Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

Love, Hope, and a Sprinkle of Laughter

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We’re talking marriage this month at Facets of Faith, answering the question: how is God helping me bloom through my marriage. Tracy and Jen shared already, be sure to check out their posts. Today it’s my (Kim’s) turn, so here we go!

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me . . . he loves me not.

Last week was the 20th anniversary of my first wedding for a marriage that lasted fourteen years. Fourteen years of holding my breath, slowly plucking at each flower petal as I wondered and waited. He loves me. Chaos and crisis defined most of our years together, until like the failing rose in Beauty and the Beast, the remaining petal shriveled and died. He loves me not.

Marriage scared me. Or more accurately, intimacy did. Could I trust someone with my whole heart again? Was I willing to take the risk of allowing someone near? There was so much pain and sorrow, I wasn’t sure.

A little more than four years ago, in a burst of courage, I signed up for one of those dating websites. Yep, that was me. My divorce was final and I wanted to meet new people. Nervously, I filled out my profile, trying to determine how much to share and what to keep close.

Simple questions like listing the number of kids sent waves of anxiety over me. Who will want to deal with that, I wondered. I decided to stay vague. Vagueness protected. Vagueness kept others at bay.

Emails started filling my inbox. One by one, I hit delete. Until I saw his picture. Peering close, I noticed a child’s hand on his shoulder. Intrigued, I clicked on his profile. There wasn’t much but something in his picture stirred something in me. What the heck, I thought. I hit reply and a tiny shoot broke through the earth.

God had been doing a tender work in me throughout this dark season. He compassionately pulled up weeds of pride and bitterness. He whispered words of love and hope nurturing my soul and restoring the nutrients I so desperately needed to heal my broken heart.

Forgiveness. Compassion. Grace. But I didn’t see the rest of what He was preparing for me, not right away.

Through a series of emails we began to learn about each other, this man and I. We found out we graduated the same year from rival high schools and liked the same cars. We both loved kids and each had a few of our own. Then came the surprise, the one thing I couldn’t ignore.

We both lost a child.

In that moment as I read his words, it looks like we have something else in common, I tasted the grace of God’s goodness. It was as if I were infused with oxygen and could freely breathe again. Not because of this man, but because of how God chose to use this man. That tiny bud began to reach toward the sun. It had been so long . . .

His son, Timmy, died when he was four. He drowned in their swimming pool. My daughter, Emma, died when she was five in a fire that destroyed our home. I remember writing to him that if nothing else, we were going to be good friends. We shared a bond that most, thankfully, do not. We tasted the bitterness of sorrow so deep that changes our very soul.

I often think about that moment, that first bit of connection we felt before we ever met. I tasted hope that day and it was refreshing and good.

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19, NLT

One email led to another until we finally talked on the phone. Eventually, we decided to meet and last month we celebrated our first wedding anniversary. A day, quite honestly, I never thought I’d celebrate again, but only for God’s mercy and grace.

This may sound a little cheesy, but let’s face it, this entire post has that flavor . . . but I feel myself coming alive each day I wake as Russ’s wife. I experienced so much sorrow and death that I became accustomed to its weight around my shoulders. It was like the comfortable sweatshirt I know is ripped and torn, yet feels so safe and warm. Being Russ’s wife helps me learn a new way of life as we embrace the dance of living with grief because he knows it, too.

I never knew being married was like this. I understood the hard part – the in sickness and in bad times. But this good part? The laughter, the fun, the encouragement, the genuine enjoyment? It’s new and like a refreshing rain nourishing the soil God tilled and prepared.

He hugs me at night and whispers I have the best wife ever. It doesn’t matter if I was grumpy or frustrated, if I disciplined his kids or forgot to make dinner. His whispered words of love saturate my mending heart with hope. Hope that marriage is what I thought it could be, hope that two people could not only love each other, but like each other, as well.

My husband stands up for me and protects me. He remains firm when I feel rocked by the waves of fear and anxiety. He longs to provide not only for my needs, but even some of my wants. And he tries to make me smile and laugh every. single. day. Almost to a fault, but it makes me love him even more.

He offers me a glimpse of the love and protection God has for me. I feel safe and secure as I learn more about him, about Jesus, and about myself. I’m beginning to take risks where fear would have won and I’m stepping toward dreams because my husband loves to encourage me on.

Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s ours and it’s good. We brought some carts of baggage to our marriage, but somehow we ended up with a beautiful matching set.

Somehow.

No, God did that . . . that’s how.

I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” Joel 2:25, ESV

How does God speak to you through your spouse? In your marriage? Join the conversation by sharing a comment below or on our Facebook page.

