Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

What Lessons Has Life Taught Me?

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What lessons has life taught me? Just a small question, small like the climbing of Mt Everest. Since we are always in the process of being transformed by the renewal of our mind (Romans 12:2), change is ever under way. Change means lessons learned always, if we’re listening, if we take heed.

Rather than become overwhelmed by the question, I thought I’d focus on one area of life. Still, it feels big, looming like the ocean when you set sail on a cruise and find yourself far from shore. Looking out, all you see upon the horizon is where water kisses sky, waves reaching upward. Vast. That’s how big marriage feels and the lessons God has, and is, using it to teach me.

IMAGE: Life Lessons, T Stella, teal

This month FACETS thought we’d approach the question in a timeline fashion: “Where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going”. Our hope and prayer is that God meets you as we share our hearts and what God is doing in our lives. We pray God uses our writing to help us and you remember where we were, but more importantly where we are going. With that in mind, back to my life lessons as it relates to marriage.

Where I’ve Been

At 28 I got married. I thought I waited long enough to know what I wanted, to know who I was. I thought I knew things, more things than I really did – especially when it came to marriage!

I thought I’d married my Prince Charming. The shoe seemed to fit perfectly. Glass slipper turned into shattered hearts, mine, and I imagine his too. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

We started off well enough. In love.  We thought that would keep us afloat. It didn’t. Sometimes, the water gets choppy and you need more than love, the way most people think of love. Marriage takes sacrificial love. It takes dying to self. It takes setting aside pride and seeking to understand. I knew none of these things.

I’d read a lot of Cinderella and virtually nothing of the Bible.

Neither my ex nor I knew the Lord, but we had each other. Us against the world. We eloped secretly to Jamaica and its sandy shores. Ocean, sky, salty air and us. We didn’t see the impending doom upon the horizon. It would take over a decade to implode.

So what happened?

How does love get lost?

How do things turn from ocean, sky and salty air to just, well, salty (before forgiveness sets in)?

For me, one of the reasons things turned so far off course had to do with fear. I feared marriages where fighting was part of the dynamic. I didn’t want volatility, so I avoided conflict like the plague. I didn’t want to argue, so often I would stuff things down. What I didn’t talk about wouldn’t become real, never mind when one little problem, upon one little problem, upon another isn’t dealt with in a healthy fashion.  Life can get sucked out of any love relationship.

If we’re not being real about what we want and need and how we feel, we’re not loved for who we are. We’re projecting what we want things to be or what we think the other person wants them to be─codependence at its finest─rather than what they really are, which ends up in shipwreck. After all, we’re made to be truly known, seen and loved. God gives us marriage as a picture (and tool) of His love for us. Man and woman, not to be separated once joined.  (Matthew 19:6)

It’s gut wrenching when they are ripped apart. I know. Perhaps you do too.

I denied any issues by not looking at them. I was too naïve sometimes. I was too afraid others. I was lost, in a big world and, like Christopher Columbus, had one version of how things should look and was wrong.

A marriage devoid of fighting isn’t necessarily good. Perhaps, a marriage devoid of fighting means people aren’t communicating enough.

Fear told me fighting was bad.  My faith now says, dealing with conflict in a healthy fashion with Jesus at the center is desirable.

I denied his problems. I denied mine. If I had it to do all over again, I’d deal with my junk. Junk leads to sin, shame and sorrow. Unhealthy people inflict pain. Those who get hurt most? The ones closest.

After a big wrestle with all that was wrong, my pride said “divorce him”. Others affirmed my choice. I had no Jesus. (He was there, I just didn’t know Him.) I obviously had no faith. I had nothing solid to stand on, and because the ship was sinking, I jumped off the side. I imagine the impact of a plane crash landing in the ocean. It hurt that much! Maybe more.

The pain didn’t set in right away. I was too busy running. I ran to Hawaii. I ran to the Caribbean. No matter where I ran to, I couldn’t outrun the pain of my broken heart. Who knew? I WAS invincible. I didn’t have the intellectual aptitude to deal with all the emotion threatening to take me away, like the tide carrying debris off the shore into the inky ocean.

There was danger lurking too. I encountered even worse relationships after my divorce. Wounded women are easy targets. I might as well have put a big bulls’ eye on my back.

And then I met a gentleman. He changed things dramatically!

Where I Am

How did I meet this gentleman? What was his name? What does our love story look like?

This Gentleman’s name is Jesus. He saved me! He saved me from harmful relationships. He saved me from harming myself to escape a sea of shame, sin, and pain. His love invaded and consumed me, and my life has never been the same.

