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Who Am I, if I Am Not Me?

09.15.2020 by Megan Abbott //

Happy Tuesday! Oh friends it has felt like a whirlwind lately, but I am so happy to have landed here today. This month we are each taking a look into whether or not it is “safe to be really me.” If you are anything like me, it has taken most of my lifetime to feel comfortable really being myself around people, including friends.  I pray that as you read through the posts this month from each Facet, and our guest, that God will speak to you about the freedom that can be found in vulnerability and authenticity, even when it is scary.  Take a look back at Jen’s post last week, and keep looking out for Tracy’s post and the guest post later this month.

I pray that as you read through this there will never be felt a sense of judgement either for the choices younger me made, or choices you (and I) may be making now.  I pray that you see God’s grace in how He revealed the importance of vulnerability to me, and that He is somehow able to encourage you through this story as well.

It is Too Scary

I have spent a lot of my life fearing how I would be received by others.  If I spoke how I truly felt about a topic, or dressed how I wanted, or liked what I liked, how would I be received?  What if I was truly, wholly myself, all the good and the bad, and my friends just walked away?  Would I ever recover from the rejection?  I always want to believe I can get along with anyone, so part of me feels like rejection is one of the worst things that could ever happen.  

Through my teens and twenties this fear of rejection led me to metering my vulnerability.  I would open up to whatever level I thought would be safely received by the person on the other side.  With some friends, I would get into deep conversations about likes, dislikes, spiritual struggles, but not the really deep and messy things.  I matched other people’s levels of vulnerability, but only to a “safe” level.  Never the truly hard things to manage on my own – the struggles, the addictions, the hurts.  If I really opened up about everything going on in my mind, and heart, I just knew that I couldn’t be seen the same again.  There was no way I would be loved the same.  I would be too exposed.  The risk of being hurt was just too much.

Reinforcing the False

My friends loved me.  Well they loved what they knew of me, and my brain kept reinforcing the boundaries to my vulnerability: “that mess is too messy, stay where you are safe.”  I assumed I would be loved less if anyone really knew all of me.  Assumed… My heart mourns not trusting some of my closest friends to be who I knew them to be.  What if one of my friends could have loved me like God loves me?  What if they were able to show me the grace and compassion that He shows me?  A wall may have crumbled.  It may have been transformational.  

I think, kind of like everything else in life, vulnerability takes growing into.  The further I got into my 20s, the more people I met who were really comfortable in their skin.  They were more open with “flaws”, “successes”, and “failures”.  At some point in time, the Spirit in me realized I had to trust the Spirit in my friends.  Maybe not all of them to the same degree, but I had to start somewhere.  If I ever really wanted to be loved, I would have to stop labeling myself as unlovable.  I would like to say that I immediately ran to a friend and developed a lifelong, perfect, deeply honest friendship where we never struggled, that everyone loved everything about me, I never experienced rejection, and all was rainbows, but the reality is I chose a path closer to “okay, maybe someday.”

Who Am I?

I have this journal that I started sometime around 2013.  I had started opening up to a dear friend about some of my struggles to really feel like I could love myself, and believe I was lovable.  Not really because I wanted to be vulnerable, but she had modeled it well to me, and I was desperate to feel different.  I had spent so long allowing friends to love only the shell of me, that I believe only the shell of me was lovable.  All I wrote in this journal were scriptures that described me from God’s perspective.  Things like Isaiah 64:8:

But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.”

Psalm 139:13: 

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.”

Or Genesis 2:7:

Then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.”

There were so many.  Pages upon pages of intentionality, and truth.  I knew most of them already, but the neat thing about the living word is that each time you read it, the Spirit highlights something else for you.  There was something that happened when I read that scripture from Genesis this time.  God breathed life into me.  I could picture the breath going into my lungs, filling every crevice, flowing through my bloodstream.  Nothing was untouched.  Nothing was outside of His touch.

So what does this have to do with being really me?  Learning to love myself, was integrally tied to allowing myself to be loved by others, and allowing myself to be loved by others was impossible without being willing to risk vulnerability.  Every time I assumed someone would respond poorly, I was reinforcing in myself the lie that part of me was broken.  It was like I believed there was a part of me that was untouchable by God’s grace.  

Who Am I if I’m not Me?  

This is the question I feel like the Spirit presses into me anytime I am struggling with vulnerability.  “Who am I if I am not me?”  God created me.  He saw fit for there to be a “me”.  If I am being anyone but me, then I am really trying to fit a mold God never intended for me to fit inside.  I am assuming I know what those around me need more than He does.  I am not Tracy, or Jen.  I am Megan. The more I am willing to accept who God created me to be, the more satisfied I am with who I am.  There has been so much freedom for me in this.   