A Seed, Fertilizer, and One Thing Needed in Every Marriage Garden

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Hi, friend! We’re talking about the ways God has helped us bloom in marriage this month. Tracy shared a fabulous post last week, Kim will share next week, and we have a precious guest interview post lined up the following week. Don’t miss out! This week, I’m sharing something that applies to all relationships, but especially the marriage relationship. Enjoy!

I (Jennifer) sat sheepishly at the table during our team meeting that night. I got gut-level honest. “I’m not sure what to write about in June. I’ve been growing through marriage for nearly two decades, but I don’t feel confident at all.” Sometimes I’m not sure what I’m able to contribute to the conversation.

Rewind to September 26th 1997. “It’s not about the wedding day,” they said, “It’s the fifty years after that day.” Of course that was true, but I didn’t know what the words meant.

Mid-October married life wasn’t the fairy tale I imagined. The honeymoon was short. The toothpaste tube was a bizarre battleground. We struggled to communicate clearly (and sometimes gently). It wasn’t all bad, but it was harder than I ever dreamed.

Nineteen years ago I married the nicest guy. (Really, I did!) We bought a cute, little Cape Cod home (all 750 square feet of it!) and began our cute, little life together. Already in our late twenties, it felt right to start a family, and I was surprised how quickly that happened. Four days after our first anniversary dinner, our first son was born. Two and a half years later, we bought a larger home and added a second son nine days after moving in. (If it feels like a whirlwind as you read it, living it wasn’t that different.) We’ve lived and schooled in this house for 16 years now.

That’s the short version of our story. That’s not my marriage, really—or is it? Does hitting the ground running influence the rooting and establishing of love at the beginning of a marriage? It may. I know one thing, though: if I did it again, I would only change one thing, and it wouldn’t have anything to do with the storyline’s events. What would I change? I’d change my heart.

“You lose your way when you lose your why.” ~ Michael Hyatt

If anything, I’ve learned marriage is about the fifty years after the wedding day. Most importantly, a why existed before the wedding, was woven into it, and threads through the years that follow. The best marital resources encourage soul exploration and remembrance to the beginning of the relationship. That why was the reason for late-night phone calls, extravagant date nights, and the mix of chick flicks, comedies, and action movies. It was behind the long conversations seated at Denny’s and meandering through the mall, big box stores, and forest preserves. And there was some big why behind my man choosing to take care of the unpleasant things: one day burying a dog, another returning to my place at 11 PM to empty a freshly-set mouse trap. We have our whys, don’t we?

“Flowers need fertilizer.” ~ Kim Findlay

The why we all begin with is a seed, and a beautiful flower can come from it. Whatever grows, though, will need water and a little fertilizer. Sometimes I think the “manure” in life—as annoying as it is—has purpose. Difficult situations forged something in our relationship nothing else would. I’m learning to trust that and not despise the tough stuff. It’s fertilizing, right?

I mentioned I would change something but not the events. You see, I’m learning to acknowledge (and bloom in) something these days: I can be selfish.

“Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. ” ― Stephen Kendrick, The Love Dare

When I’m honest, it’s hard to be gracious, loving, and sacrificial sometimes. It can start with a simple call for respect (not always wrong), but it can twist into an ugly, sculpted caricature of me on a big, old pride base. My spiritual mettle is tested by patient, sacrificial love in marriage and parenting.

“Love is a commitment that will be tested in the most vulnerable areas of spirituality, a commitment that will force you to make some very difficult choices. It is a commitment that demands that you deal with your lust, your greed, your pride, your power, your desire to control, your temper, your patience, and every area of temptation that the Bible clearly talks about. It demands the quality of commitment that Jesus demonstrates in His relationship to us.” ― Ravi Zacharias, I, Isaac, Take Thee, Rebekah: Moving from Romance to Lasting Love

Some days I don’t need to defend myself, my power, or my desire to control. On really good days I am patient, kind and look a little more like 1 Corinthians 13. I’m going to be real with you; these are tough choices. I have so far to grow in that Corinthians passage. I’m hopeful I’m not the only one, but even if I were, you’d need to know the “real Jen.” (Here I am, friends.)

I want to grow in one thing, and I think that would make all the difference in the world in every relationship—not just marriage, but especially marriage!

“Patience gives your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the rough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure.” ―Stephen Kendrick, The Love Dare

Patience in marriage is a precious gift! When a spouse gives it, someone receives time to identify the course correction that may need to be made. Truthfully, I need it as much or more than my husband does. Here’s the great thing: even if he knows I need it more than he does, he won’t say it publicly. I notice the grace and patience I receive. I’ve begun checking my personal growth in that area regularly. The question I sit with now is, “Does this need to be addressed immediately, or can it wait?” Maybe a little time could give me more perspective, better words, or even the course correction I need. More importantly, extra time may give me time to hear the Lord speak.

