Depression Archives – Facets of Faith

Where is the Room to Play?

06.02.2020 by Tracy Stella //

Welcome to June and a fresh topic. Join us as we look at the power of play. It’s a gift given to us by God, so we can continue to fight the good fight. Play. Then pick up your sword and fight, sweet friend.

Sometimes, life hands us a whole lot of serious. Stress, trials, & troubles can bog us down. Life dispenses circumstances that cause room for concern. But I am learning to hand those things over to God. He wants us to do what we can and give the rest to Him. Pray. Trust. Be Still. And Play.

For me it’s hard to get to that place of play if I have let fear, worry, or too much of the evening news into my life. I want to be informed, but not formed by what the world is slinging like breakfast at a greasy diner. It doesn’t always sit well in my stomach. I want the Lord and His wisdom to inform my choices. I want the Lord to provide peace when times are turbulent.

It’s a little ironic the word God gave me in January was JOY. The year of 2020 vision, He knew what my future held. He knew I’d need to remain centered on His joy well before I knew how much I’d need it. During all the trials and trauma of 2020 quarantines, isolation, too much of some people, not enough of others, it has been the JOY of the Lord that truly has been my strength.

For a brief moment early on, I wrestled with darkness and depression. It scared me. I’ve walked through that dreary tunnel before. It feels cold and damp and alone. I hadn’t felt that feeling in a long time. In the isolation and unknown of what impact Covid-19 would have on life, I felt vulnerable. I felt the weight. I felt the worry (and I wouldn’t consider myself a worrier).

But the beautiful thing about walking with God is He helps us recognize warning signs. In the stillness, we hear His voice whisper.

“This is the way. Walk in it.”

“Come to Me, My weary one and I will give you rest.”

“Be still and know that I am God. I’ve got this. I’ve got you!”

“Trust in Me. Trust in My goodness.”

“I AM your provider. (Of all things I might add!)”

JOY in spite of circumstances is a barometer of our faith.

When we choose joy, we show others and ourselves we believe what we say. We believe God is good. We believe God is sovereign. We believe God is who He says He is and that He will work everything (even quarantine) to the good of those who love Him.

When we choose faith over fear, play is possible.

Why is that important? There are several reasons play is important. We’ll look at a few.

Play is important for our emotional health

As I shared, early on I felt burdened and depressed. I didn’t like feeling out of control. I didn’t like everyone else making decisions on my behalf. Some I agreed with. Some I did not. If any of you have ever been controlled in an unhealthy way, you might have felt the same.

But God brought about a perspective shift. He didn’t let me linger too long in that space, but I was there long enough to realize at any given moment if I disconnect from The Vine (God Himself) I could be back in that head space He delivered me from. It was a good reminder of my need for Him. He is The Light that drives out the darkness. Always.

God led me to play through blessing others in small ways. I was like a little child, and it brought me great joy. I actually don’t want to get into the specifics here, but leave room for the Holy Spirit to speak to you directly.

What brings you joy that might also bless others? How can your hands and heart engage in something you truly love doing that will have the added benefit of bringing joy to someone else?

And when we play, even if it’s a little self-indulgent sometimes, that’s okay too. When we do the things we enjoy? Our spirit is rejuvenated. We engage with others from a place where play has prepared our hearts and minds to love well. Laughter. Joy. Play. They all have a place in helping us be the best version of who God intends for us to be. So play, sweet friend. Play! Play for you. Play for your kids. Play for your spouse. Play for your friends. Play for your community. They all need your best self. Play is good medicine for your emotional well-being.

Play minimizes stress

Have you felt a little stress these days? God has an assignment. Go outside and play. (Or stay inside but play.) Remember recess? That needs to come back. Give yourself a recess every day. I don’t know what your recess will look like. Whatever it is, do something you enjoy.

We are worth taking time from our busy schedules, for those teaching kids at home, working from home, being the wearer of many hats these days.

We are worth taking advantage of down time if we aren’t as busy. Play now so you will have strength later when you need it.

We all know worry doesn’t help. So why do we do it?