I don’t want to downplay the fear I had as I learned to open up to my dearest friends, the pain I have felt when I have been misunderstood or rejected, or the fear I still feel having just moved to a new city knowing I have a lot of “getting to know you” days ahead of me.  That fear is real.  The pain of rejection is real.  But so is the loneliness and pain of never really being known or loved for who you are.  

If this is something you are still struggling with, I pray that the Spirit will reveal itself to you in those around you, and that the Spirit in you will find the Spirit in them, and realize there is safety in that moment to try out being really you.  If you are on the other side, and you are feeling somewhat comfortable in your skin, or maybe just a little brave, I pray that you will be the one to create safe space, dismantle the fear, and model vulnerability for your friends.

Signature: Megan Abbott

Categories // Megan Abbott's Perspective, Safe to be Really Me? Tags // fear, Friendship, Identity, Isaiah 64:8, Psalm 139:13, Vulnerability

Let’s Be Real: I Gotta Be Me!

09.10.2020 by Jennifer Howe //

Hello friend, welcome to FACETS of Faith! We’re so glad you popped in to see what’s happening this month. As usual, the team kicks around the deeper, more personal thoughts from several perspectives. Have you ever wondered if it’s safe to be really you in your relationships or the people in your world? Yeah, we sometimes wonder the same thing! This week, I gotta be me. Come back for thoughts from Tracy, Megan, and our special guest.

Is it safe to be really me? (Jennifer J Howe)

It’s time I (Jennifer) let you in on a little secret: I’ve got skillz, with a Z. In 2015 I knew it, and the other Facets knew it, too. My top writerly skill just might be—writing myself out of a piece. I tried leaning in years ago, and I’m still trying. So, this is me being honest and vulnerable; you are free to embrace it, engage, or make a quick exit stage left. FACETS was intended to be a safe space for each of us to be unique and genuine! If I’m going to be really me, I hope you’ll be authentically you.

The most excruciating thing to happen to me was that a best friend moved away. Black, mascara-tainted tears ran down my face. I “ugly-cried” for hours. I couldn’t imagine life without her. I was pretty sure I’d die. (It was junior high, after all.)

Relationship is Connection

Once upon a time I was fine with chit-chat involving the weather; a few happy, sound-bite quips; and a slow, casual swim in the relational shallow end. I wasn’t the only one. Everybody was doing it! Until they weren’t.

If you and I chatted over coffee long enough, the casual conversation would eventually turn and take a dive below the surface, but that’s new. I don’t think I “settle” in relationships anymore.

Each woman I know is unique, and our point of connection is, too. One friend was willing to be my first Christian friend, and she shared her time, wisdom, and her home. Another friend shared her story, and it changed my life. One woman was so generous with her time, we talked almost daily for years. One relationship taught me about relationship, and I’m so grateful!

These women set a high bar for relational connection, vulnerability, and personal integrity. I want to be like them when I grow up. Each one was a safe place for me to land; I hope to be a safe place for others.

Connection Without a Safety Net

Vulnerability is risky. A safety net just seems smart and feels good. The highlight reel is the net because it matches the social media story. Life is easy when the story and the persona remain consistent and shallow.

It gets complicated when Mount Laundrymore erupts in relationships. I believed no one needed my dirty laundry lava—the trauma I lived through, the horrible choices in my twenties, the fights with family members, the swear words I dropped as word weapons when I lost control, my personal and professional failures, the words I bled all over the keyboard that were never read, the meltdown I had in the church lobby over the weekend…

Am I the Real Deal?

It’s all true up there, but those stories aren’t for everyone. And my whole life isn’t just “dirty laundry” either. Who I genuinely am shouldn’t be locked away in a secret place, but isn’t for every human I meet. I think of relationships as dots plotted on a target with a bullseye in the center. Acquaintances are placed in the outer rings, friends and family land in the smaller rings, and then there’s the inner circle.

Truth is, authenticity and integrity beg for the same Jen to connect with everyone at all the levels, but I think long and hard about who I’ll share deeply, genuinely, and generously with. Not everyone should know all of me, but a select few should know the good, bad, and ugly of me.

BFFs?

Is “best friends forever” a thing? My junior high and high school yearbooks say so. Only a handful of friendships have continued to this stage of life, and I’m not sure we’d say we’re BFFs.

I look at friendship differently than I did. Deep, genuine connection is the most important thing now, and that’s becoming rare these days. My closest friends share something special. A forever friend shares a relationship built on something that really does last forever. Frankly, that’s a relationship rooted in Jesus. (I told you I was going to be authentically me.)

Rhyme, Reason, or for a Season?

I can and do have a variety of relationships. Goodness, my friends share common activities, interests, professional skills, hobbies, and even friends! I have very few lifetime friends; those are probably called sisters. I have many friends I realized I needed in my life for a reason. And there are just too many heading off into the distance these days. I think I’ve decided I hate the idea of connection “for a season.”

