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How Do We Grow in Intimacy?

07.02.2019 by Tracy Stella //

Welcome to FACETS of Faith, sweet friends!  Whether you are a new friend, or someone who has been with us on this journey for quite some time, I (Tracy) pray God meets you right where you are. It’s not by mistake God has brought you to these pages. I pray you feel God’s loving, warm embrace upon you as your eyes and heart absorb what He has for you.

Depending on your perspective, this topic might stir a host of emotion. You could be enthusiastic about the idea of intimacy.

If you’ve had tragedy in this area, you could be terrified at the mere mention of the word.  Please don’t check out if that’s you.  Hang in there. Let’s see what healing and restoration God desires to bring to your life. You are BRAVE, sweet one!

Perhaps you’re somewhere in the middle, a little indifferent to the thought of intimacy.  Maybe you’re unaware there’s a snag in beliefs you have long held as truth.  Maybe what you’ve believed for a lifetime isn’t what you once thought when you turn beliefs over and see what lies beneath.

How do we grow in intimacy? (Tracy Stella)Intimacy can be beautiful. Pure, sweet, love extended to our marital partner. The counterfeit, worldly version can leave us wanting more. Because there is more when we’re rooted and grounded in Christ’s love.

Truth be told, as we tossed out the idea of writing on this topic, some of the FACETS team was more than a little apprehensive. So, if that’s how you are feeling, know that you are not alone.  There’s comfort in that thought, right?

For me personally, I embrace the idea of intimacy when it means intellectual connection, when it means experience of fun things together, but sexual intimacy stirs up a whole pot of feelings that, in some regard, my initial internal response is to run.

Life experience used to tell me men wanted one thing and my job was to give it to them.  I deeply desired someone to love me, but struggled with the idea I was even worthy of love.  The more years under my belt, the more deeply engrained those lies became. I grew to believe I was only as valuable as how I made the other person feel.   And because I allowed my misguided attempts at love to guide my decisions, sadly, it was a self-fulfilling prophesy.  Very often I attracted the wrong type of man, the one who only wanted to use me for what I could give him and then move on.

Not everyone in my life fell into that category, but many did.

This internal belief only served to create a deeper root of insecurity. I put a lot of pressure on myself to look a certain way, to do certain things – performance more than genuine, intimate connection.

If someone could have looked inside my heart, they would have seen a grieving young girl that grew into a grieving, love-starved woman.  As years progressed, I became more and more broken.  I became what I thought I was worth.

If we don’t value ourselves. No one else will either.

I also possessed a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors.  It all came down to me feeling not good enough, so I’d engage in behaviors that were sure to prove my theory true.

At some point anger set in as well.  I was mad about how I’d been treated, about the things certain people said or did. There were deep scars that served to scream at me. Unworthy! Unlovable! Not enough!

I was raped at a party and disassociated from the memory for a long time, even though I had attempted suicide because of that incident.  There’s a cumulative effect of life’s trials. All the layers of mine had added up to despair.  I was in a relationship with a “good guy”, but after the rape incident, my body and my mind couldn’t carry the weight of it all.

I sabotaged the relationship, because of the depths of depression I was sinking in.  It was suffocating, and I wouldn’t have been able to even tell you why.  Only my journals revealed the truth. Years later, when I read the words I’d written long before my eyes could handle reading them, I sighed a sigh of relief. Somehow, things began to make sense.  Not crazy. Deeply wounded and in need of God’s loving, healing hands that never hurt. His embrace always sweet. Pure. Innocent. Love.  Good intentions from the day He created you and me in our mother’s wombs.

Another journal from 3rd grade revealed inappropriate adult attention from a neighbor.  I wasn’t sure if my mind was making it up and reading too much into the words I saw in my “little girl” journal. I was able to verify through someone else who also spent a lot of time with this individual that he had done inappropriate things to us both.  As sad as that made me feel for the little girl who used to be me, I was grateful for the puzzle piece to my story.

When we’re ready for the details, they can bring clarity and relief.  These insights can’t be rushed or provoked. I believe it’s all in God’s good timing. He shows up as truth mixed with love when we have the capacity to see it, to process it without being undone because of it.

As part of my story, I had an abortion. The unknown trauma that decision caused me came to light a number of years ago (and decades after my decision) when God brought me through a healing journey. I received His forgiveness and was given the opportunity to grieve the loss of my child. I’m glad eternity is long. Time will give us the chance to get to know one another while worshipping Jesus together.

