Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

Who Do You Love? Me, Myself, and Mine?

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Hello, friends! Welcome back to FACETS this week. I (Jennifer) hope you enjoy following along with February’s topic: Who Do You Love? It’s been a bittersweet journey for me, as you’ll see, but don’t miss Tracy’s thoughts here or Kim’s next week. This promises to be a thought-provoking topic, but share your thoughts on that, and we’ll know for sure.

I have a confession. I asked myself, “Who do you love, Jen?” The answer wasn’t pretty. An honest response to that question required examination of my words, emotions, efforts, time, and talent. The soul-searching led me down a road I wasn’t sure I wanted to take, but it was worth every step. Take a peek. You might find your own brand of “brave” to take a few steps.

For people will be lovers of self… 2 Timothy 3:2a

Once upon a time I perceived my life and heart all wrong. I’m a wife, mom, teacher, friend, daughter, sister, and aunt. (Those are the roles I think of in a few seconds.) In a sense we’re defined by our relationships, aren’t we? Each relationship has its unique inner workings, expectations, and give and take. When I looked at my close relationships, I saw the “give and take” in each one, but zeroed in on the big, ol’ GIVE for some reason. I was ashamed when I realized why.

Sadly, I mistook something ugly for selflessness and sacrifice. Sacrificial love and giving in relationship has a grotesque caricature, and it looks like my own face, but green with envy, a pouty lip nearly hiding my chin, with a “martyr complex-ion.” Know what I mean? *Sigh* Who wants to own that truth? No one I know.

The first steps on this road were difficult. The truth can hurt.

How do I know I loved myself? Others weren’t excluded from my thoughts by any means. It was in those relationships that I saw the self-love playing out. My words could be focused on me, my life, and my needs. My emotions could be bigger than they should when I was on the wrong side of a conversation or situation. My efforts could be laser-focused on my interests, projects, or in my defense. My time could be used to serve my own needs, and self-care could be the thing I fought for daily. Sadly, my talents seemed to be working as a conduit for personal goals.

I notice that when I am hyper-focused on me and my life, I’m left to evaluate all of it by others’ lives. It’s ridiculously easy to fall in love with the best of what I see and hope to have. Beautiful inspiration starts as “Someday I’ll…” but translates to “I want it now-w-w-w-w-w!” Envy and selfishness distort everything, except motive and means.

I don’t think selfishness was in everything when I looked closely, but my face was at risk. I could take on the envy and selfishness, that ugly caricature, like Dorian Gray. My heart and mind could become more and more preoccupied with me. Or I could choose something else…

It didn’t take long to find what God says about the problem I might face everyday.

For where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil. James 3:16

I see two challenges for me there. The first is in placing myself at the top of my priorities list. The second is using others as a measuring stick for life. There’s a breeding ground for “every kind of evil.” If I love me first, I have to assume that I “hate” others in comparison. (That includes God and everybody, really.) Ouch! I can speak from experience. Envy and selfishness do nothing for relationships; they ruin everything faster than you can say, “Me, myself, and mine!”

Then I landed on something I couldn’t ignore. Galatians 5 contained a long list of “works of the flesh” which were “obvious” (vv. 19-21). You only get one guess. What do you think was included in that list? Yup, envy and selfishness.

Two things I want to remember about that passage:

• “Works of the flesh” are the things (efforts) dead set against God.
• People who indulge in the list “will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

Does that mean if I know Jesus and His peace, I can be disqualified from the promise of love made at the cross? No, the covenant promise isn’t fragile or fickle. If I intend to continue to indulge life patterns described by that list, there is something insidious at work. Ultimately, I love me, my survival, and my preferences more than I love the One who died to free me from my life of sin.

And that’s when I heard my own voice in my head: Now, there’s you’re problem!

I dropped the next question on the doorstep of the One who could handle it: God, I can be so selfish! What am I gonna do?

If you read my post last month (on God’s promises), you know who we can count on: Jesus and Holy Spirit. The deepest part of my soul found comfort in the verses that followed the “list.”

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, we must also follow the Spirit. We must not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. Galatians 5:22-26

Do you see what I see there? An antidote to envy and selfishness leaps off the page. I see love and various displays of love following. In my mind, there is love, and the rest follows. (Some translations punctuate that way.) Because Jesus sacrificed so much to be in relationship with me, I live lovingly toward others out of His love for me. And I do that because I can? No, I do it because the Holy Spirit is in me to make it possible. I say “Yes!” to Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and I say “No!” to envy and selfishness.

That’s the “intellectual ground” covered, but that is not how faith works. Faith knows God’s way, aware it’s impossible to do alone, and takes steps with Him. For me, that looks a like praying for new desires more like His and the strength to choose them. And it looks like seeing other people and loving them well. (I struggle in my busyness or obliviousness every day.) Sure, I’ll take care of my own self appropriately, but I hope to stop placing myself higher in the priority list than I ought.

