Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

How Has Mama Guilt Affected Your Parenting?

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In the month set aside for well-deserved celebration of mothers, we want to talk about a topic most moms wrestle with at some point ─guilt. We experience guilt over situations, decisions made, actions taken (or not), and words said (or not).  This month Facets of Faith considers How has mama guilt affected your parenting?

Let’s face it. Being a mom is hard work! To borrow a tagline from the Peace Corp:

It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love!

If you’re a mom, I (Tracy) know you’ll need no convincing. It is a tough job. There are certain seasons where you wring your hands and think, How will I ever get through this? I don’t have enough energy, wisdom, or wherewithal to do this well.

Dirty diapers. Spilled juice on a freshly scrubbed floor. Toddler season. Temper tantrums without reason. The tough stuff God uses to mold and shape us as mothers.

My son is now an adult, but that doesn’t necessarily make parenting easier. In some ways, it’s perhaps harder. Influence not completely gone, but different. Less day-to-day and more dependence on the Lord as we lose control over our children’s decision-making.

Parenting isn’t for sissies.

Lucky for us, God gives us blessings through our children and the sweet moments of days gone by we treasure up in our hearts even as we make new memories along the way. Like Jesus’ mom, Mary, we store them up as keepsakes in our memory banks. The sweet smiles, the mom I love you’s, days at the park, pushing of swing, first day of anything, saved macaroni art moments.

So many things about being a mom I wouldn’t change one single bit.

But there are others.

The I wish I would have…. (fill in the blank).

My mama guilt started at conception. I wasn’t married to my son’s father. My single in the suburbs belly bump set off a barrage of shame. There were enough shame bombs detonated by my decision to partake in pre-marital sex to destroy my mama self-esteem along the way and muddy up my decision-making ability.

Shame overwhelmed me as I sat, legs dangling over the edge of the doctor’s table waiting for him to confirm what I was terrified was true. I cried when I found out I was pregnant.  How does an honor roll girl find herself in these places of dishonor? Shame that root too.

After the breaking news of my emerging belly bump leaked to the general public, shame set in deeper. I remember wishing I could get a fake wedding band, so people wouldn’t think I was single in the suburbs with baby bump.

There wasn’t celebration. No parties. No excitement from the wings. Shame. Shame. Shame on you. Couldn’t shrug it off.

I wish I would have…

waited until I was married.

thought about the consequences for my son.

thought about the consequences for myself.

realized I could have made much better choices in the men I allowed in my life  back then.

And on, and on, and on.

These were the things I used to beat myself up about …. especially when his dad was missing in action and I’d have to come up with some excuse.  I’d be furious inside at his absence and still secretly ashamed, blaming myself for all that his dad wasn’t back then. I “knew” it was “all my fault” that his father wasn’t around to hold his little boy’s hand, to raise him on his shoulders, and for the little boy to look up in admiration to and want to grow up to be just like his daddy.

Shame. Shame. Shame on me became, I’ll show them!

Most single mamas I know try to make up for what their little ones don’t have. We put pressure on ourselves to perform mama and papa roles (and isn’t it hard enough being “just” the mama?).

I was recently out of high school at the time. No child support and not a lot of money coming in from my secretarial job. Even so, I spent too much money ─ money I didn’t have ─ because my son had to have “the best”. Overspending and splurging on activities was my way of overcompensating for what my son didn’t have, his dad.

It’s interesting. God places young, single moms in my life today. I’ve seen this same trait in most of them. Not enough money coming in, but loving their little ones so much that they didn’t want them to do without any more than they already are─the dads they so desperately need.

I wish I would have realized when I was younger that things and activities aren’t the answer to what kids of single moms need most.

Had I known by Bible and known my Jesus then like I do now, I would have flipped to Genesis 16 and 21 and read about Hagar and Ishmael and wept and wept at God’s goodness, love, and mercy extended to us single mamas. He has extra measure of love and mercy stored up for our kids too.

I would have known not to wear shame, because my God sees me. He saw me back then, and He saw every single thing that led up to my single mama-making moment. He wasn’t going to condemn me for my bad decision. He understands. He sees. His desire is always to restore us to Him, to a position of honor and dignity seated at His right hand. He would NEVER desire us mamas (single or otherwise) to sit in a puddle of shame.

Hagar and her son were rejected and set aside, but never by their Heavenly Father!  Just as He sent angels of the LORD to minister to “single” mama Hagar, He has angels overseeing us.

To which of the angels did God ever say,

“Sit at my right hand

until I make your enemies

a footstool for your feet”?

Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?─Hebrews 1:13-14 NIV

When we need a mama moment no matter what season we find ourselves in, I hope we can remember this picture in our head.

