Facets of Faith

Intimacy: Turn the Lights On

07.23.2019 by Eliza LaBelle //

Hey, friend! Our topic this month has been intimacy, and many of us know the challenges that can swirl around it. Tracy and I (Jennifer) shared thoughts (click on the names to read the posts). Today I am so very honored to introduce you to my very precious friend, Eliza LaBelle. She has spoken truth into my life and the lives of many women. She is brave and bold and gentle and offers truth and wisdom when she’s invited. The Facets team invited her here because we believe her thoughts on intimacy in marriage will bless you. Please welcome her to this beautiful place.

Intimacy. Yikes. What does the thought of intimacy spark in you? Does it draw your memory back to a profoundly beautiful moment with your spouse or does it make you cringe a little? Marital intimacy is a window into the soul. This window, however, is often shrouded by shame, fear and pain. What was meant to be beautiful often lends itself to heartache and disappointment.

“For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility…” Ephesians 2:14

The dividing wall of hostility, constructed from a broken past, creates a barrier between you and your husband. Each brick a hurt, hang-up, abuse, grief or disappointment that separates you from being seen, known, and loved in the way that you long for. They inhibit you from fully giving yourself to your spouse and rob you of peace.

What if together you deconstruct the wall? Can you imagine, instead, a beautiful winding road to intimacy paved with bricks of your story? What if healing happened while wrapped in the arms of your beloved?

That’s my story.

“They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated…” Isaiah 61:4

“Do you trust me? Do you trust our marriage?” This gentle question asked in the dark of night exposed a truth that my husband and I needed to talk though. Just as our relationship with God is a covenant, so is our marriage. We agreed that night to trust the covenant, which meant trusting each other with our stories, our sin, our successes and failures. While easy early on in our marriage, lack of intentionality eroded trust. There was not a big event, just time taking its toll on a tired couple. That conversation was a turning point in our marriage. There was a wall between us that needed to be dismantled with tenderness and care. We were 10 years into a lifetime, loved each other and loved being married but knew that there was more.

When God invites us to revisit the ancient ruins it is not for the purpose of preservation it is about rebuilding.

“I am making all things new.” Revelation 21:5

That promise gives me so much hope. I am making your heart new. I am making his heart new. I am making your marriage new. I am making intimacy new. Thank you, Jesus.

Sex is both exciting and scary. It is a beautiful mystery. God created sex and even said do it often. Yet the thought of it sends many women reeling. It often evokes feelings of inadequacy and shame and conjures up memories that come to bed with us, stealing peace and the joy of the moment, and adds a brick in the wall that divides your heart from his. This is certainly not God’s design. There has to be more.

I am made in the image and likeness of God, and my husband is made in the image and likeness of God—each created to be an extension of God’s love, grace, kindness, mercy and healing to the other through our marriage. We are a cord of three strands with God at the center. We believe that he takes great delight in us and desires for us to delight in each other. He created sex for us, so sex must reveal something about God and what he wants for us. Just a quick glance through Song of Solomon gives a glimpse of God’s intention. Intimacy, including sex, should satisfy a longing for connection, it should make you feel cherished, beautiful, and strong among other things. Through the touch of her husband, a woman should experience the heart of God for her. When the storm is raging around you, sex is source of comfort. When your day is joy-filled, sex is a celebration.

The difference between the two scenarios is what you do with the bricks that make up your story. At our core, I think every person longs to be seen, known, and fully loved. Can you, together with your husband, take a brick out of the wall, examine it, grieve it, and place it in the walkway that leads to the throne room of Christ? One by one, as your bricks are removed, the window to your soul is opened allowing the glory of God to shine in, around, and through you. This is the path to healing. This is where intimacy is built. In to me see. Look into my soul and love me. Know my story, complete with faults and failures, and love me. See me, naked and unashamed; and take delight, and I will delight in you.

If I could encourage you in one way, it would be to pray in earnest for your marriage and for your sex life. Turn the lights on, keep your eyes open, and pray with your husband. Link your hands and, forehead to forehead, reclaim your marital bed. Ask Holy Spirit to come and fill your space. Take back what Satan has stolen from you, Beloved. Lay your bricks down, weep, mourn, run to the cross together, and rebuild. Stand firm in your identity as a daughter of the King, chosen, sealed, redeemed and loved. Do this naked and unashamed in the arms of your lover between the sheets…God is not ashamed of you.

