Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

An Interview on Marriage

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It’s guest week here at Facets of Faith and I’m (Kim) excited to share with you two of my dear friends, Cathy and Kevin Woodside. I’ve known Cathy for several years now and when the topic of how God helps us bloom through our marriages, I knew you needed to hear their story. My husband and I recently had dinner with them so we could learn more and share it with you. And if you missed our previous stories, check out Tracy‘s, Jen’s, and my posts by clicking on our names. Enjoy!

I sat across from the couple eager for their story. There was an air about them, a comfortableness and camaraderie that could only be birthed through adversity and rooted in hope.

Married for almost 22 years, I knew Cathy and Kevin Woodside had a story to share, I just didn’t know all the details. Listening to them settle in, it’d be easy to assume their lives have always been this way: encouraging, uplifting, respectful, and just downright fun.

But apparently what I saw as my husband and I enjoyed dinner with them recently wasn’t always descriptive of their marriage. In fact, when they first met Cathy was already married and Kevin was a self-described punk.

“I couldn’t stand him,” Cathy laughed, now clearly adoring her husband. Kevin and her first husband met on the job and became fast friends. Years passed, Kevin married, and it wasn’t unusual for the two couples to hang out and socialize.

But over time, each marriage ended though their friendship continued. The need for playdates kept them in touch. Eventually, they started dating.

Cathy set the stage for that season of their relationship. “I wanted to be rescued. I was tired of taking care of problems. I looked at Kevin, not fully sure of how I felt about him. But I knew he was strong and could take care of things.”

Kevin saw that. He knew she longed to be rescued but he didn’t want to do the saving. He didn’t believe that was the right way to begin a second marriage. The two ended their relationship and a year passed before they spoke.

Reflecting on that year Cathy said, “God gave me that time to decide not that I needed Kevin, but that I wanted him.” They eventually started talking again.

I asked Kevin what changed. “What changed? I was crazy about her. And I recognized that she didn’t need to be rescued anymore.”

A search for a new home for Cathy and her kids led them to buying a bigger house, one suitable to blend their families. But after the wedding, something flipped in Cathy. Afraid to be vulnerable and with deep wounds still festering from her first marriage, she began to push Kevin away. She became controlling and argumentative until one day Kevin told her, “I just feel like you don’t love me.”

Even years later, the residual pain from Kevin’s observation was evident as she shared. “That’s when God really started to take over. He helped me realize if there was an obstacle, I would need to behave like a good godly wife even if the feelings weren’t there.”

About that same time, God was speaking to Kevin. “I just needed to give her the benefit of the doubt,” he said. “The Holy Spirit was at work, giving me discernment to see that her anger came from a place of pain and the crap of her first marriage. I knew it wasn’t her, but I didn’t have an answer.”

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19, NLT

This was the moment I waited for – that moment of . . . “but yet God”. That moment when the destruction and devastation turns something ugly into something beautiful because that is the work of God. Redemption. Healing. Restoration. I already saw the beauty in their marriage and in them individually, and this was the turning point. The surrender. The release. The trust.

See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.” Isaiah 12:2, NLT

Through the gift of their youngest son, the community they experienced through a christian youth theater, and the wooing of the Holy Spirit, Kevin and Cathy were stirred awake through the gift of transformational faith. As Cathy watched Kevin be a dad and experienced his unconditional love, her feelings began to change as her heart softened toward her husband. She fell in love with him. Not the Hollywood, stars-in-the-eyes kind of love, though I saw her eyes twinkle every time she looked at him. No, this was a love rooted in truth and hope, grounded in Jesus, the kind that stands firm in the face of adversity.

But while things had begun to change, there was still one crucial element needed for their marriage to bloom. While serving at their church, Kevin was approached by the leadership to see if they’d be interested in leading a marriage ministry. He chuckled. “Did they really know what our marriage was like?” After spending time in prayer and not wanting to disappoint his wife, they said yes. “This was the first time I felt that God really needed to show up, otherwise everything would fail. It was beyond me.” And God did show up, just as He always had. And it was good, Kevin said, from the very beginning.

Cathy believes that “God honored our commitment to be obedient without any expectations in return. He did his part and I did mine. It felt like we got in God’s boat and were resolved to see it through. God is such a redeemer that everything that has happened – all of the brokenness – has been used for good. Those thoughts were not us. Stick it out, behave like a godly wife. . . who does that?”

Only God.

Only God takes two broken people and creates not only a beautiful flower, but transforms brokenness into a beautiful garden as He uses their love story to encourage others.

