Hello, friend! Welcome back! If you haven’t seen the preceding posts on this month’s topic, you can catch Tracy’s here Jennifer’s here. We hope you love the topic of connection. Has it been encouraging to you, too? It’s our honor to introduce you to our friend, Lisa Kohut, this week at FACETS. She is a professional in her field, and we think you might like the wisdom nuggets she’s got for you.
L.A. Law, Law & Order, The Practice, Boston Legal, and Ally McBeal are just a few of the many TV shows about justice. Our culture’s fascination with this type of shows reveals the heart’s desire and passion for justice, which is a form of correction.
Before answering this topic’s question, I think it’s important to define the most important terms we’re talking about (correction and connection).
In Hebrew, the word musar means Fatherly correction, and correction is intended to be a form of discipline, which is very important in developing character and self-control. It’s to fix an error.
According to the Webster’s Dictionary, connection is “to become joined; it’s a link, relationship, an association, or an attachment.” Clearly, connection is about relationship in the sense of being joined to someone. We were definitely created in the image of a very relational Being—Our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and Holy Spirit—who invites us to join with Him through love.
1 John 4:18 (NIV) states “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I believe this scripture answers the question for us. If we begin to prioritize and emphasize correction before connection or rules and punishment before relationship and connection, we will be in the business of creating fear instead of love.
God is in the business of destroying or eradicating fear because it causes more sin instead of less. Holy Spirit is clearly in the business of creating bonds with us and between us, which is why we even have a bonding hormone called oxytocin. The more bonded or connected we are to God and others, the less intimidating correction and rules are.
Connection is what helps us know we don’t have to go through the correction alone. For example, I used to work in a therapeutic school with high school students who were struggling emotionally, behaviorally, or academically; and when they were rebelling or acting outside of their true identity in some way, those of us who already had relationships with them were the ones the other staff and these students would call on while they were in crisis. Relationship or love was the only thing that could reach them.
Jesus was our perfect model, and He always connected before correcting. As a matter of fact, often His connection or love was so strong the person corrected themselves and correction wasn’t needed from the outside, which is the best model.
In Luke 19, Jesus saw Zaccheus in the tree and knew he was a chief tax collector who had stolen from people and cheated them. Jesus noticed Zaccheus and told him to come down from the tree because He was going to be a guest in his home that day. Jesus didn’t correct Zaccheus; instead, He connected first by expressing His desire to spend time eating dinner with Zaccheus at his home. Jesus’ love and connection provoked Zaccheus to confess and repent, offering to give half of his wealth to the poor and to give back four times to anyone he had cheated.
Many of us have a knee jerk reaction to the mistakes of others with some form of punishment or judgment for fear that, if we don’t, they won’t learn. The true key to changing behavior is to first respond in and from love and connection in partnership with Holy Spirit. Then we watch the person’s heart change.
Whether it’s your children, co-worker, spouse, parents or friends the answer is connection before correction. It does matter! Let’s make the decision to connect first and correct last, but also trust that sometimes the connection is the correction when the connection alone causes one to avoid doing things that would cause disappointment to someone you’re in relationship with.
Finally, both connection and correction are important, but for relationship sake, let’s implement them in their right order. Let’s focus on connecting and building relationships before we move over to correction.
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