Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

How Has Mama Guilt Affected Your Parenting?

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In the month set aside for well-deserved celebration of mothers, we want to talk about a topic most moms wrestle with at some point ─guilt. We experience guilt over situations, decisions made, actions taken (or not), and words said (or not).  This month Facets of Faith considers How has mama guilt affected your parenting?

Let’s face it. Being a mom is hard work! To borrow a tagline from the Peace Corp:

It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love!

If you’re a mom, I (Tracy) know you’ll need no convincing. It is a tough job. There are certain seasons where you wring your hands and think, How will I ever get through this? I don’t have enough energy, wisdom, or wherewithal to do this well.

Dirty diapers. Spilled juice on a freshly scrubbed floor. Toddler season. Temper tantrums without reason. The tough stuff God uses to mold and shape us as mothers.

My son is now an adult, but that doesn’t necessarily make parenting easier. In some ways, it’s perhaps harder. Influence not completely gone, but different. Less day-to-day and more dependence on the Lord as we lose control over our children’s decision-making.

Parenting isn’t for sissies.

Lucky for us, God gives us blessings through our children and the sweet moments of days gone by we treasure up in our hearts even as we make new memories along the way. Like Jesus’ mom, Mary, we store them up as keepsakes in our memory banks. The sweet smiles, the mom I love you’s, days at the park, pushing of swing, first day of anything, saved macaroni art moments.

So many things about being a mom I wouldn’t change one single bit.

But there are others.

The I wish I would have…. (fill in the blank).

My mama guilt started at conception. I wasn’t married to my son’s father. My single in the suburbs belly bump set off a barrage of shame. There were enough shame bombs detonated by my decision to partake in pre-marital sex to destroy my mama self-esteem along the way and muddy up my decision-making ability.

Shame overwhelmed me as I sat, legs dangling over the edge of the doctor’s table waiting for him to confirm what I was terrified was true. I cried when I found out I was pregnant.  How does an honor roll girl find herself in these places of dishonor? Shame that root too.

After the breaking news of my emerging belly bump leaked to the general public, shame set in deeper. I remember wishing I could get a fake wedding band, so people wouldn’t think I was single in the suburbs with baby bump.

There wasn’t celebration. No parties. No excitement from the wings. Shame. Shame. Shame on you. Couldn’t shrug it off.

I wish I would have…

waited until I was married.

thought about the consequences for my son.

thought about the consequences for myself.

realized I could have made much better choices in the men I allowed in my life  back then.

And on, and on, and on.

These were the things I used to beat myself up about …. especially when his dad was missing in action and I’d have to come up with some excuse.  I’d be furious inside at his absence and still secretly ashamed, blaming myself for all that his dad wasn’t back then. I “knew” it was “all my fault” that his father wasn’t around to hold his little boy’s hand, to raise him on his shoulders, and for the little boy to look up in admiration to and want to grow up to be just like his daddy.

Shame. Shame. Shame on me became, I’ll show them!

Most single mamas I know try to make up for what their little ones don’t have. We put pressure on ourselves to perform mama and papa roles (and isn’t it hard enough being “just” the mama?).

I was recently out of high school at the time. No child support and not a lot of money coming in from my secretarial job. Even so, I spent too much money ─ money I didn’t have ─ because my son had to have “the best”. Overspending and splurging on activities was my way of overcompensating for what my son didn’t have, his dad.

It’s interesting. God places young, single moms in my life today. I’ve seen this same trait in most of them. Not enough money coming in, but loving their little ones so much that they didn’t want them to do without any more than they already are─the dads they so desperately need.

I wish I would have realized when I was younger that things and activities aren’t the answer to what kids of single moms need most.

Had I known by Bible and known my Jesus then like I do now, I would have flipped to Genesis 16 and 21 and read about Hagar and Ishmael and wept and wept at God’s goodness, love, and mercy extended to us single mamas. He has extra measure of love and mercy stored up for our kids too.