Disconnection

My friends are sometimes only two-thirds of three dimensions. Little screen faces are hard for me to connect with, to feel safe with. I don’t know why, really. There’s a disconnect.

Harder still, close friends are leaving me! Ladies I’ve laughed, cried, and done sweet ministry with are moving away. A coffee date, an awkward text, or a social media share drops the bomb. It really doesn’t matter how I find out, it’s painful. If the connection feels close, but the reveal is impersonal, it’s excruciating.

People move. It’s what we do. Few people stay in the same place their whole lives. Fewer remain at the same church. What are the chances we’ll stay deeply-connected friends?

Connection is a Choice

Technology is in our favor, they say. It can be like a move never happened, they say. I’m not totally convinced. BUT you and I can choose to leverage all the ways to connect, and we can do it well. Everyone needs love, encouragement, and support, and we can use technology in ten different ways to offer those things. We can also schedule a lunch date, go for a walk, or meet for coffee. The common thread? One person talks to another person, and the conversation leads to relational connection that works for those two people.

It’s a choice to ask, and a choice to accept. It’s a choice to be authentic, genuine, and generous. Am I willing to be vulnerable, pick up the phone, open my laptop, or walk over to my good friend’s (masked) face and say, “Hey! I’ve got time. We need to connect—deeply and for real!”

Thanks for dropping by and hanging with me. Are you wrestling with connection in a social-distanced, fractured world? How are you managing? I’d love to read your thoughts below.

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Signature: Jennifer Howe

Categories // Friendship, Jennifer Howe's Perspective, Safe to be Really Me? Tags // authentic friendship, Be real, connection, Disconnection, Facets of Faith, Friendship, Vulnerability

The Gift of Friendship

08.25.2020 by Kelli Worrall //

The Facets of Faith team is excited to share two of our lovely friends with you. That’s right, two writers this guest post rather than one.  We thought, “What fun would it be for two dear friends to collaborate on a piece about friendship?”  We knew just who to ask, Gloria Cooley and Kelli Worrall are fabulous friends who share a common bond – first Jesus, then life experiences, and time invested in each other.  We can learn a lot from others’ friendships. Keep reading for their fun real-life story of friendship on mission and orchestrated by God. We love them, and we know you will too!

Hey, Thelma! Who's Your Louise? (Guest)

I met Gloria in the fall of 2012 when our kids were in preschool together—and we initially bonded over the subject of adoption. My husband Peter and I had recently returned from China with our daughter Amelia, and Gloria and her husband Daniel were completing the paperwork for their own Chinese adoption.

Since then our friendship has expanded and deepened. We’ve been friends for eight years, but it seems much longer. In a good way! Maybe it’s because we’ve been through some big things together in those eight years. Maybe it’s because Gloria is one of those people with whom I was very quickly able to talk about anything—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Maybe it’s because Gloria is one of the most faithful friends you could ever want to have.

We’ve been in small groups and writing groups together, enjoyed many meals together—she’s been there when my cooking has turned out well and when it’s been a flop. We have celebrated birthdays and holidays and milestones.

But one of my favorite Gloria memories so far has to be Spring Break 2014.

You may remember the winter of 2013-14. Or perhaps you’ve blocked it from your memory. It was one of the top four worst winters in the Chicago area. Sixty-seven inches of snow. The third-coldest winter on record. 26 days of below 0 temps. The Polar Vortex brought bitter cold temps way into March.

Near the end of March—at the beginning of Spring Break week—Gloria and I met with our kids at the Jump Zone, and the Jump Zone was crazy! Our kids were climbing the walls—literally—while she and I stood in the midst of the chaos, just staring at each other—still cold to the bone. While the kids were burning off steam, the Jump Zone wasn’t doing anything for our stir-craziness.

Eventually, Gloria looked at me wistfully and said, “I’ve been dreaming about sticking Eleanor in the car and driving to my in-law’s lake house in Texas.”

I looked wistfully back at her and replied, “That’s funny because I’ve been dreaming of sticking my kids in the car and driving down to see my family in Tennessee.”

We both chuckled for a moment.

Then we looked back at each other through squinty, quizzical, “are you thinking what I’m thinking” eyes. I don’t remember which one of us first voiced the question: “Why don’t we do it?”

We rolled the idea over in our minds for only a minute or two before we called our husbands, expecting them to talk us out of it. However, they didn’t. I think they were secretly thrilled to see us go.

As soon as we hung up our phones, we started making plans. We would take our kids home, feed them lunch, pack our bags, and leave early the next morning.

So I took my kids home. I fed them lunch, and I started making a packing list—all the time thinking, “This is crazy.”

Suddenly, my phone rang, and it was Gloria. I answered the phone and didn’t even say, “Hello.” I just asked the obvious, “Are you having second thoughts?”

