divorce Archives – Page 3 of 3

When All I Have to Offer is Broken

12.20.2016 by Kim Findlay //

This month at Facets of Faith we’re answering the question, “what do I have to offer?”. Tracy and Jen have shared their heart-felt responses, ones you don’t want to miss. Take a moment and jump over to their pages to see how they responded.

I (Kim) was terrified. The divorce was final and I had started the slow rebuild of all that was damaged. I felt unsure, unsteady, and unworthy. But there I sat at the computer, rereading the email for the eighth time.

We’d love to have you back to share the story of the death of your daughter and how you trusted God.

It took a few moments for the invitation to sink in. I spoke at this church a few years prior and shared my story of trusting God after the death of a child. I offered practical tips on how I learned to trust Him. But that was before the divorce.

I started to feel like a fraud as I read. What did I have to offer? My marriage fell apart and I almost did, too. I still cried. A lot. I questioned and wondered and struggled. I talked with God about my pain and loss all the time but didn’t seem to have many answers. I felt broken, damaged, and unusable.

All I wanted to do was to offer God my best. But during that season of my life, my best didn’t feel all that great. I looked around and saw other people doing great things for Him: impacting countries, writing transformational books, and making real differences in peoples’ lives.

And then there was me.

Broken. Grief-filled. Wrestling and struggling with life. Not all the time, of course. But it seemed every time I took a step or two forward, I got knocked back three or four.

I sat in front of my computer, hoping the answer would jump out from between the lines. I wanted to be honest — with Him and myself. Yes, I wanted to offer my best, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized what I really wanted to offer was perfection.

I wanted to show God the pristine pictures and put-together poses. I didn’t want to show the frustrations and painful places that still plagued me. I didn’t want him or anyone else to see all those broken pieces I kept trying to sweep up and hide.

Perhaps you can relate?

The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7b, NLT

My heart was broken, but it was still beating, even begun to heal. During those dark days I started to hear a quiet voice whisper soothing sounds to my soul. I experienced God in ways I’d only tasted before.

I love you.

But if you only knew . . .

I do know, and I love you. Nothing will ever change that or take you away from me.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39, NLT

But what about the time I . . .

Not even that.

But I ‘m scared. What will people say?

It’s okay. I’m with you. I will never leave you.

I have nothing to offer you, nothing good. My life is full of broken pieces.

That’s enough. Trust me with them. Watch what I can create.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20

Broken pieces. A shattered heart and failed marriage. A life filled with sorrow and years of disappointment. Oh, and tears — gallons of tears cried in the shadows. To the world, my life looked like a mess, but to God? Well, to Him, there was value. There is value.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8, NLT

Like a child offering a precious gift to a loving parent, I held out all my broken pieces and offered them all to Him. I named each piece and placed them at His feet. When I was done, I felt empty, yet somehow at peace. I trusted He would remind me of His love and grace on days I tried to take my offering back and on the days I felt strong.

I chose to trust He will do what He said and create something beautiful out of the ugly mess. So I hit reply to the email and said yes. After all, I had much to offer.

And so do you.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:1-3, NLT

Jump in and join the conversation here or over on our Facebook page. We love to hear from you!

Freedom and the Red Sea

09.20.2016 by Kim Findlay //

This month at Facets of Faith, we’re answering the question what would you give up to maintain your freedom? Tracy and Jen have already shared. Be sure to check out their posts by clicking on their names.

As for me (Kim), when I think about this question, an epic story comes to mind. A story of slavery and the quest for freedom. A display of power and great love.

The Israelites crossing the Red Sea.

I often wonder what life was like for them.

From the good life under Joseph’s provision to the growing tension between two nations to being enslaved by the Egyptians, the Israelites were beaten, controlled, put down, and placed in bondage. They grew weary and longed for freedom, yet freedom seemed so far away.

Have you ever felt that way? Caught by something where the weight wears you down, trips you up, and enslaves you?

Maybe it’s an addiction, or a broken relationship. Maybe it’s a pattern of unhealthy choices, or a marriage that’s tearing you apart. Whatever the pain may be, it has the power to control and keep us locked up in turmoil.

There’s been a lot of brokenness and sorrow in my own life. From the death of my daughter to years in a difficult marriage that ultimately ended in divorce, I often cried out to God in despair, wondered if my life would ever change.

I wanted relief. I wanted my circumstances to change. I longed for the freedom found on the pages of Scripture and felt it was beyond my grasp.

For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17, NLT

“I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” John 10:10b

I wanted that. Freedom for a full and abundant life. But truthfully, I didn’t really know what that looked like. I lived in bondage to brokenness for so long, freedom – true freedom – seemed elusive, almost like a cruel joke.

Kind of like the Israelites.