It’s a trap from the enemy. Don’t step into it. Step beyond the stress. Step into God’s best by playing with Him.

I needed an outlet that wasn’t work. My job is considered an “essential” job, so I’ve been working. I have the type of personality that has to be careful not to work too much. In my stress I could have chosen to strive, to keep on the clock day and night. If I’m not careful, I can be my own personal slave driver. But I know these things. God has equipped me. And He gives me tools to help fight that.

If I start to feel guilty for taking time to play, to rest, to just be, to just be me, it’s a dead give-away. Set that stress aside and play. I do not have to feel bad about enjoying life. Neither do you.

I was finding it hard to play with my rhythms so thrown off. I felt led to get a guitar and spend time learning to play it. Whether I become the next Eric Clapton isn’t really the point. The point is to play. The guitar is a vehicle the Lord gave me to step away from stress and striving. The guitar was God’s invitation for me to sit with Him, to laugh at all the odd noises coming from this instrument not yet making music.

There was an unexpected added benefit to an app I downloaded to help me learn the guitar. It had vocal instruction too. So, of course, I fiddled around with that as well. The instruction reminded me of the importance of breathing. With each deep breath I took during play, stress was sloughed off me.

So take a deep breath (literally) and play.

Play boosts creativity and brain power

Have you ever had those times when you are trying to solve a problem or develop a creative concept and you’re stuck? I have found sometimes my brain needs a rest. I have to set aside the problem. If I don’t and keep searching, pushing for the solution, it eludes me even more. It’s as if the more I search for the answer the further away it travels. Like jumping into water, the ripples push what I’m trying to grasp to the other side of the pool out of reach. I made a splash but accomplished nothing.

I’ve learned this in my writing. I can’t force it. It has to come. I need inspiration. I need to let it simmer. I can’t grab for it. If I do, it escapes me. I’ve learned to jot down what I have, walk away, and let the rest simmer without thinking on it too much.

I can’t snatch ideas out of God’s hand before He is ready to give them to me. He’s growing trust in Him. He’s allowing my brain to find healthy rhythms while providing the creative brain power needed for work, writing, ministry, for life.

After all, He is Creator God and we are made in His image. He wants us to create. Create families. Create businesses. Create goodness and generosity. Create art. Create life. Create joy. Create. Create. Create.

To be our most creative, we need to let our hair down a little and enjoy life. Set the work aside. It will be there. God will redeem the time. That has helped me a lot to realize I am actually far more productive when I DO take time to play. I could sit and rack my brain for ideas for hours, days, weeks. Or, I could do what I know to do, go play, let the ideas percolate, and then boom: God’s inspiration comes flowing like a river.

He allows me to play and gives me the remainder when I actually need it. His timing, not mine.

God did this very thing Sunday. Sam and I went for a motorcycle ride (one of my favorite forms of play). God allowed me to see something that heightened a burden in my heart. In the quiet of our ride, God gave me something to write. He entrusted it to my care. As He downloaded various ideas over the course of the day, I text them to myself so I wouldn’t forget. I wanted to write, but I knew I needed to play in order to let it all come out the way God wanted. Play helps us look at hard things without letting them overwhelm us. Impact, yes. Overwhelm, no. God inspired me to write this piece on God’s view of color.

Have you ever went for a walk and came back with a flood of ideas? Perhaps, you fish or boat. Time on the water refuels your soul and you come back invigorated, on fire, and so much creativity inside it’s almost bursting. Maybe you love animals. They teach you how to play. They spark laughter and joy. Their snuggles set your soul at rest and your creativity gets recharged.

Play so that you become smarter and more creative. Give your brain a rest, will you?

My husband used to train triathletes. They’d train super hard for Ironman events. Do you want to know one of the most important elements of a successful training program to compete in a high level event like this? A recovery period. There are times of intense training, coupled with rest. If athletes don’t rest, it actually negatively impacts their performance.

Same with us.

Are you willing to give your brain a rest to have a stronger performance? That “performance” could be your role in the family, your job, your contribution to the community, your (fill in the blank). If you want to do well in life, will you commit to play?

“Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.─Mark 10:15-16 NIV

We can learn a lot from children. We can learn how to enter the kingdom of God. We can learn to play like children. We once played well. How do we get back to that?

“I led them with cords of human kindness,

with ties of love.

To them I was like one who lifts

a little child to the cheek,

and I bent down to feed them.

─Hosea 11:4 NIV

The Lord was speaking to Israel about His love for them in the passage above.

He speaks to us through it as well. He leads us with kindness and love. He lifts us like a little child to HIS cheek. He bends down to feed us.

What if our food is play – pure and simple play?

Pray. Trust. Be Still. And Play.

Play unto the Lord.

If you find it hard to play, watch children. See how they interact with their toys and with one another. Sometimes they’re in their own little world, not a care, creating a tea party, a sleepover, a castle complete with a mote, lava water that melts (aka carpet), or some other creative immersion. Observe and learn (except the not sharing part … we probably don’t want to copy that).

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Do They Know They Are Loved?

03.04.2020 by Tracy Stella //

I (Tracy) am looking forward to seeing how God uses each of the posts from the FACETS team to enlarge your understanding of how deeply you are loved. There is no greater truth that has the power to transform your life and the lives of others. You won’t want to miss what God puts on Jennifer’s, Megan’s, and our special guest Judy Maldonado’s hearts. We’d love to hear a report of what God does in your heart as you open His love letters to you each week this month. We invite you to let His love greet you across these pages. He pursues you.

We want to think our brothers and sisters in Christ know they are loved. We understand the world might not get the height and depth of God’s love for them. But our brothers and sisters in Christ? Surely. Surely, they know at the core of who they are that they are loved. They are forgiven. They are righteous. They are holy and redeemed. They have the deposit of the Holy Spirit ministering, filling, teaching, comforting, cleansing, purifying, sanctifying, and so much more. They know they are loved. Right?

Right?

Sometimes, we can say the words without really believing them, or believing them for ourselves. Jesus loves you. We may even say it over ourselves, but do we let it sink deep into our hearts? Do we let our Father’s hands etch it upon our minds, so we never doubt it?

Or do we only believe those things are true for the “good Christians”, the ones who seem to have all their spiritual ducks in a row?

Here’s the truth: if you accepted Christ, you are a good Christian. You are good enough to receive His love. He is not disappointed in you, precious one. He loves you. He wants nothing more than to help you, to heal you, to make you whole.

We are all being transformed into His image. None of us has arrived. That’s not what this faith walk is about.

Do we wear God’s love like armor to protect us from the enemy’s fiery darts? We need to. Love is a weapon. Jesus wants His warriors to wear His love. Perfect love casts out all fear. (See 1 John 4:18)

Afraid you are unlovable? Perfect love casts that thought over the boat and into the abyss. No one is beyond the reach of God’s love.

Maybe we didn’t do this life perfectly – even after getting saved and we think, “Well that’s it. God can’t use me now. I screwed up royally.”

Maybe we never even got to the mindset where we thought God could use us in the first place. Yes, we got saved. But maybe we think it was by the skin of our teeth, like if God really knew, if those people over there really knew me, they wouldn’t think I was worthy, worthy of God’s love, God’s grace, their fellowship, their friendship, or serving any kingdom purpose.

God knows what He’s getting in each of us. And He accepts us anyhow, whatever our condition. He’s not surprised by who we are. He’s far more interested in who we are becoming. You are not a disappointment to Him. He is your biggest Champion. He is your Companion. Let His love walk you through every season. Let His love greet you on the good days. Let His love minister to you on the dark days when you wished things looked different.

He is present in both.

And He won’t leave you, especially in your darkest hour.

It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m writing this post, pondering whether the people all around me know they are loved. It’s the day of all things red – flowers, hearts, and celebration of love. Christ’s redemptive blood─Love’s greatest sacrifice.

