We’re answering the question – what are you desperate for God to do? this month. Tracy, Jen, and Kim have shared their thoughts. You can catch up by clicking on their names. This week I’m (Kim) super excited to introduce a dear friend of mine –Abby Johnsen. She is married to Josh and they recently welcomed their sweet baby girl, Lucy, to their family. Abby is smart and kind and insightful far beyond her years –this is a must read for anyone longing to be loved just as they are.

That question isn’t an easy one for me. I’m not supposed to need something so desperately from God, right? He saved my life through the death and resurrection of Jesus, what more could I ask for? Why do we live our lives from supposed to’s and we should’s? Is that just a me problem?

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

Growing up, that was my walk with the Lord —I thought I was supposed to do everything right and should never mess up. I picked up the rules like a diligent “Christian” girl and not only tried to follow them, but encouraged (read: told) everyone to do the same.

At age 8 or 9, I attempted to evangelize my Muslim neighbor friend. In middle school, I brought my bible to school and read it proudly. In high school, I decided not to date so I wasn’t distracted (Don’t be fooled, I still was. But I tried real hard). I had it together ya’ll. At least I thought I did.

I put tons of expectations on myself and I never lived up to them. My relationship with God was never personal —it was a to-do list. I always felt like I was missing something. I was longing for more but never knew how to get there. I was stuck in this cycle of not knowing but trying anyway. Of forcing any kind of answer or movement from God.

I would hear of other people who would “hear from Him” and “see Him move”, but I couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t working for me. What was I doing wrong? Maybe I’m messing up somewhere I didn’t know about? And so I tried harder. But nothing worked. My failure constantly weighed on me. I tried to persuade a God who, I thought, cared more about my doings to give me what I was desperate for . . . acceptance.

Unfortunately all my work was going to get me absolutely nowhere. I focused on doing all the “right” things while not turning my gaze towards Jesus. I thought I wasn’t worthy of Jesus’ sacrifice. It seemed too easy. What I didn’t realize that what I was desperate for was actually right in front of me.

It was a looooong time before it clicked in my head: the guilt I struggled with took over everything. There was always something I did wrong, something I didn’t do enough of, something that I should’ve done but didn’t. I carried the burden of my sin EV-ER-Y-WHERE.

I played right into the enemy’s lies. I was the lone person Jesus’ blood couldn’t cover. I was the exception. Over and over this would play in my head without me realizing.

Until . . .

It. Is. Finished.

By his wounds you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24b

And those lies got turned upside down.

You’re not worthy. I make you worthy.

Why would God want to be with you? I made you so that I could be with you.

You can’t even go a day without messing up. My strength covers your mistakes.

See, your prayer doesn’t matter to Him. You always matter to me.

You’ll never be enough and He’ll never accept you. You’re more than enough and I’ll always welcome you in.

It is finished. I don’t need to make up, catch up, or make myself worthy. It is finished. Jesus made me worthy.

For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ.” 2 Corinthians 5:21

Ya’ll Jesus is EVERYTHING! He gets in our mess. He doesn’t hold it an arms length away, He gets down in the dirt with us and cleans us off, picks us up, and presents us as new creations.

So now, instead of working for His acceptance, I’m desperate for Jesus. The Creator and Savior. Our Brother and King. For time spent with Him. And I’m learning He’s desperate for that too.

The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth.” Psalm 145:18

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