They prayed and cried out to God, wondering if their situations would ever change. But God did hear their cries, their sorrow and lament, and He planned to do something amazing about it.

I wonder if any the Israelites knew what was coming? Did they suspect they were about to be rescued and see the glory of God? Do you think anyone laid in the bed at night as a sense of expectation filled the air? Or were their chains all they saw?

Enter Moses. Moses, saved first by his mom in a little boat, and then by Pharaoh’s daughter from the river. Moses, the one who heard God in a burning bush, called to lead His people to freedom. Moses, the one who questioned, and the one whom God answered. From let my people go to the 12 plagues until Pharaoh finally said go. And go they did, all the way to the Red Sea.

The Red Sea.

That’s the moment I wonder about. That moment when the freedom seemed but a hair-breath’s away. That moment when the hope that soared high was threatened by the stretch of water before them.

I wonder what the Israelites were willing to give up in that moment in order to maintain their freedom?

They gave up their homes, and all that was familiar. As they stood on the banks of the sea, what else were they willing to release? Fear? Disbelief? Uncertainty? Doubt?

Perhaps those are some of the same we need to give up in order to maintain our own?

God, the One who led them in a cloud during the day and fire by night, commanded Moses to spread out his arms. Did the Israelites stare in disbelief as Moses raised them up? Did doubt crowd their minds and tumble from their lips?

Is he really doing that? Will it even make a difference?

As the sea began to move, did their hearts skip a beat? Were their doubts and questions replaced with expectancy as the waters shifted?

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20, NLT

What about that moment when the sea parted and the ground was dry? What happened then? Did the nation move quickly, a spring in their step as faith propelled them forward? Or did they move with hesitancy, trapped by the doubt regardless of what happened before their very eyes?

For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9, NLT

Scripture doesn’t tell us those specific but it does make know that never once during those moments at the sea, nor throughout their wanderings were the people of Israel alone. God was with them every step of the way, working out His perfect plan to draw the nation closer to Himself.

But they had a choice. They had to choose let go of what they knew in order to experience what they didn’t.

As God mends my heart, He is showing me that I have a choice as well. Yes, Jesus came to offer us freedom from sin, freedom from death and destruction, freedom to live an abundant life in Him, but unless I move, I’ll remain in chains.

Like the Israelites, I can choose to stay on one side of the sea, sure of what I think I see, or I can step out in faith, release my thoughts and expectations, and follow the One who sees it all.

I’m learning to let go of the very things that have hurt me most – the sorrow of death and the pain of failure. I’m learning that my freedom – peace and joy and abundant life – are worth the risk of choosing to heal, choosing to trust.

I’m letting go of my fear and my doubt, believing God is as faithful and true now as He was when He parted the Red Sea.

I’m learning there is freedom when I release the pain of my past to the One who holds my future as I fix my eyes on the living Author and Perfector of my faith.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.” Hebrews 12:1-2a, NLT

What hurt are you willing to give up in order to maintain your freedom?

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

How Has God Changed Your Perspective About Someone Else?

06.07.2016 by Tracy Stella //

I find it interesting the way God led us to pose June’s question. To me (Tracy) the question asks us to consider more than one angle. As I tilt my head to the right it looks one way, to the left another.

There’s “how,” as in a methodology. What process did God use to change our perspective about someone else?

There’s also “who,” as in what person did He use to help us see in a different light?

When I first looked at “my person,” I saw him under harsh, fluorescent-like illumination. My view of him wasn’t natural. It glared. It got to my eyes, making my vision fuzzy. Fury, pain, and too many tears have a way of blurring things.

“I see marriage as an operation that sews two people together, and divorce is a kind of amputation that can take a long time to heal. The longer you were married, or the rougher the amputation, the harder it is to recover.”¹

My person is my ex-husband, Mike. I’ve held off writing about him and our situation until now. Now feels right. Now feels wrapped in forgiveness, but it wasn’t always so. I think it’s important to visit a bit of what it was to see what God did.

We were married for well over ten years. There were good years. And then there weren’t. Neither one of us were believers. Neither one of us went to church—until things got desperate and we didn’t know what to do with one another anymore.

Our marriage was in a sad state. Without God in the center of marriage, how does anyone hold it together? We don’t have enough hands. Believe me. I tried. My pride and my performance-driven nature told me I could keep it together until one day my pride said, “Enough is enough!”

Pride is an ugly animal. It roars and ravages relationships with others and with God. Pride is probably the biggest inhibitor to a relationship with Christ. When we think we’ve got things under control (or can get them there), we don’t recognize our need for Jesus.

When our marriage was in a season of desperation, we were surrounded by a sea of non-believers. Warning! Be very careful whose counsel you listen to. I had plenty of people telling me to leave him. Because I wanted to, I did. Oh, I didn’t really want to; I just didn’t know what to do. I was scared. I was mad. And I was embarrassed. How did we end up here?

