Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

Who Do You Love? Me, Myself, and Mine?

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Hello, friends! Welcome back to FACETS this week. I (Jennifer) hope you enjoy following along with February’s topic: Who Do You Love? It’s been a bittersweet journey for me, as you’ll see, but don’t miss Tracy’s thoughts here or Kim’s next week. This promises to be a thought-provoking topic, but share your thoughts on that, and we’ll know for sure.

I have a confession. I asked myself, “Who do you love, Jen?” The answer wasn’t pretty. An honest response to that question required examination of my words, emotions, efforts, time, and talent. The soul-searching led me down a road I wasn’t sure I wanted to take, but it was worth every step. Take a peek. You might find your own brand of “brave” to take a few steps.

For people will be lovers of self… 2 Timothy 3:2a

Once upon a time I perceived my life and heart all wrong. I’m a wife, mom, teacher, friend, daughter, sister, and aunt. (Those are the roles I think of in a few seconds.) In a sense we’re defined by our relationships, aren’t we? Each relationship has its unique inner workings, expectations, and give and take. When I looked at my close relationships, I saw the “give and take” in each one, but zeroed in on the big, ol’ GIVE for some reason. I was ashamed when I realized why.

Sadly, I mistook something ugly for selflessness and sacrifice. Sacrificial love and giving in relationship has a grotesque caricature, and it looks like my own face, but green with envy, a pouty lip nearly hiding my chin, with a “martyr complex-ion.” Know what I mean? *Sigh* Who wants to own that truth? No one I know.

The first steps on this road were difficult. The truth can hurt.

How do I know I loved myself? Others weren’t excluded from my thoughts by any means. It was in those relationships that I saw the self-love playing out. My words could be focused on me, my life, and my needs. My emotions could be bigger than they should when I was on the wrong side of a conversation or situation. My efforts could be laser-focused on my interests, projects, or in my defense. My time could be used to serve my own needs, and self-care could be the thing I fought for daily. Sadly, my talents seemed to be working as a conduit for personal goals.

I notice that when I am hyper-focused on me and my life, I’m left to evaluate all of it by others’ lives. It’s ridiculously easy to fall in love with the best of what I see and hope to have. Beautiful inspiration starts as “Someday I’ll…” but translates to “I want it now-w-w-w-w-w!” Envy and selfishness distort everything, except motive and means.

I don’t think selfishness was in everything when I looked closely, but my face was at risk. I could take on the envy and selfishness, that ugly caricature, like Dorian Gray. My heart and mind could become more and more preoccupied with me. Or I could choose something else…

It didn’t take long to find what God says about the problem I might face everyday.

For where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil. James 3:16

I see two challenges for me there. The first is in placing myself at the top of my priorities list. The second is using others as a measuring stick for life. There’s a breeding ground for “every kind of evil.” If I love me first, I have to assume that I “hate” others in comparison. (That includes God and everybody, really.) Ouch! I can speak from experience. Envy and selfishness do nothing for relationships; they ruin everything faster than you can say, “Me, myself, and mine!”

Then I landed on something I couldn’t ignore. Galatians 5 contained a long list of “works of the flesh” which were “obvious” (vv. 19-21). You only get one guess. What do you think was included in that list? Yup, envy and selfishness.

Two things I want to remember about that passage:

• “Works of the flesh” are the things (efforts) dead set against God.
• People who indulge in the list “will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

Does that mean if I know Jesus and His peace, I can be disqualified from the promise of love made at the cross? No, the covenant promise isn’t fragile or fickle. If I intend to continue to indulge life patterns described by that list, there is something insidious at work. Ultimately, I love me, my survival, and my preferences more than I love the One who died to free me from my life of sin.

And that’s when I heard my own voice in my head: Now, there’s you’re problem!

I dropped the next question on the doorstep of the One who could handle it: God, I can be so selfish! What am I gonna do?

If you read my post last month (on God’s promises), you know who we can count on: Jesus and Holy Spirit. The deepest part of my soul found comfort in the verses that followed the “list.”

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, we must also follow the Spirit. We must not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. Galatians 5:22-26

Do you see what I see there? An antidote to envy and selfishness leaps off the page. I see love and various displays of love following. In my mind, there is love, and the rest follows. (Some translations punctuate that way.) Because Jesus sacrificed so much to be in relationship with me, I live lovingly toward others out of His love for me. And I do that because I can? No, I do it because the Holy Spirit is in me to make it possible. I say “Yes!” to Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and I say “No!” to envy and selfishness.

That’s the “intellectual ground” covered, but that is not how faith works. Faith knows God’s way, aware it’s impossible to do alone, and takes steps with Him. For me, that looks a like praying for new desires more like His and the strength to choose them. And it looks like seeing other people and loving them well. (I struggle in my busyness or obliviousness every day.) Sure, I’ll take care of my own self appropriately, but I hope to stop placing myself higher in the priority list than I ought.