And yet I ponder the fact someone left this world too soon, because in his darkest moments he didn’t fully understand the depths of God’s love for him. Depression doesn’t see beyond today’s struggle. It lies to us saying, “There’s no hope for the future.”

A funeral on Valentine’s Day is hard.

That causes me to pause, a long pause to reflect. Why? How? How can this be?

How can someone who loved the Lord so deeply not know how deeply the Lord loved him? It breaks my heart for him before he breathed his very last breath. It breaks my heart for his family. It breaks my heart for what the world will now miss, because this man left the world too soon.

It’s not any less heartbreaking when someone who doesn’t know Christ leaves this world too soon. But I could at least rationalize in my head that without Jesus this world just gets too hard sometimes. Without Him to carry the weight of our burdens when they become too much, they are too much.

I know that from my own story. It’s tragedies like this that churn my memory. Before I knew Christ, I hit rock bottom, a few times. Life was hard, as it sometimes can be. And without the Lord, hard things can hit us like a ton of bricks. Like a wrecking ball, they nearly take us out.

When I was in my early 20’s I was sexually violated at a party (I can’t bring myself to type the word for what it really was, but you can fill in the word, I’m sure.) If I can’t type the word 30+ years later, you might imagine how I handled it back then. I suppressed the memory. I shoved it into a dark corner of my brain, because I couldn’t deal with it.

The only problem with that logic is that it isn’t helpful. At all. A buried wound isn’t healed. If not dealt with, it festers. And that’s what it did.

My heart and brain couldn’t deal with the pain I tried to cover up with the equivalent of an emotional band-aid. Not dealt with, the pain dealt with me.

That young woman who I have such compassion for now, at the hardness of that trespass against me, couldn’t cover over the pain with her suck it up buttercup skills. Instead, I attempted to take my own life. Depression and grief tried to overtake me.

But God!

God’s mercy sent someone to break a door down and literally saved me. God’s love sent help. I didn’t know Him, but He knew me — even back then, even in the midst of my hot mess of a life.

Fast forward to my 40’s and I found myself ready to sink from the weight of severe depression. I’d lost my marriage, my home, my career, my sense of identity in almost every way. On the very darkest day, I was ready to leave. I was just too weary. I wasn’t a wimp, but I was tired of fighting to hang on. I’d given up hope.

God’s mercy sent a woman to my front door the day I had decided I was done. God disagreed. He wanted me to believe. Believe in Him. Believe in myself. Believe there was hope beyond the darkness of that day.

And there was.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”─Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

These aren’t just any words. If they are familiar to you, don’t let their familiarity steal the powerful, transforming, hopeful truth they possess. There is a bright future ahead for you, even if you don’t see it in this exact moment.

God’s mercy reaching for us tells me how much He genuinely loves us. His mercy reaches for us all; I believe it with all my heart. Cling to Him and the hope only He can give. His love changes lives. I know that full well, and He wants that for all of us.

Do you know you are loved that much too? You are you know!

In both of those scenarios I didn’t know Christ. I didn’t know the depth of His love for me. And when the world hits hard like a tsunami, we can nearly be washed away at sea.

But here’s the thing.

Once we are saved, the same thing can happen. We aren’t invincible. We need God’s love, especially when we want to do great things for God’s kingdom — and we are.

I think of this man who left us too soon. He wasn’t perfect any more than you or I. But He did love Jesus. He was Christ’s ambassador. He was a worshipper. He was a warrior. He prayed for healing for me, and I received it. He was a vessel for God’s power and love.

How does someone who embodies God’s love to others not know it for himself?

How does someone who has passion and zeal for Christ not find the strength to hang on? It’s the very hardest of questions, and I don’t have an answer. It’s utterly heart breaking.

I think of all this world will miss out on and my eyes well with tears.

I wonder, what is the point of this?

I wonder how God can work this to good. I know His word says He works all things together for the good of those who love Him. (See Romans 8:28)

But how God?

How do you take this tragedy and make it into something good?

I don’t doubt You in that; I just can’t see it. But I do pray You reveal Your goodness. I pray You wring every ounce of good You can from this tragedy. Save lives. Open eyes. Reveal Your heart. Heal wounds. Bring revival.