God is merciful to forgive repentant hearts from things we may think are beyond His reach.  Even more beautiful? His grace takes our worst sin and works it together for our good.  Sharing about my bad decision has helped others to make a good one. Each child’s life saved because sharing of story is a picture of God’s grace. It’s LAVISH, my friends!

Sex used to be my misguided attempt to give and receive love. I really had no concept of what genuine, sacrificial, Christ-shaped love looked like. I thought if I used my body to appeal to men they would love me.  Instead, I was so often left feeling unloved and rejected (even if the relationship were longer). I came to believe my worth and value to a man was calculated by how I made him feel.

This and probably a scroll’s worth of sin I brought into my marriage.

My life has shaped me, but it doesn’t define me.  Christ does!  For you too. Nothing you have done, nothing that has been done to you, is beyond His redemption.

His blood covers my sin and shame. In fact, He blows those things to smithereens. It’s one of the reasons I’m genuinely grateful to God for what He has done in my life.  His grace is the only reason I can write about my past without feeling condemned by it.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.─Ephesians 4:32

I have been forgiven much. I had to forgive much. God’s grace helped (and helps) me to not only extend forgiveness but receive it as well.  When you have spent a large chunk of your life feeling unworthy, Christ’s grace makes sure you believe you are.  Worthy of forgiveness. Worthy of love. Worthy of His time and undivided attention. Worthy of so much more than what we think or imagine.

He wants us to run to Him with our wounds, to rest secure in His arms.  He is Counselor. He is Physician. He is Friend.  He is our Husband. As children of God, we are His bride.

When you have a past as bumpy as the road I’ve travelled, the only way to feel worthy of the beauty and grace that is God and all He has for us is by losing ourselves in His immense love.  If you’ve never experienced the love of God, I pray you are open enough to the idea of Him to receive it. He is Beautiful. Pure. True. Untainted.

He gives us power and strength to peer into our past for the purpose of a bright, beautiful, and hopeful future.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”─Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Even if you don’t believe you are worthy, even if you don’t believe those words could be true for you, if you have only a morsel of hope and belief they are true for you, that is enough. I pray God grows your belief into the fullness of reality that you are worthy. Valuable. Priceless and treasured.

I know this is possible, because He took this once broken woman and gave me a hope for my future. My life is good, pure, sweet and true, because I’m following the One who is Good, Pure, Sweet and True.  He brings peace, and love, healing, and redemption.

He makes all things beautiful in their time.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.─Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV

Friends, we can’t fathom the goodness God desires to give us here on earth and for all eternity.

He does give us glimpses.

God gave me a new vision of love and marriage when He brought Sam into my life.  From my past and the way I used to create favor with men, God didn’t allow me to use those tactics.  He wanted Sam and I to do things differently. I’m so grateful for that!

Because Sam and I weren’t relying on physical intimacy, we created genuine intimacy. I do believe other than God, he knows me best. He knows me better than anyone else ever has.  And sometimes he even knows me better than I know myself.

Because we didn’t rely on physical intimacy, I had no choice but to use new tools (mostly a dependency on God to help me walk out a Christian relationship). I prayed God would help me. And He did. And He does.

When there have been challenges Sam and I have had to navigate, as are inevitable in life, we have a strong foundation. Our relationship is built on Christ, the solid rock on which we stand. From that vantage point, His loving hand strengthens and encourages us to continue forward in this loving one another well thing. Really. Truly. Deeply. Flawed and imperfect, but genuine and real. My mask is off. I’m me and I hope he always feels he can be Sam.  In the world we might not always be able to wear our heart on our sleeve, but I hope with one another we always will.

Merriam Webster’s definition of intimacy says intimacy is:

  1. marked by a warm friendship developing through long association
  2. suggesting informal warmth or privacy
  3. engaged in, involving, or marked by sex or sexual relations

In aggregate, these make for a brilliant, wonderful marriage. We need friendship first through long association. Friendship isn’t confused by physicality and endorphins.  Friendship says, “I see you for who you really are. I like you. I like spending time with you. It could be anything, really, as long as we are together.”

