healing Archives – Page 6 of 7

The Transforming Power of Forgiveness

08.02.2016 by Kim Findlay //

I’ll never forgive you as long as I live!

She was mad, furious. She was only 9 years old but determined to make her friend pay for the pain she felt. Stomping her foot she declared those words and gave voice to the feelings that festered inside.

Fast forward twenty-five years. Staring at her husband, she’s shocked at the words that spewed from her mouth, resentment burning because of what he had done. Those same words she once yelled at her friend reverberated in her heart. Resentment gave way to bitterness and bitterness wrapped its tangled roots around her heart.

Have you ever felt that way? So wounded that all you wanted to do was shout I’ll never forgive you! To have your pain avenged as you declare your woundedness at any cost. This venom release may feel cathartic, even empowering, but living that way is dangerous. A resentful heart breeds bitterness, and bitterness poisons our soul, destroying any relationships we long to experience.

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” (Hebrews 12:15, NLT)

So what’s the antidote to this poison of bitterness?

Forgiveness.

For those of us who follow Jesus, we are called to a different way to live. We are called to forgive, to live in community, and value life-giving relationships where we encourage and build each other up.

Perhaps your heart races as you read these words. But you don’t know what happened to me, you reason. If you really knew what he did, what she said, how they hurt me…

There are times, horrific times as pain cuts deep and details describe unspeakable offenses where the shards of someone’s brokenness rub up against ours and we bleed. We bleed sorrow and grief, wondering if those shattered remnants will ever heal. We bleed pain that no one knows, that perhaps we’re too afraid to share.

For that, dear one, I am so sorry. I am sorry for the pain you feel and the broken pieces you’ve collected. I’m sorry that part of your story is even in your story.

But here’s what I know because I have also experienced deep wounding at another’s hand. I know God sees you (Proverbs 24:12). He knows what happened to you and is near you (Psalm 34:18). I know He sees each tear that falls (Psalm 56:8), and hears each desperate cry (Psalm 55:17).

Here’s what I don’t know. I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know why you experienced such sorrow and grief or why the details of that particular story are details in your personal story. But I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the years that no one noticed. I’m sorry for the unanswered prayers and lingering questions. I’m sorry for the unhealed, tender places of your heart that you’ve walled off in self-protection.

But I also know this particular story in your life is not the entire story of your life. There is more, so much more to experience where hope and healing are possible as we’re willing to take one step toward forgiveness.

When we choose to forgive, we release the desire, and perhaps even the right, for revenge. This doesn’t mean we excuse their behavior or even choose to continue in relationship. We release the power they have over us to continue to hurt us by allowing us to set the right pieces in place before the right Person. Forgiveness shifts our gaze and provides context for the story we tell ourselves.

There is a battle going on – one that we cannot see. While it’s easy to look at someone and think they’re the one with whom we’re battling, the reality is that there is a much larger war waging on.

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Soon after my daughter died in a fire that destroyed our home, unspeakable things were said about me from people I knew, people I loved.

At first, I wasn’t sure how to respond. The accusations made my head spin and crushed my already broken heart. But as I pressed into the lies, as I poured my heart out to my Father in heaven, He opened my eyes to the battle that raged around me. I saw brokenness and pain, fear and sorrow. I saw the battle was not about the words that were said or even the circumstances that had occurred, but about creating division and fear while destroying precious relationships.

The thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy.” John 10:10a

As my gaze shifted and the story I told myself changed, I took a step toward forgiveness. I remember praying against the root of bitterness taking hold because I refused to allow the darkness to win. This choice to forgive wasn’t easy; it’s not for the faint of heart. Nor is it a sign of weakness or caving in to what had been done.

No, when I chose to forgive, I made a declaration. A declaration that God would win, that He is in control, no matter what. Forgiveness is a step of faith releasing the desire for revenge or punishment to the One who is fighting for me, the One who is for me, and at work within me.

As He is for you.

The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” Exodus 14:14, NLT

When you choose to forgive, you release the power to the One who restores and redeems. It draws you nearer to the presence and heart of God. Because forgiveness is not easy, it is not a natural response to our wounding.

Forgiveness is a gift, a gift for me and for those with whom I’m in relationship. God tenderly heals the darkest corners and my deepest wounds as I pour out my hurt before Him, inviting Him in, asking Him to move and protect, to redeem and restore it all. He has transformed my distrust into deep intimacy, and my story from tragedy to triumph.

