Say No Archives – Facets of Faith

When to Say No to the Power of Fear

11.15.2016 by Kim Findlay //

This month at Facets of Faith we’re answering the question: when do we say no. Tracy and Jen have already shared their thoughts. Be sure to click on their names and check them out!

When I (Kim) was a child, there was one thing I feared most: my parents’ death. One night I’d dream my mom died, another my dad. I’d often steal into their room just to make sure they were still there, still breathing, still alive.

I’m honestly not sure where this fear began to take root. Neither of my parents battled health issues. Neither had a brush with death, nor even an extended stay in the hospital, yet those feelings of fear were as real to me as the pillow that captured my tears as I slept.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear.” 1 John 4:18, NLT

It’s easy to understand when a child expresses fear. We comfort. We listen. We might try to fix it. But we also quickly learn there’s no telling an 8-year old girl that the fear she feels about losing her parents isn’t real. A child is quick to show you that the truth-telling moment doesn’t bring her comfort.

So what happens when that 8 year-old girl grows up to become a 33 year-old woman and experiences those same feelings? What would you say to her? What if that woman is you? What do you say to yourself when fear dominates and controls?

Fear, itself, is a feeling, and depending on the situation, an expected one. I felt intense fear after my daughter died from a fire that destroyed our home. My worst nightmare became my vivid reality. Even so, I remember people telling me not feel fear, not to worry. She’s safe in heaven. The fire’s over. The problem? I did feel afraid. I did worry. Telling me not to feel a certain way added shame to the weight my heart carried and began to crowd out what I knew to be true about God.

The Lord says, ‘I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name.’” Psalm 91:14, NLT

That’s when I knew it was time to say no. No to fear and shame dominating my life and heaping it on top of an already smothered heart. I said no to well-intentioned people controlling my healing. I said no to staying stuck in a place of bitterness and resentment. I said no to the divisive tactics of the evil one whose singular purpose is spelled out in John 10:10 – “The thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy.” No to losing sight of God’s true character.

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” Psalm 91:1, NLT

He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” Psalm 91:4, NLT

I don’t know how you’re not triggered all the time.

I sat in a staff meeting with three men of integrity, men who love Jesus with all their hearts. We discussed the election, its aftermath, and some situations that are weighing heavy on our hearts.

Through the course of the conversation, two of them shared something that touched a deep wound in my heart, a sorrow God has spent the past twelve years healing.

I could’ve allowed resentment to enter in because his daughter received healing when mine didn’t. I couldn’t turned bitter and spouted the other mom whose daughter is gravely ill shouldn’t get her hopes up because death takes who it wants. I could’ve allowed my feelings to barrel over the relationships I had with these three men because I felt the hurt and pain.

But I knew better. I knew it was time to say no again. No to fear of division. No to bitterness and resentment. No to damaging relationships because of the feelings that twisted and turned inside.

Instead, I cried. I hate when that happens, especially when I’m the only female in the room. But if I’m going to say no to fear and shame, I need to say yes to something that invites vulnerability and connection.

I cried and shared the fear that churned inside my heart. They had no idea, How could they? I shared how the struggle is constant, the fear and sorrow that sometimes lurks in the background, and sometimes smacks me square in the face. I shared that there are others like me, others who walk with deep unseen wounds and how we treat people really matters. I shared and we drew closer as together we said no to fear and shame.

I don’t know what lies ahead for you, for our nation, or our world, but I do know when I’m going to say no: when fear and shame dominate my thoughts. When the destruction and havoc from our enemy runs rampant through our world and in the lives of people we know and even those we don’t. When darkness looks like it may win or hatred might have the final say.

I’m grateful my little 8 year-old self faced her fear of loss, because this 45 year-old self has the courage to say no to fear’s power over my life. And when those feelings of fear and shame rise within, I will choose to say no to them again and again and again.

This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.” Psalm 91:2, NLT

What are you saying no to these days? Share below or join the conversation on our Facebook page.

Saying No: a closer look at how and when we say, “No.”

11.08.2016 by Jennifer Howe //

We wrote about saying yes last month. This month we’re taking a look at when to say no. Take a look at Tracy’s post from last week here.

I (Jennifer) received a precious tutorial from a friend, and I’ll pass it on to you:

Place the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth just behind your teeth. Take a deep breath and begin to “hum” the N consonant sound. Follow that with a sustained “long O” sound. Practice the lip shape in the transition from one letter to the other: relaxed and half open to a near-puckered kiss. Try it: “N-n-n-no!”

That’s my public service tutorial for the week. I hope it’s helpful. When my beautiful friend shared this with me, I laughed. The lesson was precious, and I review it often.

