Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

Difficult People: Meet, Pray, Love?

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Hi friends, it’s Thanksgiving time! I (Jennifer) love that a day is marked on the American calendar to count good things, but I hope you aren’t grateful just once a year. Among many, I count my trusted friends, Tracy and Kim, as two favorite blessings. This month Tracy shared on the topic of gratitude here, Kim’s up next week, and then we’re introducing our guest, Hyacynth, the fourth week. Peek on Tuesdays to read the latest posts. Better yet—subscribe to receive e-mails, and you won’t miss a thing! You’ll be glad you did.

I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving Day and a heart full of gratitude for the goodness God has provided for you and those close to you. My list of blessings is a mile long when I intentionally look, but sometimes it’s harder than I want to admit to spot some. This month FACETS focuses on what to do when we encounter difficult people in life. A rough time in relationship with someone, glitches and hitches in what ought to be a smooth interaction, and I find my internal peace melting and running away like butter on a big, ol’ pile of mashed potatoes. Do you have a cycle of frustration with someone you want to change? I do. Do difficult people make your blessings list? *Sigh* That can be a tall order, but I want them to!

I write with the clear reminder: if I can’t find the difficult person in my life, it might be me. If everyone else in my life is difficult, I might consider that I’m the common denominator. So I’m sensitive on two levels—I examine my relationships to be the peacemaker in a difficult interaction, and I need to address my broken relational ways with someone to stop being the difficult half of the interaction. (Whoa! Stuff’s gettin’ real right there, isn’t it?)

Relational tension can be rooted in varied “personality wiring.” It’s not always natural for opposites to interact (though, I hear they attract). Consider that, but I’m thinking about something else. I’m concerned about harmful words or actions that bruise and break relationships. Depending on the damage, we may label people in strong terms: source of frustration, annoyance, adversary, or enemy.

So what do we do when we encounter a difficult person—or even more intense versions of “difficult”?

I’ve had trouble of late, so I searched the Scriptures for wisdom on this very thing. The truth is, I found something I definitely should not do and things I absolutely should. I’m thankful the Bible is clear if I look carefully.

What Not to Do…
Why is it God explicitly states the “do nots”? It’s because He cares—about us and the people we interact with. God’s heart reflects love and care. He doesn’t want pain for us, but it’s part of this broken world. If we’re willing to do what He prescribes, we can spare our hearts some hurt, and we can impact others’ lives positively. So what is His wisdom?

Don’t gloat when your enemy falls, and don’t let your heart rejoice when he stumbles, Proverbs 24:17 CSB

It’s tempting to gloat when someone who has caused us pain falls flat, but we are given specific direction. It’s never right to celebrate someone’s downfall, He says. (Think about this in multiple realms: personal, professional, political, etc.)

And then there’s the flip side.

What We Should Do…
The beauty of the Bible is the clarity on some topics. When it comes to relationships, there is wisdom and straightforward direction.

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; Proverbs 25:21

But if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Romans 12:20

The Complete Jewish Bible words it this way: “fiery coals [of shame].” I notice I’m not responsible for shaming, only the loving way needs are met. Does this display of love sit well with you? I’m thankful these words come at Thanksgiving when eating and drinking is so much a part of the day. What if the choice to share food and drink with a genuinely sensitive, loving heart could be a reality? What if forgiveness made that possible this holiday or any day?

Difficult people in life? Jesus makes it clear—

43 “You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5 [emphasis added]

This is what we should do with the difficult people and extremely difficult people. It’s how we respond to little things (the “small change” of relational stress) and the word or action that cut so deep it scarred the heart, mind, and body. In humility, love and pray. Maybe the hardest choices, they are the things that free us from self-made pain prisons (resentment and anger cause self-inflicted pain for the duration). Choose well. Make the next right choice!

I hope we all embrace the truth here. Choosing love and prayer is never wrong, but it can be hard. Like, the excruciating kind of hard!

