Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

How Do You Love A Friend When It’s Hard?

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This month FACETS of Faith dives deep into the topic: How do you love a friend when it’s hard? Good things don’t always come without difficulty. Valuable friendships are worth the fight.

I (Tracy) couldn’t wait for the big event: Valentine’s Day. Our classroom celebration set amongst a stage of scarlet and pink. The scarred blonde surface of my 3rd grade desk proudly displayed my crepe paper masterpiece: a Valentine’s Day mailbox ready to receive love.

Long before the days of Pinterest and the internet, teachers and students relied on good ole fashioned imagination to design and capture creative vision.  Shoe box saved up specifically for that purpose, all we needed was a bit of glue, construction paper, glitter, and markers. Supplies mixed with a vision for a mailbox masterpiece made receiving friend’s store-bought messages of encouragement such fun!

Excitement hovered thick like a cloud as I anticipated the love that would soon fill my little-girl heart.

“Have a Berry Happy Valentine’s Day!”    

“Valentine, you are tutu cute!”

 “You’re awesome sauce, Valentine!”

I labored with much thought. Which friends would receive my favorites? I guarantee my besties would have received the “tutu cute” message (after all what girl doesn’t want to hear she’s cute?). The frilly pink tutu would have nothing to do with my vote for aforementioned favorite valentine. I do NOT have an issue with fashion. None-whatsoever. (Clears throat – Let’s continue before one of my friends calls me on that one and conducts a fashion intervention.)

Oh, if only loving our friends well were as easy as sending a grade school valentine message. Being a grown-up grade schooler doesn’t always allow life to look and feel that simple. As much of a blessing as friendship can be, sometimes it can also be stinking hard. Throw sin and spiritual attack in the mix, and it can get as sticky as Elmer’s glue when the lid falls off and all we’re left with is a glob of milky white mess.

Certainly, the enemy doesn’t want us to be in relationship with others.  The slippery serpent will try to stir up strife wherever he can. As grown-up grade schoolers, we can’t let him. We need to be friends who see through a spiritual attack and make a conscious choice to love ─even when it’s hard.

We need to recognize strife for exactly what it is: an attempt from the enemy to separate us from those whom God desires us to have connection.

That is often enough. See the spiritual attack. Say what it is aloud (even if it’s only to myself). Then keep stepping into the discomfort with the purpose of unity and reconciliation.

Just before Christmas an incident happened with a group of friends. What took place wasn’t so much about them as it was the slippery serpent trying to pierce me with his dagger. He used those up close and personal to unintentionally hurt my heart.

You see, I know them. I know they didn’t mean to hurt me. I know they love Jesus, and I know they love me. I know they have their own hurts and hang-ups (because we all do, right?). They just forgot how the words and the topic of discussion so closely connected to me and to those I love most.

I removed myself from the discussion to protect my heart from hearing too much. I can forgive, but I knew the more words I heard, the harder that would become. I knew God wanted me to look past what I felt were hurtful words and recall who these people really were─and are─my friends who just forgot. They forgot about what feels like my biggest situation…the kind we wrestle with God about and wonder why, until we remember to have faith.

Perhaps, they don’t know how hard I fight not to cower in a corner afraid. How could they, really? They’re not God. They’re not me. They don’t know.

Grace. Because I’ll need it from them sometime too.

I’ll say something I shouldn’t. Not thinking. Not knowing. Unintentional. It happens. It hurts, but it happens.

Remember. Remember why you’re friends in the first place. That helps too. Remember deposits they made in your relational account. My group of friends have made numerous deposits over time. We’ve done life together and accounts have earned interest. Time together will do that. Remember that one incident, even when it feels like a big violation, doesn’t have to mean a friendship has been fatally wounded. Seek God about that.

For me, there was not fatality, although there could have been. I could have stormed out of that house and never come back, but that would have been my inner child winning – the one who wants her way and wishes everyone would understand her woundedness, the one who wishes those close to her would always remember, “oh, yeah, that might sting”. Honestly, I still want that. I want that from my friends and I want to be able to give that to my friends. I know it won’t always happen. I know I won’t always do it. But I can desire it. Sometimes, we’ll remember to be sensitive and gentle in spirit. Sometimes, we’ll stumble along, muddling through and doing the best we can.

Remembering why we became friends with someone in the first place helps us love a friend even when it’s hard. What is at least one thing about her that makes you smile or laugh? How has she blessed your life in the past? How might she bless you in the future if you can move forward? Hold onto those thoughts if you need to make a conscious choice to love a friend who has hurt you. The reward on the other side of the relational hard work? A restored friendship.

Do you want to know what I did? That night, I made a conscious choice to forgive those involved. RIGHT AWAY. I couldn’t hold a grudge. I couldn’t seek justice on my own. I sought solace in my Lord and Savior, because I needed Him to soothe my wounds from words that did hurt. I didn’t deny the hurt. I gave my pain to God, because I’ve learned that on the other side of pain undealt with (for me, anyhow) is anger. I have to nip that one in the bud right away. Instant forgiveness is easier than overcoming a bitter, angry heart.

