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5 Questions to Ask About Life’s Hard Places

09.12.2017 by Jennifer Howe //

Hello, friend! Thanks for visiting Facets of Faith. It’s always a pleasure to meet you here. This month’s topic is infused with the “back to school” mindset, but with a twist. Tracy shared her thoughts on “What are you going back to?” here, and Kim will share next week. I’m really excited that Tracy’s hubby, Sam, will be our guest the fourth week! (You read that right. A different voice and perspective will be shared, and we’re really excited he responded to our ask!) Be sure to visit Facets each Tuesday for new posts.

What am I (Jennifer) going back to?

For you to understand what I’m going back to, you’d need to know how I spent my last weekend. I had the privilege of attending training focused on becoming a competent caregiver for children who have come from hard places. While we’ve all had experience with hard things in life, not all of us know the difficulty of intense trauma. I want to be better equipped to do slices of life with those who know what “hard place” really means. That could be a few minutes, weeks, months, or years.

What I’m going back to is some of the hard places in my own life. Admittedly, some of the events written into my story are blips on the radar, some are stones I’ve taken out of my load and left at the side of the road, a very few are landmines I need to be confident are defused. The trauma training encouraged me to go back and take a second look a few events, and I’m sure it’s related to deeper healing, more confidence in my story, and understanding how it can be powerful in the lives of others. (Have you ever considered that your personal story has power to help others overcome some of the challenges in their own?)

But why go back?

…the proverbs are true: “A dog returns to its vomit,” and, “A sow that is washed returns to her wallowing in the mud.” 2 Peter 2:22

Is returning to the past like parking in front of a train wreck and gaping at the damage? I suppose it could be—but if we did it with a healthier process and purpose—then no, it’s returning to those hard places to gain perspective and loosen the grip the event may have on our heart, mind, and behavior. Peter isn’t referring to a healthy look at our past here. He’s adamant about not returning to our hurtful behaviors over and over. To some extent the behavior comes out of our hard places, so returning to those hard places with a healthy mindset and healing in mind is really important. That’s the goal we should have in mind.

When I go back to the events of the past, I sit with little vignettes, try to capture them, and the purpose emerges from the shadows. When I sift through details, I take extra time to find three things:

  • the power in the memory (What control does this memory have?)
  • the plans of the Enemy (How does this memory serve the enemy of my soul and wreck me?)
  • and the presence of Jesus. (Can I see Jesus in this memory?)

These three pieces are important to the transformation that follows. They are also common elements in every story. Mine. Yours. Everyone’s. If we examine these three things, I think we defuse that landmine. I encourage you to try answering these three questions in any of your “hard place” memories.

My next step is to think about two questions that have the ability to shift perspective on nearly any life story.

  • What do I believe about God based on what has happened to me?
  • What is true about God based on what is written in Scripture?

Something settles in my soul in those two questions. I almost felt and heard “Kachunk!” in my spirit when I was introduced to them. These questions begged to be answered, and I understood why. My perspective about God is crucial. It’s only in relationship to Him that I can understand some of the story details, events, and characters. I may never understand the hows and whys in my story in this life, but I have no hope of a healthy viewpoint or healing without God.

Some of you know I’ve been working on writing my story, White Wave Crashing. When my eyes took in the scenes of my life at a glance, I overlooked the presence of Jesus. I was angry that he overlooked the indelible ink falling to the pages of my life. Was he invisible? Unconcerned? (The answer is, “No!” but it took time to discover that.) I hope you find that to be true, too. He loves us. Deeply. And he wants to sit with us in the exuberant joy, the deep sorrow, and the painful grief.

Now at some point, you might join me in going back to your own “hard places,” and when you do, I hope you’ve got something you can use along the way. When you begin to remember, I hope you’ll find healing for your soul, too. Try some introspective work with the questions above. Invite Holy Spirit to do the work with you. There is victory over the enemy of our souls when we step forward, meet the challenges in our stories, and tell of the things God has done.

Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. Psalm 66:16

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17

Thanks for reading along! You have no idea how exciting it is to walk the road with friends who drop in and share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences on the monthly topic. Will you share yours?

Add a comment below or visit us at our Facebook Page. Please share us with friends you think would be encouraged by Facets of Faith, too. We’d love that. Subscribe to our feed in the sidebar so you’ll never miss a post.

