connection Archives – Facets of Faith

Let’s Be Real: I Gotta Be Me!

09.10.2020 by Jennifer Howe //

Hello friend, welcome to FACETS of Faith! We’re so glad you popped in to see what’s happening this month. As usual, the team kicks around the deeper, more personal thoughts from several perspectives. Have you ever wondered if it’s safe to be really you in your relationships or the people in your world? Yeah, we sometimes wonder the same thing! This week, I gotta be me. Come back for thoughts from Tracy, Megan, and our special guest.

It’s time I (Jennifer) let you in on a little secret: I’ve got skillz, with a Z. In 2015 I knew it, and the other Facets knew it, too. My top writerly skill just might be—writing myself out of a piece. I tried leaning in years ago, and I’m still trying. So, this is me being honest and vulnerable; you are free to embrace it, engage, or make a quick exit stage left. FACETS was intended to be a safe space for each of us to be unique and genuine! If I’m going to be really me, I hope you’ll be authentically you.

The most excruciating thing to happen to me was that a best friend moved away. Black, mascara-tainted tears ran down my face. I “ugly-cried” for hours. I couldn’t imagine life without her. I was pretty sure I’d die. (It was junior high, after all.)

Relationship is Connection

Once upon a time I was fine with chit-chat involving the weather; a few happy, sound-bite quips; and a slow, casual swim in the relational shallow end. I wasn’t the only one. Everybody was doing it! Until they weren’t.

If you and I chatted over coffee long enough, the casual conversation would eventually turn and take a dive below the surface, but that’s new. I don’t think I “settle” in relationships anymore.

Each woman I know is unique, and our point of connection is, too. One friend was willing to be my first Christian friend, and she shared her time, wisdom, and her home. Another friend shared her story, and it changed my life. One woman was so generous with her time, we talked almost daily for years. One relationship taught me about relationship, and I’m so grateful!

These women set a high bar for relational connection, vulnerability, and personal integrity. I want to be like them when I grow up. Each one was a safe place for me to land; I hope to be a safe place for others.

Connection Without a Safety Net

Vulnerability is risky. A safety net just seems smart and feels good. The highlight reel is the net because it matches the social media story. Life is easy when the story and the persona remain consistent and shallow.

It gets complicated when Mount Laundrymore erupts in relationships. I believed no one needed my dirty laundry lava—the trauma I lived through, the horrible choices in my twenties, the fights with family members, the swear words I dropped as word weapons when I lost control, my personal and professional failures, the words I bled all over the keyboard that were never read, the meltdown I had in the church lobby over the weekend…

Am I the Real Deal?

It’s all true up there, but those stories aren’t for everyone. And my whole life isn’t just “dirty laundry” either. Who I genuinely am shouldn’t be locked away in a secret place, but isn’t for every human I meet. I think of relationships as dots plotted on a target with a bullseye in the center. Acquaintances are placed in the outer rings, friends and family land in the smaller rings, and then there’s the inner circle.

Truth is, authenticity and integrity beg for the same Jen to connect with everyone at all the levels, but I think long and hard about who I’ll share deeply, genuinely, and generously with. Not everyone should know all of me, but a select few should know the good, bad, and ugly of me.

BFFs?

Is “best friends forever” a thing? My junior high and high school yearbooks say so. Only a handful of friendships have continued to this stage of life, and I’m not sure we’d say we’re BFFs.

I look at friendship differently than I did. Deep, genuine connection is the most important thing now, and that’s becoming rare these days. My closest friends share something special. A forever friend shares a relationship built on something that really does last forever. Frankly, that’s a relationship rooted in Jesus. (I told you I was going to be authentically me.)

Rhyme, Reason, or for a Season?

I can and do have a variety of relationships. Goodness, my friends share common activities, interests, professional skills, hobbies, and even friends! I have very few lifetime friends; those are probably called sisters. I have many friends I realized I needed in my life for a reason. And there are just too many heading off into the distance these days. I think I’ve decided I hate the idea of connection “for a season.”

Disconnection

My friends are sometimes only two-thirds of three dimensions. Little screen faces are hard for me to connect with, to feel safe with. I don’t know why, really. There’s a disconnect.

Harder still, close friends are leaving me! Ladies I’ve laughed, cried, and done sweet ministry with are moving away. A coffee date, an awkward text, or a social media share drops the bomb. It really doesn’t matter how I find out, it’s painful. If the connection feels close, but the reveal is impersonal, it’s excruciating.

People move. It’s what we do. Few people stay in the same place their whole lives. Fewer remain at the same church. What are the chances we’ll stay deeply-connected friends?

Connection is a Choice

Technology is in our favor, they say. It can be like a move never happened, they say. I’m not totally convinced. BUT you and I can choose to leverage all the ways to connect, and we can do it well. Everyone needs love, encouragement, and support, and we can use technology in ten different ways to offer those things. We can also schedule a lunch date, go for a walk, or meet for coffee. The common thread? One person talks to another person, and the conversation leads to relational connection that works for those two people.

