Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

Mama Guilt: the Compare Snare

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This week, please welcome back our friend, Erin Nicole Thompson! It’s an honor when she visits FACETS of Faith with her experience and wisdom. She’s wrapping up our conversation on this month’s question, and we think you’ll be blessed by it. Thanks for sharing with us, Erin!

I made it!! I had conquered Costco. With two kids in tow, I endured the miles of aisles, deals of the day, and made it to the check-out lanes on budget and with the same number of children I walked in with.

(Insert: fireworks.)

As I rejoiced over this small miracle, it seemed right to celebrate with the insanely huge but inexpensive pizza Costco serves. I proceeded to get a small taste of heaven and asked the cashier to slice it in half, rather than having to drag a plastic knife through it.

Life. Was. Good.

Actually, near glorious!

My kids were playing so sweetly by the water vending machine when I noticed a large puddle under my two-year-old daughter. (Note—though she strips down every day to her birthday suit and attempts to use the potty, she is still in diapers.)

So as the other cheap lunch dwellers studied my kiddos and my parenting choices, I went over and swooped my daughter up only to realize she was soaking! What?!? This has never happened, at least with just wetness.

As a mom of four, I pride myself in my extensive diaper experience and knew I had put one on her and properly. Period. This certainly wasn’t my fault.

So I had to check. What was going on? I pulled back her pants only to realize I had put on my 21,901st diaper inside out. Yes, inside out.

So the wetness puddled on the concrete floor, drenching her legs and top, and now saturating my clothes, was none other than urine. Or pee-pee we call it in my house.

(Insert: Big-time Mama guilt here.)

And of course, there were still the onlookers.

So I dragged my kids out of Costco and drove home in defeat.

Mama guilt. It’s an issue.

We get it from the should’ves, could’ves, and can’ts—the compare snare we willingly walk into as we look at the strengths of another mom and compare them to our weaknesses. Those combustible moments overcome us, and we become someone we don’t want to be. Mama guilt. It’s there.

My mama guilt always seems to highlight my insecurities, imperfections, or inadequacies. Though my mama guilt is real and I can feel it, I am learning how to face it.

I am facing it so that it doesn’t define me or drown me in its defeat.

Whether our kids are grown and out of the house or are yet to breath on their own, we can face Mama guilt by…

  1. Receiving God’s grace and love.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

The book of Lamentations reminds us that God’s love and compassion never fail, that it is there for us each and every morning. Anew. Afresh. Filled to the brim. Let me highlight that is what God declares through the book of lamenting, I mean Lamentations. He always has enough, no matter how far gone or finished we may feel. Let’s receive it.

We forgo Mama guilt by…

2. Remembering who God says we are.

“I will be a Father to you,

    and you will be my sons and daughters,

says the Lord Almighty. (2 Corinthians 6:18)

We are not our actions or attitudes, we are an adopted child of God. Adorned and arrayed in his righteousness. Welcomed and wanted in his family. Who he says we are in his Word defines us, not our past or our performance. When we walk in that security, insecurity flees. Trust me, I know.

Mama guilt gets mini-sized or mini-me’ed by….

  1. Realizing God chose us to be the mama for our child, guilt and all.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16)

God chose our time and place. He chose the same for our child. He entrusted us with his creation, made in his image. He knew we wouldn’t get it all right, and that’s why we still need our big Daddy. And our Heavenly Father loves to be needed.

I am just about to go over my word count for this post, so know this. You are not alone in your mama guilt. We all have it. But I pray we don’t let it define us or drown us in defeat. Rather, let us face our feelings, receive God’s love, remember we are his child, and realize we are their chosen mamas by the Maker.

 

A Mama’s Heart on Guilt and Learning to Fly

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We’ve been chatting about something most moms feel at some point in their lives: mama guilt. What do we do with it? How does it affect our parenting? Tracy and Jen shared earlier this month, be sure to check out their stories. Today, it’s my (Kim) turn and I’m sharing something I don’t typically talk about so here we go . . .

He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.” Isaiah 40:11, NLT

I sat next to my oldest girl, stuffed into an auditorium seat along with hundreds of other students and parents listening to the college president speak.

How did we get there? College freshman orientation. Where had the time flown? Wasn’t I just a student myself with my entire life spread out before me?

Instead, I sat next to Kelsey trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill. This girl and I had been through so much together. Years of just the two of us as I parented alone. Learning to combine our little family with another as we became a blended family of five and, eventually, adding Emma for a total of six, followed by years that tumbled with trials and hardship, laughter and love.

The president’s words invaded my moment of reminiscing. I tuned in to hear him challenge us to encourage our kids to leave our nest and allow them to fly on their own.

I chuckled and nudged her – that’s exactly what I said! She didn’t like hearing that so much. I believe one of my jobs as a mom is to raise my kids to leave the nest and care for themselves. I still believe that. I wanted Kelsey to take care of herself, no matter what life brought her way.