And it all began with a step toward forgiveness.

What about you? Does bitterness have a hold of your heart or are you learning the power and gift of forgiveness?

When the Shadow of Fear Looms

07.19.2016 by Kim Findlay //

This month we’ve been answering the question “how has God changed my perspective about an issue”. Tracy and Jen shared their stories earlier this month. You do not want to miss them so click on their names and check out how God shifted their perspective on two very personal issues.

I have lived much of my life battling one thing: fear.

When I was little, fear took the shape of typical childhood distress. Fear of the dark. Fear of being lost. Fear of losing my mom or dad.

As I grew, some of those fears remained in my childhood while others shifted into the shadows, lurking close enough to incite anxiety but far enough to remain elusive, unidentifiable.

I didn’t always know I struggled with fear. Early on it wore different faces: moving cross-country; making new friends; starting new schools; the darkness of our basement; moving out of my parents’ home with a newborn baby; uncertainty and distress after the Oklahoma City bombings; blending a family of five after a debilitating stroke struck my first husband; adding a sixth member to our floundering family.

During those years I rationalized my feelings and disregarded their strength. Fear lurked in every corner of my heart, threatened any sense of peace and security yet I was convinced if I just tried harder, served God more, and did all the right things, those feelings would dissipate in absolute trust. After all, doesn’t the Bible tell us not to be afraid, supposedly offering one verse for every day of the year? So if I felt afraid, if I allowed fear to dig its roots into my soul, did I not trust God? Had I lost my faith?

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious righthand.” Isaiah 41:10, NLT

I believe Scripture is true. All of it. I believe when God tells us not to be afraid, we’re not to be afraid. But what I struggled to understand, what I’m still wrestling through: what happens when I do feel afraid? When fear steps creeps out of the shadows and looms large? Because it happens. A lot.

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7, NLT

March 2, 2005. My greatest nightmare, my biggest fear, became my most devastating reality as fire destroyed our home and death snatch away the life one of my children. Fear no longer lurked in the shadows but became as real as the air I breathed.

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before the. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6, NLT

I could no longer pretend fear had not been a constant companion. I could no longer deny its existence. I watched its shadow creep over the precious face of my little girl as I stood on the brink of allowing fear to consume me, erasing any existence of God, any truth I thought I believed.

Yet as I stared at my greatest fear, as I look it square in its eye and grabbed it by its shoulders, a greater truth began to take shape. A truth I had heard but was only beginning to understand.

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12, NLT

Fear is a feeling, a very real and legitimate feeling given to us as a means of protection. As I stood on my driveway as my house burned, the fear I felt was real and appropriate.

But sometimes it seems bigger and feels even stronger because the unseen world twists and corrupts. That’s the goal, after all: to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10a). The battle is real and fear can be an effective weapon.

Fears are distorted into the what-if’s and what-might-be’s. What if fire strikes again? What if my spouse chooses to leave me? What if something happens to my child? What if I can’t make the bills this month? Scripture calls those fears “worry” and challenges us to determine their usefulness (Matthew 6:27-30). All they do is snatch away our joy, our peace, and sometimes even our relationships.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7, NLT

What do we do when fear creeps in? How can we respond?

I’m learning to bring my fear to Him. Every. Single. One. I’m learning that He doesn’t taunt me or ridicule me. He won’t condemn or make fun of me. As those feelings creep up my spine and grip my heart, I’m learning to cry out and invite Him in, to call on His name and be reminded of His power, power that is stronger than any fear.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear.” 1 John 4:18a, NLT

He’s changing my perceptive. He’s opening my eyes to see His true character, who He is and how He cares for me, the truth that He loves me and knows everything about me (Psalm 139), including each fear I face.

The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” Exodus 14:14, NLT

I’m learning that while fear lurks in the shadows of this broken and fallen world, I don’t have to face it on my own. Nor do you. We can safely and confidently press in to the One who loves us so much that He fought death on our behalf . . . and won.

Wait patiently for the Lord. Be strong and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14, NLT

“For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17, NLT

What issue do you believe God is wanting to shift for you? Join the conversation and share in the comments or over on our Facebook page.

How Has God Changed Your Perspective About An Issue?

07.05.2016 by Tracy Stella //

As glorious as the sun is, its rays burn if we don’t find shade’s safe solace. We need protection from what could cause harm. As long as we take precaution, the sun is beautiful, inviting even. When we choose to go unprotected into summer’s sun without calculating the cost, the rays scorch as they move from warm to sizzle.