What’s the point of beginning with the speech therapy part of the “No” process? If you’re like me, you might forget the word is even an option. Those who love to make others happy may forget. Those seeking to discover who they are and where their specific talents, abilities, and giftedness lie can forget. And sometimes the significance of the ask can cause us to take leave of our senses long enough that Yes completely obscures No. Have you been there?

We know how to say no, but do we know when to say it?

Competing event invitations, multiple employment opportunities (or even just one), and other commitments require a response. An unfamiliar person in the crowd obviously needs encouragement. A desperate person in financial crisis begs for help. When do we say no? I’m not sure there’s a single, easy answer.

I know I’m tempted to give a quick no when three things come into play: my comfort, my courage, or my ego-centric leanings. You, too?

The reality is my comfort zone “footprint” can be a bit small. I’m rarely the early adopter of new ideas, places, or processes. (I’ve lagged in nearly everything from social media to Thai food.) If it’s not broken, I don’t feel the need to fix it, either. My courage quotient rarely lands in the “boldly go where no man has gone before” quadrant (StarTrek, 1966).

Simply put, my reasons for offering a quick no may be knee-jerk and ego-centric in nature. I notice one thing about all of the above—it’s all about me—and I’m not proud of that. It’s easy to refuse any ask (from my Father God or a friend) when I’m all wrapped up in me, my skill set, or my comfort. It might be a confidence-competency-fear thing for some of us, and it can be for me. That’s not new. The Bible highlights the hesitations some of God’s key men and women had when He made big asks.

But Moses replied to the Lord, “Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent—either in the past or recently or since You have been speaking to Your servant—because I am slow and hesitant in speech.” Exodus 4:10 CSB

Moses presented his case for dismissal from the God-given assignment to return to Egypt and lead the nation of Israel out of slavery into their own land. I think he believed he had good reason to be replaced. But God…

The Lord said to him, “Who made the human mouth? Who makes him mute or deaf, seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will help you speak and I will teach you what to say.” Exodus 4:11-12

The Lord reminded Moses who he was and whose he was. When Moses nearly balked, He provided a companion for him: his Levite brother, Aaron, who had lived in Egyptian captivity for his whole life (vv. 14, 15). Moses accepted the assignment, but tentatively. God had a unique purpose set aside just for him.

In light of Moses’ story, I want to set new goals. I’d like to listen to requests more carefully first. An ask might come in the form of a beautiful invitation, employment opportunity, casual text, desperate cry, or a gentle nudge in my spirit. My schedule may be jam-packed or held open for any number of reasons. Still, the request deserves consideration, and I don’t want a knee-jerk no to be offered because I’m uncomfortable or afraid.

So, when can or should we say no? It seems like we should never refuse God, and then we have no idea when to say no. After all, He could want to use us in any scenario with anyone, right? Here are some thoughts as I’ve prayed about the “good no” response.

Could there be a lesson in listening? What if the leading in decisions should come from cultivated relationship? What if a bit of humility paired with lordship could infuse a no response with peace, trust, and courage?

Whatever my response, if I pause to listen, I’m making a conscious decision to hear what God has to say. Listening might look like stopping to pray, checking the boundaries expressed in Scripture, or asking a wise, trusted friend to speak into the decision. Do you know what happens when I want to know what the Lord has to say? He answers!

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5

God loves to reveal Himself and tell us what He’s got in mind. We can rest in the truth of that. He will sort out His perfectly tailored asks from the ones that don’t fall in line with His good plans. That means listening often yields the right leading. Direction comes from pausing to listen, and intimate relationship is forged in that!

The third thing, humble response to His lordship, is powerful. When we are willing to follow through with the God-directed, “good no” we need to give, it’s infused with peace, trust, and courage. Over time, with practice in hearing and responding, we learn to trust the voice of God and become more confident in knowing His will. Sure, times of silence may still happen. Sometimes we may be given our own freedom to choose. But if we have taken time to listen and check for a leading, we’ve taken two great steps toward His guidance in any situation.

While there’s no guarantee we’ll never regret saying no, this process holds a lot of promise for the best chance to say no with peace. Then we learn to say no firmly in a loving tone. For me, that takes practice and a little finesse.

Thanks for reading along. I’d love to read your thoughts in the Comments below or at the Facebook page! Feel free to share your thoughts on your own blog, too, and let us know you’ve joined and continued the conversation.

When Do We Say No?

11.01.2016 by Tracy Stella //

I (Tracy) planned the perfect afternoon. The half day of luxury anticipated over the week. It’s good to have something to look forward to. I hadn’t shared my plans with anyone, but they’d been swirling in my head like glitter suspended in the wind before settling back on solid earth. Sparkling and tantalizing, the allure of time to myself sustained me during another busy week.