On top of meeting needs, loving, and praying; may I suggest a perspective shift? Whether the difficult person is standing in front of you or your own brokenness is troublesome, try seeing things this way:

16 From now on, then, we do not know anyone in a purely human way. Even if we have known Christ in a purely human way, yet now we no longer know Him like that. 17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come. 18 Now everything is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed the message of reconciliation to us. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ; certain that God is appealing through us, we plead on Christ’s behalf, “Be reconciled to God.” 21 He made the One who did not know sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. 2 Corinthians 5 CSB

What if our focus were to reconcile relationships (trying our very best!) in hopes of showing one thing. If the love we received from God through Jesus made enough of an impact that we cared to extend it, would people notice? I have a sneakin’ suspicion they might.

Thanks for reading along, friend! If this post is helpful, that’s a “God thing.” Share away if you think others might be blessed. The FACETS would be thankful!

Signature, Jennifer Howe

What Do You Do When You Have a Giant Turkey in Your Life?

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Welcome to FACETS of Faith. Whether it’s your first visit to our pages or you are a regular reader, thank you for engaging! We pray God meets you across the pages of what He inspires us to write and share. Months in advance we ask for His direction. This month we felt led to explore difficult relationships. We all have them. How we handle them is what will define the amount of peace and joy we have in our lives. Since peace and joy is our prayer for you, our readers, we also pray God speaks to your heart and helps you have the best holiday season with friends and family!

Can you believe it? The holiday season is upon us. ALREADY. Someone told me the other day how many Fridays remain before Christmas. I won’t do that to you here. Who needs that kind of pressure?

As blessed as the holidays can be, aren’t they full of enough pressure all on their own?

Frankly, not everyone considers the holidays a blessing. Some wish it away like wind that brushes through the trees, stirring things up, desiring nothing more than for the leaves to safely settle back into place. When will this wind storm be over?

A number of years ago in a Bible study, I remember a person expressing sentiments like, I just wish the holidays were over already. I don’t like spending time with my family. They are full of drama, and the whole thing drains me dry.

Obviously, there is hurt and offense when that’s the place a person finds him or herself sitting.  The Thanksgiving table (or conference room table) isn’t long enough to separate you from the person you perceive too difficult.

Your best hope seems to be to pray this thing will all be over. Quickly. Please God. Let it be over, so we can get back to normal life where we don’t have to deal with difficult people. Grin and bear it.

Can I challenge you a little on that?

Dealing with difficult people is a daily experience, because there are a lot of broken people in the world who often don’t even realize how they are impacting others.

If they do realize how they hurt others and continue to engage in that behavior, imagine how much they must be hurting inside to keep sabotaging relationships. The well of pain must run deep.

What does God ask us as believers?

If you call yourself a believer, we need to deal with people’s pain (including our own) in a different manner than that of the world.

Our flesh might want to fight back, to defend ourselves, to resist relationship because sometimes it feels too hard. But that’s not what God asks of us.

Actually, He’s not asking.

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.─John 13:34 NLT

God commands us to love. Loving like Jesus calls us to isn’t easy. It’s not simple like buying a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Nope. More like being grateful that God has given us the capacity to love, because He LOVED US FIRST. Because He did and when we really grasp that, love gets a bit easier even through its difficulty.

This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.─John 15:12 NLT

How has God loved you?

It’s an interesting question to consider: How has God loved you?

I encourage you to journal, asking God to help you explore all the ways He has loved you. Let’s each of us get His perspective on LOVE. Even those of us with the best of intentions on loving well, really can’t fully grasp how to love like God.  Remember, His love is high and vast and wide and deep like it says in Ephesians.

But we can ask Him to help us understand and act in alignment with His love. He’ll hear it as a prayer and help us all learn to love one another better.

God wants that from and for us.

Why did He give Eve to Adam? God knew Adam needed a helper, someone to be in relationship with. But remember how they blamed each other when Satan and sin came into the equation? “It’s Satan’s fault.” “It’s Eve’s fault.” And where was Adam when he was supposed to be leading his family? Oh yeah, he wasn’t, and he didn’t take responsibility for his actions.  Let’s not be like them. Finger pointing never helped anyone.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.  Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we can ask or think.─Ephesians 3:18-20 NLT

If there is one thing I’ve learned from my time here on planet earth, it is that most people do not grasp the love of Christ deep down in their hearts. If they did, people would act much kinder to one another. Kind even when we see life from opposite sides of the coin. Kind when we want to cry out. Kind when we wish our own heart wasn’t so broken. Loving each other doesn’t mean we will always agree. It means we’ll love each other anyhow. We’ll love each other with God’s power when ours is insufficient.