Pull up a chair and place your feet on the footstool God has for your mama weary legs. As you do, reflect upon your rightful position as a daughter of the King. You are royal. Your kiddos are too. Call on those ministering angels. Remember, God has them assigned to serve those who inherit salvation. That’s you if you’ve said yes to Jesus.

Not only did God see a wearied and worried “single” mama in Hagar, He saw her son. God will see your son or daughter too. He is the God who sees and hears those He loves. (Genesis 16:13, Genesis 21:17)

And God heard the voice of the lad. Then the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said to her, “What ails you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad and hold him with your hand, for I will make him a great nation.”─Genesis 21:17-18 NKJV

I have no idea what greatness God has in store for your child, but I do know He has great plans for him or her just like God has for my son. We fear and fret, worry and wallow, when what God wants is for our mama hearts to cry out to Him and share what ails us. He doesn’t want us weighed down by shame. His desire is for us to arise. The only way that’s possible is if we release those feelings of shame and doubt.

Perhaps that’s the best gift we can get this Mother’s Day. Let’s give ourselves a mama break. Give your shame over to God and let Him set you (and your children) free to arise into your fullest potential.

One other beautiful closing revelation God reminded me of… He knew our children in our wombs. He knit them together and formed them before we even knew them. To all you single mamas out there: Your child is NOT fatherless. They have the BEST Father in the whole wide world─One who loves unconditionally, without ceasing. How much that would have reassured me had I known that when my son was small. But I know it now and it is the greatest reassurance, that when I don’t know what to do, the One who loves us MOST always does.

Be blessed all you mamas! God loves you!

Be blessed all you mamas! God loves those you deeply love!  

Happy Mother’s Day dear ones!

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Loving a Friend Enough to Stand in the Gap

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How do you love a friend when it’s hard? That’s the question we’re answering here at Facets of Faith this month. Tracy and Jen started the conversation — be sure to check out their posts by clicking on their names.

For me (Kim)? Well, now it’s my turn.

I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my friends, especially those who loved me enough to stand in the gap when life got hard.

Sounds dramatic, but it’s true.

When my five-year-old daughter died from smoke inhalation in a fire that destroyed our home, and her dad lie in an ICU bed with injuries suffered from that fire, my world became the definition of a life turned hard.

Literally.

But my friends didn’t turn away from the destruction, they drew near and stood in the gap for me.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” Proverbs 17:17, NIV

They loved me in practical ways like bringing diet pepsi and pretzels to a hospital 30 miles from home, simply because they knew I needed to eat and those were my favorite. They loved me as they spent the night in the waiting room of the hospital so I wouldn’t be alone if word came that my sweet Emma had died. They loved me as they told me it was okay to buy my favorite perfume to replace the one I lost in the fire, and then stood up for me after I chewed out a lady for not selling a particular perfume set that I wanted.

They loved me as they shopped with me for clothes my girls and I would wear to Emma’s funeral. Then, they loved me as they stood next to me as I stood next to her little casket.

My friends did more than those practical things . . . so much more. They comforted me with hugs and smiles and offered tender words of encouragement. They reminded me that I wasn’t alone, that I wasn’t forgotten.

My friends shared their strength as they sat and listened while I processed all that happened. They didn’t try to fix anything; life was simply too broken to fix. But they helped make it bearable, endurable, even if for a moment. They validated my tears and sorrow as they wept with me. When my life turned upside, they reminded me of all that was right-side up.

My friends prayed for me. They interceded and pleaded on my behalf, asking the Holy Spirit to minister to me in those deepest, darkest spaces where no one else could go, places no one else could see. Their prayers changed everything. They impacted my life in ways I won’t understand this side of heaven. I borrowed their faith when I had none.

I know this journey wasn’t easy on them. My friends were tired, downright exhausted. My life was messy, and that mess clung to them. There were days I wondered if they would give up on me, on the entire situation, days when they needed a break from the heaviness. I wondered because there were days when I wanted the exact. same. thing. A moment to breathe with the fullness of my lungs, without the weight of sorrow pressing me down.

There were days I longed for my weariness to end so my friends didn’t have to experience it with me. When I could pretend that life is okay and laugh away the minutes, all to give them a reprieve, to lighten their load.

But honestly, those days were few and far in between. Many days I didn’t feel like a very good friend. I felt, more often than not, I was that friend, the one who was difficult to love. Not because I was particularly difficult, but my circumstances sure were. And because they were, I didn’t have much to give back to my friends. I received so much more than I gave.

But these friends, these war buddies of mine, they didn’t give up even when it was hard. They stood in the gap and showered me with love — the life-giving, grace-filled love typically found in the pages of Scripture, but rarely in every day life quite like this. My friends? Oh, they loved me well. And for that, I am forever grateful.

Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, NIV

How do you love a friend when it’s hard? Have you ever been on the receiving end? Jump in and join the conversation below or over on our Facebook page.