It’s a choice to ask, and a choice to accept. It’s a choice to be authentic, genuine, and generous. Am I willing to be vulnerable, pick up the phone, open my laptop, or walk over to my good friend’s (masked) face and say, “Hey! I’ve got time. We need to connect—deeply and for real!”

Thanks for dropping by and hanging with me. Are you wrestling with connection in a social-distanced, fractured world? How are you managing? I’d love to read your thoughts below.

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Connection Can Lead to Correction

08.27.2019 by Lisa Kohut //

Hello, friend! Welcome back! If you haven’t seen the preceding posts on this month’s topic, you can catch Tracy’s here Jennifer’s here. We hope you love the topic of connection. Has it been encouraging to you, too? It’s our honor to introduce you to our friend, Lisa Kohut, this week at FACETS. She is a professional in her field, and we think you might like the wisdom nuggets she’s got for you.

L.A. Law, Law & Order, The Practice, Boston Legal, and Ally McBeal are just a few of the many TV shows about justice. Our culture’s fascination with this type of shows reveals the heart’s desire and passion for justice, which is a form of correction.

Before answering this topic’s question, I think it’s important to define the most important terms we’re talking about (correction and connection).

In Hebrew, the word musar means Fatherly correction, and correction is intended to be a form of discipline, which is very important in developing character and self-control. It’s to fix an error.

According to the Webster’s Dictionary, connection is “to become joined; it’s a link, relationship, an association, or an attachment.” Clearly, connection is about relationship in the sense of being joined to someone. We were definitely created in the image of a very relational Being—Our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and Holy Spirit—who invites us to join with Him through love.

1 John 4:18 (NIV) states “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I believe this scripture answers the question for us. If we begin to prioritize and emphasize correction before connection or rules and punishment before relationship and connection, we will be in the business of creating fear instead of love.

God is in the business of destroying or eradicating fear because it causes more sin instead of less. Holy Spirit is clearly in the business of creating bonds with us and between us, which is why we even have a bonding hormone called oxytocin. The more bonded or connected we are to God and others, the less intimidating correction and rules are.

Connection is what helps us know we don’t have to go through the correction alone. For example, I used to work in a therapeutic school with high school students who were struggling emotionally, behaviorally, or academically; and when they were rebelling or acting outside of their true identity in some way, those of us who already had relationships with them were the ones the other staff and these students would call on while they were in crisis. Relationship or love was the only thing that could reach them.

Jesus was our perfect model, and He always connected before correcting. As a matter of fact, often His connection or love was so strong the person corrected themselves and correction wasn’t needed from the outside, which is the best model.

In Luke 19, Jesus saw Zaccheus in the tree and knew he was a chief tax collector who had stolen from people and cheated them. Jesus noticed Zaccheus and told him to come down from the tree because He was going to be a guest in his home that day. Jesus didn’t correct Zaccheus; instead, He connected first by expressing His desire to spend time eating dinner with Zaccheus at his home. Jesus’ love and connection provoked Zaccheus to confess and repent, offering to give half of his wealth to the poor and to give back four times to anyone he had cheated.

Many of us have a knee jerk reaction to the mistakes of others with some form of punishment or judgment for fear that, if we don’t, they won’t learn. The true key to changing behavior is to first respond in and from love and connection in partnership with Holy Spirit. Then we watch the person’s heart change.

Whether it’s your children, co-worker, spouse, parents or friends the answer is connection before correction. It does matter! Let’s make the decision to connect first and correct last, but also trust that sometimes the connection is the correction when the connection alone causes one to avoid doing things that would cause disappointment to someone you’re in relationship with.

Finally, both connection and correction are important, but for relationship sake, let’s implement them in their right order. Let’s focus on connecting and building relationships before we move over to correction.

Our team would love to hear your thoughts. Please share below or at the Facebook Page.

Connection and Correction: Life Lessons from a Control Freak

08.13.2019 by Jennifer Howe //

Welcome! This month at FACETS, we’re pondering connection and correction as if it matters. We’ve all had honey-sweet and stinkin’ rotten experience with this thing. The team is sharing, but we hope you’ll share your thoughts, too. Check out Tracy’s post here. We’ll hold space for Kim and our guest the next two weeks. Come and see!

I (Jennifer) am glad you chose to enter into this space to ponder deep things and find community and rest for your soul. That’s what our team dreamed of—a sincere sisterhood of women learning to tend to heart, mind, and soul (our own and others’).

If you know know me or read my words, you know I’m a mom of two amazing, strong young men. My little boys are officially adults. Once upon a time I winced at the pace of the early years. “It’ll go so quick,” they said, “You’ll blink, and they’ll be gone.” A mom of toddlers doesn’t have a category for that. I didn’t.

They were right.

Give children roots and wings.

Nothing turns your heart toward parenting choices like your kids moving into the “wings” part of roots and wings. An oversized magnifying glass suddenly appears in your hand, and hindsight grants new perspective. I won’t lie. I wish I knew what it meant to walk some decisions to their destination. Perspective. I might’ve made different choices.