That means every day. Because no matter how huge your heart is and how motivated you are to love well, you just won’t be able to without God’s help. But rest assured, He’ll help you.

What is the relational game changer?

I believe the relational game changer is when we experience the love of Christ as Ephesians states. The EXPERIENCE of Christ is what allows me to love others. I don’t always execute on that perfectly, but my heart now is in the right place on that. And that’s a good start. I want to love well, because I have experienced the deep well of God’s love toward me.

Even as I understand His deep love for me, I want and need to understand it more. That understanding is important for me.  It’s also imperative for everyone whose lives mine intersects.

God’s love is too great for any of us to fully understand. Too great! But I challenge you to try to grasp it anyhow. It’s a worthy pursuit.

Whose side are we on?

There’s power in loving well. When we love others well we take power away from the dominion of darkness. The enemy wants hearts to be full of hatred, anger, bitterness, enmity, offense, and unforgiveness. When we choose not to love well, we’re choosing to side with the enemy.

I know that statement sounds harsh. Sorry. Our behavior doesn’t change our position as a child of God. Our behavior doesn’t steal our salvation. But our lack of loving others well (or less than we are called to), does diminish our effectiveness for Christ. It also reduces the likelihood God can use us to the fullest of the potential He has placed within us.

What might be accomplished if we really grasped God’s love?

If every child of God more fully grasped how deeply God loves him or her, we wouldn’t have buildings large enough to house all the people flocking to get near our Shepherd. We’d be like Paul radically transformed by the love of Christ making impact beyond our imagination.

Isn’t that what the last part of our Ephesians scripture says?

through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we can ask or think.

Infinitely more.

What would happen in your church, your family, your community if you experienced God’s love more and then shared it with others? What are you imagining?

Now imagine infinitely more than that. Claim the promise. Infinitely more!

What does our experience of God require?

Once we grasp God’s love for us, our experience of His love requires a response. Our love for Him. Isn’t that how love works? A give and a receive needed from both parties invested in relationship. At its best, yes.

In Jesus’ words: “If you love me, obey my commandments.”─John 14:15 NLT

Perhaps when we love well (and when we don’t) God is showing us something about ourselves. Where are those places within each of us He still needs to touch? Is God showing you a past wound in need of healing? Is He showing you a place in need of restoration? Is He helping to equip you for a new assignment? Does He need you to look at something within, so He can use you and your gifting for more than you can think or imagine?

to accomplish infinitely more than we can ask or think.

What blessing does God have for you this holiday season?

Are you willing to love well to find out?

“Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them .”─John 14:21 NLT

Do you desire to know God more? More personally? Do you desire God to reveal Himself to you? When we are busy loving others, rest assured He will reveal Himself to us.

When I seek Him with intention to love others well, He whispers loud. He leads the way. He says, “This will bless.” “This one will feel loved when you write this.” “This one needs a hug. Go give her one.”

If you want to see God more in your life, love others. He’ll be sure to reveal Himself. Remember, He’s always there, right next to you, within you, all around. But we can see Him best when we are looking in love toward Him and others. When we do, we are blessed in the process. His plan is beautiful.

My prayer for you is that you will live a blessed, beautiful life full of God’s love for yourself and that you share it with others. Sweet, pure, and powerful love.  Love illuminates God’s glory. When we love God and love others well, perhaps there is no higher form of praise we can give Him.

I’ll leave you with Paul’s words to the church of Corinth.

Paul said, “I am not commanding you to do this. But I am testing how genuine your love is by comparing it with the eagerness of the other churches.”─2 Corinthians 8:8 NLT

Are you eager to accept Paul’s challenge?

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Can I Trust God with My Fear?