Something beautiful in design turns out to be quite painful to the touch. Our skin in need of healing, because we exposed ourselves to too much of summer’s tantalizing allure. We didn’t count the cost, and the decision to play in the sun made us uncomfortable in our own skin.

I (Tracy) have gotten too much exposure to sun. I’ve also gotten too much exposure to sin. Sinful decisions have scorched my skin making it painful to touch. Only when God’s soothing balm of love and forgiveness covered my former shame-scorched surfaces, did I see my need for God or His healing hand. Once I felt His soothing touch, my pain began to subside. As pain receded like an ocean tide, I began to walk in my purpose.

I didn’t always seek the safety of God’s shade. Now, I know the shadow of His wing is the safest place to hide as He covers me in His love, forgiveness, protection, and healing while leading and guiding my life.

In some ways I think, “Oh what I wouldn’t give to go back and do things differently.” How would my life have looked if I had known Jesus and my need for Him all along? What if I always had known how much He loved me?

But then I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t have learned the hard lessons I must have needed to know. Maybe my sin was the only way I could see how good and merciful God is to us—to me. I don’t know. I do know He’s helped me climb many mountains.

Healing can feel arduous, but the outcome is worth all the effort we must put in to fight for it. I’m sitting on the other side of some mountain climbs thanking God and thinking, “I am so grateful You had me start in the valley as You helped me to rise higher. Higher into my healing. Ultimately, higher into my calling.”

Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep. You, LORD, preserve both people and animals. How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights.—Psalm 36:6-8 NIV

As I have grown to understand my need for God’s love and forgiveness, He has helped shift my perspective on many things. He has helped me (and He keeps helping me) not to become scorched by my own sin.

One place He has shown me a different perspective is in the area of intimacy.

Before I knew the truth of God’s abundant love for me, I was needy in the area of love. I’d search for it however I could get it. Sex too soon and outside of God’s design was only one way I tried to fill the void. There was also striving, performance at all costs, people pleasing, and a whole host of other ways I tried to get people to love me.

Looking for love, operating out of need, is a very dangerous endeavor. We fall victim to Satan’s lies that the allure of sin will somehow help us feel better. We are also easy targets for people who are broken and in their own sin.

God first showed me what an intimate relationship with Him looks like. He met me where I was and held me close. He rooted me in His love, taught me through His Word, and helped me see who I am and how He created me to be.

Prayer became a sweet time to pour my heart out to God as I grew to know He leans in to hear what I have to say. He also taught me how to hear His voice, my listening crucial to fulfill His divine purpose for my life.

Awareness of how deeply known and loved I am by God changed me forever.

Using God’s model of intimacy, He has shown me how to bring genuine intimacy into my marriage. The more I learn and understand of God’s design for intimacy in general, including sexual intimacy, the more I see how duped I was over my lifetime—especially in this area.

God has shown me, and continues to show me, what it looks like to let someone in—really in—to a place and space where I am truly known. It’s vulnerable and real, and that’s what makes intimacy so valuable. I’m loved for who I am, not for what my sexuality has to offer. That’s powerful!

Sex is beautiful. It’s absolutely breathtaking when it’s in the context of a safe marital relationship.

Outside of that context I had no business engaging in those activities. It’s not because God is some sort of prude He asks us to wait. It’s because God desires to protect us. He wants husband and wife to become one. God doesn’t want us letting just anyone into that sacred space. He knows the scars that will be prevented if we take precaution and calculate the cost of giving the most precious parts of ourselves to the wrong person, or even too early to the right person.

I think about all the risk I exposed myself to. I think about the fear and anxiety I had to endure, because I ventured into “off limits” territory. I think about the cost of my sin. It had great expense for me, and for others.

One very costly area I encountered as a result of my sin also became one of the biggest perspective shifts God brought.

I paid the high price of getting pregnant outside of marriage—twice. I remember being very embarrassed that I got pregnant a second time. My pride could not handle having another child without being married.

While I didn’t necessarily believe in abortion, I believed in a woman’s choice. My pride screamed it was my decision. While I chose to keep my first child, I did not choose to keep my second. My sin was multiplied, because I fell to my own fleshly desires and I believed the lies of the enemy. It wasn’t just pride. I was also afraid. I already felt “not good enough” as a mom. There was a laundry list of reasons why I thought this decision was good.

