Identity Archives – Facets of Faith

Is it really safe to be me?

09.29.2020 by Julie Jeffery //

Welcome to FACETS of Faith and our exploration of vulnerability through women’s stories of strength and resilience. I (Tracy) can’t wait to share Julie Jeffrey with you. She is beautiful in spirit and has eyes you could wade through – stunning. I find it interesting the original photo she selected hid her face. (She didn’t know what image God had led us to use for this series.) I took the liberty of choosing a different photo of her, because she is beautiful and her smile radiates. I felt God wanted you all to see her, really see her. See her physically. See her in her story. See her in the glorious redemption God has brought in her life. (Her pic is at the end of the piece.)

There is something powerful about redemption. It’s where God’s glory is revealed and hope is breathed anew in each of us. When we see what IS possible with God, we believe Him more and more for big things in our own lives. So sit back and read for yourself about the power of God at work in one woman’s life. We have a big God, my friends! Truly, One we can’t fathom even as we can know Him personally. Meet my sweet friend Julie as she shares her story with strength and dignity.

The easiest way for me to answer the question Is it really safe to be me is to open with a scripture I wear on my heart like a married woman wears a ring on her hand! “God is within her, she will not fall.” Psalm 46:5. Getting vulnerable with God is pretty easy for me. Getting vulnerable with other people, much harder.

To put it simply, I am a child of God. I am a single mother. I am a woman with a heart bigger than the whole outdoors but, and this is the hard part: I am also a recovering addict. A thankful, grateful recovering addict. I have heard the labels: junkie, druggie, loser, crackhead. You name it, I have probably been called it. Did it hurt? Absolutely. Even in my haze and fog the labels cut like a knife. Because that is not who I really am. That is not God’s plan or purpose for me. I realized that when I spiraled out of control and stopped eating. When my then 5-year-old daughter looked at me and told me, “I miss my smiling mommy. I wish you would eat again.” When my dad said he was going to be burying his firstborn daughter in 6 months’ time, and he didn’t want to be around me because it would hurt less to lose me, I knew this was not the life I was supposed to be living. Those, along with the demons in my head used to tell me I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t worthy. I hid from my feelings of inadequacy and then felt ashamed because I used. Deep inside I knew that was not my purpose in life. I would cry. I would pray. I would beg my family not to give up on me, but I had given up on myself.

Then there was God. He never ever gave up on me. I know He was with me when I had used too much and should have overdosed, yet still lived. I didn’t know it then, but I do know now. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18 I was as brokenhearted as a person could be.

Little did I know, all I had to do was cry out to Him. He was always waiting, always ready. I had to surrender. I had to cry out to Him. And I did. One night in February of 2018 I decided I was ready to be done. I had literally been physically beaten, assaulted in a violent way. I had lied to family to get money to pay these dealers back. I wanted to be free of this ever-tightening grip that addiction, and all that came with it, had on me and my life. I looked down at my little girl with tears in her eyes, my teenage son was just done with me. I walked into the bathroom. I got down on the floor and for a good 30 minutes, I cried and prayed. I reached out to God, to Jesus to anyone listening . The prayer was to take my life or take this addiction. After 30 minutes of that, I got up and went out to where my kids were. I hugged my son who tried to shrug away from me. I hugged my little girl who held me tighter than anyone ever has, and we went in and laid down. I woke up the next morning with a purse full of pills, drugs, and paraphernalia and could have easily started the whole cycle over again. In my heart, I heard, “You know what to do.” So, without hesitation, I disposed of every pill, every drug, every item related to it and called my family to admit to them I had a problem that I could not deal with by myself.