I would have known not to wear shame, because my God sees me. He saw me back then, and He saw every single thing that led up to my single mama-making moment. He wasn’t going to condemn me for my bad decision. He understands. He sees. His desire is always to restore us to Him, to a position of honor and dignity seated at His right hand. He would NEVER desire us mamas (single or otherwise) to sit in a puddle of shame.

Hagar and her son were rejected and set aside, but never by their Heavenly Father!  Just as He sent angels of the LORD to minister to “single” mama Hagar, He has angels overseeing us.

To which of the angels did God ever say,

“Sit at my right hand

until I make your enemies

a footstool for your feet”?

Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?─Hebrews 1:13-14 NIV

When we need a mama moment no matter what season we find ourselves in, I hope we can remember this picture in our head.

Pull up a chair and place your feet on the footstool God has for your mama weary legs. As you do, reflect upon your rightful position as a daughter of the King. You are royal. Your kiddos are too. Call on those ministering angels. Remember, God has them assigned to serve those who inherit salvation. That’s you if you’ve said yes to Jesus.

Not only did God see a wearied and worried “single” mama in Hagar, He saw her son. God will see your son or daughter too. He is the God who sees and hears those He loves. (Genesis 16:13, Genesis 21:17)

And God heard the voice of the lad. Then the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said to her, “What ails you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad and hold him with your hand, for I will make him a great nation.”─Genesis 21:17-18 NKJV

I have no idea what greatness God has in store for your child, but I do know He has great plans for him or her just like God has for my son. We fear and fret, worry and wallow, when what God wants is for our mama hearts to cry out to Him and share what ails us. He doesn’t want us weighed down by shame. His desire is for us to arise. The only way that’s possible is if we release those feelings of shame and doubt.

Perhaps that’s the best gift we can get this Mother’s Day. Let’s give ourselves a mama break. Give your shame over to God and let Him set you (and your children) free to arise into your fullest potential.

One other beautiful closing revelation God reminded me of… He knew our children in our wombs. He knit them together and formed them before we even knew them. To all you single mamas out there: Your child is NOT fatherless. They have the BEST Father in the whole wide world─One who loves unconditionally, without ceasing. How much that would have reassured me had I known that when my son was small. But I know it now and it is the greatest reassurance, that when I don’t know what to do, the One who loves us MOST always does.

Be blessed all you mamas! God loves you!

Be blessed all you mamas! God loves those you deeply love!  

Happy Mother’s Day dear ones!

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

God’s Resurrecting Power: From Death to Life

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We’ve been talking about God’s resurrecting power here at Facets of Faith this month. Tracy and Jen shared their perspectives earlier this month and you don’t want to miss them. Now it’s my (Kim’s) turn. Ready?

I don’t like to feel out of control. That feeling of powerlessness, an inability to influence or change circumstances or, to be honest, even people around me.

Call me a control freak, with this desire to order and maintain my world. These feelings of powerlessness that sneak up on me, but like everyone, there’s a story behind these impulses. I know all too well what it feels like to be utterly helpless, completely powerless, and it scares the life right out of me.

It happened one day about twelve years ago. I left my home thinking all was normal, as my every day life could possibly be. I forgot something on my way to work so, in my typically optimistic fashion, I turned my car around and determined this was simply more time to listen to a message from one of our pastors.

Little did I know what was happening as I turned my car back that morning. Little did I know the scene I was about to drive upon would change everything. My family. My home. My life. Nothing would be the same.

Fire poured from the home I left just twelve minutes earlier. My home that still held my precious Emma and her daddy.

I remember standing on the driveway feeling utterly powerless, the crushing weight of what I lacked to stop the scene unfolding before me. The fear that snatched my breath away. The horror that my daughter may have breathed her last. The crushing reality that my greatest fear just became my living nightmare.

My heart shriveled up and threatened to die that day fire destroyed everything. But somehow, in some way, it continued to beat and pump living-giving blood. It continued to beat as the doctor told me Emma died. It continued to beat as her daddy struggled against pneumonia and third-degree burns. It continued to beat as I stood next to her little white coffin and stroked her tender cheek that no longer held the warmth of life.