“We get it. There’s hope for you. I love him more every single day. If you would’ve asked me during those first years of marriage if I’d ever feel this way, I’d say no. But God redeems everything.”

But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.” Hosea 2:14-15a, NLT

Have you experienced God’s transformational power in your marriage? Join the conversation by sharing a comment below or over on our Facebook page.

Love, Hope, and a Sprinkle of Laughter

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We’re talking marriage this month at Facets of Faith, answering the question: how is God helping me bloom through my marriage. Tracy and Jen shared already, be sure to check out their posts. Today it’s my (Kim’s) turn, so here we go!

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me . . . he loves me not.

Last week was the 20th anniversary of my first wedding for a marriage that lasted fourteen years. Fourteen years of holding my breath, slowly plucking at each flower petal as I wondered and waited. He loves me. Chaos and crisis defined most of our years together, until like the failing rose in Beauty and the Beast, the remaining petal shriveled and died. He loves me not.

Marriage scared me. Or more accurately, intimacy did. Could I trust someone with my whole heart again? Was I willing to take the risk of allowing someone near? There was so much pain and sorrow, I wasn’t sure.

A little more than four years ago, in a burst of courage, I signed up for one of those dating websites. Yep, that was me. My divorce was final and I wanted to meet new people. Nervously, I filled out my profile, trying to determine how much to share and what to keep close.

Simple questions like listing the number of kids sent waves of anxiety over me. Who will want to deal with that, I wondered. I decided to stay vague. Vagueness protected. Vagueness kept others at bay.

Emails started filling my inbox. One by one, I hit delete. Until I saw his picture. Peering close, I noticed a child’s hand on his shoulder. Intrigued, I clicked on his profile. There wasn’t much but something in his picture stirred something in me. What the heck, I thought. I hit reply and a tiny shoot broke through the earth.

God had been doing a tender work in me throughout this dark season. He compassionately pulled up weeds of pride and bitterness. He whispered words of love and hope nurturing my soul and restoring the nutrients I so desperately needed to heal my broken heart.

Forgiveness. Compassion. Grace. But I didn’t see the rest of what He was preparing for me, not right away.

Through a series of emails we began to learn about each other, this man and I. We found out we graduated the same year from rival high schools and liked the same cars. We both loved kids and each had a few of our own. Then came the surprise, the one thing I couldn’t ignore.

We both lost a child.

In that moment as I read his words, it looks like we have something else in common, I tasted the grace of God’s goodness. It was as if I were infused with oxygen and could freely breathe again. Not because of this man, but because of how God chose to use this man. That tiny bud began to reach toward the sun. It had been so long . . .

His son, Timmy, died when he was four. He drowned in their swimming pool. My daughter, Emma, died when she was five in a fire that destroyed our home. I remember writing to him that if nothing else, we were going to be good friends. We shared a bond that most, thankfully, do not. We tasted the bitterness of sorrow so deep that changes our very soul.

I often think about that moment, that first bit of connection we felt before we ever met. I tasted hope that day and it was refreshing and good.

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19, NLT

One email led to another until we finally talked on the phone. Eventually, we decided to meet and last month we celebrated our first wedding anniversary. A day, quite honestly, I never thought I’d celebrate again, but only for God’s mercy and grace.

This may sound a little cheesy, but let’s face it, this entire post has that flavor . . . but I feel myself coming alive each day I wake as Russ’s wife. I experienced so much sorrow and death that I became accustomed to its weight around my shoulders. It was like the comfortable sweatshirt I know is ripped and torn, yet feels so safe and warm. Being Russ’s wife helps me learn a new way of life as we embrace the dance of living with grief because he knows it, too.

I never knew being married was like this. I understood the hard part – the in sickness and in bad times. But this good part? The laughter, the fun, the encouragement, the genuine enjoyment? It’s new and like a refreshing rain nourishing the soil God tilled and prepared.

He hugs me at night and whispers I have the best wife ever. It doesn’t matter if I was grumpy or frustrated, if I disciplined his kids or forgot to make dinner. His whispered words of love saturate my mending heart with hope. Hope that marriage is what I thought it could be, hope that two people could not only love each other, but like each other, as well.

My husband stands up for me and protects me. He remains firm when I feel rocked by the waves of fear and anxiety. He longs to provide not only for my needs, but even some of my wants. And he tries to make me smile and laugh every. single. day. Almost to a fault, but it makes me love him even more.

He offers me a glimpse of the love and protection God has for me. I feel safe and secure as I learn more about him, about Jesus, and about myself. I’m beginning to take risks where fear would have won and I’m stepping toward dreams because my husband loves to encourage me on.

Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s ours and it’s good. We brought some carts of baggage to our marriage, but somehow we ended up with a beautiful matching set.

Somehow.

No, God did that . . . that’s how.

I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” Joel 2:25, ESV

How does God speak to you through your spouse? In your marriage? Join the conversation by sharing a comment below or on our Facebook page.

How Is God Helping You to Bloom in Your Marriage?

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This month at Facets of Faith we touch upon an area near and dear to my heart─marriage. I (Tracy) know that word hits us all a bit differently. Some may wince from pain etched deep, too many hurts and not enough fingers to keep track of the sorrow from two broken people who don’t quite know how to love one another well.

Sadly, that’s the story of my first marriage. It halted. Like a sun-scorched river, love dried up. I dried up. Eyes of grace (now) see he did too.

No one sets sail for divorce. Sometimes a shipwreck occurs, and divorce’s devastation takes place. Crashed and battered against rock hard as granite, hearts closed off to hope, sinking in despair faster than an anchor tossed overboard. I’ve been there. Without Christ, there’s little hope for a marriage in jeopardy. I didn’t know that then. I appreciate it now. I hold tight to my Anchor, the One that is the Anchor for my soul. (Hebrews 6:19)

My God didn’t leave me shipwrecked, cast upon the shore like a fractured shell worth little value because of her imperfections. The rough edges, He’d soften. Over time. Like grains of sand, sometimes it felt abrasive, because smoothing out the rough edges often is painful. But with God there is purpose in the pain. God’s healing hands hold us close and restore us, making us new.

The fractured places where His hand fuses us back together become stronger, even as they have the potential to make us more beautiful.

Scars healed help us see our Savior as Healer, Lover of our soul (for He is).

Scars healed help us see others through eyes softer. Less judgment, more compassion.

Scars healed help us see ourselves differently, flawed yet somehow more real and relatable, because we’re not the only ones tired of pretending. Many crave authenticity.

My life is good, but it is not perfect. There is not always a cherry on top. I’m grateful it doesn’t always have to be cherry on top perfection to feel real and good.

I used to think that cherry had to be placed just so and, if not, my world might crumble. The problem with that “theology” is it often does.

I got divorced, and I almost nearly died. I thought I’d shrivel and not ever see past the hurt and pain of that loss, even as I pretended I didn’t need to grieve. Grieve? Why? I’m okay, my common refrain back then. Only I wasn’t. I melted faster than ice cream on a warm July day. I contemplated taking my life, because I didn’t see hope for a new one. I’m so grateful God reached in and gave me a reason to live. Him!

Christ Jesus sets a heart held captive free, and brings more and more freedom each day as we walk with Him. Little by little, or sometimes big by big, He makes us new.

As God does that in my life through the heart and hands of my second husband, Sam, He shows me I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. I’m grateful for that gift. God uses Sam to help me be vulnerable and most myself (other than the times spent with Christ).

There’s something very powerful being loved for who you really are, kind and loving sometimes, but not always. Brave and courageous or weak and trembling, either way whichever wife he has that day, Sam has loved me well. He’s not perfect, nor am I. But somehow God uses two broken people to strengthen one another, to hear each other’s hearts holding them gently. Hearts are tender and can easily be broken. I appreciate Sam’s soft touch to the softer parts of me that feel emotionally naked as I seek his council when I need a wise second opinion.

I think of where we started. Me, too afraid to even utter the word marriage. The “M” word all I could muster. Now, I think of marriage and I smile, grateful to God for the gift He gave me in Sam. If you know him, you know how sweet and kind he is. Had I been stubborn or too afraid to step out, I would have missed a gift from God.

He seeks to understand me, Sam does. He said he studies me. I’m glad for that, because he sometimes helps me gently see things in me or about me that I don’t have enough perspective on. I know me too well. I’m too familiar with me. I need a trusted outside perspective. How do you see this situation, Sam? What insight do you have? Trust. Something I didn’t think I’d ever do again.

If that’s where you are sitting, I want you to know it IS possible to trust again. I started by learning to trust Jesus.  He showed me how to begin to trust others. He showed me how to trust myself again. Slowly.

“Our bravest moments come from trusting, from falling into the plans of God. When we do, bravery becomes less about courage and more about faith.”₁

If you are in a marriage that’s being tossed against the rocks, don’t give up. Divorce is NOT the easy option. As grateful as I am for God’s second chances, it would be very remiss of me to not give this council. I wish someone would have said it to me. Seek God and let Him be the Savior of your marriage. Nothing and no one is beyond His healing hand. Pray for yourself. Pray for your husband. And pray for unity in your marriage. Saving your marriage won’t be easy, but it is possible.