Have thoughts? Share below or at the Facebook Page.

Intimacy: Life in Relationship

07.09.2019 by Jennifer Howe //

Welcome to Facets, friend. This month we’re thinking about intimacy in marriage, but I think we’ve discovered truths that apply to a variety of relationships. If you’re single or single again, please don’t run away quick. Find the nuggets from the posts that work in life and apply them. Better yet, think about kicking ideas around with us in the comments. We’d all love to hear your thoughts!

Can I be honest? The topic of intimacy has appeared more than once at Facets, and I (Jennifer) practically break out in a cold sweat every time I know we’re leaning into it. Tracy and Kim gently and joyfully support me as I tip-toe into the water. I’ve shared with my closest friends why I want to balk, just not publicly because I usually feel shame. It’s time to be appropriately vulnerable. I guard the sensitive details of my story, and I keep my “dirty laundry” where it belongs. I endured several forms of relational abuse long before I met my husband, and as much as I’d love to say it’s all in the past, painful things can echo into the present. I’m some distance from writing on “love-is-a-three-letter-word” or relational vulnerability with any strength.

Can I also be candid? We need an inner circle of friends to be gut-level honest with. When inner voices try to convince us the past is a living, fire-breathing dragon overwhelming the present and future, we need strong women to speak truth: the God of the universe is the God who was, is, and is to come—the One who knows our past, present, and future. Only He can heal our heart, mind, body, and soul. He deals with the root emotions that interfere in relationships. My root emotion is often fear. By God’s grace, I’m growing in vulnerability with my inner circle.

Friend, if you struggle with a healthy view of the topic of relational intimacy at any level, know this—I see you, and now you see me. I’d do coffee with you if I could.

Now, on to a fuller definition of intimacy…

It’s vulnerable to be intimate in every context of relationship. I’m not focusing on the physical here (which I feel is the most vulnerable). Revealing my true self to another allows someone to see into the deeper parts reserved for safe people. There’s the crux of it: opening up to safe people. Not everyone proves to be safe. A choice looms—will I do life alone or in relationship? I might prefer to take on the world alone, but that’s not in relationship. Keeping the independent, survivor-thriver mindset in the space where intimacy should be kills anything that might live there. (I’ve had experience with that.)

Relationship: it takes two.
Synergy. That’s what happens when two people come together, share a common goal, and do more together than they could alone. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. That can happen in healthy relationships. A romantic path often starts at friendship and winds through dating to unity in marriage, but every healthy relationship can be synergistic.

The best parts of an intimate relationship’s early days might be like mine with Tony: long, late-night talks at Denny’s, falling asleep during phone conversations before bed, and “date nights” over dinner at home. At the friendship level frequent, long coffee conversations can be a springboard to deeper connection. It’s all about regular, appropriately vulnerable communication in relationship. Some believe the early connection “magic” is brief, and that makes sense. It’s all new and fun, and difficult conversations haven’t hit the radar. Yet.

Common threads.
The strongest threads in a relationship are the common ones. My husband and I shared many things in the beginning: life at church, forty or so junior high students in youth group, and singing on a team together. When we no longer spent time with the students, and when we no long sang together, what was left? Church life and home life. One of the most meaningful friendships in my life began with writing, parenting, and a 3-day training, but it eventually encompassed much more. All that’s necessary for a relationship to go deeper is regular, safe communication. I learned it didn’t require large chunks of time, just intentionality.

Close relationships begin over common threads, but one thing stands out to me: connections that focus on an activity may come and go; those that focus on the person and regular, safe connection flex with age, stage of life, and skill set.

Responsibility is shared.
“Sin-ergy” is my made-up word. I used to say wicked-quick and matter-of-factly, “Marriage is double the sin in half the space.” In the worst moments, I’d tag with, “Quit sinning in my space.” (Not proud of that.) The reality is, two people in relationship likely make mistakes or act in ways contrary to God’s design (sin), and it may or may not be intentional. Challenges are givens.

When things go sideways in relationship, responsibility to repair is shared. Truthfully, when I feel like the problem isn’t my fault, I can find it easier to consider chess moves and word weapons, stew over the situation, or walk away and wait for someone to say something. That’s shirking my part, and I want to fight the urge to be self-centered in those ways.