It’s going to be a bit of a fight. As I said, I can be selfish.

Do you share this struggle? Where might you begin your journey toward selflessness? If you walk the road I’ve traveled—I won’t lie—it might be hard, but you may find beauty in the destination, too.

Signature, Jennifer Howe

 

 

 

 

 

The Gifts of Joy and Humor in Life

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Hi, friend! You came to visit, and I’m so glad you did! This month the FACETS are sharing about God’s sense of humor and joy, so August is peppered with chuckles. Tracy shared last week, and you’ll want to get your eyeballs on that one! You won’t want to miss Kim’s contribution next week. Then one of my dearest friends will share a guest post. You definitely need to read Jenna’s post the fourth week. Please hop into the flow and share your funnies, too!

The platypus. If someone wants to know how I (Jennifer) am absolutely sure God has a sense of humor, I could point to the most distinct critter on the planet. An egg-laying mammal is unusual. This toothless creature has no stomach; he has a gullet like a bird and relies on gravel to eat and digest food. He has a duck bill that can detect electrical fields—that’s a superpower. Retractable webbing allows him to change from web-footed water critter to sharp-clawed land rambler like a Transformer®️. And the best part? Mr. Platypus (and only the mister) is—wait for it!—venomous! God’s creativity incorporating unique characteristics from every part of His mind definitely reveals something of His sense of humor. There’s so much joy for me in platypi.

But God doesn’t stop His fantastic originality with critters. Do you know someone who shows off God’s seed of humor in their lives? I have been big-time blessed with two sons, and that (as some boy moms will agree) is fodder for all kinds of laughs. Though, I admit my laughs often had some delay—minutes, days, or decades. *Grin* Take this example: a few weeks ago my brother-in-law shared snippets of the video from his wedding about ten years ago. One clip was PRICELESS!

Imagine: A roaming videographer is capturing best wishes for the newlyweds. This is so perfect and sweet. The video will be the best reminder of all the friends and family on a very special day. What a precious way to walk Memory Lane together after decades of life together.

Fast forward to the part we saw…

My husband’s happy face stared right into the lens and shared nearly two minutes of encouraging words. I was interested in hearing what he had to say, since I hadn’t heard it the first time around. And then…

The “Hambone.” My preschool-aged son’s face appeared in the lower right corner of the screen behind his daddy. First one side, then the other, and back to the first side, making faces the whole time. (We all laughed at the boy playing for the camera while the very happy, encouraging daddy had no idea.) It was one of those adorable moments captured for all time, and it was hilarious!

Eventually, the adorable boy with neatly spiked hair in a tux lost interest in the camera and moved on. Tony kept encouraging the newlywed couple, but I drifted from the words. I noticed, behind him several feet away, I was having a conversation with a cousin. The conversation paused—

The boy had found an open area on the carpet in the lobby and shifted to his favorite activity: breakdancing. In the middle of the lobby. (Have I mentioned he was wearing a rented tux?) Honestly, he had some impressive moves for a preschooler, including spins. Conversations continued around him—except his mom’s.

I had trouble focusing on his dance moves in the video because the next thing I saw was my ASL non-verbal communication kick in. (I had to laugh.) To my husband’s left on the screen is a spinning dance move. Over my husband’s right shoulder is me, signaling what most people know as “SAFE!” in baseball. Back then, I just hoped my son could remember it meant “Don’t!” I probably I hoped the accompanying look filled in any gaps.

Now all of us were laughing at the video, and I was laughing so hard the tears were flowing!

Friend, I can’t tell you how perfectly-timed my brother-in-law’s video was. Sometimes life can be tiring and just too serious, can’t it? Sometimes we desperately need to laugh, and it’s hard to know where it will come from. Maybe it’s the joy in the platypus. It could be in watching someone enjoy life to the full (breakdancing in a tux and all!). Maybe you begin to laugh at yourself. I know this: we really need to laugh! I’m glad sometimes we have the gift of laughter when we need it.

If you’re a mom of littles, you might enjoy laughs several times a day (little people are funny, after all). But maybe that’s not your life—the littles, the laughs, or the frequency of them. If I could do one thing differently, I think I would search harder for the humor in the everyday. The spray-starched sheltie’s 90-minute bath would have been fun. The two-year-old on the refrigerator would have been funny. The ridiculous tendency to get lost would be hilarious. Stress’ kryptonite is laughter, I think.

When life is challenging and you’re feeling pressed by the stuff of life, it’s time to laugh. Who do you know that can bring you back to your giggles, chuckles, and all-out belly laughs? That’s a good place to start.

God’s gift of humor and joy is precious during the hard times. Where we ultimately want to get to is the place of joy—the upbeat, peacefulness blanketing us when we stand in the messy kitchen or the eye of the hurricane. Can you find humor in some of it? Can you find your joy even if the humor hasn’t arrived yet?