Genuine intimacy also requires warmth and privacy. In a marital bond with Christ leading and guiding, there is a genuine caring and concern. Because Christ lives in us, we possess His nature. He is love. He is trustworthy. He is safe. As husbands and wives, we need to be that for one another.  If there has been a breach in trust for any reason, seek to make restoration. Seek forgiveness or seek God to give it to your spouse. It’s not easy. But it’s possible.  Trust is built over time, through long association. Little by little, brick by brick, the house Love builds can withstand life’s storms.

While God calls me to share openly and vulnerably sometimes (to help others and to bring deeper healing to me), Sam is most often made aware of my heart long, long before I write or speak about a topic. Sam is kind. He is tender. He holds my hurts and heart gently. Over the course of our long association I have learned I can trust him. At first it felt monumental to share pieces of me and my story, like cliff diving into an unknown sea. Now it feels safe to share with Sam.  I can be in my jammies armed with a box of Kleenex, looking a hot mess and know that his heart is for me.

Honestly, the physical nature of our relationship is hardest for me. There’s much hurt and brokenness there on my part, distortion of what is pure, lovely, and true.

God created sex. Satan tainted it.  God has grown me to look at sex more through His eyes. At first it was a lot of the “thou shalt nots” being given─not from a distant, dictating God. Guidance given from a loving Father who only wants what’s best for me.

If you don’t know Him or just need reminding,

God wants what’s best for you!

For awhile, I had a hard time distancing myself from memories I didn’t want to linger.  I didn’t want reminders of those experiences determined to try to define me.  The enemy loved to torment me with those thoughts and doubts. But God brought deliverance and freedom. Years in God’s Word.  Years in the school of the Holy Spirit, being comforted by Him and reassured there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Receiving His love and healing. Helping others. These all served to set me free.

Christ gave me freedom. And when I need reminding, He gives me freedom. Sometimes he brings me to new depths of freedom, each time less to hinder me.  Growth in the soil of God’s goodness.

God helps me to experience sex as intimacy, not as an act.  Acting I was good at. Intimacy I’m growing to become good at. It doesn’t happen over night, it happens in increments.  Imagine a bucket on the beach. Little by little you fill it with sand. Eventually it is full. Eventually it overflows. Intimacy is like that.

If you have a story like mine, intimacy isn’t easy.   But it if you have a story like mine and God is in the equation, intimacy is possible.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”─Matthew 19:26 NIV

Jesus looks at you.

Jesus looks at you and says, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Lord, help each person whose eyes read this to fear not, to know that You are with them. Help them to be not dismayed. Help them to know You. Strengthen each one. Help them and uphold them with Your righteous right hand.  In Jesus’ name, amen!

“Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

─Isaiah 41:10 NKJV

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Signature Image: Tracy Stella

 

Categories // Blooming in Marriage, Forgiveness, Freedom, Friendship, How to Love When It's Hard, Tracy Stella's Perspective Tags // abortion, beauty, Depression, Ecclesiastes 3:11, Ephesians 4:32, forgiveness, Freedom, Friendship, Grace, healing, hope, Intimacy, Isaiah 41:10, Jeremiah 29:11, Love, marriage, Matthew 19:26, Mercy, Purity, Rape, Redemption, Revelation, Safe, Safety, Sexual Trauma, sin, Suicide, Trust, Worth, Worthy

What Lessons Has Life Taught Me?

09.04.2018 by Tracy Stella //

What lessons has life taught me? Just a small question, small like the climbing of Mt Everest. Since we are always in the process of being transformed by the renewal of our mind (Romans 12:2), change is ever under way. Change means lessons learned always, if we’re listening, if we take heed.

Rather than become overwhelmed by the question, I thought I’d focus on one area of life. Still, it feels big, looming like the ocean when you set sail on a cruise and find yourself far from shore. Looking out, all you see upon the horizon is where water kisses sky, waves reaching upward. Vast. That’s how big marriage feels and the lessons God has, and is, using it to teach me.

IMAGE: Life Lessons, T Stella, teal

This month FACETS thought we’d approach the question in a timeline fashion: “Where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going”. Our hope and prayer is that God meets you as we share our hearts and what God is doing in our lives. We pray God uses our writing to help us and you remember where we were, but more importantly where we are going. With that in mind, back to my life lessons as it relates to marriage.

Where I’ve Been

At 28 I got married. I thought I waited long enough to know what I wanted, to know who I was. I thought I knew things, more things than I really did – especially when it came to marriage!