Forgive fast. The future of your friendship may depend on that very thing. If you don’t need this knowledge for now, store it up for the future: forgive fast and keep those friendships intact, sisters.

As grown up grade schoolers perhaps we can send a few valentines of our own.

“I extend grace, because it’s what good friends do. Be Mine, Valentine!”

“Thanks for deposits made. Your friendship is something I can count on, Valentine!”

“Valentine, I forgive you because our friendship is worth it.”

What valentine is God calling you to send your friends? Love them well, even when it’s hard. Remember, they might have to do the same one day with you.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Love well. Love well. Love well.

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Do I Want A Do Over?

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This month Facets of Faith would like to introduce you to our guest writer Dawn Stewart. Dawn has a passion for Jesus that drives her obedience to following His call. She is one of the founding members of a ministry, Beautifully Broken, whose mission it is to equip and empower women to walk in the freedom of their true identity in Christ and to minister this freedom to their homes, churches, and communities. Join us in welcoming our guest Dawn.

As the Christmas season was underway, I found myself thinking about gifts.  What makes something a gift?  Well, for starters, a gift comes to us from an outside source, is given by the giver freely – something we don’t have to earn.  We do not need to be deserving of or qualified for it.  A gift comes to us because the giver desires to give it.  It comes without our asking for it, at any time, and for any reason.

Our part is to receive, show appreciation, and gratitude for the gift.  As a recipient, we get to make the choice what we will do with it.  Sometimes gifts get used immediately, sometimes they get set aside and forgotten about, and sometimes they get returned or exchanged for something better.  It’s entirely up to us.

Are you aware that one of the most precious gifts you or I will ever be given in this life is the gift of time?  It is more precious than the most rare jewel, worth more than the most priceless artifact.  It is something that we could never earn, don’t deserve, and aren’t qualified for.  It is a gift freely given to us by the ultimate Giver – the Lord Himself.  And only He knows how much of it we have.  Only He knows the plans He has for our lives.  (Jeremiah 29)

Our job as the recipient of the gift of time is to use it well.  To live in a way that gives honor and glory to God.  Our role is to make choices with the time we are given that we won’t regret later.  The way we spend our time means a great deal to our Heavenly Father. We see this throughout His Word. In Ecclesiastes 3 we are told that there is a time for everything.  In Psalm 90 we are reminded to number our days.  In James 4 we are reminded that we do not know how long our time on this earth will be, or what tomorrow will bring.  In Ephesians 5, Paul exhorts us to make the most of our days.  These are just a few of the messages in God’s Word about our time here on earth. The Bible has so much to say on using the gift of our time wisely!

But what happens if we make choices with our time, which feel more like a waste of our gift than a productive use of it?  What if we, like the Israelites, waste precious time wandering and complaining in the wilderness when we could have just gone straight to the Promised Land?  Do we get a do over?  Do we get another chance at this life to make the right choices?  Are we able to start over and create a new path for ourselves?  Do we have the power to turn back time?  No!  Not even a second of our time will be refunded to us.  We can’t exchange it, and we will never get back the moments we have squandered.

So, are we without hope?  Are we doomed to live a life fueled by regret, remorse, and guilt for the way we chose to spend our days?  Is it possible to get back the wasted hours, days, months, or years?

We serve a pretty incredible God.  You see I was one of those people who chose to squander away precious years of my life, living in a constant state of discontentment.  I wasted so much time seeking purpose, pleasure, fulfillment, comfort and happiness – that I missed out on the real deal.  I made so many wrong choices that led me down so many dark paths, that by the time I was 33 years old – I felt hopeless and stuck.  I honestly believed that the sole purpose for my existence was to trudge through my days until I died.  I had no idea of the abundant life that God had created me to live.

I was 35 years old when I surrendered my life to Christ, on the heels of discovering that I was alcoholic. Surrender happened after I recognized the depths of dysfunction that resulted from my choice to have an abortion at the age of 22.  True submission to God came as I walked the road of divorce, and dealt with the shame and stigma of bulimia. Surrender came from a place of true desperation. Submitting myself to the grace, love, mercy, and forgiveness of Jesus happened as a direct result of coming face to face with my life choices. Facing up to the consequences of my actions hurt – a great deal.  Walking through the pain instead of trying to escape, avoid, or numb it was difficult even on the best days (and still can be).  For a while, I longed for a do over.

But God doesn’t just give us a do over. He does better than that! He actually restores and redeems our life!  He takes the time we wasted and replaces it with new life when we come to Him!  He gives us the gift of becoming a whole new creation as we submit ourselves to Him.  His Word tells us that He actually gives us a new spirit and a new heart (Ezekiel 26:36). He restores the “years the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2:25) and puts us in a spacious place (Psalm 18) where we can learn how to live the abundant life He has called us to live.