It all starts with the Love of Jesus, for without that, life is futile and full of the illusion of love. Only the Author of Love can properly lead us down love’s river without leading us astray. Jesus helps us avoid unnecessary white waters that would like to pull us under.

Fortunately, God rescued me. And He rescues me time and time again. Often, through the hands of a husband who learned how to love me well, because He allowed God to show him how. Sam would admit to you he didn’t know how to love. At 40 years of age, he’d never been married. What I love about my husband’s heart is he asked God to show him how to love me well. Lucky for me, God answers a prayer like that!

I often have referred to Sam as my Boaz, I his Ruth.  I met him when I was incredibly vulnerable. Many men would have taken advantage of that. Some did. Not so Sam. He showed me something different. A man of character who treated me like a woman should be treated, with dignity and respect. I remember being nervous, not knowing how to act in this foreign field of Christian relationship. How does this work anyhow?

God showed us how.

Through my marriage God has brought me from being a wildflower to a lillie, growing more and more pure each passing year. Mind you, there’s much more purity to be had by yours truly. But God has brought Sam and I quite a distance from where we first started.

My Boaz who didn’t take advantage when so many others had, helped me to regain my self-esteem. Through Sam’s love, I saw the Father’s Love. Still do. The idea of intimacy restored, restored back to God’s intention. Holy. Beautiful. Possible even when it doesn’t make sense based on a person’s track record.

Sam and I recently celebrated our six year wedding anniversary. I can’t quite believe it. Feels just like yesterday. No, it’s not 25 or 30, but it’s something significant from a gal who wasn’t willing to consider walking down the aisle again.

Perhaps even more astounding is what God has done in a relatively short amount of time. He has helped me to bloom because of Sam. I would not be the woman I am (and the woman I am becoming) without him.

A man, in fact, should not cover his head because he is God’s image and glory, but woman is man’s glory.─1 Corinthians 11:7 HCSB

As my husband, Sam partakes in any good God brings forth. I am a reflection of him and his love for me. I’ve experienced God’s love through Sam, and because of that expression of love, God’s glory is revealed. Love is always a reflection of Christ. Not the stuff of Hollywood, but the stuff of life, real life, the hard stuff as well as the good stuff. The stuff of tears when I need comfort and I find a safe shoulder to rest my head upon. The safe harbor helps me to bloom.

I hold my head higher, because I’ve experienced honorable love. Dignity restored, because that was the Father’s design all along.

The best anniversary gift I’ve received so far was fruit of Sam’s love standing right by my side at church: three young women rescued from sex trafficking whom I now get to help. Had my husband not loved me well, I wouldn’t have bloomed. Unimaginably, God wouldn’t be able to use me to help three other tender hearts learn how to receive love, and sometime in each of their futures, to love others well. To trust again. Someday. That is my prayer for each precious one.

I can talk with them about how hard it is to trust. I get it. It’s hard; it can feel impossible. I can also talk with these precious women about hope of love, intimacy, and restoration beyond their wildest dreams. Three beautiful buds waiting to bloom, but starting to open up, stood to my left, my husband to my right. Me sandwiched between trying hard to hold back tears on Mother’s Day as I thought, Lord, how on earth did I get here? Thank you! Not in a million years would I have guessed this one!

Later, in the car, I got to tell my husband how much I appreciate him. God put it on my heart to give him an anniversary present of honor. You see, Sam is not only my Boaz, he is also a man of mighty valor. He’s brave. After all, he took on me (and oh did that take courage back in the day!).

None of the ministry God has given me would have been possible without you, Sam. None of it. Because you loved me so well, I am now able to love others well. Thank you! Because of our story, I can give them hope that they will have genuine intimacy, the love we’re all after. Every woman helped, you have helped. This is your ministry too!

And it is.

Epilogue:  Thank you for helping me to bloom, Sam! One day you will receive many rewards for the things you’ve done in secret to honor and love me well. Until then, I pray you receive rich rewards here on earth as well. I know when you get to heaven one day (hopefully far, far into our future) Jesus is going to hold you in His arms and tell you “Well done, my good and faithful servant. You did good. Very, very good, My son. I am proud of you. You were a good steward of your wife and an excellent model for other men to follow. Well done, My son. Well done.”

If you are married, how can you allow your husband to help you bloom? How can you honor him?

If you’ve never read the book of Ruth in the Bible, I encourage you to do so. It’s a beautiful love story that points to Christ’s love for us, His bride.

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

₁Lyons, Rebekah. You are Free. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017.