It’s a season in which I need to make a conscious decision to hand worry and fear over in spite of how I might feel. God has been faithful to help me recognize those for what they are─tactics from the enemy to interfere with God’s plan.

I can’t carry worry and fear. They’d consume me. Be anxious for nothing. Be strong and courageous. Rest and trust in Him. That’s how Scripture directs.

Following that advice, I took a reprieve. Even as I stole out of work for a much-needed half day off, my parting words were, “I feel like a kid playing hookie from school.” But I was happily skipping off for some rest and relaxation in a manner meaningful to me.

The ability to abide in God’s prescribed rest and relaxation in spite of all that is looming tells me God has been working in me. I can’t sustain operating from an empty well and expect to be able to give anyone anything, let alone my best. I need my rest. I need simple pleasures that bring me joy. They aren’t selfish. They are gifts from God to sustain.

I need His sustaining power. My guess is you do too. We all have something big on our plates. If not now, we will.

I know a woman whose husband has altzheimers. That’s hard. I have a friend with four adventurous kids, and they are forever having to go to the ER. That’s hard. I have a friend whose child struggles with addiction. That’s hard. I have a friend who has had an awful custody battle over her children. That’s hard. I have a friend who has a prodigal child. That’s hard. There’s a whole lot of hard things we have to walk through in this world.

Revelation: the harder the thing, the more we need to make sure we have sufficient rest and relaxation. The hard things can deplete us. We need to recharge.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

Psalm 23:1-3a ESV

I was desperate to “lie down” with my Shepherd in a coffee shop full of still waters and restore my soul. My need to recharge explains my reaction.

My husband called while I was driving home from work before I put my plan into action. Step one of my plan was to pick up the dog and drop him off for a much-needed grooming. He was a hot mess! (The dog, not my husband.)

Step two of my plan was to head over to Hidden Pearl coffee shop, tuck away in a corner, and write to my heart’s content (or at least until the groomer called and said Enoch was looking fresh and lovely).

Writing transports me to my “happy place”. Often God meets me there. It’s been hard to carve out creative time. I had been intentional in my plan to do so this day. Self-care to sustain me. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ah, Ah, Ah — not so fast.

Sam – “I’ve got the afternoon off. I thought we could go to dinner (In my mind –‘At 3 in the afternoon?’) or we could go shopping while Enoch is getting groomed.” (In my mind, ‘I don’t want to go shopping. I want to do what I planned.’)

As an aside, you know a woman needs R&R when she has no desire to go shopping!

I got quiet as I wrestled to understand my feelings before responding. I love my husband. I want to spend time with him. So why was I feeling resentment? While this wasn’t reality, I felt an expectation to forgo my much-needed afternoon, because his plans had changed.

I was disappointed about the infringement upon my mini self-care retreat. I didn’t like feeling as if I had to accommodate someone else’s schedule change and forgo the very thing that would refuel me.

Mind you, Sam knew nothing of my plans. I hadn’t shared them. Normally, he’d have been at work, so I hadn’t felt the need.

When I told him what I had planned and how I was wrestling through emotions, he said I could keep my plans. Then guilt ratcheted up twisting me tight into its grip. We haven’t spent much time together. We’ve both been busy.

I quickly realized my feelings were rooted in false guilt like we’d talked about not too long ago in small group. It was absolutely okay I had plans to take care of myself. It was absolutely okay I had a time of refueling on my calendar. And it was absolutely okay if I told my husband “no”.

I needed to say no so that later I could say yes ─ to him and to others.

I’m not suggesting we never interrupt our plans. We should hold them loosely and listen to the leading of God when He wants us to release them. But in this instance, I was not feeling that prompting. It was the opposite. The enemy wanted me to feel guilty, when God wanted me to refuel.

The interesting thing is, as I was saying “no” to running errands, shopping, and a dinner that would have missed the five o’clock senior citizen rush, I got to say “yes”. Yes to myself. But also yes to my husband.

We worked out the perfect solution (thanks to Jesus for His quick answer to my silent prayer). I had no objections to my husband joining me at the coffee shop. He could do his thing. I could do mine. We could enjoy being at the same place at the same time. We did. I wrote. He did some projects. We sipped coffee in silence.

Self-care stayed on the calendar with a minor adjustment.

There’s an important fact about our little two letter word NO (and our ability to say it without remorse). To wrap up, here’s a few scribbles from the pages of my journal. I pray you are able to apply these principles to your life as well.

I need to know what I need and ensure I get what I need. Not in some grab-and-go, selfish, stealing kind of way. No. In a nurturing of self, sort of way — loving myself so that I can love others. In order to do that, there needs to be a “no” said to others — even others you love. … This is about me knowing what I need enough to say no.

Do you know what you need enough to say no? How is God asking you to grow in your awareness to know what you need? When do you find it difficult to say no?

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.