Oh, how I wanted her to live well and lead a different life than I created.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me,O God. They cannot be numbered!” Psalm 139:13-17, NLT

I was in my second year of college and on track to become a teacher. I didn’t have a boyfriend but yearned to be loved. The yearning became so strong that I chose sex before marriage and ended up pregnant. There’s more to that story but some details aren’t meant to be shared, only left in the past with grace. But that single decision led another and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl though I was barely past the girl stage myself. I was twenty years old.

Even then I determined to protect and provide for my girl, no matter what. I determined to raise her to be strong and courageous and compassionate and deeply, deeply loved.

But there were days, and sometimes still are, when the weight of guilt presses down accusing me of all I’ve done wrong, pointing its snarly finger at every place I’ve failed, how I failed her.

When those thoughts and feelings of failure take root, others often join in until I tumble headfirst toward despair. They remind me that life didn’t get easier after I married. In fact, it turned much more difficult when we lost her youngest sister in a fire that destroyed all we knew and grief ripped at our souls. I did my best to protect her from the worst and tried to make up for what she lost, because she lost so very much, but I could only do so much.

So I pushed and encouraged and prayed, sometimes from a place of genuine love but often through a heart filled with guilt. Oh, how I love my girl and wanted to keep her safe, shielding her from the wounds of life. I didn’t want her to feel the pain and rejection I experienced from being a young single mom and the hardship that followed.

My fear of her pain and being crushed by my own pushed me to learn more about God’s character as I experienced the depth of His love. I realized the greatest gift I could give my girl was a life whole heartedly pursuing Jesus. That meant I needed to give Jesus access to my whole heart, allowing Him to heal the broken places and breathe life into the wounded spaces. That meant I needed to release the crushing power of guilt and shame to the One who frees and doesn’t condemn, and choose to trust God to redeem and restore all that had been destroyed.

It was during those dark days that I also began to learn in order to truly fight for my girl, I needed to wage war in a different way. I couldn’t protect her from the sorrows of this world, so much was beyond my control. But I could pray to the One who ultimately protects and loves her infinitely more than I do.

So when the spiral of despair begin and the feelings swoop in, I grab hold of them and bring them to Jesus in prayer. Scripture says it this way:

The world is unprincipled. It’s dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn’t fight fair. But we don’t live or fight our battles that way – never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren’t for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose though and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, The Message

I started to see a better way to protect her, to fight for her. I longed to see my girl experience healing in her own heart and soul, and to grow in wisdom and strength. I longed for her to see God’s hand at work, especially during those darkest of days.

There’s such a tender balance between allowing our kids to experience pain trusting they find hope. It’s such a fine line to walk praying they’ll see Jesus knowing it often happens at the bottom of a pit. But pray I did, and will continue to until my final breath.

As I sat next to Kelsey at her college freshman orientation and allowed the tidal wave of emotions splash over me – the guilt and hope, the excitement and fear, the love and loss – I was reminded again that God is bigger than my feelings, and He is greater than my failures and guilt. For sitting beside me was a beautiful, strong, and independent young woman who had begun to learn to follow Jesus on her own. She could have chosen a different way or even hidden from her own pain. Instead, she was learning to fly, just as her mama had prayed.

Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:30-31, NLT

How do you navigate mama’s guilt? Join the conversation by commenting below or jump over to our Facebook page and share. We mamas need to stick together!

Precious Gems for a Mama: Facts and Faith

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It’s May! And that’s Mother’s Day month, so we thought we’d take a peek at “mama guilt.” If you haven’t read Tracy’s post, please do. She did a beautiful job. Kim’s up next week. Then we’re bringing back our sweet friend, Erin Thompson, the following week. It’s going to be a great month at FACETS!

I (Jennifer) have two arrows in the quiver, and (at 16 and 18) it seems like my sons will be flying out into the world to find their mark any second now. Time is a funny thing. Diaper changes and homemade baby foods were yesterday and forever ago at the same time. I’m in that season the mamas told me about. I didn’t believe them, but they were right. Time flies. And the arrows will fly, too.

I’m sifting through memories, and my heart is tender. My guys don’t know watery eyes and sniffs go with that. A picture from years ago appears in my social feed. I stumble on a video of my sons being silly and love every second of it. I want to relive some of the memories on the highlight reel over and over. You have some of those, don’t you? And they’re not always the “perfect” ones.

One arrow was affectionately known as “Poo-ccasso” for a few days. One boy may have dug through the drywall above his crib the day before our house closing. Jack the wonder sheltie, hated the 90-minute bath following the spray starch spiked hair incident. There was the pearl pink nail color incident. “Three drawers in a row makes a ladder” logic gave me fits for three weeks when I couldn’t figure out who was getting on top of the fridge and into the freezer. Time keeps marching on. Those days are faded images (and some are finally funny). *Grin* (If you’ve got great stories like these, please share them!)