That was only on the surface. I believe deep down I knew it wasn’t right. I even tried to “punish” myself afterward by not taking any of the medications to stop the bleeding or alleviate the pain.

Decades later God showed me a different perspective about abortion. It’s not a choice. It is sin.

I was reading the Ten Commandments. As I read the “thou shalt not’s”, I remember saying in jest, “Well, at least I didn’t commit murder.”

God asked a question in one of His most effective ways, since of course He already knew the answer. “Really?”

He asked the question, and then He waited.

I was very confused at first. God brought clarity. As I dialogued with Him quietly in my head, it was then He told me my choice to have an abortion was murder.

God was gentle and merciful with me, but I will never forget that day. He comforted me, sitting down in the dust of my sin as He soothed my pain from that choice.

When the reality of my decision sunk in, I sobbed. In God’s perfect timing He revealed the truth to me in love, and it was like a flood of remorse broke free. I went from joking around with God to a place of absolute repentance. God communicated in a way that convicted me without making me feel condemned; the beautiful balance only He can pull off. He needed me to walk in truth, because that’s where freedom waits.

God couldn’t heal what was left in hiding. Oh, and did I need healing! I just had never realized it.

It’s another of those big perspective shifts God brought. I needed healing from my decision to have an abortion. In God’s mercy, He brought it. I had been hiding for years from my decision, but that didn’t mean its effects hadn’t hindered me most of my adult life. It had.

Healing was hard, but the soothing aloe of Abba Father helped me through it. He allowed me to see how that decision shaped so many others. How I had bought into lie upon lie about myself. I had been buried in shame. That’s why I kept the decision so well hidden. I remember feeling unworthy of God’s goodness or His forgiveness, but I also grew to know how imperative they both were (and are) to walk in freedom from the sin that once hindered.

God in His infinite mercy gave me my child’s name, Asher. God told me Asher is happy with Him, seated at Christ’s banquet table. What more can a mama want than to know her child is safely seated with God, happy? I don’t know how all that happens, but my faith says it can. It’s one of the hopes I cling to: I will one day meet Asher and get to spend all of eternity with him. I have no right to that privilege, but that is what makes God’s mercy so powerful. We don’t deserve it, but He blesses us with mercy in spite of who we once were.

There’s a lot God can do with a repentant heart.

My decision is now part of my calling. God has placed women in my path faced with making a similar choice. I can’t make her decision for her, but I can share how that decision shaped my life. I can share how much it hurt me, and others. I can share what God shared with me in a way others wouldn’t be able to. God doesn’t let me stray too far from the emotion when I share my story. I don’t walk around “feeling it” all the time, but when I’m engaged in an important, life-saving conversation, God keeps me connected to it all. It’s important for authenticity. I have to go back and visit those feelings. It’s important, because a child’s life might be saved. That possibility is worth remaining connected to things that are hard.

The outcome is solely up to God; He only asks me to be obedient when opportunities to talk present themselves.

Besides my gratitude to God, there’s a powerful reason I want to keep myself emotionally open to engage with others about my biggest mistake. It motivates me to know my son Asher’s life mattered and still does. God brings me conversations with expectant mothers. Any child’s life saved because of a sharing of my story is part of Asher’s legacy. It’s his story too. It’s Asher’s legacy of love as I silently say, “This is for you sweet son.”

It’s also God’s way of bringing beauty from ashes. God redeems what we feel is far beyond His reach and He shows us how He works all things together for our good, even the choices we wish we would have never made. Nothing is beyond His reach. Nothing.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lords holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.—Ephesians 3:14-21 NIV

Has God ever radically transformed your opinion about an issue? What or who did He use to shape your perspective? Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Need help with post-abortion healing?

If you think you need help healing from a decision to abort your child, consider participation in Surrendering the Secret Bible study. God used the teaching to heal my heart, and I highly recommend it.

Also know that you are forgiven. Scripture even goes as far as to say that if we claim to be without sin, the truth isn’t in us. He forgives us when we turn from sin to follow Him. (See 1 John 1:8-9) The truth is what sets us free. (See John 8:32)

If I could reach through this screen, I’d surely be giving you a hug right now. I’d tell you it will be okay. Trust God. Lean into Him and let Him heal your heart. Let Him love every part of you back to life. Healing, wholeness, and freedom from shame are all possible. I pray you feel God’s hand leading and guiding you every step of the way. In Jesus’ name, amen!