Hello friend, welcome to FACETS of Faith! We’re so glad you popped in to see what’s happening this month. As usual, the team kicks around the deeper, more personal thoughts from several perspectives. Have you ever wondered if it’s safe to be really you in your relationships or the people in your world? Yeah, we sometimes wonder the same thing! This week, I gotta be me. Come back for thoughts from Tracy, Megan, and our special guest.

It’s time I (Jennifer) let you in on a little secret: I’ve got skillz, with a Z. In 2015 I knew it, and the other Facets knew it, too. My top writerly skill just might be—writing myself out of a piece. I tried leaning in years ago, and I’m still trying. So, this is me being honest and vulnerable; you are free to embrace it, engage, or make a quick exit stage left. FACETS was intended to be a safe space for each of us to be unique and genuine! If I’m going to be really me, I hope you’ll be authentically you.

The most excruciating thing to happen to me was that a best friend moved away. Black, mascara-tainted tears ran down my face. I “ugly-cried” for hours. I couldn’t imagine life without her. I was pretty sure I’d die. (It was junior high, after all.)

Relationship is Connection

Once upon a time I was fine with chit-chat involving the weather; a few happy, sound-bite quips; and a slow, casual swim in the relational shallow end. I wasn’t the only one. Everybody was doing it! Until they weren’t.

If you and I chatted over coffee long enough, the casual conversation would eventually turn and take a dive below the surface, but that’s new. I don’t think I “settle” in relationships anymore.

Each woman I know is unique, and our point of connection is, too. One friend was willing to be my first Christian friend, and she shared her time, wisdom, and her home. Another friend shared her story, and it changed my life. One woman was so generous with her time, we talked almost daily for years. One relationship taught me about relationship, and I’m so grateful!

These women set a high bar for relational connection, vulnerability, and personal integrity. I want to be like them when I grow up. Each one was a safe place for me to land; I hope to be a safe place for others.

Connection Without a Safety Net

Vulnerability is risky. A safety net just seems smart and feels good. The highlight reel is the net because it matches the social media story. Life is easy when the story and the persona remain consistent and shallow.

It gets complicated when Mount Laundrymore erupts in relationships. I believed no one needed my dirty laundry lava—the trauma I lived through, the horrible choices in my twenties, the fights with family members, the swear words I dropped as word weapons when I lost control, my personal and professional failures, the words I bled all over the keyboard that were never read, the meltdown I had in the church lobby over the weekend…

Am I the Real Deal?

It’s all true up there, but those stories aren’t for everyone. And my whole life isn’t just “dirty laundry” either. Who I genuinely am shouldn’t be locked away in a secret place, but isn’t for every human I meet. I think of relationships as dots plotted on a target with a bullseye in the center. Acquaintances are placed in the outer rings, friends and family land in the smaller rings, and then there’s the inner circle.

Truth is, authenticity and integrity beg for the same Jen to connect with everyone at all the levels, but I think long and hard about who I’ll share deeply, genuinely, and generously with. Not everyone should know all of me, but a select few should know the good, bad, and ugly of me.

BFFs?

Is “best friends forever” a thing? My junior high and high school yearbooks say so. Only a handful of friendships have continued to this stage of life, and I’m not sure we’d say we’re BFFs.

I look at friendship differently than I did. Deep, genuine connection is the most important thing now, and that’s becoming rare these days. My closest friends share something special. A forever friend shares a relationship built on something that really does last forever. Frankly, that’s a relationship rooted in Jesus. (I told you I was going to be authentically me.)

Rhyme, Reason, or for a Season?

I can and do have a variety of relationships. Goodness, my friends share common activities, interests, professional skills, hobbies, and even friends! I have very few lifetime friends; those are probably called sisters. I have many friends I realized I needed in my life for a reason. And there are just too many heading off into the distance these days. I think I’ve decided I hate the idea of connection “for a season.”

Disconnection

My friends are sometimes only two-thirds of three dimensions. Little screen faces are hard for me to connect with, to feel safe with. I don’t know why, really. There’s a disconnect.

Harder still, close friends are leaving me! Ladies I’ve laughed, cried, and done sweet ministry with are moving away. A coffee date, an awkward text, or a social media share drops the bomb. It really doesn’t matter how I find out, it’s painful. If the connection feels close, but the reveal is impersonal, it’s excruciating.

People move. It’s what we do. Few people stay in the same place their whole lives. Fewer remain at the same church. What are the chances we’ll stay deeply-connected friends?

Connection is a Choice

Technology is in our favor, they say. It can be like a move never happened, they say. I’m not totally convinced. BUT you and I can choose to leverage all the ways to connect, and we can do it well. Everyone needs love, encouragement, and support, and we can use technology in ten different ways to offer those things. We can also schedule a lunch date, go for a walk, or meet for coffee. The common thread? One person talks to another person, and the conversation leads to relational connection that works for those two people.

It’s a choice to ask, and a choice to accept. It’s a choice to be authentic, genuine, and generous. Am I willing to be vulnerable, pick up the phone, open my laptop, or walk over to my good friend’s (masked) face and say, “Hey! I’ve got time. We need to connect—deeply and for real!”

Thanks for dropping by and hanging with me. Are you wrestling with connection in a social-distanced, fractured world? How are you managing? I’d love to read your thoughts below.

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