I felt stupid, and back then especially I didn’t like feeling stupid. I still don’t love it, but I’m learning not to expect myself to have all the answers. I don’t. Back then, I didn’t know I didn’t need to. The Sovereign One has all the solutions I’ll ever need! Thank You, Jesus!

How does someone live in the same household as another person and not see addiction?

I walked around with blinders on, because I was too afraid to peer into what was really taking place. Only in hindsight did I see what was sitting under my nose. I wanted to believe he was just tired. Each relapse I wanted to believe it would never happen again. I wanted to believe in my fairy tale. Tracy married her prince, and she lived happily ever after.

But it wasn’t true.

No princess ever watched her prince’s head swim in a bowl of French onion soup. Over and over he took a dip. That image still breaks my heart. Addiction is sad. So sad. His hair saturated by the oily onion soup stench as his face swam in the cobalt blue bowl, cheese baked down its side. Kitty often would sneak up and secretly lap at the liquid.

There’s a lot I’ll leave out. No need to dredge through it all. After several relapses and not knowing what else to do, I put my foot down one last time. Out! And it ended. Amputated, Mike was completely cut out of my life in the physical sense. He didn’t step foot in the house again, even though we remained separated for a long time before we actually got divorced.

I think subconsciously I was holding out, waiting to see if he’d fight for our marriage and leave the substances behind. He didn’t. I don’t think he could. Wounded, I ran to other relationships for comfort. And I didn’t stop running and hiding in what others offered. Later, God showed me my pride in all of this. But I didn’t see any of that at the time. I was busy grieving in the weirdest of ways.

The day of the divorce he was a no show. For some reason that was one of the things that stung the most back then. I felt like he viewed our marriage as insignificant, not worth investing any more time in—not even for a court appearance to end it. The marriage was over without much fanfare. Later, I realized he either couldn’t appear in court emotionally or couldn’t because of addiction. It didn’t mean everything was always horrible, nor did it mean the time we shared was insignificant. It meant he couldn’t.

Over a decade spent with another person is never insignificant. It shapes us.

God changed my perspective about my ex-husband. God showed me the person I once loved is someone He still deeply loves. And I’m called to love Mike in a different way now. It is love to forgive, to release a person.

God changed my perspective when He showed me Mike was broken, just like me. I could no longer hate him when I saw his hurt. I recognized what that felt like, and I wouldn’t want that for anyone. God taught me too much about what love really is to want that for anyone–even if that anyone had inadvertently hurt me.

God has used the pain of that time, the trauma, to help me never lose sight of the blessings I have in my current marriage to Sam. We can’t take people–our marriages–for granted. We can’t assume just because something is good today means it will be good tomorrow. We have to make investments in one another, because we make withdrawals (even if on accident).

What methodology did God use to help me change my perspective about my ex-husband?

It took time. I needed to distance myself from the pain in a healthy way.
It took a relationship with Jesus. He healed my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed.
It took reading God’s Word and learning (and believing) He had plans and hope for my future. I needed hope. Desperately!
I began to understand my contribution to the demise of my marriage. His addiction was substances. Mine was work. My addiction was just socially acceptable.
I didn’t see my own sin. I had a great big plank of adultery sticking out of my eye. The failure of a marriage takes two. Sometimes the sin is obvious; sometimes it’s not. Just because we don’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. We all have our blind spots. God revealed truth in love. And then I saw.
As I became more aware of my own brokenness, I was able to see my ex-husband’s. His addiction wasn’t aimed at me. I was merely caught in the crossfire, just as he was caught in mine.
The more I experienced God’s love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness, the more I was able to extend it to others. I read R.T. Kendall’s book, Total Forgiveness, which helped too. I forgave Mike long ago.

Forgiveness is not easy, but it’s possible. Sometimes we need to forgive ourselves. Sometimes we need to forgive others. More times than not, I’ve learned it’s a bit of both.

Through it all, I moved from sorrow, to anger, to shame, to healing and restoration. I went through boxes of tissue. And the bowl of tears God’s holding in heaven? If it were anyone other than God carrying it…it would be too much.

On the other side of divorce, God showed me “everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior, the hope of nations.²” I do. Everyone does. My ex included.

“My God is mighty to save.²”

Join me as I pray for my ex. I’m not sure where he is with addiction or with Jesus. I pray he is in recovery and I pray he knows Jesus. And that he’s happy. I know all are possible. Thank You, Jesus, for bringing those to my life!

How has God changed your perspective about someone else? Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

¹Gilbert, Elizabeth. Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia. New York: Viking, 2006.

²Zschech, Darlene, writer. Mighty to Save. Hillsong/Columbia, 2006, CD.