Do you resonate with this? I know this post is different from previous ones, but it was the thing I had to share. You see, I’m speaking with you—but I’m also speaking to me. You know that, right? While I love 1 Corinthians 13, I knew I had to share something different. Read the passage. See what God says to you in that, but know I leaned into Christian resources for this post because they are the ones that speak to me right now.

I’m conscious that not all our readers are married. I love you all, ladies, but especially those who hang in to this point even when you’re single. I couldn’t love you any more than I do right now. Thank you! For you, I realize the above may be a challenge, but give patience a chance in any relationship, and see how it goes. I think you’ll find it helpful. If you’re looking for my best advice, I think I’ll leave you with this—

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” ―Agatha Christie

Thanks for reading, friend! Contribute to the conversation with comments below or at our Facebook Page. Please share FACETS with your friends on social media, too.

Be blessed!

Signature, Jennifer Howe

How Is God Helping You to Bloom in Your Marriage?

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This month at Facets of Faith we touch upon an area near and dear to my heart─marriage. I (Tracy) know that word hits us all a bit differently. Some may wince from pain etched deep, too many hurts and not enough fingers to keep track of the sorrow from two broken people who don’t quite know how to love one another well.

Sadly, that’s the story of my first marriage. It halted. Like a sun-scorched river, love dried up. I dried up. Eyes of grace (now) see he did too.

No one sets sail for divorce. Sometimes a shipwreck occurs, and divorce’s devastation takes place. Crashed and battered against rock hard as granite, hearts closed off to hope, sinking in despair faster than an anchor tossed overboard. I’ve been there. Without Christ, there’s little hope for a marriage in jeopardy. I didn’t know that then. I appreciate it now. I hold tight to my Anchor, the One that is the Anchor for my soul. (Hebrews 6:19)

My God didn’t leave me shipwrecked, cast upon the shore like a fractured shell worth little value because of her imperfections. The rough edges, He’d soften. Over time. Like grains of sand, sometimes it felt abrasive, because smoothing out the rough edges often is painful. But with God there is purpose in the pain. God’s healing hands hold us close and restore us, making us new.

The fractured places where His hand fuses us back together become stronger, even as they have the potential to make us more beautiful.

Scars healed help us see our Savior as Healer, Lover of our soul (for He is).

Scars healed help us see others through eyes softer. Less judgment, more compassion.

Scars healed help us see ourselves differently, flawed yet somehow more real and relatable, because we’re not the only ones tired of pretending. Many crave authenticity.

My life is good, but it is not perfect. There is not always a cherry on top. I’m grateful it doesn’t always have to be cherry on top perfection to feel real and good.

I used to think that cherry had to be placed just so and, if not, my world might crumble. The problem with that “theology” is it often does.

I got divorced, and I almost nearly died. I thought I’d shrivel and not ever see past the hurt and pain of that loss, even as I pretended I didn’t need to grieve. Grieve? Why? I’m okay, my common refrain back then. Only I wasn’t. I melted faster than ice cream on a warm July day. I contemplated taking my life, because I didn’t see hope for a new one. I’m so grateful God reached in and gave me a reason to live. Him!

Christ Jesus sets a heart held captive free, and brings more and more freedom each day as we walk with Him. Little by little, or sometimes big by big, He makes us new.

As God does that in my life through the heart and hands of my second husband, Sam, He shows me I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. I’m grateful for that gift. God uses Sam to help me be vulnerable and most myself (other than the times spent with Christ).

There’s something very powerful being loved for who you really are, kind and loving sometimes, but not always. Brave and courageous or weak and trembling, either way whichever wife he has that day, Sam has loved me well. He’s not perfect, nor am I. But somehow God uses two broken people to strengthen one another, to hear each other’s hearts holding them gently. Hearts are tender and can easily be broken. I appreciate Sam’s soft touch to the softer parts of me that feel emotionally naked as I seek his council when I need a wise second opinion.

I think of where we started. Me, too afraid to even utter the word marriage. The “M” word all I could muster. Now, I think of marriage and I smile, grateful to God for the gift He gave me in Sam. If you know him, you know how sweet and kind he is. Had I been stubborn or too afraid to step out, I would have missed a gift from God.

He seeks to understand me, Sam does. He said he studies me. I’m glad for that, because he sometimes helps me gently see things in me or about me that I don’t have enough perspective on. I know me too well. I’m too familiar with me. I need a trusted outside perspective. How do you see this situation, Sam? What insight do you have? Trust. Something I didn’t think I’d ever do again.

If that’s where you are sitting, I want you to know it IS possible to trust again. I started by learning to trust Jesus.  He showed me how to begin to trust others. He showed me how to trust myself again. Slowly.