Loving When Life is Hard—and Loving Well

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This month at FACETS we’ve got a great question. Tracy’s post last week was a gem. Take a peek if you haven’t! And remember to come back next week to read Kim’s post.

How do I love a friend when it’s hard? When life is hard?

As I (Jennifer) think about this question, I recognize that I’ve been that friend. In one really hard season I sat smack-dab in the middle of terribly difficult circumstances. Not one but several areas of my reasonably calm, settled life were hit hard. My apple cart wasn’t just upset, it was blown to smithereens. That was an emotional time. As I looked at the “apple sauce mess” that was my life, I wondered if somebody had been given permission to put a bullseye on me, my family and friends, and my apple cart. I was a mess. Over a fairly long period of time I navigated others’ pain and my own. Circumstances seemed out of control.

Those who know me best know that injustice upsets me deeply. Family and friends are precious to me, and I can’t bear to see unfair accusations or unkind treatment doled out. That was happening to several people close to me at the time. Then my husband went through a work transition that proceeded more slowly than I’d hoped. I began to crumble under the pressure. Then the emotions took over. (Have you or someone close to you experienced this?)

There I sat, for months, in a rancid puddle of emotions. I wanted my friends to be treated better. I wanted my circumstances to be better. I wanted my family to return to a better normal. I tried to manage everything on my own—tried to put on a pleasant face each day—but I was failing miserably. The sadness and anger was piling up.

Thankfully, friends were willing to come to my little puddle and sit with me in it.

That’s how you love a friend when it’s hard! Be with them.

Life is hard, and all of us will sit through a course or two at the School of Hard Knocks. The best way to love someone through that is to be with them when you can, but that’s not always possible. I felt loved when someone gently pressed in. One intentionally walked across a room to talk. My phone rang regularly. Encouraging voicemails were left if I didn’t pick up. E-mails made me smile. Text messages reminded me that friends and family were thinking of me. Many days my friends took a minute out of their busy schedule to check in—and I was so grateful!

There are lots of ways to love a friend when it’s hard.

If you have a friend struggling like me in my season, you know the angry, resentful, or super-sad emotional place anyone can land in during tough times. You might also know how hard it is to keep your own equilibrium when someone close to you is having a hard time. Can I tell you something? Your listening ear or the ear of a skilled professional can make all the difference. It takes time to listen well. It can be difficult to maintain quiet attentiveness and stifle the urge to find solutions, so I recommend praying silently for wisdom while your friend shares. Ask about their personal thoughts and feelings. You’ll know the conversation is on the right track when “I” and “me” statements are steady.

Remember—when someone is emotional the words may not be filtered and may not line up with truth. I can look back on my difficult season and more accurately assess the vulnerable moments (everything from ugly cry sessions to angry rants). The weakness I felt led to my meltdown, and the response was natural. From the other side of it I can see how most things were either a necessary part of a larger plan or something that was eventually used for good. Still, it wasn’t “good” at the time—and it was ridiculously hard! Now I can honestly say I wish I’d made some different decisions. There are specific moments I wish I’d chosen trust over fear, love over anger, and repentance over defensiveness. In the best moments, with a gentle reminder and beautiful encouragement, I chose well. I’m thankful that happened.

Friend, if you’re in the position to sit with someone in their hard season, do this: pray for their strength and resolve to choose well. In the right time and tone, the gentle reminder that every story has a beginning, middle, and end can be precious. We don’t know exactly where we are in our own storyline, but we can be sure that none of it is unknown or unimportant to the Lover of our souls. Jesus is there in every moment, whether we are aware or not, and He will always be with us every step. He will help the one going through hard times and grant wisdom and grace to the one wanting to help.

I thought I’d place some thoughts here for you. I hope they are helpful.

He hemmed me in, ganged up on me, poured on the trouble and hard times. Lamentations 3:5 MSG
The book of Lamentations is an example of an emotional outcry.

Then they sat on the ground with him seven days and nights, but no one spoke a word to him because they saw that his suffering was very intense. Job 2:13 CSB
The book of Job is an example of extreme hardship but maybe not the best example of counsel in the end.

Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Can affliction or anguish or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? Romans 8:35 CSB

I love that our Father has been careful to speak to the hard stuff in life. There are hundreds of verses the Bible, too many to include, because it’s the story of life in a broken world. And life in a broken world can be excruciating. I’m thankful Jesus came. I’m thankful I have friends who know how to be like Jesus when they sit with me in hard times. Then I’m thankful to have the opportunity to sit with someone else in their hard season the way someone sat with me.

Thanks for reading along! I hope these thoughts inspire you. Maybe you need to let someone in to help you in your difficult season. Maybe you need to be with someone in theirs. Love well!

 

Signature, Jennifer Howe