It’s going to be a bit of a fight. As I said, I can be selfish.

Do you share this struggle? Where might you begin your journey toward selflessness? If you walk the road I’ve traveled—I won’t lie—it might be hard, but you may find beauty in the destination, too.

Signature, Jennifer Howe

 

 

 

 

 

How Do You Love Your Friend When It’s Hard?

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This month we welcome guest contributor Juli Chaffee to FACETS of Faith. Juli is a wife, mom, and friend who understands the importance of strong and healthy relationships. She owns Crossroads Counseling Center, where she seeks God’s wisdom as she guides her clients on their healing journey. Sit back and enjoy Juli’s insights on how to love a friend when it’s hard.

Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane. He said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him. He began to be sad and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is very sad. I feel close to death. Stay here. Keep watch with me.”  He went a little farther. Then he fell with his face to the ground. He prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering away from me. But let what you want be done, not what I want.”  Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter.  “Watch and pray. Then you won’t fall into sin when you are tempted. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”  Jesus went away a second time. He prayed, “My Father, is it possible for this cup to be taken away? But if I must drink it, may what you want be done.”  Then he came back. Again he found them sleeping. They couldn’t keep their eyes open.  So he left them and went away once more. For the third time he prayed the same thing.  Then he returned to the disciples. He said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look! The hour has come. The Son of Man is about to be handed over to sinners.”  Matt 26:36-45 NIRV

The story above is a powerful example of the crossroads of hardship, friendship and the choices made at that intersection. Jesus Himself wanted his friends close in hardship. He chose his tribe of twelve to be with him at his darkest hour for support and comfort.  How is it possible that our sister-tribe would be any different?  Who do you want by your side in pain, fear, exhaustion and sorrow? Who do you wish to be when confronted with loving of a friend when her life falls apart?  Here is what I struggle with….

How do I love my friend when she has hardship in her life?

How do I love my friend when I’m in a place of hardship?

How do I love my friend when she is hard to love?

Our existence on this earth is riddled with loss, suffering and trauma.  Jesus even told us “Hey- you know this life will be hard, right? Don’t worry though, I am here. You won’t be alone.” John 16:33 (my very loose interpretation).

Scripture tells story after story, real women’s lives, depicting evidence of this pain. Curl up with  Ruth, Bathsheba or Sarah-  and read their stories of hardship. Take Bathsheba for instance.  She was married and, by all accounts, living her life happily and according to plan.  One night the powerful King David sees her bathing on the roof. He desires to have her and commands her to spend the night with him. This sets off a chain of events that turns her life into a nightmare. She becomes pregnant with his child.  King David murders her husband so no one will find out about the affair. He then brings Bathsheba into his home as his wife. Tragically her infant son dies – all due to King David’s sin. Can you imagine?  Her life turned horribly upside down in less than a year!  She lost her husband, her home, her baby, her family and friends. She must have felt shame, grief, anger and loneliness. Her hardships would be overwhelming for anyone to share, but I assure you she needed a friend to be there with her and for her.

The Bible offers several commentaries on friendship. Most seem to have a similar vibe. A good friend is important.  She will love you and be there for you when you need her.

Proverbs 17:17 says it well: “A friend loves at all times. They are there to help when trouble comes.”  It seems easy, clean cut and “do-able” when you read it, right? But what happens when that friend is too exhausted by her own journey to help you?   Or your friend is too incapacitated by anxiety, depression or addiction for her to love you well… or love you at all?  What if you are feeling overwhelmed by your friend’s pain and have no idea how to love her, let alone know what to say or do to help her? What if YOU are the friend who is overwhelmed?

One of the refrains I hear most from women who are struggling with difficult circumstances is they feel alone.  When they most need a friend at their side, that space is empty and achingly  quiet.  As the friend, I wonder if you feel insecure and incapable to meet your loved one in her pain.  Maybe it’s too hard to sit with her when her situation stirs up fear for your own sense of security and peace.

Let’s re-visit that story about Jesus in the garden. He was depressed, struggling, longing for comfort.  Do you see what he wanted from his friends?  He wanted them to be with him and to be awake.

“Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” I hear his sadness and hurt, probably something you have felt yourself at one point.

Back to our question: How do you love your friend when it’s hard?  It’s simple, but not always easy.  Show up.

Guess what? It’s ok if you don’t have all the answers – your friend isn’t looking to you for magic words to eliminate her situation.  It’s ok if you don’t know exactly what to do – your friend doesn’t expect you to remove her mountain.  It’s ok if you are scared, sad and worried yourself.

Together you and your friend can share the pain. You can remind her she isn’t alone, forgotten or rejected. You can share her journey and be a witness to her story.   When it’s scary and messy; when your friend is hurting;  when you don’t know what to say;  just show up.    It’s enough.