“Our bravest moments come from trusting, from falling into the plans of God. When we do, bravery becomes less about courage and more about faith.”₁

If you are in a marriage that’s being tossed against the rocks, don’t give up. Divorce is NOT the easy option. As grateful as I am for God’s second chances, it would be very remiss of me to not give this council. I wish someone would have said it to me. Seek God and let Him be the Savior of your marriage. Nothing and no one is beyond His healing hand. Pray for yourself. Pray for your husband. And pray for unity in your marriage. Saving your marriage won’t be easy, but it is possible.

It all starts with the Love of Jesus, for without that, life is futile and full of the illusion of love. Only the Author of Love can properly lead us down love’s river without leading us astray. Jesus helps us avoid unnecessary white waters that would like to pull us under.

Fortunately, God rescued me. And He rescues me time and time again. Often, through the hands of a husband who learned how to love me well, because He allowed God to show him how. Sam would admit to you he didn’t know how to love. At 40 years of age, he’d never been married. What I love about my husband’s heart is he asked God to show him how to love me well. Lucky for me, God answers a prayer like that!

I often have referred to Sam as my Boaz, I his Ruth.  I met him when I was incredibly vulnerable. Many men would have taken advantage of that. Some did. Not so Sam. He showed me something different. A man of character who treated me like a woman should be treated, with dignity and respect. I remember being nervous, not knowing how to act in this foreign field of Christian relationship. How does this work anyhow?

God showed us how.

Through my marriage God has brought me from being a wildflower to a lillie, growing more and more pure each passing year. Mind you, there’s much more purity to be had by yours truly. But God has brought Sam and I quite a distance from where we first started.

My Boaz who didn’t take advantage when so many others had, helped me to regain my self-esteem. Through Sam’s love, I saw the Father’s Love. Still do. The idea of intimacy restored, restored back to God’s intention. Holy. Beautiful. Possible even when it doesn’t make sense based on a person’s track record.

Sam and I recently celebrated our six year wedding anniversary. I can’t quite believe it. Feels just like yesterday. No, it’s not 25 or 30, but it’s something significant from a gal who wasn’t willing to consider walking down the aisle again.

Perhaps even more astounding is what God has done in a relatively short amount of time. He has helped me to bloom because of Sam. I would not be the woman I am (and the woman I am becoming) without him.

A man, in fact, should not cover his head because he is God’s image and glory, but woman is man’s glory.─1 Corinthians 11:7 HCSB

As my husband, Sam partakes in any good God brings forth. I am a reflection of him and his love for me. I’ve experienced God’s love through Sam, and because of that expression of love, God’s glory is revealed. Love is always a reflection of Christ. Not the stuff of Hollywood, but the stuff of life, real life, the hard stuff as well as the good stuff. The stuff of tears when I need comfort and I find a safe shoulder to rest my head upon. The safe harbor helps me to bloom.

I hold my head higher, because I’ve experienced honorable love. Dignity restored, because that was the Father’s design all along.

The best anniversary gift I’ve received so far was fruit of Sam’s love standing right by my side at church: three young women rescued from sex trafficking whom I now get to help. Had my husband not loved me well, I wouldn’t have bloomed. Unimaginably, God wouldn’t be able to use me to help three other tender hearts learn how to receive love, and sometime in each of their futures, to love others well. To trust again. Someday. That is my prayer for each precious one.

I can talk with them about how hard it is to trust. I get it. It’s hard; it can feel impossible. I can also talk with these precious women about hope of love, intimacy, and restoration beyond their wildest dreams. Three beautiful buds waiting to bloom, but starting to open up, stood to my left, my husband to my right. Me sandwiched between trying hard to hold back tears on Mother’s Day as I thought, Lord, how on earth did I get here? Thank you! Not in a million years would I have guessed this one!

Later, in the car, I got to tell my husband how much I appreciate him. God put it on my heart to give him an anniversary present of honor. You see, Sam is not only my Boaz, he is also a man of mighty valor. He’s brave. After all, he took on me (and oh did that take courage back in the day!).

None of the ministry God has given me would have been possible without you, Sam. None of it. Because you loved me so well, I am now able to love others well. Thank you! Because of our story, I can give them hope that they will have genuine intimacy, the love we’re all after. Every woman helped, you have helped. This is your ministry too!

And it is.

Epilogue:  Thank you for helping me to bloom, Sam! One day you will receive many rewards for the things you’ve done in secret to honor and love me well. Until then, I pray you receive rich rewards here on earth as well. I know when you get to heaven one day (hopefully far, far into our future) Jesus is going to hold you in His arms and tell you “Well done, my good and faithful servant. You did good. Very, very good, My son. I am proud of you. You were a good steward of your wife and an excellent model for other men to follow. Well done, My son. Well done.”

If you are married, how can you allow your husband to help you bloom? How can you honor him?

If you’ve never read the book of Ruth in the Bible, I encourage you to do so. It’s a beautiful love story that points to Christ’s love for us, His bride.

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

₁Lyons, Rebekah. You are Free. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017.