My heart betrayed me as it continued to beat and pump, reminding me that life continued on even though death made its unwelcome departure with my little girl.

Powerless.

Never as a mom, as a woman, as a person did I feel so utterly out of control. I never expected this. I feared it. I prayed against it. I never expected to bury my daughter. And that weight of grief, those unexpected blows as wave after wave pummeled against my wounded body caused me to gasp for each life-sustaining breath.

How do you survive the dark days your deepest fears come alive? Maybe you, too, have walked the treacherous road of losing a child or a spouse, your health or your job. How do you find your footing when you’ve been knocked to your knees? How do you choose life when all you taste is death?

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18, NLT

I clung to the One who not only gives life, but who resurrects it. The One who takes dead, lifeless things and creates life by breathing into dry bones (Ezekial 37:5). The One who conquered my greatest fear with a single crushing blow as He hung on the cross and triumphed over death. I was powerless, without control, but I knew the One who loves me, who not only has power but is the source of power, and I held on to Him for dear life. Literally.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13, NLT

His is the power that fed thousands of people with few loaves and a couple of fish. His is the power that silenced the seas and called a dead man from the grave. His is the power that healed diseases and stopped years of bleeding. His is the power that conquered death once and for all.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9, NLT

That power . . . that resurrecting power changes everything. And it’s not just for then, those days Jesus walked the earth or as his disciples performed miracles. God’s resurrecting power that rose Jesus from the grave is available for us today. Now.

His resurrecting power heals the deepest wounds and shines bright in the darkest of places. His resurrecting power declares goodness despite brokenness, and offers hope in despair. His resurrecting power breathes life, restores shattered hearts, and revives lost dreams.

He saved me. His resurrecting power revived me. His power gives me strength on the days I miss my girl the most and shifts my gaze from all I lost to all He has in store for me. His resurrection power breathes new life, life that I enjoy and embrace all the days my feet will walk this earth. And He gives me hope, hope that death and destruction do not have the final say. He does. And that same power He gives me is available for you. Will you choose life?

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,” Ephesians 3:16, NLT

How have you experienced God’s resurrecting power in your life? Join the conversation and leave a comment or jump over to our Facebook page to share there.

Resurrection Power: Jesus, Life, and All of Us

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Have you read our first posts this month yet? You simply must! Tracy shared two beautiful posts, an introduction and her own response, to help our readers think about the question: how does God’s resurrection power change the way you live? Don’t forget to look for Kim’s post next week!

Of all the questions we’ve explored, this one has been the most challenging and exciting for me. You see, I (Jennifer) had a neatly-ordered worldview and a simple paradigm—or so I thought. Then what I knew shifted slightly and kind of went “Kerplunk!” into a new place. I’m making what feels like a feeble attempt at sharing what I’ve been learning. And in “Jen fashion,” I’ll ask you to walk this curvy road with me and check out the scenery along the way.

The shift began when I heard a song on the radio. You may know Jeremy Camp’s Same Power. I struggled with the chorus for a while, and I wasn’t exactly sure why:

The same power that rose Jesus from the grave
The same power that commands the dead to wake
Lives in us, lives in us
The same power that moves mountains when He speaks
The same power that can calm a raging sea
Lives in us, lives in us
He lives in us, lives in us ¹

My first question was “Where did that lyric come from anyway?” Then I suppose I thought a life filled with that kind of power was reserved for the Disciples, Apostles, and super-Christians. After all, I had never moved a mountain, calmed a sea, or been part of any other radical, miraculous thing with a word. Maybe I assumed my life story disqualified me from witnessing God doing those things or being used by him in that way. If I get honest, I probably thought the Creator of the universe was far removed from creation or just didn’t do those kinds of things anymore. At a certain level I wondered about the strength of my faith, the way I lived it, and the real identity and character of God. Have you been there? (Some call this mindset “practical atheism.”)

I was a little “off base” in my thinking. I’ll tell you about that, but it’s a bit of a long story. Can you bear with me?