I thought I’d married my Prince Charming. The shoe seemed to fit perfectly. Glass slipper turned into shattered hearts, mine, and I imagine his too. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

We started off well enough. In love.  We thought that would keep us afloat. It didn’t. Sometimes, the water gets choppy and you need more than love, the way most people think of love. Marriage takes sacrificial love. It takes dying to self. It takes setting aside pride and seeking to understand. I knew none of these things.

I’d read a lot of Cinderella and virtually nothing of the Bible.

Neither my ex nor I knew the Lord, but we had each other. Us against the world. We eloped secretly to Jamaica and its sandy shores. Ocean, sky, salty air and us. We didn’t see the impending doom upon the horizon. It would take over a decade to implode.

So what happened?

How does love get lost?

How do things turn from ocean, sky and salty air to just, well, salty (before forgiveness sets in)?

For me, one of the reasons things turned so far off course had to do with fear. I feared marriages where fighting was part of the dynamic. I didn’t want volatility, so I avoided conflict like the plague. I didn’t want to argue, so often I would stuff things down. What I didn’t talk about wouldn’t become real, never mind when one little problem, upon one little problem, upon another isn’t dealt with in a healthy fashion.  Life can get sucked out of any love relationship.

If we’re not being real about what we want and need and how we feel, we’re not loved for who we are. We’re projecting what we want things to be or what we think the other person wants them to be─codependence at its finest─rather than what they really are, which ends up in shipwreck. After all, we’re made to be truly known, seen and loved. God gives us marriage as a picture (and tool) of His love for us. Man and woman, not to be separated once joined.  (Matthew 19:6)

It’s gut wrenching when they are ripped apart. I know. Perhaps you do too.

I denied any issues by not looking at them. I was too naïve sometimes. I was too afraid others. I was lost, in a big world and, like Christopher Columbus, had one version of how things should look and was wrong.

A marriage devoid of fighting isn’t necessarily good. Perhaps, a marriage devoid of fighting means people aren’t communicating enough.

Fear told me fighting was bad.  My faith now says, dealing with conflict in a healthy fashion with Jesus at the center is desirable.

I denied his problems. I denied mine. If I had it to do all over again, I’d deal with my junk. Junk leads to sin, shame and sorrow. Unhealthy people inflict pain. Those who get hurt most? The ones closest.

After a big wrestle with all that was wrong, my pride said “divorce him”. Others affirmed my choice. I had no Jesus. (He was there, I just didn’t know Him.) I obviously had no faith. I had nothing solid to stand on, and because the ship was sinking, I jumped off the side. I imagine the impact of a plane crash landing in the ocean. It hurt that much! Maybe more.

The pain didn’t set in right away. I was too busy running. I ran to Hawaii. I ran to the Caribbean. No matter where I ran to, I couldn’t outrun the pain of my broken heart. Who knew? I WAS invincible. I didn’t have the intellectual aptitude to deal with all the emotion threatening to take me away, like the tide carrying debris off the shore into the inky ocean.

There was danger lurking too. I encountered even worse relationships after my divorce. Wounded women are easy targets. I might as well have put a big bulls’ eye on my back.

And then I met a gentleman. He changed things dramatically!

Where I Am

How did I meet this gentleman? What was his name? What does our love story look like?

This Gentleman’s name is Jesus. He saved me! He saved me from harmful relationships. He saved me from harming myself to escape a sea of shame, sin, and pain. His love invaded and consumed me, and my life has never been the same.

His love reached into my heart and spoke all the words I’d longed to hear my whole life. I felt seen. I felt known. I felt understood – for the first time. Miraculously, my pride collapsed, and I knew I didn’t know everything (or pretty much anything). I didn’t need to. I knew, and know, the One who does.

He tenderly loved me back to life. I was limp, left for dead.  The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). That almost happened. But God. The truest, most real, Prince Charming swept away His bride. His love left me breathless. It still does.

When we really let God’s love invade us, we are never the same. It’s His love that leads to life transforming change. It’s only when we deeply experience God’s love that we can convey love in a meaningful fashion to others.

If your relationships are amiss, explore whether you are fully abiding in God’s love.  In Jesus’ words:

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” ─John 15:9 NIV

If love relationships start to slip, go back to the above. Repeat until things are set right once again.