It’s so nice to know you, friend!Signature, Jennifer Howe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


**If you’re interested in orphan care or curious about the training I did this weekend, connect to http://back2back.org/ or https://cafo.org/summit/intensives/trauma/. The CAFO material was presented by a speaker in a smaller, home environment, and it was wonderful!
(Shameless plug for this amazing ministry…)

Categories // Jennifer Howe's Perspective, What are You Going Back to? Tags // Back2Back Ministries, cafo.org, Facets of Faith, Hard Places, Healing Woundedness, Jennifer J Howe, Memories, Trauma

The Gifts of Joy and Humor in Life

08.08.2017 by Jennifer Howe //

Hi, friend! You came to visit, and I’m so glad you did! This month the FACETS are sharing about God’s sense of humor and joy, so August is peppered with chuckles. Tracy shared last week, and you’ll want to get your eyeballs on that one! You won’t want to miss Kim’s contribution next week. Then one of my dearest friends will share a guest post. You definitely need to read Jenna’s post the fourth week. Please hop into the flow and share your funnies, too!

The platypus. If someone wants to know how I (Jennifer) am absolutely sure God has a sense of humor, I could point to the most distinct critter on the planet. An egg-laying mammal is unusual. This toothless creature has no stomach; he has a gullet like a bird and relies on gravel to eat and digest food. He has a duck bill that can detect electrical fields—that’s a superpower. Retractable webbing allows him to change from web-footed water critter to sharp-clawed land rambler like a Transformer®️. And the best part? Mr. Platypus (and only the mister) is—wait for it!—venomous! God’s creativity incorporating unique characteristics from every part of His mind definitely reveals something of His sense of humor. There’s so much joy for me in platypi.

But God doesn’t stop His fantastic originality with critters. Do you know someone who shows off God’s seed of humor in their lives? I have been big-time blessed with two sons, and that (as some boy moms will agree) is fodder for all kinds of laughs. Though, I admit my laughs often had some delay—minutes, days, or decades. *Grin* Take this example: a few weeks ago my brother-in-law shared snippets of the video from his wedding about ten years ago. One clip was PRICELESS!

Imagine: A roaming videographer is capturing best wishes for the newlyweds. This is so perfect and sweet. The video will be the best reminder of all the friends and family on a very special day. What a precious way to walk Memory Lane together after decades of life together.

Fast forward to the part we saw…

My husband’s happy face stared right into the lens and shared nearly two minutes of encouraging words. I was interested in hearing what he had to say, since I hadn’t heard it the first time around. And then…

The “Hambone.” My preschool-aged son’s face appeared in the lower right corner of the screen behind his daddy. First one side, then the other, and back to the first side, making faces the whole time. (We all laughed at the boy playing for the camera while the very happy, encouraging daddy had no idea.) It was one of those adorable moments captured for all time, and it was hilarious!

Eventually, the adorable boy with neatly spiked hair in a tux lost interest in the camera and moved on. Tony kept encouraging the newlywed couple, but I drifted from the words. I noticed, behind him several feet away, I was having a conversation with a cousin. The conversation paused—

The boy had found an open area on the carpet in the lobby and shifted to his favorite activity: breakdancing. In the middle of the lobby. (Have I mentioned he was wearing a rented tux?) Honestly, he had some impressive moves for a preschooler, including spins. Conversations continued around him—except his mom’s.

I had trouble focusing on his dance moves in the video because the next thing I saw was my ASL non-verbal communication kick in. (I had to laugh.) To my husband’s left on the screen is a spinning dance move. Over my husband’s right shoulder is me, signaling what most people know as “SAFE!” in baseball. Back then, I just hoped my son could remember it meant “Don’t!” I probably I hoped the accompanying look filled in any gaps.

Now all of us were laughing at the video, and I was laughing so hard the tears were flowing!

Friend, I can’t tell you how perfectly-timed my brother-in-law’s video was. Sometimes life can be tiring and just too serious, can’t it? Sometimes we desperately need to laugh, and it’s hard to know where it will come from. Maybe it’s the joy in the platypus. It could be in watching someone enjoy life to the full (breakdancing in a tux and all!). Maybe you begin to laugh at yourself. I know this: we really need to laugh! I’m glad sometimes we have the gift of laughter when we need it.