Friend, if we are reconciled to God through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, let’s bring God’s reconciliation into every human relationship. (See 2 Corinthians 5.) Be reconciled to God, your spouse, and others.

Fight for—not with.
The best wisdom I’ve heard sort of culminates in those four words. When drift happens, and it will, there’s a response. It’s not uncommon for big emotions to take center stage.

“I didn’t get married for this.”
“The busyness is killing me. Do you know how lonely I am?”
“The children…”
“I never see you anymore.”

When big emotions gain momentum in my life, there’s a word that pops up: I. When I choose to fight for me, that’s not intimacy. It’s divisive and polarizing; I’m fighting with another. When I choose to come alongside and engage for the relationship and the other person, that’s connecting and fighting for another.

‘For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.’ Deuteronomy 20:4

God does that for us, and we should do it for the people in our lives. Go with. Fight for. Defeat enemies together. Share the victory.

You & me and God makes three.
I can’t “fake it till I make it” in relationship. (I’ve tried.) An appropriately vulnerable, intimate relationship between two flawed people has challenges. I’m certain God’s beautiful design for vulnerability and intimacy in relationship requires His presence. The Designer offers a blueprint to relationship which we can follow by reading what the Bible has to say about relationship to Him and the people in our lives. Every relationship can be a cord of three, in my mind.

We might think about these things as we hope to grow in relational intimacy:

Come out of hiding to connect authentically with another.
Find an inner circle to be gut-level honest with.
Leverage common threads, but focus on the other person beyond any activities.
Fight for one another through healthy connection and reconciliation.
Remember God’s design can guide and heal every relationship (especially spousal).

Thanks for reading. I just want you to know how precious it is to reach you through Facets. It’s an honor to share! Will you share your heart with us? Pop a comment below or at our Facebook Page. Know someone who would love to read Facets? Share away!

How Do We Grow in Intimacy?

07.02.2019 by Tracy Stella //

Welcome to FACETS of Faith, sweet friends! Whether you are a new friend, or someone who has been with us on this journey for quite some time, I (Tracy) pray God meets you right where you are. It’s not by mistake God has brought you to these pages. I pray you feel God’s loving, warm embrace upon you as your eyes and heart absorb what He has for you.

Depending on your perspective, this topic might stir a host of emotion. You could be enthusiastic about the idea of intimacy.

If you’ve had tragedy in this area, you could be terrified at the mere mention of the word. Please don’t check out if that’s you. Hang in there. Let’s see what healing and restoration God desires to bring to your life. You are BRAVE, sweet one!

Perhaps you’re somewhere in the middle, a little indifferent to the thought of intimacy. Maybe you’re unaware there’s a snag in beliefs you have long held as truth. Maybe what you’ve believed for a lifetime isn’t what you once thought when you turn beliefs over and see what lies beneath.

Intimacy can be beautiful. Pure, sweet, love extended to our marital partner. The counterfeit, worldly version can leave us wanting more. Because there is more when we’re rooted and grounded in Christ’s love.

Truth be told, as we tossed out the idea of writing on this topic, some of the FACETS team was more than a little apprehensive. So, if that’s how you are feeling, know that you are not alone. There’s comfort in that thought, right?

For me personally, I embrace the idea of intimacy when it means intellectual connection, when it means experience of fun things together, but sexual intimacy stirs up a whole pot of feelings that, in some regard, my initial internal response is to run.

Life experience used to tell me men wanted one thing and my job was to give it to them. I deeply desired someone to love me, but struggled with the idea I was even worthy of love. The more years under my belt, the more deeply engrained those lies became. I grew to believe I was only as valuable as how I made the other person feel. And because I allowed my misguided attempts at love to guide my decisions, sadly, it was a self-fulfilling prophesy. Very often I attracted the wrong type of man, the one who only wanted to use me for what I could give him and then move on.

Not everyone in my life fell into that category, but many did.

This internal belief only served to create a deeper root of insecurity. I put a lot of pressure on myself to look a certain way, to do certain things – performance more than genuine, intimate connection.

If someone could have looked inside my heart, they would have seen a grieving young girl that grew into a grieving, love-starved woman. As years progressed, I became more and more broken. I became what I thought I was worth.

If we don’t value ourselves. No one else will either.

