Is it really safe to be me?

Welcome to FACETS of Faith and our exploration of vulnerability through women’s stories of strength and resilience.  I (Tracy) can’t wait to share Julie Jeffrey with you. She is beautiful in spirit and has eyes you could wade through – stunning.  I find it interesting the original photo she selected hid her face.  (She didn’t know what image God had led us to use for this series.) I took the liberty of choosing a different photo of her, because she is beautiful and her smile radiates. I felt God wanted you all to see her, really see her.  See her physically. See her in her story. See her in the glorious redemption God has brought in her life. (Her pic is at the end of the piece.)

There is something powerful about redemption. It’s where God’s glory is revealed and hope is breathed anew in each of us. When we see what IS possible with God, we believe Him more and more for big things in our own lives.  So sit back and read for yourself about the power of God at work in one woman’s life.  We have a big God, my friends!  Truly, One we can’t fathom even as we can know Him personally.  Meet my sweet friend Julie as she shares her story with strength and dignity.

 

The easiest way for me to answer the question Is it really safe to be me is to open with a scripture I wear on my heart like a married woman wears a ring on her hand! “God is within her, she will not fall.” Psalm 46:5.  Getting vulnerable with God is pretty easy for me.  Getting vulnerable with other people, much harder.

To put it simply, I am a child of God. I am a single mother. I am a woman with a heart bigger than the whole outdoors but, and this is the hard part: I am also a recovering addict. A thankful, grateful recovering addict. I have heard the labels: junkie, druggie, loser, crackhead. You name it, I have probably been called it. Did it hurt? Absolutely. Even in my haze and fog the labels cut like a knife. Because that is not who I really am. That is not God’s plan or purpose for me. I realized that when I spiraled out of control and stopped eating. When my then 5-year-old daughter looked at me and told me, “I miss my smiling mommy. I wish you would eat again.” When my dad said he was going to be burying his firstborn daughter in 6 months’ time, and he didn’t want to be around me because it would hurt less to lose me, I knew this was not the life I was supposed to be living. Those, along with the demons in my head used to tell me I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t worthy. I hid from my feelings of inadequacy and then felt ashamed because I used. Deep inside I knew that was not my purpose in life. I would cry. I would pray. I would beg my family not to give up on me, but I had given up on myself.

Then there was God. He never ever gave up on me. I know He was with me when I had used too much and should have overdosed, yet still lived. I didn’t know it then, but I do know now. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18  I was as brokenhearted as a person could be.

Little did I know, all I had to do was cry out to Him. He was always waiting, always ready. I had to surrender. I had to cry out to Him. And I did.  One night in February of 2018 I decided I was ready to be done. I had literally been physically beaten, assaulted in a violent way. I had lied to family to get money to pay these dealers back. I wanted to be free of this ever-tightening grip that addiction, and all that came with it, had on me and my life. I looked down at my little girl with tears in her eyes, my teenage son was just done with me. I walked into the bathroom.  I got down on the floor and for a good 30 minutes, I cried and prayed. I reached out to God, to Jesus to anyone listening . The prayer was to take my life or take this addiction. After 30 minutes of that, I got up and went out to where my kids were. I hugged my son who tried to shrug away from me. I hugged my little girl who held me tighter than anyone ever has, and we went in and laid down. I woke up the next morning with a purse full of pills, drugs, and paraphernalia and could have easily started the whole cycle over again. In my heart, I heard, “You know what to do.”  So, without hesitation, I disposed of every pill, every drug, every item related to it and called my family to admit to them I had a problem that I could not deal with by myself.

My sister immediately came out, and we set up a family meeting that weekend. I prayed every single morning, noon, and night that whole week. I didn’t use. I felt a sense of peace I had never experienced before, and I now recognize as God’s love and spirit. By the time the weekend came, I had already been eating and sleeping. I had been totally transparent with my family. I had attended 4 NA meetings that I had to walk to because I had no car at the time. I also started therapy. The meeting was not the negative experience I thought it was going to be.  I don’t remember the exact words that were said or who spoke first, but what does stick out to me is my uncle. A man of so few words and a man who hides his emotions, he had tears in his eyes when he told me he had been distancing himself from me because it was too painful to watch me slowly dying. He told me the story of how I had pneumonia as a little baby and he laid by my crib every night just to make sure I was breathing. Then he offered me something that changed my life even more: the chance to ride with him to church every Sunday! It was a small, beautiful church on a hill and when I walked through the doors, I felt surrounded by love and kindness. “Three things will last forever-faith, hope and love-and the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

Every person in that tiny church seemed so happy to see me, to meet me. I have never felt such an outpouring of love. I knew I wanted more. I even asked the Pastor how to become a Christian! I got my sponsor there in the church, started going to their Thursday Christian recovery group, and eventually I even got a job and saved up enough money to buy a car. Once that happened, I wasn’t just at the Sunday services, I went to ladies Bible study on Mondays, Wednesday service, Christian 12 step on Thursday, and Sunday services. I just could not get enough of any of it. God, the people, the messages, the worship songs all were what I needed to keep walking in victory. My little girl came with as well, and her life has changed too. Once my family saw the changes were sticking, some of them even started coming. My uncle, my brother-in-law and I all got baptized by the Pastor!

The journey to who I am now started February 18, 2018, my sober date. I have so much more to learn though! Jesus is my Lord and Savior. He saved my life from certain death, but even more than that, through him and through the love and support of the people at the church and the different programs, I am growing every day. I am moving forward toward the person I was created to be. I am not just staying sober, but I am coming alive. Learning, growing, changing. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away.”  2 Corinthians 5:17

That is how I feel, brand new. I love Jesus. I know Jesus loves me! He loves us all so much that He gave his life for us. I well up with tears when I think about that. Knowing how much He gave for all of us makes me strive to live according to the 10 Commandments and God’s word. I am not perfect, not even close, but I have a heart for the Lord, and my daughter and I will serve the Lord. Maybe, just maybe, some of my loved ones who haven’t done so yet, will also serve the Lord too. I am thankful, grateful and blessed! I am a child of God, and I am not my mistakes. I am God’s masterpiece, but also a work in progress.

Join us in the conversation on FACETS of Faith’s Facebook page. Share how Julie’s story has impacted you. I’m sure it would bless her to know.

Need help?

If you need help with a substance abuse problem, seek help and support.  Together, with Christ, recovery is possible.  Julie is one of God’s walking miracles that prove that very fact.  Many churches offer recovery support, as do Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. You are not alone. Immanuel, God is with you on this journey.