His love reached into my heart and spoke all the words I’d longed to hear my whole life. I felt seen. I felt known. I felt understood – for the first time. Miraculously, my pride collapsed, and I knew I didn’t know everything (or pretty much anything). I didn’t need to. I knew, and know, the One who does.

He tenderly loved me back to life. I was limp, left for dead.  The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). That almost happened. But God. The truest, most real, Prince Charming swept away His bride. His love left me breathless. It still does.

When we really let God’s love invade us, we are never the same. It’s His love that leads to life transforming change. It’s only when we deeply experience God’s love that we can convey love in a meaningful fashion to others.

If your relationships are amiss, explore whether you are fully abiding in God’s love.  In Jesus’ words:

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” ─John 15:9 NIV

If love relationships start to slip, go back to the above. Repeat until things are set right once again.

If we are unable to give and receive love to others, sit with God. Experience His love. Experience Him. Don’t move into a love relationship before you know as you know the love of God. It’s reckless. It’s consuming. It’s the sweetest, most precious gift He gives us. His love, it’s really beyond explanation. As much as I have experienced it, I desire to experience it more. Because when I do, I am a kinder, better version of me. His love helps us become the best version of ourselves.

God’s love gives us confidence. His grace and mercy tangible evidence of His love.

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.─Hebrews 4:16 NIV

His love is perfect, and it casts out all fear.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. ─1 John 4:18 NIV

What I’ve found about myself, and others for that matter, is when we react badly to each other, the real reason often is rooted in fear. We’re afraid of getting taken advantage of. We’re afraid of getting hurt. We’re afraid we won’t get what we want, or we won’t get our way. We’re afraid of – fill in the blank, because there is no shortage of things we can fear.

But God’s love casts out fear. God’s love gives us confidence. God’s love helps us to trust in His goodness, which leads us to trust others too.

Trusting God led me to first kneel at His altar, to humbly seek Him, and to listen to what He has to say. Certainly, I try to anyhow.  And even in those very early baby years of my Christian faith, I grew to know I could trust our sweet Jesus. Because of His love, I believed Him when He asked me to “trust Him”.

God asked me to “trust Him” to get married to my current husband Sam. As terrified as I was, God’s perfect love cast that fear aside in my heart. I was consumed with the truth that I did trust God and I would obey what felt like walking on a plank that could send me plunging into an inky abyss. I would never have taken the risk it takes to be vulnerable in marriage a second time had God not fostered in me first a loving, trusting relationship with Him.

Out of God’s perfect love that casts out ALL FEAR, I was able to love another human being again.

I met Sam at church, saved only 2 weeks before we met. Skittish and scared, I embarked upon dating my first Christian at age 40. A lot different than my other dating experiences, for sure. I remember being so afraid I was going to mess things all up. I remember not even wanting the relationship at times, not because Sam wasn’t good and kind, sweet and loving, but because of the aroma of fear that God kept fanning away.

I believe the enemy knew how strong Sam and I would be together, how through the love God gave us and poured into us and our marriage, we were going to be a hindrance to the kingdom of darkness. Guess what, marriages forged in the strength, power and love of Christ are a force to be reckoned with!

Make no mistake, the enemy LOVES to attack marriage. When things are going wonky, we always need to look for evidence of the crafty serpent slithering away. He doesn’t want love and relationships to exist. The enemy’s plans are to destroy, to rip apart what God joined together.

God’s plans are that no one separate what God has joined.

So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. ─Matthew 19:6 NIV

I pray God forges all of our marriages, current – or if you are single, future – in the strength, power and love of Christ. I pray God covers us and our marriages under His protective wing.

Communication is critical to healthy relationships. We can’t make assumptions. We need to clear the air. We need to convey how we feel.

Recently, I shared with my husband how I was feeling about a scenario. He is a kind and good man, but sometimes he doesn’t readily entertain what I’m saying. Like all of us, we can start to plead our case before hearing the other side. What’s different about this is that I don’t let that response silence me nor do I typically let it create World War III.

Sam will encourage me to “believe the best”. I try, but sometimes I question it (generally if my feelings have been hurt in some way).

I’ve learned to express myself, to appropriately “stand up” for myself with words something like this…

“No. It’s okay for me to express how I feel. I heard such and such when you said so and so.”

It’s important to ask questions and clarify what was said and the intention behind the words (or actions).

Sweeping my feelings under the rug is a lousy idea. It’s better to acknowledge them in a healthy fashion.

Admittedly, I don’t always understand them.  The best advice I have for myself and you is to seek God in those moments.  When we set pride aside and inquire of God about how we are feeling and why, He is faithful to share the root. I might not always get an instant answer, but He is faithful to reveal truth to me in a loving fashion. God’s heart is always to heal us, and He uses our marriages to do that. It’s part of the purpose of marriage.