I also possessed a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors. It all came down to me feeling not good enough, so I’d engage in behaviors that were sure to prove my theory true.

At some point anger set in as well. I was mad about how I’d been treated, about the things certain people said or did. There were deep scars that served to scream at me. Unworthy! Unlovable! Not enough!

I was raped at a party and disassociated from the memory for a long time, even though I had attempted suicide because of that incident. There’s a cumulative effect of life’s trials. All the layers of mine had added up to despair. I was in a relationship with a “good guy”, but after the rape incident, my body and my mind couldn’t carry the weight of it all.

I sabotaged the relationship, because of the depths of depression I was sinking in. It was suffocating, and I wouldn’t have been able to even tell you why. Only my journals revealed the truth. Years later, when I read the words I’d written long before my eyes could handle reading them, I sighed a sigh of relief. Somehow, things began to make sense. Not crazy. Deeply wounded and in need of God’s loving, healing hands that never hurt. His embrace always sweet. Pure. Innocent. Love. Good intentions from the day He created you and me in our mother’s wombs.

Another journal from 3^rd grade revealed inappropriate adult attention from a neighbor. I wasn’t sure if my mind was making it up and reading too much into the words I saw in my “little girl” journal. I was able to verify through someone else who also spent a lot of time with this individual that he had done inappropriate things to us both. As sad as that made me feel for the little girl who used to be me, I was grateful for the puzzle piece to my story.

When we’re ready for the details, they can bring clarity and relief. These insights can’t be rushed or provoked. I believe it’s all in God’s good timing. He shows up as truth mixed with love when we have the capacity to see it, to process it without being undone because of it.

As part of my story, I had an abortion. The unknown trauma that decision caused me came to light a number of years ago (and decades after my decision) when God brought me through a healing journey. I received His forgiveness and was given the opportunity to grieve the loss of my child. I’m glad eternity is long. Time will give us the chance to get to know one another while worshipping Jesus together.

God is merciful to forgive repentant hearts from things we may think are beyond His reach. Even more beautiful? His grace takes our worst sin and works it together for our good. Sharing about my bad decision has helped others to make a good one. Each child’s life saved because sharing of story is a picture of God’s grace. It’s LAVISH, my friends!

Sex used to be my misguided attempt to give and receive love. I really had no concept of what genuine, sacrificial, Christ-shaped love looked like. I thought if I used my body to appeal to men they would love me. Instead, I was so often left feeling unloved and rejected (even if the relationship were longer). I came to believe my worth and value to a man was calculated by how I made him feel.

This and probably a scroll’s worth of sin I brought into my marriage.

My life has shaped me, but it doesn’t define me. Christ does! For you too. Nothing you have done, nothing that has been done to you, is beyond His redemption.

His blood covers my sin and shame. In fact, He blows those things to smithereens. It’s one of the reasons I’m genuinely grateful to God for what He has done in my life. His grace is the only reason I can write about my past without feeling condemned by it.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.─Ephesians 4:32

I have been forgiven much. I had to forgive much. God’s grace helped (and helps) me to not only extend forgiveness but receive it as well. When you have spent a large chunk of your life feeling unworthy, Christ’s grace makes sure you believe you are. Worthy of forgiveness. Worthy of love. Worthy of His time and undivided attention. Worthy of so much more than what we think or imagine.

He wants us to run to Him with our wounds, to rest secure in His arms. He is Counselor. He is Physician. He is Friend. He is our Husband. As children of God, we are His bride.

When you have a past as bumpy as the road I’ve travelled, the only way to feel worthy of the beauty and grace that is God and all He has for us is by losing ourselves in His immense love. If you’ve never experienced the love of God, I pray you are open enough to the idea of Him to receive it. He is Beautiful. Pure. True. Untainted.

He gives us power and strength to peer into our past for the purpose of a bright, beautiful, and hopeful future.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”─Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Even if you don’t believe you are worthy, even if you don’t believe those words could be true for you, if you have only a morsel of hope and belief they are true for you, that is enough. I pray God grows your belief into the fullness of reality that you are worthy. Valuable. Priceless and treasured.

I know this is possible, because He took this once broken woman and gave me a hope for my future. My life is good, pure, sweet and true, because I’m following the One who is Good, Pure, Sweet and True. He brings peace, and love, healing, and redemption.