So, do I need a do over?  Do I even want a do over anymore? Not for a second.  In the words of Paul, I focus on what lies ahead (Philippians 3:13) and not on what has already happened.  God, in His great mercy, continues to restore the painful moments of my life by working them all out for good (Romans 8).  He has used every one of my wrong decisions to minister to others and to bring Him glory in the process.  It seems impossible when you look at it from a human perspective – that a woman like me could be loved and used by a God like Him.  That is one of the things that makes our God so ridiculously amazing – He died for us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8).  He didn’t wait for me to clean my act up before forgiving me.  He actually died to forgive me before I even graced this earth – it was just up to me to receive that beautiful gift of forgiveness and choose to live the rest of my days on this earth for His glory rather than the pursuit of my own happiness.

Nope.  No do over for this girl.  If I had the chance to go back to the moments when I made all those poor choices, I wouldn’t try to change them.  Because every one of those choices was a piece of the puzzle that landed me exactly where I am today.  And there is not one single part of my life today that I would exchange – not for all the riches in the world!  Praise be to the Lord!

 

The Ultimate Do Over – A Transformed Heart

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We’ve been chatting about the need for a do over here at Facets of Faith this month. Tracy and Jen started the conversation. Be sure to check out their thoughts! Now it’s my (Kim) turn but be sure to come back next week for a special guest!

I love singing and dancing movies. When my oldest daughter was little, we enjoyed many a rainy afternoon snuggled next to each other watching Sound of Music and Newsies, Meet Me in St. Louis and State Fair. Well, I sat as she sang and danced along.

So when news of Debbie Reynold’s death hit the internet a couple of weeks ago, my heart broke.

The unsinkable Molly Brown wasn’t so unsinkable after all.

The Unsinkable Molly Brown is, perhaps, one of my favorite musicals. It has all the makings of my favorite type of story: an underdog who gets a chance, an unlikely romantic match, and a huge obstacle that is ultimately overcome.

In this case, the obstacle was Molly Brown herself.

Molly needed a do over. She longed to fit in with Denver society but her past spoke louder than her manners and furthered the divide between herself and those with whom she longed for acceptance. So off she and her husband went to gain an education in Europe. She returned with new skills, new speech, new clothes, and even new friends.

The problem — you can take the girl out of the woods, but you can’t fully take the woods out of the girl. Her do-over ended up being skin deep, a behavioral change. When faced with choosing her old friends over some from Denver society . . . well, let’s just say the food fight was one of my favorite scenes. Afterwards, she became the talk of the town and was rejected . . . again. What she needed wasn’t a behavioral change, it was a heart change.

Have you ever done that? Known you need a do over, a second chance, only to find all you did was try to manage your actions?

You want to lose that last 25 pounds but work is so stressful, you cope with chocolate.

Your kids are in that season of constant need and attention and your frustration reveals its ugly head —loudly—more often than you care to admit.

That issue your friend last month, the one you thought was resolved? You heard she was talking about it with a mutual friend. Resentment crept in and you realized maybe you hadn’t forgiven like you thought. You had just kept quiet.

You know you need to make different choices. You try. You pray. You strive. You know you’re in need a do over but the idea of work is just. plain. exhausting.

There’s another story about a lady in desperate need of a do over, where her life, too, was the talk of the town. Rejected and avoided, she often traveled to the well outside of town at the hottest time of day just to avoid the whispers and looks.

But then she encountered someone who did more than try to manage her behavior, He changed her heart. The giver of the ultimate do over sat in front of her, asking for a drink of water, and she didn’t even see it coming.

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19, NLT

But Jesus knew. He knew, He saw her, and He loved her enough to transform her.

For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost.” Luke 19:10, NLT

How did He create the ultimate do over in her life?

He spent time with her.

Soon a Samaritan woman came to draw water, and Jesus said to her, ‘Please give me a drink.’” John 4:7, NLT

He, a Jewish man, spoke to her, a Samaritan woman.

The woman was surprised, for Jews refuse to have anything to do with Samaritans.” John 4:9, NLT

He invited her to experience him.

But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” John 4:14, NLT

He revealed her deepest secrets.

‘I don’t have a husband,’ the woman replied. Jesus said, ‘You’re right! You don’t have a husband – for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth.” John 4:17, NLT

He offered no condemnation but revealed Himself to her.

Then Jesus told her, ‘I AM the Messiah.’” John 4:26, NLT

Those words changed her life forever. She experienced the ultimate do-over. Jesus changed her heart that day by a simple encounter. No longer was she an outcast whom others avoided. “The woman left her water jar beside the well and ran back to the village, telling everyone, ‘Come and see a man who told me everything I ever did! Could he possible be the Messiah?’ So the people came streaming from the village to see him.” John 4:28-29, NLT

Sure, some were curious. Maybe others went because they didn’t believe her and needed to see for themselves. Regardless of their motives, she experienced a do over because Jesus transformed her heart.

Many Samaritans from the village believed in Jesus because the woman had said, ‘He told me everything I ever did.’” John 4:39, NLT

He offers this same encounter with us. All of it. Because a true do over in life is more than a behavior change, it’s about the transforming work that we cannot do on our own, in our strength. Only Jesus can.

Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9, NLT

Are you ready to allow Him to transform your heart?

Thanks for joining us this month at Facets of Faith. Comment below or check out our Facebook Page to start conversation threads there. Share the posts you love with your friends and family because that’s an excellent way to begin conversations in your personal circle!