My sister immediately came out, and we set up a family meeting that weekend. I prayed every single morning, noon, and night that whole week. I didn’t use. I felt a sense of peace I had never experienced before, and I now recognize as God’s love and spirit. By the time the weekend came, I had already been eating and sleeping. I had been totally transparent with my family. I had attended 4 NA meetings that I had to walk to because I had no car at the time. I also started therapy. The meeting was not the negative experience I thought it was going to be. I don’t remember the exact words that were said or who spoke first, but what does stick out to me is my uncle. A man of so few words and a man who hides his emotions, he had tears in his eyes when he told me he had been distancing himself from me because it was too painful to watch me slowly dying. He told me the story of how I had pneumonia as a little baby and he laid by my crib every night just to make sure I was breathing. Then he offered me something that changed my life even more: the chance to ride with him to church every Sunday! It was a small, beautiful church on a hill and when I walked through the doors, I felt surrounded by love and kindness. “Three things will last forever-faith, hope and love-and the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

Every person in that tiny church seemed so happy to see me, to meet me. I have never felt such an outpouring of love. I knew I wanted more. I even asked the Pastor how to become a Christian! I got my sponsor there in the church, started going to their Thursday Christian recovery group, and eventually I even got a job and saved up enough money to buy a car. Once that happened, I wasn’t just at the Sunday services, I went to ladies Bible study on Mondays, Wednesday service, Christian 12 step on Thursday, and Sunday services. I just could not get enough of any of it. God, the people, the messages, the worship songs all were what I needed to keep walking in victory. My little girl came with as well, and her life has changed too. Once my family saw the changes were sticking, some of them even started coming. My uncle, my brother-in-law and I all got baptized by the Pastor!

The journey to who I am now started February 18, 2018, my sober date. I have so much more to learn though! Jesus is my Lord and Savior. He saved my life from certain death, but even more than that, through him and through the love and support of the people at the church and the different programs, I am growing every day. I am moving forward toward the person I was created to be. I am not just staying sober, but I am coming alive. Learning, growing, changing. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

That is how I feel, brand new. I love Jesus. I know Jesus loves me! He loves us all so much that He gave his life for us. I well up with tears when I think about that. Knowing how much He gave for all of us makes me strive to live according to the 10 Commandments and God’s word. I am not perfect, not even close, but I have a heart for the Lord, and my daughter and I will serve the Lord. Maybe, just maybe, some of my loved ones who haven’t done so yet, will also serve the Lord too. I am thankful, grateful and blessed! I am a child of God, and I am not my mistakes. I am God’s masterpiece, but also a work in progress.

Join us in the conversation on FACETS of Faith’s Facebook page. Share how Julie’s story has impacted you. I’m sure it would bless her to know.

Need help?

If you need help with a substance abuse problem, seek help and support. Together, with Christ, recovery is possible. Julie is one of God’s walking miracles that prove that very fact. Many churches offer recovery support, as do Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. You are not alone. Immanuel, God is with you on this journey.

Who Am I, if I Am Not Me?

09.15.2020 by Megan Abbott //

Happy Tuesday! Oh friends it has felt like a whirlwind lately, but I am so happy to have landed here today. This month we are each taking a look into whether or not it is “safe to be really me.” If you are anything like me, it has taken most of my lifetime to feel comfortable really being myself around people, including friends. I pray that as you read through the posts this month from each Facet, and our guest, that God will speak to you about the freedom that can be found in vulnerability and authenticity, even when it is scary. Take a look back at Jen’s post last week, and keep looking out for Tracy’s post and the guest post later this month.

I pray that as you read through this there will never be felt a sense of judgement either for the choices younger me made, or choices you (and I) may be making now. I pray that you see God’s grace in how He revealed the importance of vulnerability to me, and that He is somehow able to encourage you through this story as well.

It is Too Scary

I have spent a lot of my life fearing how I would be received by others. If I spoke how I truly felt about a topic, or dressed how I wanted, or liked what I liked, how would I be received? What if I was truly, wholly myself, all the good and the bad, and my friends just walked away? Would I ever recover from the rejection? I always want to believe I can get along with anyone, so part of me feels like rejection is one of the worst things that could ever happen.

Through my teens and twenties this fear of rejection led me to metering my vulnerability. I would open up to whatever level I thought would be safely received by the person on the other side. With some friends, I would get into deep conversations about likes, dislikes, spiritual struggles, but not the really deep and messy things. I matched other people’s levels of vulnerability, but only to a “safe” level. Never the truly hard things to manage on my own – the struggles, the addictions, the hurts. If I really opened up about everything going on in my mind, and heart, I just knew that I couldn’t be seen the same again. There was no way I would be loved the same. I would be too exposed. The risk of being hurt was just too much.