He makes all things beautiful in their time.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.─Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV

Friends, we can’t fathom the goodness God desires to give us here on earth and for all eternity.

He does give us glimpses.

God gave me a new vision of love and marriage when He brought Sam into my life. From my past and the way I used to create favor with men, God didn’t allow me to use those tactics. He wanted Sam and I to do things differently. I’m so grateful for that!

Because Sam and I weren’t relying on physical intimacy, we created genuine intimacy. I do believe other than God, he knows me best. He knows me better than anyone else ever has. And sometimes he even knows me better than I know myself.

Because we didn’t rely on physical intimacy, I had no choice but to use new tools (mostly a dependency on God to help me walk out a Christian relationship). I prayed God would help me. And He did. And He does.

When there have been challenges Sam and I have had to navigate, as are inevitable in life, we have a strong foundation. Our relationship is built on Christ, the solid rock on which we stand. From that vantage point, His loving hand strengthens and encourages us to continue forward in this loving one another well thing. Really. Truly. Deeply. Flawed and imperfect, but genuine and real. My mask is off. I’m me and I hope he always feels he can be Sam. In the world we might not always be able to wear our heart on our sleeve, but I hope with one another we always will.

Merriam Webster’s definition of intimacy says intimacy is:

marked by a warm friendship developing through long association
suggesting informal warmth or privacy
engaged in, involving, or marked by sex or sexual relations

In aggregate, these make for a brilliant, wonderful marriage. We need friendship first through long association. Friendship isn’t confused by physicality and endorphins. Friendship says, “I see you for who you really are. I like you. I like spending time with you. It could be anything, really, as long as we are together.”

Genuine intimacy also requires warmth and privacy. In a marital bond with Christ leading and guiding, there is a genuine caring and concern. Because Christ lives in us, we possess His nature. He is love. He is trustworthy. He is safe. As husbands and wives, we need to be that for one another. If there has been a breach in trust for any reason, seek to make restoration. Seek forgiveness or seek God to give it to your spouse. It’s not easy. But it’s possible. Trust is built over time, through long association. Little by little, brick by brick, the house Love builds can withstand life’s storms.

While God calls me to share openly and vulnerably sometimes (to help others and to bring deeper healing to me), Sam is most often made aware of my heart long, long before I write or speak about a topic. Sam is kind. He is tender. He holds my hurts and heart gently. Over the course of our long association I have learned I can trust him. At first it felt monumental to share pieces of me and my story, like cliff diving into an unknown sea. Now it feels safe to share with Sam. I can be in my jammies armed with a box of Kleenex, looking a hot mess and know that his heart is for me.

Honestly, the physical nature of our relationship is hardest for me. There’s much hurt and brokenness there on my part, distortion of what is pure, lovely, and true.

God created sex. Satan tainted it. God has grown me to look at sex more through His eyes. At first it was a lot of the “thou shalt nots” being given─not from a distant, dictating God. Guidance given from a loving Father who only wants what’s best for me.

If you don’t know Him or just need reminding,

God wants what’s best for you!

For awhile, I had a hard time distancing myself from memories I didn’t want to linger. I didn’t want reminders of those experiences determined to try to define me. The enemy loved to torment me with those thoughts and doubts. But God brought deliverance and freedom. Years in God’s Word. Years in the school of the Holy Spirit, being comforted by Him and reassured there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Receiving His love and healing. Helping others. These all served to set me free.

Christ gave me freedom. And when I need reminding, He gives me freedom. Sometimes he brings me to new depths of freedom, each time less to hinder me. Growth in the soil of God’s goodness.

God helps me to experience sex as intimacy, not as an act. Acting I was good at. Intimacy I’m growing to become good at. It doesn’t happen over night, it happens in increments. Imagine a bucket on the beach. Little by little you fill it with sand. Eventually it is full. Eventually it overflows. Intimacy is like that.

If you have a story like mine, intimacy isn’t easy. But it if you have a story like mine and God is in the equation, intimacy is possible.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”─Matthew 19:26 NIV

Jesus looks at you.

Jesus looks at you and says, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Lord, help each person whose eyes read this to fear not, to know that You are with them. Help them to be not dismayed. Help them to know You. Strengthen each one. Help them and uphold them with Your righteous right hand. In Jesus’ name, amen!

“Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

─Isaiah 41:10 NKJV

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