If we are unable to give and receive love to others, sit with God. Experience His love. Experience Him. Don’t move into a love relationship before you know as you know the love of God. It’s reckless. It’s consuming. It’s the sweetest, most precious gift He gives us. His love, it’s really beyond explanation. As much as I have experienced it, I desire to experience it more. Because when I do, I am a kinder, better version of me. His love helps us become the best version of ourselves.

God’s love gives us confidence. His grace and mercy tangible evidence of His love.

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.─Hebrews 4:16 NIV

His love is perfect, and it casts out all fear.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. ─1 John 4:18 NIV

What I’ve found about myself, and others for that matter, is when we react badly to each other, the real reason often is rooted in fear. We’re afraid of getting taken advantage of. We’re afraid of getting hurt. We’re afraid we won’t get what we want, or we won’t get our way. We’re afraid of – fill in the blank, because there is no shortage of things we can fear.

But God’s love casts out fear. God’s love gives us confidence. God’s love helps us to trust in His goodness, which leads us to trust others too.

Trusting God led me to first kneel at His altar, to humbly seek Him, and to listen to what He has to say. Certainly, I try to anyhow.  And even in those very early baby years of my Christian faith, I grew to know I could trust our sweet Jesus. Because of His love, I believed Him when He asked me to “trust Him”.

God asked me to “trust Him” to get married to my current husband Sam. As terrified as I was, God’s perfect love cast that fear aside in my heart. I was consumed with the truth that I did trust God and I would obey what felt like walking on a plank that could send me plunging into an inky abyss. I would never have taken the risk it takes to be vulnerable in marriage a second time had God not fostered in me first a loving, trusting relationship with Him.

Out of God’s perfect love that casts out ALL FEAR, I was able to love another human being again.

I met Sam at church, saved only 2 weeks before we met. Skittish and scared, I embarked upon dating my first Christian at age 40. A lot different than my other dating experiences, for sure. I remember being so afraid I was going to mess things all up. I remember not even wanting the relationship at times, not because Sam wasn’t good and kind, sweet and loving, but because of the aroma of fear that God kept fanning away.

I believe the enemy knew how strong Sam and I would be together, how through the love God gave us and poured into us and our marriage, we were going to be a hindrance to the kingdom of darkness. Guess what, marriages forged in the strength, power and love of Christ are a force to be reckoned with!

Make no mistake, the enemy LOVES to attack marriage. When things are going wonky, we always need to look for evidence of the crafty serpent slithering away. He doesn’t want love and relationships to exist. The enemy’s plans are to destroy, to rip apart what God joined together.

God’s plans are that no one separate what God has joined.

So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. ─Matthew 19:6 NIV

I pray God forges all of our marriages, current – or if you are single, future – in the strength, power and love of Christ. I pray God covers us and our marriages under His protective wing.

Communication is critical to healthy relationships. We can’t make assumptions. We need to clear the air. We need to convey how we feel.

Recently, I shared with my husband how I was feeling about a scenario. He is a kind and good man, but sometimes he doesn’t readily entertain what I’m saying. Like all of us, we can start to plead our case before hearing the other side. What’s different about this is that I don’t let that response silence me nor do I typically let it create World War III.

Sam will encourage me to “believe the best”. I try, but sometimes I question it (generally if my feelings have been hurt in some way).

I’ve learned to express myself, to appropriately “stand up” for myself with words something like this…

“No. It’s okay for me to express how I feel. I heard such and such when you said so and so.”

It’s important to ask questions and clarify what was said and the intention behind the words (or actions).

Sweeping my feelings under the rug is a lousy idea. It’s better to acknowledge them in a healthy fashion.

Admittedly, I don’t always understand them.  The best advice I have for myself and you is to seek God in those moments.  When we set pride aside and inquire of God about how we are feeling and why, He is faithful to share the root. I might not always get an instant answer, but He is faithful to reveal truth to me in a loving fashion. God’s heart is always to heal us, and He uses our marriages to do that. It’s part of the purpose of marriage.

I am blessed in my marriage, but it’s because we have Christ at the center. Beyond that, keeping communication open and being intentional about spending time with one another, investing in our marriage helps us to stay the course.

I am not naïve enough to think that a healthy marriage will be a guaranteed outcome without additional investment on both our part. What we don’t pay attention to withers. We need to be intentional with each other. We can’t take each other or our love for granted.

Where I’m Going

In my case, I feel like the above should read “Where We’re Going”.