Reinforcing the False

My friends loved me. Well they loved what they knew of me, and my brain kept reinforcing the boundaries to my vulnerability: “that mess is too messy, stay where you are safe.” I assumed I would be loved less if anyone really knew all of me. Assumed… My heart mourns not trusting some of my closest friends to be who I knew them to be. What if one of my friends could have loved me like God loves me? What if they were able to show me the grace and compassion that He shows me? A wall may have crumbled. It may have been transformational.

I think, kind of like everything else in life, vulnerability takes growing into. The further I got into my 20s, the more people I met who were really comfortable in their skin. They were more open with “flaws”, “successes”, and “failures”. At some point in time, the Spirit in me realized I had to trust the Spirit in my friends. Maybe not all of them to the same degree, but I had to start somewhere. If I ever really wanted to be loved, I would have to stop labeling myself as unlovable. I would like to say that I immediately ran to a friend and developed a lifelong, perfect, deeply honest friendship where we never struggled, that everyone loved everything about me, I never experienced rejection, and all was rainbows, but the reality is I chose a path closer to “okay, maybe someday.”

Who Am I?

I have this journal that I started sometime around 2013. I had started opening up to a dear friend about some of my struggles to really feel like I could love myself, and believe I was lovable. Not really because I wanted to be vulnerable, but she had modeled it well to me, and I was desperate to feel different. I had spent so long allowing friends to love only the shell of me, that I believe only the shell of me was lovable. All I wrote in this journal were scriptures that described me from God’s perspective. Things like Isaiah 64:8:

But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.”

Psalm 139:13:

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.”

Or Genesis 2:7:

Then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.”

There were so many. Pages upon pages of intentionality, and truth. I knew most of them already, but the neat thing about the living word is that each time you read it, the Spirit highlights something else for you. There was something that happened when I read that scripture from Genesis this time. God breathed life into me. I could picture the breath going into my lungs, filling every crevice, flowing through my bloodstream. Nothing was untouched. Nothing was outside of His touch.

So what does this have to do with being really me? Learning to love myself, was integrally tied to allowing myself to be loved by others, and allowing myself to be loved by others was impossible without being willing to risk vulnerability. Every time I assumed someone would respond poorly, I was reinforcing in myself the lie that part of me was broken. It was like I believed there was a part of me that was untouchable by God’s grace.

Who Am I if I’m not Me?

This is the question I feel like the Spirit presses into me anytime I am struggling with vulnerability. “Who am I if I am not me?” God created me. He saw fit for there to be a “me”. If I am being anyone but me, then I am really trying to fit a mold God never intended for me to fit inside. I am assuming I know what those around me need more than He does. I am not Tracy, or Jen. I am Megan. The more I am willing to accept who God created me to be, the more satisfied I am with who I am. There has been so much freedom for me in this.

I don’t want to downplay the fear I had as I learned to open up to my dearest friends, the pain I have felt when I have been misunderstood or rejected, or the fear I still feel having just moved to a new city knowing I have a lot of “getting to know you” days ahead of me. That fear is real. The pain of rejection is real. But so is the loneliness and pain of never really being known or loved for who you are.

If this is something you are still struggling with, I pray that the Spirit will reveal itself to you in those around you, and that the Spirit in you will find the Spirit in them, and realize there is safety in that moment to try out being really you. If you are on the other side, and you are feeling somewhat comfortable in your skin, or maybe just a little brave, I pray that you will be the one to create safe space, dismantle the fear, and model vulnerability for your friends.

You Are Celebrated!

02.25.2020 by Nikki Laureano //

Welcome back friends! I (Megan) am glad you are here! We are wrapping up our adventures in the “Do You Know You Are…?” series with a dear friend of mine, Nikki! If you want to check out the rest of the series, we have touched on being “cherished“, “honored“, and “beloved” in the past weeks. This week, Nikki has graciously shared some of her story, and how God has affirmed that He celebrates her! I pray that you find encouragement through her words.