What I Knew
A day came when I realized a righteous, holy God’s mere presence would overwhelm and annihilate imperfection. Who is full of imperfection? Me! I, like many, made a decision to pray to Jesus and ask for his sacrifice on the cross to be applied to my life. Jesus, of course, would certainly say yes to that!

Then a group study of the book of Romans wrecked me—in a good way!

What I Learned
There’s something emotional in realizing there are only two kinds of people on the planet. It’s hard to accept that there are black-and-white things when we prefer choice, flexibility, and comfortable shades of gray. But if the Bible is true, there are people who do not yet identify with God and Jesus’ death on the cross and resurrection and those who do. That’s it. For Christians, this probably doesn’t sound revolutionary, but let’s be clear about one thing: identifying with is not just knowing about.

The Shift
It happened when a Bible study group asked a simple question: What is it that separates these two groups of people in the world? I thought I knew what placed someone in the family of God: if you could point to a date on the calendar when you prayed “the prayer,” you were “in.”

My paradigm rattled when we studied the life of Abraham in Romans, Hebrews, and Genesis. Wonderful books, teaching, and discussion filled in some gaps. Did you know Abraham never prayed the prayer of salvation? Intuitively I knew that, but I never paused to think more about the fact that he “believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness” (Romans 4:3). That’s the source of the resurrection power! Do you see it?

Let me translate this for our day—God said, “I will make a way for you to come to Me.” Jesus was that way on the cross. His perfectly sinless life as a man and the Son of God paid for every sin. But he is more powerful than death. Sin and death has no claim to a perfect, sinless God-man. And so the Son of God can and does rise in unstoppable power, leaving an empty tomb!

So what do you say to that? It’s simple. God says, “I will.” The response is, “I believe.” Nothing more can be added to that. Our best behavior doesn’t change this moment, and our worst doesn’t either. We don’t clean up our act in order to look more attractive to a Holy God. We can’t do it. Remember: we are sin until we believe. We believe, and we identify with Jesus’ resurrection. Friend, there’s a reason the Early Church was full of “believers” and called “The Way.” And here we are—at the only way.

This is where my “Kerplunk!” happened. The gospel was flexible, in my mind. There were people on a spectrum (even me). I was on my way to a “closer relationship” with God, and so was everyone around me. There’s nothing dangerous about a spectrum, right? But, there are those who have Jesus advocating for them and those who do not yet have that. (Now I’ll begin to cry.)

8 “Those whose lives are in the flesh are unable to please God. 9 You, however, are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, since the Spirit of God lives in you.” (Romans 8:8-9).

I don’t know which group you’re in. Maybe you don’t either. I don’t know about you, but I had to wrestle with this at one point. Have you? How will our lives be different when we are one of God’s people? Where is that resurrection power, you ask?

10 Now if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead lives in you, then He who raised Christ from the dead will also bring your mortal bodies to life through His Spirit who lives in you. Romans 8:10-11

What does that mean for me (and you) for the rest of our lives here and in eternity (where all of us will be one day)? Our choice to believe provides a resurrection-powered life here and forever!

Blessed and holy is the one who shares in the first resurrection! The second death has no power over these  Revelation 20:6 CSB

Blessed and holy—one of God’s people. And for that reason—

I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection   Philippians 3:10a NIV

I want everyone else to know it. So many people will remain outside the church, not part of God’s people—and that’s a whole other life now and eternity waiting. I don’t want that for anyone!

And how will that be done? Noticing people, hearing their stories, and then speaking truthfully and lovingly (something I’m asking God to help me with!).

Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. 2 Corinthians 4:7

Friend, I can’t thank you enough for hanging with me. You’re precious if you’re still reading! I just wrote down all the words—and there were still more. Thank you for being gracious. I think you’ve just read an indication of the change in my life just now. The display of the power will have to wait for another post. *grin*

Consider starting a conversation here or at our Facebook Page. This is a conversation worth having. What are you thinking right now?

 

Signature, Jennifer Howe

 

 

 

 

 

 

¹ Same Power. Jason Ingram and Jeremy Camp.