It’s not my intent to lament. I’ve gathered shiny, gold truth nuggets over time, and I’m reminded life lessons are redeemed by sharing stories and their wisdom.

A child needs a caring adult’s presence and protection.

An infant can do nothing for himself. A child lacks forethought, reason, and logic. Initially, my role was simply to keep them alive. Feeding. Clothing. Protecting them from a big world they didn’t understand. One needed encouragement to explore; the other required an understanding of life with limits. Often double-teamed, I fell into the habit of knee-jerk response parenting. I’m not proud.

A fault line and faulty imagination.

I was very present. (A smart phone wasn’t an option.) I kept them alive. (An accomplishment. Really!) I learned to straddle and hop the fault line between anticipating and rapid response. Know what happened next? I anticipated more and more.

A three-year-old shied away from people and experiences. I saw him too timid to walk into his first day on the job at twenty-three. A four-year-old shoplifted candy. I saw him in an orange jumpsuit at twelve. I leveraged wisdom, reason, sternness, and cajoling—whatever may communicate my superior life experience and convince the toddler to change. (Really, you ask? Yeah. Really.) Silly me.

Pride versus pride.

As I recall my boys felt ten-foot-tall and bulletproof by the age of seven. As the primary caregiver, parenting shifted somewhere between the ages of seven and nine. I saw myself as the gatekeeper, the line-holder, the establisher of boundaries. I really became an obstacle. Somewhere on the other side of this strong mom (or in another direction) could lie more fun, joy, and deeper relationship fueled by connection rather than the correction. Yuck! I was so blind.

Are you queasy with me right now? Don’t worry. There is hope. I’m encouraged. My intuitive imaginations were wrong. My family partnered in both personal and professional relationships to sort things. My sons are on their own journey toward the heart, mind, and will of God. He’s a better Parent than me. All very good things!

My young men have peered over the edge of the nest; one is fledging, and the other is calculating his flight path. We’re all learning better connection skills and trying to take connecting opportunities. I’m intent on releasing them to God’s mind, heart, and will. It takes practice. I’m not good at it yet.

We can infect friendships.

I thought raising my children to adulthood was all there was in this, but no. I examined my close relationships and noticed something: the conversations weren’t mommy-toddler exchanges, but there were similarities.

A woman falling in love with a man disinterested in her God. You’ll ruin your life! Another marriage in tatters. Learn and do these five basic “wifey things.” A woman I barely know wanting to study the Bible. My forte! Learn how to do a word study in a foreign language! I had all the solutions.

I hadn’t learned to listen. I listened to respond, carefully forming wisdom in my mind and waiting for a pause. Then I’d share my thoughts and experience supported with Bible verses for good measure. Yuck! I was so blind.

The presence-protection fault line, imaginations, and pride hurt relationships, but it took on acceptable appearance in the form of sharing counsel, helping, and teaching. (Ugh! I hadn’t learned a thing.)

I was desperate, and I engaged a boatload of resources! Jan Johnson’s Invitation to the Jesus Life introduced the in-the-moment, purposeful lifestyle. Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby revealed the heart, mind, and will of God in a fresh way. Dr. Henry Cloud’s Boundaries and McGee’s The Search for Significance taught me who I am and how I to do life with God and others. Eventually I learned about the “chiros moment,” a process of discovery unfolding where more good questions exist than preachy-teachy statements.

Everything pointed to the Bible. I learned about the beautiful, biblical, connected life!

Offer the gifts of time and space to others.

Time is valuable. We give a precious gift when we sit with others.

Connectedness is not co-dependence. There is healthy separation in relationships; others are not me, and I am not them. Everyone makes their choices. Can I honor others by releasing them to their heavenly Father, Jesus, Scripture, and the Holy Spirit’s counsel? Let it be!

Active listening is a gift.

In our crazy-busy, proud culture memes and sound bites rule. Yesteryear’s sit coms solved in thirty minutes what this generation relieves in seconds with pithy quotes over an image or a five-minute Facebook Live. Is it possible to listen without planning a smart response? Can empathy come before solving someone’s problem? Yes, but it takes voracious intentionality!

Connection!

I want to see, I mean really see, the person in front of me! Can I be countercultural by offering my time and an ear? I want to know others’ needs, hopes, dreams—their words in their voice, not some shadowy version in my head.

Correction?

What if correction happened when the Bible and the Spirit spoke to the heart? What if wisdom was only shared at the Spirit’s prompting rather than a carefully constructed argument or Kraken-like release? What if the voice and tone were slow, measured, full of truth with gentleness and respect, and not without clear direction from God?

Safe people can enter into deep conversations, and they share truth out of healthy, connected relationship. Then the whole “correction conversation” goes quite differently, I’ve found. I’ve been part of a women’s group that meets regularly on Wednesday nights. This group of ladies worked hard to create a safe, connecting environment. We have miles to go, and there are many more women who need this precious place to land, but we are seeking a place of connection while treading softly with God in correction.

Thanks for reading! I’d love to read your comments below or at our Facebook page.