Recently, Sam and I were asked to help launch a marriage ministry at our church. The first study we plan to do is called The Meaning of Marriage. I don’t know how God will use that study in our marriage and in the marriages of those He calls to it, but I DO trust God will show up in the midst of it all.

We don’t have all the answers to the meaning of marriage. We don’t have a perfect marriage, but we have one vulnerable enough to share with others the lessons God has taught and is teaching us along the way.

We do know the One who possesses perfect love that casts out all fear.

If you live in the area, consider attending. It starts the end of October. And if you feel you have a solid, Christ-centered marriage and have a heart to help others see Christ at work in their marriage, we’d love to connect with you.

We are praying in advance for you and your marriages, even as we ask that those reading this pray for us, our marriage, and the marriages God is calling us to serve. In Jesus’ name.

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Signature Image: Tracy Stella

Categories // Blooming in Marriage, Faith, Tracy Stella's Perspective Tags // 1 John 4:18, Bride of Christ, Codependence, Communication, Confidence, Conflict, denial, divorce, fear, Fighting, God's Faithfulness, Grace, Hebrews 4:16, John 10:10, John 15:9, Love, marriage, Matthew 19:6, Meaning of Marriage, Mercy, Romans 12:2, Trust

When Our Tank Is Empty, What Do We Do?

07.24.2018 by Dawn Stewart //

This month our Facets of Faith team has the great pleasure to share with you the thoughts of one of our sisters in Christ, Dawn Stewart.  She writes and speaks from a place of authenticity so lacking today. Her vulnerability shows others how to be real, open, and vulnerable so Jesus can be the soothing balm of our souls.  Sit back, settle in, and prepare to let God use one of His precious daughters to shine light in the darkness of our hearts when we need them fueled with hope.  (Haven’t we all been there before?) *smile *

How does prayer fuel our HOPE? (Guest)I have a really bad habit when it comes to caring for my vehicle.  I don’t do a great job paying attention to my fuel gauge.  Over the years, I have put myself in some very stressful situations because of this bad habit.  Like those crazy, hurried mornings when I have gotten the kids in the car just in time to make it to school only to realize I don’t know if I have enough gas to get them there.

I end up driving with my eyes constantly returning to the gas gauge, stomach in knots, and my thoughts beating me up for not being more responsible.   The guilt that my kids might be late because of my lack of intentionality eats at me. I can’t even enjoy my time with them in the car because I am so hyper-focused on the guilt I’m feeling. It’s stressful.  It’s emotionally and mentally chaotic. And, it’s absolutely unnecessary.  I have everything I need at my disposal to ensure I don’t end up in this situation.  I have the money for gas.  I have gas stations at nearly every corner.  I know how to put gas in my car.  I don’t even mind putting gas in my car.  I just don’t pay attention to the very thing that tells me when I need to take action.

My spiritual journey can get a lot like this as well.  I absolutely have a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical gas tank.  And when I start to run out of gas in any one of those areas, life gets really stressful, emotionally and mentally chaotic, and I end up spending a great deal of my energy focusing on the problems in my life instead of the good that is all around me.  Guilt runs rampant in my heart and consumes my time and energy.  It is just like the car ride, but on a much broader scale.  If I am not aware that my tanks are getting empty, and don’t take the necessary action to fill up, I end up feeling and behaving in ways that are unhealthy for me, for my family, and for those around me.

Each tank requires its own unique fuel and reveals its emptiness in its own way. My physical gas tank begins to get empty when I am not caring for my physical being with proper fuel – food, exercise, and healthy amounts of sleep and rest.  I become tired and weary, hyper-sensitive, and not very fun to be around.

My emotional tank becomes empty when I am not properly fueling my emotional being with times of fun mixed in with the responsibility of life.  I become too serious, easily irritated, frustrated, emotionally clingy and difficult to be around.

My mental tank becomes low when I am not fueling myself with healthy thoughts, positive self-talk, and encouragement. I catch myself having negative thoughts towards myself and others, and those thoughts quickly manifest themselves in negative attitudes and behaviors.