If you’re a mom of littles, you might enjoy laughs several times a day (little people are funny, after all). But maybe that’s not your life—the littles, the laughs, or the frequency of them. If I could do one thing differently, I think I would search harder for the humor in the everyday. The spray-starched sheltie’s 90-minute bath would have been fun. The two-year-old on the refrigerator would have been funny. The ridiculous tendency to get lost would be hilarious. Stress’ kryptonite is laughter, I think.

When life is challenging and you’re feeling pressed by the stuff of life, it’s time to laugh. Who do you know that can bring you back to your giggles, chuckles, and all-out belly laughs? That’s a good place to start.

God’s gift of humor and joy is precious during the hard times. Where we ultimately want to get to is the place of joy—the upbeat, peacefulness blanketing us when we stand in the messy kitchen or the eye of the hurricane. Can you find humor in some of it? Can you find your joy even if the humor hasn’t arrived yet?

Strength and honor are her clothing, and she can laugh at the time to come. Proverbs 31:25 CSB

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice, let them forever shout for joy! Shelter them; and they will be glad, those who love your name. Psalm 5:11 CJB

How have you seen God’s gift of humor or joy in your life? Take time to thank the friend who gifted it to you when you needed it. Be sure to gift it to others when you can.

Thanks for reading, friend! Would you gift me and the readers with your humor or joy today? Share below or at the Facebook Page.

Signature, Jennifer Howe

Categories // Jennifer Howe's Perspective, Joy/Humor, Life Tags // Facets of Faith, Faith, Friendship, Humor, Jennifer J Howe, Laugh, Proverbs 31:25, Psalm 5:11

Precious Gems for a Mama: Facts and Faith

05.09.2017 by Jennifer Howe //

It’s May! And that’s Mother’s Day month, so we thought we’d take a peek at “mama guilt.” If you haven’t read Tracy’s post, please do. She did a beautiful job. Kim’s up next week. Then we’re bringing back our sweet friend, Erin Thompson, the following week. It’s going to be a great month at FACETS!

I (Jennifer) have two arrows in the quiver, and (at 16 and 18) it seems like my sons will be flying out into the world to find their mark any second now. Time is a funny thing. Diaper changes and homemade baby foods were yesterday and forever ago at the same time. I’m in that season the mamas told me about. I didn’t believe them, but they were right. Time flies. And the arrows will fly, too.

I’m sifting through memories, and my heart is tender. My guys don’t know watery eyes and sniffs go with that. A picture from years ago appears in my social feed. I stumble on a video of my sons being silly and love every second of it. I want to relive some of the memories on the highlight reel over and over. You have some of those, don’t you? And they’re not always the “perfect” ones.

One arrow was affectionately known as “Poo-ccasso” for a few days. One boy may have dug through the drywall above his crib the day before our house closing. Jack the wonder sheltie, hated the 90-minute bath following the spray starch spiked hair incident. There was the pearl pink nail color incident. “Three drawers in a row makes a ladder” logic gave me fits for three weeks when I couldn’t figure out who was getting on top of the fridge and into the freezer. Time keeps marching on. Those days are faded images (and some are finally funny). *Grin* (If you’ve got great stories like these, please share them!)

Mamas have piles of memories. Some are precious. Sometimes we don’t realize how precious they were. Then something happens over time—we cherish different moments and learn to look at things with a little more perspective. In the moment, though…

I know I’m not the only one to be a hot mess as a mama. My sons’ allergic reactions made me feel terrible. I wondered if my child would ever eat something besides Goldfish, mac n’ cheese, and hot dogs. I was the first teacher my kids would know, and my work was cut out—eating, drinking, toilet training, hygiene, first words, counting, colors, the alphabet. Asking, telling, and listening were important skills. The virtues of sharing, honesty, and obedience were high priorities. Mamas are precious to child development, and a hefty emotional load can accompany the responsibility.

Not only was I the first teacher my sons knew, but as homeschoolers, I was one of the few they knew. Somewhere in junior high the academics pushed a “guilt button” I never knew I had. My mama guilt was rooted in a fear of the “what ifs” in life. Because decisions have consequences, I wondered if our choices (my husband’s, mine, and my sons’) would be devastating in the long run. Honestly, I was laser-focused on me, the mama, and the decisions I made. I can still hear my own voice—“Will this turn out okay? Have I messed up the rest of his life? I’m the worst mom ever!”