“Yes,” she said. But then she continued: “But not about going. I’m just not sure we should wait until tomorrow. I think we should leave now! That way we can drive through the night. The kids will sleep in the car, and we’ll be there by morning.”

I didn’t miss a beat. “Ok!” I said.

Then I ran around the house, shoving clothing and kid paraphernalia in bags. Within an hour and a half, Gloria pulled into my icy driveway. We shifted all of her luggage into my vehicle, and in no time at all we were on the road.

My husband jokingly called us “Thelma and Louise”—those famous friends. Thankfully, our trip bore little resemblance to theirs—other than it was a wonderful opportunity to bond and deepen our friendship.

A couple of years after our crazy trip, Gloria and I shared this story at a women’s Christmas tea. It served as the introduction to a message we gave about another friendship—of some far more famous women, who bonded over the most extreme adventure one could imagine. These two women were Mary, mother of Jesus, and her cousin/friend Elizabeth.

Elizabeth only appears in one chapter of the Bible, yet despite her brief mention in Scripture, she plays quite an influential role. We don’t know a lot about her—only that she was quite a bit older than Mary, and she had married well. Her husband was a priest. Yet despite these desirable qualities, Elizabeth bore a scarlet letter. She was barren.

Then one day something miraculous happened.

An angel appeared to her husband Zacharias while he was in the temple. “Do not be afraid,” the angel said. “Your petition has been heard and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you will give him the name John.” This child would make ready the way for the Lord

            Zacharias questioned the angel’s message, and the angel told him that because of his disbelief he would be unable to speak until the child was born. And immediately, Zacharias became mute. He returned home to Elizabeth, and soon she became pregnant.

But Elizabeth was not to walk alone in her pregnancy.

God would soon provide another gift for her.

The gift of a friend.

Mary was different from Elizabeth in many ways. She was young, unmarried, but engaged. She was a virgin from Nazareth—a modest, agrarian society.

Just months after the angel appeared to Zacharias, God sent Gabriel to Mary in Nazareth. As far as we know, she was alone when the angel appears. Certainly, she was startled and afraid. But Gabriel began with a blessing and a declaration of God’s grace.

Then he delivered his astonishing news. “Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name Him Jesus.”

But this wouldn’t be just any baby. The angel continued, “He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David; and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and His kingdom will have no end.”

This proposition didn’t make logical sense, so Mary asked, “How can this be since I have never known a man?”

“The Holy Spirit will come upon you,” the angel said. “And this baby will be the Son of God.”

Then Gabriel offered Mary a bit of evidence, some more miraculous news. Mary’s relative Elizabeth—old and barren—was pregnant as well. Six months along.

“For nothing,” the angel concluded, “Nothing is impossible with God.”

How did Mary respond? With complete conviction and commitment, she said, “I am a bondslave of the Lord. May it be to me as you have said.”

Mary’s first order of business after the angel leaves was to plan a trip to the hill country of Judea, outside of Jerusalem. It was a three-day journey of some 80 or more miles—not an easy journey for a young girl.

But Mary had to find Elizabeth. She wanted to see with her own eyes the sign of which the angel spoke.

As soon as Elizabeth saw Mary’s face, the baby in her own womb leapt for joy! Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit and in a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear!….Why am I so favored that the mother of my Lord should come to me? Blessed is she who has believed what the Lord has said.”

This meeting of two mothers was one of utmost joy. Both women wondered at their privilege and the favor they had found with God. Both women were ready and willing to be used by Him.

Obviously, the narrative in Luke chapter 1 is one of the most important passages in all of Scripture as the imminent virgin birth of our Lord was announced.

But as we look at these two women—whose lives converged around this most important point in history—we also see some beautiful things happening between them. We see an example of what a friendship centered around Jesus can do.

  • First, God used their friendship to confirm what He was doing in each of their lives.
  • Second, Elizabeth accepted Mary when others probably shunned her and could not understand.
  • Third, Mary and Elizabeth rejoiced together in what God was doing and pointed each other to Him.

The level of joy in Luke 1:39-46 is beyond compare. There is no competition between Mary and Elizabeth. No “my son is going to be greater than your son.” No “why didn’t God give me your life?” There is just joy and awe and gratitude.

They each expressed humility at having been chosen by God for such a role.

And they praised God together for who He is, for what He has done, and what He will do.

Our prayer for each of you is you find and foster such friendships in your own life, that God’s sovereign hand would lead you to godly friendships full of laughter, love and blessing. In Jesus’ name, amen!

We’d love it if you joined the conversation.  What are your thoughts on friendship? Post your thoughts on the Facets of Faith Facebook page.

 

Categories // Friendship, Guest Perspectives, Thelma! Who's Your Louise? Tags // Adoption, Adventure, Friendship, Luke 1, Luke 1:39-46, Mary and Elizabeth, Road trip

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