What lessons has life taught me? Just a small question, small like the climbing of Mt Everest. Since we are always in the process of being transformed by the renewal of our mind (Romans 12:2), change is ever under way. Change means lessons learned always, if we’re listening, if we take heed.
Rather than become overwhelmed by the question, I thought I’d focus on one area of life. Still, it feels big, looming like the ocean when you set sail on a cruise and find yourself far from shore. Looking out, all you see upon the horizon is where water kisses sky, waves reaching upward. Vast. That’s how big marriage feels and the lessons God has, and is, using it to teach me.
This month FACETS thought we’d approach the question in a timeline fashion: “Where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going”. Our hope and prayer is that God meets you as we share our hearts and what God is doing in our lives. We pray God uses our writing to help us and you remember where we were, but more importantly where we are going. With that in mind, back to my life lessons as it relates to marriage.
Where I’ve Been
At 28 I got married. I thought I waited long enough to know what I wanted, to know who I was. I thought I knew things, more things than I really did – especially when it came to marriage!
I thought I’d married my Prince Charming. The shoe seemed to fit perfectly. Glass slipper turned into shattered hearts, mine, and I imagine his too. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
We started off well enough. In love. We thought that would keep us afloat. It didn’t. Sometimes, the water gets choppy and you need more than love, the way most people think of love. Marriage takes sacrificial love. It takes dying to self. It takes setting aside pride and seeking to understand. I knew none of these things.
I’d read a lot of Cinderella and virtually nothing of the Bible.
Neither my ex nor I knew the Lord, but we had each other. Us against the world. We eloped secretly to Jamaica and its sandy shores. Ocean, sky, salty air and us. We didn’t see the impending doom upon the horizon. It would take over a decade to implode.
So what happened?
How does love get lost?
How do things turn from ocean, sky and salty air to just, well, salty (before forgiveness sets in)?
For me, one of the reasons things turned so far off course had to do with fear. I feared marriages where fighting was part of the dynamic. I didn’t want volatility, so I avoided conflict like the plague. I didn’t want to argue, so often I would stuff things down. What I didn’t talk about wouldn’t become real, never mind when one little problem, upon one little problem, upon another isn’t dealt with in a healthy fashion. Life can get sucked out of any love relationship.
If we’re not being real about what we want and need and how we feel, we’re not loved for who we are. We’re projecting what we want things to be or what we think the other person wants them to be─codependence at its finest─rather than what they really are, which ends up in shipwreck. After all, we’re made to be truly known, seen and loved. God gives us marriage as a picture (and tool) of His love for us. Man and woman, not to be separated once joined. (Matthew 19:6)
It’s gut wrenching when they are ripped apart. I know. Perhaps you do too.
I denied any issues by not looking at them. I was too naïve sometimes. I was too afraid others. I was lost, in a big world and, like Christopher Columbus, had one version of how things should look and was wrong.
A marriage devoid of fighting isn’t necessarily good. Perhaps, a marriage devoid of fighting means people aren’t communicating enough.
Fear told me fighting was bad. My faith now says, dealing with conflict in a healthy fashion with Jesus at the center is desirable.
I denied his problems. I denied mine. If I had it to do all over again, I’d deal with my junk. Junk leads to sin, shame and sorrow. Unhealthy people inflict pain. Those who get hurt most? The ones closest.
After a big wrestle with all that was wrong, my pride said “divorce him”. Others affirmed my choice. I had no Jesus. (He was there, I just didn’t know Him.) I obviously had no faith. I had nothing solid to stand on, and because the ship was sinking, I jumped off the side. I imagine the impact of a plane crash landing in the ocean. It hurt that much! Maybe more.
The pain didn’t set in right away. I was too busy running. I ran to Hawaii. I ran to the Caribbean. No matter where I ran to, I couldn’t outrun the pain of my broken heart. Who knew? I WAS invincible. I didn’t have the intellectual aptitude to deal with all the emotion threatening to take me away, like the tide carrying debris off the shore into the inky ocean.
There was danger lurking too. I encountered even worse relationships after my divorce. Wounded women are easy targets. I might as well have put a big bulls’ eye on my back.
And then I met a gentleman. He changed things dramatically!
Where I Am
How did I meet this gentleman? What was his name? What does our love story look like?
This Gentleman’s name is Jesus. He saved me! He saved me from harmful relationships. He saved me from harming myself to escape a sea of shame, sin, and pain. His love invaded and consumed me, and my life has never been the same.
His love reached into my heart and spoke all the words I’d longed to hear my whole life. I felt seen. I felt known. I felt understood – for the first time. Miraculously, my pride collapsed, and I knew I didn’t know everything (or pretty much anything). I didn’t need to. I knew, and know, the One who does.
He tenderly loved me back to life. I was limp, left for dead. The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). That almost happened. But God. The truest, most real, Prince Charming swept away His bride. His love left me breathless. It still does.
When we really let God’s love invade us, we are never the same. It’s His love that leads to life transforming change. It’s only when we deeply experience God’s love that we can convey love in a meaningful fashion to others.
If your relationships are amiss, explore whether you are fully abiding in God’s love. In Jesus’ words:
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” ─John 15:9 NIV
If love relationships start to slip, go back to the above. Repeat until things are set right once again.