I already saw evidence of God’s goodness at the funeral when this man’s son spoke. I wept at his courage, at his sharing of story, and the beautiful legacy of the love of Christ this man left in his children. I pray this son is one of God’s greatest warriors and that God use him in a mighty way, even as He already did today. I pray God continues to help him rise into the fullness of his calling and that He be a powerful and profound voice that rises up against the darkness. That God’s light would shine brilliantly through him, even as we saw today. In Jesus’ name!

To do the hard thing, I hope this son knows he lived out Scripture poignantly today. Well done good and faithful servant. Well done! You honored your father, and you blessed everyone who got to hear how he shaped your life.

I wonder why I’m writing this post and I think it’s to remind us, none of us is immune.

We all need God.

We all need each other.

Jesus said…

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”─John 13:34-35 NIV

We can’t assume because someone knows Christ that he or she is okay.

We can’t assume because someone has a smile slathered across his or her face they are free from problems and don’t need our help.

We can’t assume because someone loves the Lord and even worships Him that he or she believes they are worthy of Christ’s love. (They are. You are. I am. But we can’t assume anyone believes it.)

If God puts someone on your heart, pray for them.

If God asks you to reach out to someone, do so. You never know if that call will save someone’s life.

We are not called to be codependent, but we are co-heirs with Christ called to love one another.

If God is Immanuel, and He is, He knows. He knows every heart. He holds it tenderly in His hands. And He may call upon us to help that person keep his or her head above water.

God has given all believers the manifestation of the Holy Spirit to be used for the common good.

Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.─1 Corinthians 12:7 NIV

I’ve seen several tragedies in the Church recently, and I think God is saying, “Enough!”

Enough!

He wants us to see each other, really see each other. He wants us to be brave enough to sit with someone in his or her pain. He wants us to love. Sacrificially. No more doing church. He wants us to be the Church. We don’t do these things in our strength, but through the manifestation of the Spirit who deeply cares about the common good.

Mind you, I’m not blaming the Church for these things. I’m merely suggesting we remain attentive and observant to whom God places before us. There is purpose in where He has planted us. The people He has placed in our lives are there for a reason.

We never know what someone is really going through. We don’t know who among us doesn’t believe that they are loved.

What if you and I are the people God is sending to show them they are?

When I went to this man’s funeral, I felt strongly like I was supposed to collect his precious bride’s face in my hands and see her, to give her the most tender of Christ’s touch in a very fragile time. I prayed she would feel God’s love through my arms. I knew my hug wouldn’t be sufficient. I am not enough to comfort her in her grief.

But God is. His Spirit in me and you is the love His kids need.

I pray God’s Spirit manifests in each of us as we are an expression of His love.

There are days when I need it. And there are days when I can give it.

We should be very generous with each other as we give God’s love away. His love is better than any Valentine’s Day bouquet. His love won’t die in a few days. His love is never failing, never ending.

But from everlasting to everlasting

The LORD’s love is with those who fear him,

And his righteousness with their children’s children─

─Psalm 103:17 NIV

That gives me comfort. For all eternity, God will love us. And not only that, but His righteousness extends to our children’s children.

Lord, if there is someone in this moment who is full of despair and doesn’t believe he or she is worthy of Your love, of life itself, I pray You stop them in their tracks right now, that You send a missionary of mercy – even if that is me in this very moment – to say there is a brighter day than what today’s dark shadow suggests. Hang on. Let God minister to you. Let Him fill you to overflowing with His love, healing, and redemption. I pray, Lord, You help anyone struggling with depression. Guide them to professionals and friends You have set in place to serve them. Let the help be kingdom-minded and attentive to Your voice, giving wisdom and discernment to bring healing and hope. And, Lord, I do pray You would help us all to see the cries for help. I pray we don’t miss them. I pray You bring something good from this tragedy, Lord. I pray You strengthen the Church to be able to help minister to one another. We need Your guidance in every way, Lord. We can’t love well without Your leadership showing us how. So please show us. And help every eye reading this post receive Your love. Help us to receive Your love, Lord. Let us wear Your armor of love well. Let us be warriors for You, wielding love as a weapon against the fiery darts of the enemy. Let us be the belief when our brothers and sisters can’t and let them be that for us when we have weak moments ourselves. Keep us humble and submitted to You, Lord. Let none of us think just because we are Christian that we have to portray we have it all figured out, or we have it all together. Let us be receivers of your love, grace, and mercy, because we are desperate for it. In Jesus’ name, amen!