Loving When Life is Hard—and Loving Well

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This month at FACETS we’ve got a great question. Tracy’s post last week was a gem. Take a peek if you haven’t! And remember to come back next week to read Kim’s post.

How do I love a friend when it’s hard? When life is hard?

As I (Jennifer) think about this question, I recognize that I’ve been that friend. In one really hard season I sat smack-dab in the middle of terribly difficult circumstances. Not one but several areas of my reasonably calm, settled life were hit hard. My apple cart wasn’t just upset, it was blown to smithereens. That was an emotional time. As I looked at the “apple sauce mess” that was my life, I wondered if somebody had been given permission to put a bullseye on me, my family and friends, and my apple cart. I was a mess. Over a fairly long period of time I navigated others’ pain and my own. Circumstances seemed out of control.

Those who know me best know that injustice upsets me deeply. Family and friends are precious to me, and I can’t bear to see unfair accusations or unkind treatment doled out. That was happening to several people close to me at the time. Then my husband went through a work transition that proceeded more slowly than I’d hoped. I began to crumble under the pressure. Then the emotions took over. (Have you or someone close to you experienced this?)

There I sat, for months, in a rancid puddle of emotions. I wanted my friends to be treated better. I wanted my circumstances to be better. I wanted my family to return to a better normal. I tried to manage everything on my own—tried to put on a pleasant face each day—but I was failing miserably. The sadness and anger was piling up.

Thankfully, friends were willing to come to my little puddle and sit with me in it.

That’s how you love a friend when it’s hard! Be with them.

Life is hard, and all of us will sit through a course or two at the School of Hard Knocks. The best way to love someone through that is to be with them when you can, but that’s not always possible. I felt loved when someone gently pressed in. One intentionally walked across a room to talk. My phone rang regularly. Encouraging voicemails were left if I didn’t pick up. E-mails made me smile. Text messages reminded me that friends and family were thinking of me. Many days my friends took a minute out of their busy schedule to check in—and I was so grateful!

There are lots of ways to love a friend when it’s hard.

If you have a friend struggling like me in my season, you know the angry, resentful, or super-sad emotional place anyone can land in during tough times. You might also know how hard it is to keep your own equilibrium when someone close to you is having a hard time. Can I tell you something? Your listening ear or the ear of a skilled professional can make all the difference. It takes time to listen well. It can be difficult to maintain quiet attentiveness and stifle the urge to find solutions, so I recommend praying silently for wisdom while your friend shares. Ask about their personal thoughts and feelings. You’ll know the conversation is on the right track when “I” and “me” statements are steady.

Remember—when someone is emotional the words may not be filtered and may not line up with truth. I can look back on my difficult season and more accurately assess the vulnerable moments (everything from ugly cry sessions to angry rants). The weakness I felt led to my meltdown, and the response was natural. From the other side of it I can see how most things were either a necessary part of a larger plan or something that was eventually used for good. Still, it wasn’t “good” at the time—and it was ridiculously hard! Now I can honestly say I wish I’d made some different decisions. There are specific moments I wish I’d chosen trust over fear, love over anger, and repentance over defensiveness. In the best moments, with a gentle reminder and beautiful encouragement, I chose well. I’m thankful that happened.

Friend, if you’re in the position to sit with someone in their hard season, do this: pray for their strength and resolve to choose well. In the right time and tone, the gentle reminder that every story has a beginning, middle, and end can be precious. We don’t know exactly where we are in our own storyline, but we can be sure that none of it is unknown or unimportant to the Lover of our souls. Jesus is there in every moment, whether we are aware or not, and He will always be with us every step. He will help the one going through hard times and grant wisdom and grace to the one wanting to help.

I thought I’d place some thoughts here for you. I hope they are helpful.

He hemmed me in, ganged up on me, poured on the trouble and hard times. Lamentations 3:5 MSG
The book of Lamentations is an example of an emotional outcry.

Then they sat on the ground with him seven days and nights, but no one spoke a word to him because they saw that his suffering was very intense. Job 2:13 CSB
The book of Job is an example of extreme hardship but maybe not the best example of counsel in the end.

Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Can affliction or anguish or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? Romans 8:35 CSB

I love that our Father has been careful to speak to the hard stuff in life. There are hundreds of verses the Bible, too many to include, because it’s the story of life in a broken world. And life in a broken world can be excruciating. I’m thankful Jesus came. I’m thankful I have friends who know how to be like Jesus when they sit with me in hard times. Then I’m thankful to have the opportunity to sit with someone else in their hard season the way someone sat with me.

Thanks for reading along! I hope these thoughts inspire you. Maybe you need to let someone in to help you in your difficult season. Maybe you need to be with someone in theirs. Love well!

 

Signature, Jennifer Howe