If we are unable to give and receive love to others, sit with God. Experience His love. Experience Him. Don’t move into a love relationship before you know as you know the love of God. It’s reckless. It’s consuming. It’s the sweetest, most precious gift He gives us. His love, it’s really beyond explanation. As much as I have experienced it, I desire to experience it more. Because when I do, I am a kinder, better version of me. His love helps us become the best version of ourselves.
God’s love gives us confidence. His grace and mercy tangible evidence of His love.
Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.─Hebrews 4:16 NIV
His love is perfect, and it casts out all fear.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. ─1 John 4:18 NIV
What I’ve found about myself, and others for that matter, is when we react badly to each other, the real reason often is rooted in fear. We’re afraid of getting taken advantage of. We’re afraid of getting hurt. We’re afraid we won’t get what we want, or we won’t get our way. We’re afraid of – fill in the blank, because there is no shortage of things we can fear.
But God’s love casts out fear. God’s love gives us confidence. God’s love helps us to trust in His goodness, which leads us to trust others too.
Trusting God led me to first kneel at His altar, to humbly seek Him, and to listen to what He has to say. Certainly, I try to anyhow. And even in those very early baby years of my Christian faith, I grew to know I could trust our sweet Jesus. Because of His love, I believed Him when He asked me to “trust Him”.
God asked me to “trust Him” to get married to my current husband Sam. As terrified as I was, God’s perfect love cast that fear aside in my heart. I was consumed with the truth that I did trust God and I would obey what felt like walking on a plank that could send me plunging into an inky abyss. I would never have taken the risk it takes to be vulnerable in marriage a second time had God not fostered in me first a loving, trusting relationship with Him.
Out of God’s perfect love that casts out ALL FEAR, I was able to love another human being again.
I met Sam at church, saved only 2 weeks before we met. Skittish and scared, I embarked upon dating my first Christian at age 40. A lot different than my other dating experiences, for sure. I remember being so afraid I was going to mess things all up. I remember not even wanting the relationship at times, not because Sam wasn’t good and kind, sweet and loving, but because of the aroma of fear that God kept fanning away.
I believe the enemy knew how strong Sam and I would be together, how through the love God gave us and poured into us and our marriage, we were going to be a hindrance to the kingdom of darkness. Guess what, marriages forged in the strength, power and love of Christ are a force to be reckoned with!
Make no mistake, the enemy LOVES to attack marriage. When things are going wonky, we always need to look for evidence of the crafty serpent slithering away. He doesn’t want love and relationships to exist. The enemy’s plans are to destroy, to rip apart what God joined together.
God’s plans are that no one separate what God has joined.
So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. ─Matthew 19:6 NIV
I pray God forges all of our marriages, current – or if you are single, future – in the strength, power and love of Christ. I pray God covers us and our marriages under His protective wing.
Communication is critical to healthy relationships. We can’t make assumptions. We need to clear the air. We need to convey how we feel.
Recently, I shared with my husband how I was feeling about a scenario. He is a kind and good man, but sometimes he doesn’t readily entertain what I’m saying. Like all of us, we can start to plead our case before hearing the other side. What’s different about this is that I don’t let that response silence me nor do I typically let it create World War III.
Sam will encourage me to “believe the best”. I try, but sometimes I question it (generally if my feelings have been hurt in some way).
I’ve learned to express myself, to appropriately “stand up” for myself with words something like this…
“No. It’s okay for me to express how I feel. I heard such and such when you said so and so.”
It’s important to ask questions and clarify what was said and the intention behind the words (or actions).
Sweeping my feelings under the rug is a lousy idea. It’s better to acknowledge them in a healthy fashion.
Admittedly, I don’t always understand them. The best advice I have for myself and you is to seek God in those moments. When we set pride aside and inquire of God about how we are feeling and why, He is faithful to share the root. I might not always get an instant answer, but He is faithful to reveal truth to me in a loving fashion. God’s heart is always to heal us, and He uses our marriages to do that. It’s part of the purpose of marriage.
I am blessed in my marriage, but it’s because we have Christ at the center. Beyond that, keeping communication open and being intentional about spending time with one another, investing in our marriage helps us to stay the course.
I am not naïve enough to think that a healthy marriage will be a guaranteed outcome without additional investment on both our part. What we don’t pay attention to withers. We need to be intentional with each other. We can’t take each other or our love for granted.
Where I’m Going
In my case, I feel like the above should read “Where We’re Going”.
Recently, Sam and I were asked to help launch a marriage ministry at our church. The first study we plan to do is called The Meaning of Marriage. I don’t know how God will use that study in our marriage and in the marriages of those He calls to it, but I DO trust God will show up in the midst of it all.
We don’t have all the answers to the meaning of marriage. We don’t have a perfect marriage, but we have one vulnerable enough to share with others the lessons God has taught and is teaching us along the way.
We do know the One who possesses perfect love that casts out all fear.
If you live in the area, consider attending. It starts the end of October. And if you feel you have a solid, Christ-centered marriage and have a heart to help others see Christ at work in their marriage, we’d love to connect with you.
We are praying in advance for you and your marriages, even as we ask that those reading this pray for us, our marriage, and the marriages God is calling us to serve. In Jesus’ name.
Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.