If you have thoughts of suicide, please seek help. Reach out to your pastor or a Christian counselor. If you are in northern Illinois, there are 3 counseling practices I know and trust to serve you with the love of Christ. God loves you so much! Don’t doubt it for a single moment. This is His mercy reaching for you.

YOU ARE LOVED!

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

RESOURCE LINKS to Christian counseling practices in northern Illinois.

Catherine Hunter and Associates

Cherry Hill Counseling

Ken Gates and Associates

How Do We Grow in Intimacy?

07.02.2019 by Tracy Stella //

Welcome to FACETS of Faith, sweet friends! Whether you are a new friend, or someone who has been with us on this journey for quite some time, I (Tracy) pray God meets you right where you are. It’s not by mistake God has brought you to these pages. I pray you feel God’s loving, warm embrace upon you as your eyes and heart absorb what He has for you.

Depending on your perspective, this topic might stir a host of emotion. You could be enthusiastic about the idea of intimacy.

If you’ve had tragedy in this area, you could be terrified at the mere mention of the word. Please don’t check out if that’s you. Hang in there. Let’s see what healing and restoration God desires to bring to your life. You are BRAVE, sweet one!

Perhaps you’re somewhere in the middle, a little indifferent to the thought of intimacy. Maybe you’re unaware there’s a snag in beliefs you have long held as truth. Maybe what you’ve believed for a lifetime isn’t what you once thought when you turn beliefs over and see what lies beneath.

Intimacy can be beautiful. Pure, sweet, love extended to our marital partner. The counterfeit, worldly version can leave us wanting more. Because there is more when we’re rooted and grounded in Christ’s love.

Truth be told, as we tossed out the idea of writing on this topic, some of the FACETS team was more than a little apprehensive. So, if that’s how you are feeling, know that you are not alone. There’s comfort in that thought, right?

For me personally, I embrace the idea of intimacy when it means intellectual connection, when it means experience of fun things together, but sexual intimacy stirs up a whole pot of feelings that, in some regard, my initial internal response is to run.

Life experience used to tell me men wanted one thing and my job was to give it to them. I deeply desired someone to love me, but struggled with the idea I was even worthy of love. The more years under my belt, the more deeply engrained those lies became. I grew to believe I was only as valuable as how I made the other person feel. And because I allowed my misguided attempts at love to guide my decisions, sadly, it was a self-fulfilling prophesy. Very often I attracted the wrong type of man, the one who only wanted to use me for what I could give him and then move on.

Not everyone in my life fell into that category, but many did.

This internal belief only served to create a deeper root of insecurity. I put a lot of pressure on myself to look a certain way, to do certain things – performance more than genuine, intimate connection.

If someone could have looked inside my heart, they would have seen a grieving young girl that grew into a grieving, love-starved woman. As years progressed, I became more and more broken. I became what I thought I was worth.

If we don’t value ourselves. No one else will either.

I also possessed a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors. It all came down to me feeling not good enough, so I’d engage in behaviors that were sure to prove my theory true.

At some point anger set in as well. I was mad about how I’d been treated, about the things certain people said or did. There were deep scars that served to scream at me. Unworthy! Unlovable! Not enough!

I was raped at a party and disassociated from the memory for a long time, even though I had attempted suicide because of that incident. There’s a cumulative effect of life’s trials. All the layers of mine had added up to despair. I was in a relationship with a “good guy”, but after the rape incident, my body and my mind couldn’t carry the weight of it all.