I am probably one of the most nostalgic people you’ll ever meet. I can romanticize the past like it’s nobody’s business. The ‘90s era is one of my favorites, especially when it comes to movies. Because of that, I am a huge fan of all things Disney from that decade. One of my favorites is Aladdin. The danger, the treasure and adventure, the betrayal, the tales of friendships, and the love story… I just love everything about it.

Reality or Perception?

One of my favorite scenes is when Prince Ali comes busting through the gates of Agrabah. His grand entrance certainly doesn’t disappoint. He is preceded by his giant caravan, marching along and singing his praises. Bells are ringing. Drums are banging. People are cheering. The entire bazaar lines up to greet him, and grovel at his feet, looking up to him on his giant elephant with respect and reverence.

From the local “street rat”, to a celebrated prince. It almost leaves you with a feeling of magic and wonderment, until you realize Aladdin is only getting his chance to shine as the impostor Prince Ali Ababwa. Aladdin’s perception was that he needed to come before the town’s sovereignty as a cleaned-up prince before he could receive any accolades, acknowledgement, or praise.

If you’re anything like me, maybe you can relate.

I grew up in church, but I had no idea that the enemy had a voice. When certain thoughts came to mind, I processed them as if they were my own. I can look back and hear myself saying things like “you aren’t good enough; you aren’t worthy enough”, followed by a big “BUT IF….”

If I cut my hair…
If I wear this…
If I stop doing that…
…. then I will be celebrated.

For years I lived with this perception. There were times when I questioned my own life because I had lost myself inside so many masks trying to please the world. I felt pinned to the bottom of a hole and I couldn’t stop digging. Isn’t that exactly where the enemy wants us? Striving to feel celebrated by people rather than deeply knowing our God has been celebrating who we are from the very start?

Identifying Reality

It reminds me of the woman with the issue of blood. For 12 years, she bled. For 12 years, she was deemed legally unclean. But where the world failed her, God prevailed. He saw and celebrated His daughter.

Then a woman who had suffered from a hemorrhage for twelve years came up behind Him and touched the [tassel] fringe of His outer robe; for she had been saying to herself, ‘If I only touch His outer robe, I will be healed.’ But Jesus turning and seeing her said, ‘Take courage, daughter; your [personal trust and confident] faith [in Me] has made you well.’ And at once the woman was [completely] healed.” Matthew 9:20-22 (emphasis added)

With one touch of Jesus’ hem, she was healed immediately. And not only was she healed, but Jesus looked right at her, acknowledged her, and celebrated her. She didn’t have to show up clean or perfect. She didn’t have to change anything about herself. She needed not do anything more than to trust.

I found myself in a similar situation in 2016. Tormented by crippling anxiety for years prior because of shame and guilt over my past, I felt too dirty to be celebrated. I am so grateful that we have a God who doesn’t let us stay in that space. He makes a way, and He did for me.

Freedom in Truth

One weekend, I found myself in a small group of strangers confessing all the reasons why God couldn’t celebrate someone like me. Immediately following that confession, I felt the heartbeat of Heaven fall upon me in a way I can still feel to this day. I felt deeply seen and acknowledged. Although there were trembling lips and tears, there was much celebration from my Father. The Lord looked at me through the eyes of His children and said “I am so proud of you. I rejoice and dance over you, and I have been this whole time.” I knew how celebrated I was, am, and always will be.

Aren’t you glad we serve a God that doesn’t make us rub any sort of magic lamp or perform a dance routine perfectly in order to experience His sovereign celebration? With God, you don’t have to earn belonging, significance, or His celebration. You already have it. You won His heart before you were born! He has delighted in you, and celebrated you from the very beginning.

The Lord your God is in your midst, a Warrior who saves. He will rejoice over you with joy; He will be quiet in His love [making no mention of your past sins], He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.” Zephaniah 3:17 AMP

The eyes of the Father are looking right at you with total delight all the time! My prayer is for you to feel celebrated today and everyday going forward. Wrap your arms around yourself, and become insanely aware of his presence all around you right now singing “you are my CELEBRATED child!”

Take a minute to leave Nikki a comment below, or continue the conversation on the FACETS Facebook page.