Of all the tanks I need to be paying attention to, my spiritual tank is by far the most important.  For 35 years of my life, I paid no attention to this area of my life.  It was dry as a bone.  I was so consumed with trying on my own strength to keep the other areas of my life fueled and so wrecked with stress because I could never seem to keep up with my own physical, emotional, and mental needs.  Eventually I just gave up and over time became extremely unhealthy in every area of life.  I felt hopeless. I became desperate for change, desperate for help – and it turns out that what I really needed was to begin filling the spiritual tank within me.  I had no idea it was even there.

My first real prayer was one of total desperation.  I couldn’t keep up with life anymore and recognized a need for God’s intervention.  And so I asked Him for help.  I could almost feel the water pour into the dry areas of my soul.  It was like rain falling in an area that has been wrecked with drought.  The more I sought the Lord’s intervention, the more I could feel my soul come to life.  I didn’t even know I was so parched with thirst!  Prayer was the fuel that brought hope into my life again!

I had such little understanding of prayer, but I knew that something in my life was changing.  Over time, I discovered that prayer is the lifeblood of my spiritual journey.  It is so much more than just words coming out of my mouth to a distant God.  True prayer is the very means of communication with an ever-present, living God!  It is a relationship building, soul drenching, heart healing interaction with the very One who created me!  I don’t need to have specific words to form the right prayer, to sound holy enough, or to make sure every need is delivered correctly to Him.  He doesn’t want my performance.  He wants my heart.

Prayer is a way that I hand my heart to the Lord.  It is a way that I come before God and spend time with Him.  It’s a way to both talk to and hear from the Father.  And it fuels my hope daily.  Prayer is the fuel for my spiritual tank.  And it is at my disposal 24-7. I don’t need to go to church to pray.  I don’t need to go anywhere.  I can talk to the Father right where I am, wherever I am.  And as I do that, He fuels my life with hope.  And from that hope – that confident expectation that God is and will always be present and working in my life – I am able to effectively fuel every other tank I have.  In fact, I would go as far as to say that my emotional, mental, and physical tanks are filled with the overflow that comes from my spiritual tank.  I make right choices for my physical self, my emotional self, and my mental self when I am in right relationship with the Father.  When my heart and mind are focused on His Kingdom first (see Matthew 6) the rest of my life comes into proper order.  It’s amazing to me.

I wish I did everything perfectly, but alas – I do not.  There are still some days that I don’t fuel my spiritual tank, and I feel the dryness start to creep back in.  I feel the irritation start to form in my mind again, and I watch my attitudes and behaviors become less than fun to be around.  I am grateful God always makes a way for me to see the gauge on my spiritual tank is getting empty and provides me with time and opportunity to fill it.

Recently, I started noticing my attitude toward my husband and our marriage slowly becoming more and more negative.  I was having a difficult time seeing him as the man God was forming and was paying attention (almost compulsively) to his character flaws. The joy in my heart was starting to wane and bitterness was creeping in.

At first, as is typical, I started thinking the problem was in our marriage and that my husband was becoming less and less interested in connecting with me and our marriage. The more I focused on thoughts like this, the more anxious and worried I began to become. At one point things were starting to feel so bleak inside I found myself wondering if my husband even liked me anymore.

One morning, I was discussing this with a friend and we decided to turn to the Lord in prayer. What ended up happening was that God started showing me I had stopped praying for my husband and our marriage.  And the reason that was impacting me so negatively was I had begun to place my hope in my husband instead of in my God.

As wonderful of a man as my husband is, he was never designed to be the source of my hope.  He is many things, but my hope is to be in the Lord! I am so grateful to have connected with God’s Word in community with a Sister in Christ. As a result of that time, I was able to confess and repent of my error in focus.  God put me back on the right train of thinking. Nothing else had changed. Now my thought life around my husband and our marriage is once again fueled with gratitude, love, appreciation, hope, and excitement for the future. My husband was never lacking in desire for me; I had started lacking in my desire for the Lord.  And He allowed me to feel the discomfort of my spiritual tank becoming empty, and provided me an opportunity to get it filled back up!

I see now how my entire life really is fueled by the One who created me in the first place.  My most important job is to connect to Him daily.  To sit with Him, give Him my heart, and spend time in His presence.  When I do that with consistency, I can rest assured that the other areas of my life will be cared for as well.

And, who knows, I might even get better at watching the fuel gauge on my car!

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Signature: Dawn Stewart

Categories // Blooming in Marriage, Guest Perspectives, How Does Prayer Fuel Hope? Tags // Dawn Stewart, Facets of Faith, hope, prayer

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