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This month, I (Tracy) get to share with our FACETS readers one of my favorite people. Meet my friend Megan. She is kind, humble, and attentive and attuned to God’s leading. One of the things I love most about her is her willingness to be brave, in spite of fear, obediently stepping into what God has for her. I have been blessed to know her, and I’d love to pass that blessing on to you, our readers.  Praying you will bravely step through any residual fear in your lives, as you read and are encouraged by Megan’s story.

Fear has been present in many different forms throughout my life. When I was 3 it was anyone (and I mean anyone) who would say “hi” to me. I would hide behind my mom and cry until they went away. My older brother was the opposite. He loved to yell “hi!” to all we passed and then loudly comment how rude they were when they didn’t respond. We were quite the pair.

As I grew up, though, the fears I faced slowly changed form to things like grades, the idea of perpetual singleness, “what if they knew”, back surgery and, sadly, leading worship. So, when I was asked to write in response to Can I trust God when I’m afraid?, it seemed rather appropriate given my long list. It also, though, led to many pages of scribbled words, songs, scriptures and generally incoherent thoughts as I tried to piece together where God was leading. My brain screamed “YES! Of course you can trust God!”, my heart right there behind it wanting so badly to agree, but my actions – they expose the truth.

The truth is, my fear is often much bigger than my trust.

I never thought of myself as a fearful person, even with all the previous listed items. The day someone asked me to help sing with the worship band and my prayers to God didn’t seem to be leading me away from it, was when I came to terms with my unreasonable and unexplainable fear. Standing with a microphone my heart races.   My voice quivers.  All I have practiced slips away. What remains is my doubt and an overwhelming fear. I hear every shaky note magnified by the microphone, hands trembling. Why can I worship freely, joyfully and confidently until someone hands me this silly microphone? It is as if every insecurity and fear I have ever felt chooses that moment to come up to the surface, leaving me incredibly vulnerable, blocking the praises of my heart.

There is something about being vulnerable –exposed, admitting you are imperfect, opening up to rejection.  It is terrifying. It leaves me wanting to be just vulnerable enough I appear real and relatable, while hiding just enough I don’t really have to fear rejection or judgement. “What if they actually knew the real me? All of me?” I want to control my vulnerability, and the response of others. In these moments, my fear is much bigger than my trust.

So, can I trust God in these moments of fear? If I let go of my control, my pride, and my expectations and trust God with all my fears, then what am I left with?

Him.

I am left with my Heavenly Father. My Father who knows me, knows every thought, every fear, and He walks right beside me through all of them – never leaving me. He sees where I am today and he sees me on the other side, already victorious.

This is illustrated well in the story from Matthew 14 where Jesus sent His disciples ahead of Him, across the lake and said He would meet them there. He went up the hills alone to pray, and as night fell, He started walking across the water to meet them. Meanwhile, the disciples were in the boat in the middle of the lake fighting through stormy waves. They were terrified! Then, along comes Jesus, walking by them on the water and His disciples cried out in fear. Jesus said, “Do not be afraid. Take courage. I am here.”

Did Jesus send them out alone into a storm to battle on their own and just show up when He no longer thought they could handle it themselves? I don’t think so. He was asking them to trust Him.

When the disciples saw Jesus walking on water, Peter called out to Him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.” Peter was able to walk towards Jesus on the water until he let himself look back to the storm, was overcome with fear and began to sink.

When Peter called out for help, Jesus immediately reached out to grab him. He didn’t let him drown. Jesus climbed into the boat with them, and His presence stopped the storm.

When Peter’s eyes were focused on Jesus, trusting Jesus, his storm was calmed (and he walked on water!). It was only when he allowed himself to look away he began to fear. Trusting in Jesus overpowered his fear.

I can trust God with my fear, because He is more powerful than my fear. While my fear may come and go, when I cry out to the Lord “Help!” and I focus my eyes on Him, my fear has no power over me. He will not let me drown.

Take reassurance from God’s message to the Israelites, His chosen people, in Isaiah 41:10 (NLT):

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Trust the Lord with your fear, He sees your victory.

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