In 19 years I’ve learned a few things that may help a mama fighting the battle rooted in fear, the one I still fight. Sometimes a mix of facts and faith can ease it.

“Just the Facts, Ma’am…”

Whatever we learn from the first child does not apply to the second.
I have only two sons, but I know most moms would agree: no two are alike. So, parent the child in the moment according to the immediate need. Some rules apply to every child; some don’t. Stop comparing siblings, friends, or imaginary children. Don’t assume one child’s success, skill set, or mistake is another’s. Whatever is happening is this child in this moment, not any other at any other time. Age, personality, and persistence in the child matters, but I try hard to be in the moment with the child in front of me.

Nobody’s perfect!
You are not. Your child is not. I like to think my sons will find their way through the natural dysfunction that’s part of every family (including ours). I have made mistakes; I’m sure I do that daily. I want to be quick to see the problem and respond with the appropriate apology. A little perspective helps. If I could do two things over, it would be to have a better grip on age-appropriate expectations for my kids and the necessary diligence in inspecting whatever is expected. Realistic expectations and diligent oversight would have saved a lot of trouble. Still, apologies smoothed a lot of rifts.

Shape the heart; don’t try to control it.
Children have their own preferences and personal decision-making process. A mama can help shape the process, but she cannot control it. We all know independent hearts will do whatever they like given freedom. As a child grows, the balance of control and responsibility shifts. It’s a messy transfer, but it’s necessary while children are in the home establishing themselves, before they take flight. Mistakes at home are far easier to navigate than somewhere out in the big, wide world.

It’s not all about you!
Mama, you know you’re not the only influence on your child, right? Of course, you do. You know they have their own will and make their own choices, too. Guard your heart against guilt over their decisions.

What’s done isn’t exactly done.
Think you’ve made too many mistakes? While you have opportunity, take it. Apologize. Encourage. Talk about and show the love you have for your child. Talk about how the relationship could be better…or fixed.

“It’s a Matter of Faith!”

Mamas, can I be real? It’s hard being a mom—it’s also beautiful and precious and raw and joyful and tearful and a million other things. If all the responsibility fell squarely on our shoulders, we’d shatter into a gazillion pieces. (Maybe you have memories of moments that felt just like that. I do.) Can I suggest the antidote to mama guilt is faith perspective.

God is Bigger!

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Our God is not surprised by our struggles, choices (both good and bad), or fears. He knows and cares about us. You and your child are precious in His sight. Don’t forget that. He will help you, Mama (and your child). He is strong enough and loves you that much!

God’s Plan and Purposes are Good!

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28

And God is able to make every grace overflow to you, so that in every way, always having everything you need, you may excel in every good work.  2 Corinthians 9:8

For it is God who is working in you, [enabling you] both to will and to act for His good purpose. Philippians 2:13

When the twists and turns, difficult hills, and dark valleys in the lives of our kids become too much for us mamas, remember that God’s plan is also bigger than we can see. He loves our children, and he wants the very best for their lives.

Your Prayers Matter!

Pray constantly.  1 Thessalonians 5:17

And if I could encourage one thing—pray, pray, and pray more! The times I was clueless about what to do, prayer made all the difference. The two-year-old temper tantrum in the store ended when I prayed and listened. God whispered, “Tell him to say he’s sorry.” As true now as it was then—the more I ask God for help, the smoother my parenting moments seem to go. And when mamas get together to pray, mountains can move, so don’t forget to keep your friends close.

I’ve enjoyed sharing this week, and I sure hope we’ll have some great conversation this month. If you’ve got a funny story, please share in the comments below or at our Facebook page. If you’ve got some precious gems you’ve learned, we could sure use some of that collective wisdom, too. Please add your thoughts.

Thanks for reading and sharing!

Signature, Jennifer Howe

Categories // Jennifer Howe's Perspective, Life, Mama Guilt Tags // 1 Thessalonians 5:17, 2 Corinthians 9:8, Facets of Faith, Isaiah 41:10, Jennifer J Howe, Mama Guilt, Mother's Day, Philippians 2:13, Romans 8:28

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