperfectly! But my “want to” isn’t broken. I want to do what God wants me to do. I want to be who God wants me to be. But oh brother can I not be sometimes!

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

God walked me through a situation where I didn’t meet someone’s expectations. It was devastating to my spirit. I’ve spent a lifetime of trying to do my best, to be my best and always put my best foot forward — perfectly. Everything in order. Everything just so. Best, best, best — must always do the best. Root deep, God keeps ripping away at it. Like a weed, He’s going to pull it all the way out. Ouch!

Why?

None of that matters! None of it! It doesn’t mean the people aren’t important. It doesn’t mean the project wasn’t important. It means I matter to God more than what He asked me to do.

What’s one thing I learned in my surrender moment?

I matter more to God than what He asks me to do. And He wanted to know if His approval mattered to me enough to outweigh others who didn’t see what I accomplished, didn’t see sacrifices made. Would His approval be enough? Would it be okay to my identity, my self-esteem if no one beside Him recognized one thing I did in that season?

I didn’t like it at first. I got mad.  I’m used to relying on my performance. It’s been an AWESOME coping mechanism.

coping mechanism

noun, Psychology.

1. an adaptation to environmental stress that is based on conscious or unconscious choice and that enhances control over behavior or gives psychological comfort.

Compare defense mechanism (def 2).1

The problem with coping mechanisms is it’s all about cover up. Cover Girl doesn’t have anything on this girl’s coping mechanisms God’s chipping away at.

Do you see the key word in the definition? Control! And a close runner up? Psychological comfort!

I had poured my heart and soul into this project, and no one noticed (or so it seemed). It’s as if God blinded their eyes from seeing what I know and those in my inner circle know. Beyond that? Blind as a bat. Would I be okay with that?

I opened the gift God intended.

Yes! Yes, I would be okay with that!

Others’ blindness to my performance gave me freedom. It stung at first, like when sweat drips down into your eyes from hard work. But then, God gave me new vision, He removed the salty tears that blurred and gave me perspective.

I surrendered to Him, audience of One whose eyes see all that I do, all that you do too. He doesn’t miss a thing.

He says, Good job! I see you. I love you! You are Mine. I know this was a hard lesson for you to learn, but isn’t it liberating? You’re not measured by what you do. I want more than that for you. You don’t have to try so hard. Rest in Me. Listen for My voice. Please Me. Don’t worry about the others. Perhaps when the time is right I will reveal to them. For now, you’ve learned a valuable lesson. I love you no matter what! And you will not always meet other people’s expectations no matter what you do, so stop trying so hard to do so. Just do what I ask you to do. No more. No less. No matter what, you are enough. Remember what I told you. You are good enough and sometimes good enough is good enough.

For a woman who has had a tight grip on performance as her security blanket, that sentiment feels foreign, yet liberating to my ears.

God set me a little more free. I stopped striving to earn other’s approval. And in turn I got me back, only a better version, a bit more sanctified. I got a little scorched by the flame. It hurt. But God made it all better in a way only He can. I do care what He thinks. And I’m growing to know I do make Him happy. It’s hard to imagine in my sinful, fallen state.

Coping mechanisms have a way of holding us hostage. God sets His captives free! I don’t have to be an overachiever to be appreciated. Praise Jesus!

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Surrender. Perhaps that’s the key to Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. The more I surrender, the happier I become.

What about you? How has God brought life and liberty as you pursue surrender?

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

 

1”Dictionary.com.” Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com n.d. Web. 29 June 2017. <http://www.dictionary.com/>

Categories // Faith, Freedom, Tracy Stella's Perspective Tags // Authority, Control, Coping Mechanism, Freedom, Good Enough, Happiness, Humility, Liberty, Perfectionism, Performance, Pursuit of Surrender, Surrender, Value, Value to God

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