I sabotaged the relationship, because of the depths of depression I was sinking in. It was suffocating, and I wouldn’t have been able to even tell you why. Only my journals revealed the truth. Years later, when I read the words I’d written long before my eyes could handle reading them, I sighed a sigh of relief. Somehow, things began to make sense. Not crazy. Deeply wounded and in need of God’s loving, healing hands that never hurt. His embrace always sweet. Pure. Innocent. Love. Good intentions from the day He created you and me in our mother’s wombs.

Another journal from 3^rd grade revealed inappropriate adult attention from a neighbor. I wasn’t sure if my mind was making it up and reading too much into the words I saw in my “little girl” journal. I was able to verify through someone else who also spent a lot of time with this individual that he had done inappropriate things to us both. As sad as that made me feel for the little girl who used to be me, I was grateful for the puzzle piece to my story.

When we’re ready for the details, they can bring clarity and relief. These insights can’t be rushed or provoked. I believe it’s all in God’s good timing. He shows up as truth mixed with love when we have the capacity to see it, to process it without being undone because of it.

As part of my story, I had an abortion. The unknown trauma that decision caused me came to light a number of years ago (and decades after my decision) when God brought me through a healing journey. I received His forgiveness and was given the opportunity to grieve the loss of my child. I’m glad eternity is long. Time will give us the chance to get to know one another while worshipping Jesus together.

God is merciful to forgive repentant hearts from things we may think are beyond His reach. Even more beautiful? His grace takes our worst sin and works it together for our good. Sharing about my bad decision has helped others to make a good one. Each child’s life saved because sharing of story is a picture of God’s grace. It’s LAVISH, my friends!

Sex used to be my misguided attempt to give and receive love. I really had no concept of what genuine, sacrificial, Christ-shaped love looked like. I thought if I used my body to appeal to men they would love me. Instead, I was so often left feeling unloved and rejected (even if the relationship were longer). I came to believe my worth and value to a man was calculated by how I made him feel.

This and probably a scroll’s worth of sin I brought into my marriage.

My life has shaped me, but it doesn’t define me. Christ does! For you too. Nothing you have done, nothing that has been done to you, is beyond His redemption.

His blood covers my sin and shame. In fact, He blows those things to smithereens. It’s one of the reasons I’m genuinely grateful to God for what He has done in my life. His grace is the only reason I can write about my past without feeling condemned by it.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.─Ephesians 4:32

I have been forgiven much. I had to forgive much. God’s grace helped (and helps) me to not only extend forgiveness but receive it as well. When you have spent a large chunk of your life feeling unworthy, Christ’s grace makes sure you believe you are. Worthy of forgiveness. Worthy of love. Worthy of His time and undivided attention. Worthy of so much more than what we think or imagine.

He wants us to run to Him with our wounds, to rest secure in His arms. He is Counselor. He is Physician. He is Friend. He is our Husband. As children of God, we are His bride.

When you have a past as bumpy as the road I’ve travelled, the only way to feel worthy of the beauty and grace that is God and all He has for us is by losing ourselves in His immense love. If you’ve never experienced the love of God, I pray you are open enough to the idea of Him to receive it. He is Beautiful. Pure. True. Untainted.

He gives us power and strength to peer into our past for the purpose of a bright, beautiful, and hopeful future.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”─Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Even if you don’t believe you are worthy, even if you don’t believe those words could be true for you, if you have only a morsel of hope and belief they are true for you, that is enough. I pray God grows your belief into the fullness of reality that you are worthy. Valuable. Priceless and treasured.

I know this is possible, because He took this once broken woman and gave me a hope for my future. My life is good, pure, sweet and true, because I’m following the One who is Good, Pure, Sweet and True. He brings peace, and love, healing, and redemption.

He makes all things beautiful in their time.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.─Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV

Friends, we can’t fathom the goodness God desires to give us here on earth and for all eternity.

He does give us glimpses.

God gave me a new vision of love and marriage when He brought Sam into my life. From my past and the way I used to create favor with men, God didn’t allow me to use those tactics. He wanted Sam and I to do things differently. I’m so grateful for that!