Mamas have piles of memories. Some are precious. Sometimes we don’t realize how precious they were. Then something happens over time—we cherish different moments and learn to look at things with a little more perspective. In the moment, though…

I know I’m not the only one to be a hot mess as a mama. My sons’ allergic reactions made me feel terrible. I wondered if my child would ever eat something besides Goldfish, mac n’ cheese, and hot dogs. I was the first teacher my kids would know, and my work was cut out—eating, drinking, toilet training, hygiene, first words, counting, colors, the alphabet. Asking, telling, and listening were important skills. The virtues of sharing, honesty, and obedience were high priorities. Mamas are precious to child development, and a hefty emotional load can accompany the responsibility.

Not only was I the first teacher my sons knew, but as homeschoolers, I was one of the few they knew. Somewhere in junior high the academics pushed a “guilt button” I never knew I had. My mama guilt was rooted in a fear of the “what ifs” in life. Because decisions have consequences, I wondered if our choices (my husband’s, mine, and my sons’) would be devastating in the long run. Honestly, I was laser-focused on me, the mama, and the decisions I made. I can still hear my own voice—“Will this turn out okay? Have I messed up the rest of his life? I’m the worst mom ever!”

In 19 years I’ve learned a few things that may help a mama fighting the battle rooted in fear, the one I still fight. Sometimes a mix of facts and faith can ease it.

“Just the Facts, Ma’am…”

Whatever we learn from the first child does not apply to the second.
I have only two sons, but I know most moms would agree: no two are alike. So, parent the child in the moment according to the immediate need. Some rules apply to every child; some don’t. Stop comparing siblings, friends, or imaginary children. Don’t assume one child’s success, skill set, or mistake is another’s. Whatever is happening is this child in this moment, not any other at any other time. Age, personality, and persistence in the child matters, but I try hard to be in the moment with the child in front of me.

Nobody’s perfect!
You are not. Your child is not. I like to think my sons will find their way through the natural dysfunction that’s part of every family (including ours). I have made mistakes; I’m sure I do that daily. I want to be quick to see the problem and respond with the appropriate apology. A little perspective helps. If I could do two things over, it would be to have a better grip on age-appropriate expectations for my kids and the necessary diligence in inspecting whatever is expected. Realistic expectations and diligent oversight would have saved a lot of trouble. Still, apologies smoothed a lot of rifts.

Shape the heart; don’t try to control it.
Children have their own preferences and personal decision-making process. A mama can help shape the process, but she cannot control it. We all know independent hearts will do whatever they like given freedom. As a child grows, the balance of control and responsibility shifts. It’s a messy transfer, but it’s necessary while children are in the home establishing themselves, before they take flight. Mistakes at home are far easier to navigate than somewhere out in the big, wide world.

It’s not all about you!
Mama, you know you’re not the only influence on your child, right? Of course, you do. You know they have their own will and make their own choices, too. Guard your heart against guilt over their decisions.

What’s done isn’t exactly done.
Think you’ve made too many mistakes? While you have opportunity, take it. Apologize. Encourage. Talk about and show the love you have for your child. Talk about how the relationship could be better…or fixed.

“It’s a Matter of Faith!”

Mamas, can I be real? It’s hard being a mom—it’s also beautiful and precious and raw and joyful and tearful and a million other things. If all the responsibility fell squarely on our shoulders, we’d shatter into a gazillion pieces. (Maybe you have memories of moments that felt just like that. I do.) Can I suggest the antidote to mama guilt is faith perspective.

God is Bigger!

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Our God is not surprised by our struggles, choices (both good and bad), or fears. He knows and cares about us. You and your child are precious in His sight. Don’t forget that. He will help you, Mama (and your child). He is strong enough and loves you that much!

God’s Plan and Purposes are Good!

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28

And God is able to make every grace overflow to you, so that in every way, always having everything you need, you may excel in every good work.  2 Corinthians 9:8

For it is God who is working in you, [enabling you] both to will and to act for His good purpose. Philippians 2:13

When the twists and turns, difficult hills, and dark valleys in the lives of our kids become too much for us mamas, remember that God’s plan is also bigger than we can see. He loves our children, and he wants the very best for their lives.

Your Prayers Matter!

Pray constantly.  1 Thessalonians 5:17

And if I could encourage one thing—pray, pray, and pray more! The times I was clueless about what to do, prayer made all the difference. The two-year-old temper tantrum in the store ended when I prayed and listened. God whispered, “Tell him to say he’s sorry.” As true now as it was then—the more I ask God for help, the smoother my parenting moments seem to go. And when mamas get together to pray, mountains can move, so don’t forget to keep your friends close.

I’ve enjoyed sharing this week, and I sure hope we’ll have some great conversation this month. If you’ve got a funny story, please share in the comments below or at our Facebook page. If you’ve got some precious gems you’ve learned, we could sure use some of that collective wisdom, too. Please add your thoughts.

Thanks for reading and sharing!

Signature, Jennifer Howe