Strength and honor are her clothing, and she can laugh at the time to come. Proverbs 31:25 CSB

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice, let them forever shout for joy! Shelter them; and they will be glad, those who love your name. Psalm 5:11 CJB

How have you seen God’s gift of humor or joy in your life? Take time to thank the friend who gifted it to you when you needed it. Be sure to gift it to others when you can.

Thanks for reading, friend! Would you gift me and the readers with your humor or joy today? Share below or at the Facebook Page.

Signature, Jennifer Howe

How Do You Love Your Friend When It’s Hard?

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This month we welcome guest contributor Juli Chaffee to FACETS of Faith. Juli is a wife, mom, and friend who understands the importance of strong and healthy relationships. She owns Crossroads Counseling Center, where she seeks God’s wisdom as she guides her clients on their healing journey. Sit back and enjoy Juli’s insights on how to love a friend when it’s hard.

Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane. He said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him. He began to be sad and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is very sad. I feel close to death. Stay here. Keep watch with me.”  He went a little farther. Then he fell with his face to the ground. He prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering away from me. But let what you want be done, not what I want.”  Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter.  “Watch and pray. Then you won’t fall into sin when you are tempted. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”  Jesus went away a second time. He prayed, “My Father, is it possible for this cup to be taken away? But if I must drink it, may what you want be done.”  Then he came back. Again he found them sleeping. They couldn’t keep their eyes open.  So he left them and went away once more. For the third time he prayed the same thing.  Then he returned to the disciples. He said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look! The hour has come. The Son of Man is about to be handed over to sinners.”  Matt 26:36-45 NIRV

The story above is a powerful example of the crossroads of hardship, friendship and the choices made at that intersection. Jesus Himself wanted his friends close in hardship. He chose his tribe of twelve to be with him at his darkest hour for support and comfort.  How is it possible that our sister-tribe would be any different?  Who do you want by your side in pain, fear, exhaustion and sorrow? Who do you wish to be when confronted with loving of a friend when her life falls apart?  Here is what I struggle with….

How do I love my friend when she has hardship in her life?

How do I love my friend when I’m in a place of hardship?

How do I love my friend when she is hard to love?

Our existence on this earth is riddled with loss, suffering and trauma.  Jesus even told us “Hey- you know this life will be hard, right? Don’t worry though, I am here. You won’t be alone.” John 16:33 (my very loose interpretation).

Scripture tells story after story, real women’s lives, depicting evidence of this pain. Curl up with  Ruth, Bathsheba or Sarah-  and read their stories of hardship. Take Bathsheba for instance.  She was married and, by all accounts, living her life happily and according to plan.  One night the powerful King David sees her bathing on the roof. He desires to have her and commands her to spend the night with him. This sets off a chain of events that turns her life into a nightmare. She becomes pregnant with his child.  King David murders her husband so no one will find out about the affair. He then brings Bathsheba into his home as his wife. Tragically her infant son dies – all due to King David’s sin. Can you imagine?  Her life turned horribly upside down in less than a year!  She lost her husband, her home, her baby, her family and friends. She must have felt shame, grief, anger and loneliness. Her hardships would be overwhelming for anyone to share, but I assure you she needed a friend to be there with her and for her.

The Bible offers several commentaries on friendship. Most seem to have a similar vibe. A good friend is important.  She will love you and be there for you when you need her.

Proverbs 17:17 says it well: “A friend loves at all times. They are there to help when trouble comes.”  It seems easy, clean cut and “do-able” when you read it, right? But what happens when that friend is too exhausted by her own journey to help you?   Or your friend is too incapacitated by anxiety, depression or addiction for her to love you well… or love you at all?  What if you are feeling overwhelmed by your friend’s pain and have no idea how to love her, let alone know what to say or do to help her? What if YOU are the friend who is overwhelmed?

One of the refrains I hear most from women who are struggling with difficult circumstances is they feel alone.  When they most need a friend at their side, that space is empty and achingly  quiet.  As the friend, I wonder if you feel insecure and incapable to meet your loved one in her pain.  Maybe it’s too hard to sit with her when her situation stirs up fear for your own sense of security and peace.

Let’s re-visit that story about Jesus in the garden. He was depressed, struggling, longing for comfort.  Do you see what he wanted from his friends?  He wanted them to be with him and to be awake.

“Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” I hear his sadness and hurt, probably something you have felt yourself at one point.

Back to our question: How do you love your friend when it’s hard?  It’s simple, but not always easy.  Show up.

Guess what? It’s ok if you don’t have all the answers – your friend isn’t looking to you for magic words to eliminate her situation.  It’s ok if you don’t know exactly what to do – your friend doesn’t expect you to remove her mountain.  It’s ok if you are scared, sad and worried yourself.

Together you and your friend can share the pain. You can remind her she isn’t alone, forgotten or rejected. You can share her journey and be a witness to her story.   When it’s scary and messy; when your friend is hurting;  when you don’t know what to say;  just show up.    It’s enough.