Because Sam and I weren’t relying on physical intimacy, we created genuine intimacy. I do believe other than God, he knows me best. He knows me better than anyone else ever has. And sometimes he even knows me better than I know myself.

Because we didn’t rely on physical intimacy, I had no choice but to use new tools (mostly a dependency on God to help me walk out a Christian relationship). I prayed God would help me. And He did. And He does.

When there have been challenges Sam and I have had to navigate, as are inevitable in life, we have a strong foundation. Our relationship is built on Christ, the solid rock on which we stand. From that vantage point, His loving hand strengthens and encourages us to continue forward in this loving one another well thing. Really. Truly. Deeply. Flawed and imperfect, but genuine and real. My mask is off. I’m me and I hope he always feels he can be Sam. In the world we might not always be able to wear our heart on our sleeve, but I hope with one another we always will.

Merriam Webster’s definition of intimacy says intimacy is:

marked by a warm friendship developing through long association
suggesting informal warmth or privacy
engaged in, involving, or marked by sex or sexual relations

In aggregate, these make for a brilliant, wonderful marriage. We need friendship first through long association. Friendship isn’t confused by physicality and endorphins. Friendship says, “I see you for who you really are. I like you. I like spending time with you. It could be anything, really, as long as we are together.”

Genuine intimacy also requires warmth and privacy. In a marital bond with Christ leading and guiding, there is a genuine caring and concern. Because Christ lives in us, we possess His nature. He is love. He is trustworthy. He is safe. As husbands and wives, we need to be that for one another. If there has been a breach in trust for any reason, seek to make restoration. Seek forgiveness or seek God to give it to your spouse. It’s not easy. But it’s possible. Trust is built over time, through long association. Little by little, brick by brick, the house Love builds can withstand life’s storms.

While God calls me to share openly and vulnerably sometimes (to help others and to bring deeper healing to me), Sam is most often made aware of my heart long, long before I write or speak about a topic. Sam is kind. He is tender. He holds my hurts and heart gently. Over the course of our long association I have learned I can trust him. At first it felt monumental to share pieces of me and my story, like cliff diving into an unknown sea. Now it feels safe to share with Sam. I can be in my jammies armed with a box of Kleenex, looking a hot mess and know that his heart is for me.

Honestly, the physical nature of our relationship is hardest for me. There’s much hurt and brokenness there on my part, distortion of what is pure, lovely, and true.

God created sex. Satan tainted it. God has grown me to look at sex more through His eyes. At first it was a lot of the “thou shalt nots” being given─not from a distant, dictating God. Guidance given from a loving Father who only wants what’s best for me.

If you don’t know Him or just need reminding,

God wants what’s best for you!

For awhile, I had a hard time distancing myself from memories I didn’t want to linger. I didn’t want reminders of those experiences determined to try to define me. The enemy loved to torment me with those thoughts and doubts. But God brought deliverance and freedom. Years in God’s Word. Years in the school of the Holy Spirit, being comforted by Him and reassured there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Receiving His love and healing. Helping others. These all served to set me free.

Christ gave me freedom. And when I need reminding, He gives me freedom. Sometimes he brings me to new depths of freedom, each time less to hinder me. Growth in the soil of God’s goodness.

God helps me to experience sex as intimacy, not as an act. Acting I was good at. Intimacy I’m growing to become good at. It doesn’t happen over night, it happens in increments. Imagine a bucket on the beach. Little by little you fill it with sand. Eventually it is full. Eventually it overflows. Intimacy is like that.

If you have a story like mine, intimacy isn’t easy. But it if you have a story like mine and God is in the equation, intimacy is possible.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”─Matthew 19:26 NIV

Jesus looks at you.

Jesus looks at you and says, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Lord, help each person whose eyes read this to fear not, to know that You are with them. Help them to be not dismayed. Help them to know You. Strengthen each one. Help them and uphold them with Your righteous right hand. In Jesus’ name, amen!

“Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

─Isaiah 41:10 NKJV

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