I am blessed in my marriage, but it’s because we have Christ at the center. Beyond that, keeping communication open and being intentional about spending time with one another, investing in our marriage helps us to stay the course.

I am not naïve enough to think that a healthy marriage will be a guaranteed outcome without additional investment on both our part. What we don’t pay attention to withers. We need to be intentional with each other. We can’t take each other or our love for granted.

Where I’m Going

In my case, I feel like the above should read “Where We’re Going”.

Recently, Sam and I were asked to help launch a marriage ministry at our church. The first study we plan to do is called The Meaning of Marriage. I don’t know how God will use that study in our marriage and in the marriages of those He calls to it, but I DO trust God will show up in the midst of it all.

We don’t have all the answers to the meaning of marriage. We don’t have a perfect marriage, but we have one vulnerable enough to share with others the lessons God has taught and is teaching us along the way.

We do know the One who possesses perfect love that casts out all fear.

If you live in the area, consider attending. It starts the end of October. And if you feel you have a solid, Christ-centered marriage and have a heart to help others see Christ at work in their marriage, we’d love to connect with you.

We are praying in advance for you and your marriages, even as we ask that those reading this pray for us, our marriage, and the marriages God is calling us to serve. In Jesus’ name.

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Signature Image: Tracy Stella

What Are You Desperate for God to Do?

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Welcome to Facets of Faith. Whether it’s your first time reading or you frequently join the conversation, our team hopes you’ll stick around to read the other perspectives for this month’s topic. Jennifer and Kim will share their hearts as to what they are desperate for God to do, and we have a new guest writer coming up in week four. The beauty of writing with a team is one of our perspectives will likely hit home with you. We pray God ministers to your hearts and minds as you read what God puts on our hearts to share with you. Be blessed sweet friends!

Have you ever had one of those days? You know the kind. The ones you think it would be so much easier to throw in the towel. Mentally you resign yourself, wanting nothing more than to check out and let someone else deal with the situation, project, or person.

I have never felt that way.

Not even once.

Ha!

Not true!

Some days I am full of joy and zest for life, passion overflowing, spilling upon everyone around me. I like those days. I like myself on those days. Sunny side up. Lots of yellow to brighten spirits, mine and others’.

But what about the days when I feel downcast and discouraged?

Those are the days when I need extra doses of God and His love for me. Those are the days when I don’t care what any human being has to say (no offense intended). Human voices may be the very ones who discouraged me most that day.

Oh, I know intellectually where the source of that discouraging voice comes from. The enemy is on the sidelines gloating when he sees any of God’s children gloomy and discouraged. Perhaps he enjoys it the very most when he thinks he is interfering with God’s plan for our lives. He deludes himself into thinking he can win.  But he’s not on the winning team!

Some days I need to remind him – and myself – of that fact.

According to Merriam Webster, discourage means

1: to deprive of courage or confidence: dishearten

2a: to hinder by disfavoring

2b: to dissuade or attempt to dissuade from doing something

Recently, discouraging words were spoken within my earshot. It wasn’t a word or two. It went on and on for an extended period. The longer the conversation continued, the more I withered inside. Unbeknownst (at first) to the person, little by little the lies of the enemy began to drown out the sweet still small voice of the Lord. Each word the person spoke stabbed at my heart. I wanted to leave, but I felt trapped.

Chisel, chisel, chisel … the words chipped away at my heart and my spirit. I went from excited about what God is doing in my life to disheartened.

Not because of anything God had said or done. This wasn’t the voice of encouragement, or even quiet correction that God might need to give. No. This voice was downright discouraging, intent on stealing every ounce of courage and joy within me as I embark upon a new endeavor.

I know why that happened. God has plans for my life. They are good. They involve others. I feel like there are amazing things He has on the horizon. My strategic brain can see His fuzzy plan in the distance. Not every step mind you, but some strong hints at where we’re going. And it’s good. It’s awesome. And the enemy wants to discourage my heart in the infancy of this new endeavor. He wants to silence me before I’ve barely gotten started.

The enemy wants to steal my courage. Remember, that’s what discouragement is, a stealing of our courage. The enemy tries to steal, kill, and destroy us at every turn (John 10:10). Discouragement is one of the tools in his arsenal of weapons.

Because the enemy has been defeated, he attempts to make us walk in defeat.

Our task is to not let him, to be spiritually aware enough to shake off his slimy words intended to weigh us down.

Many of you have probably heard that God’s Word tells us 365 times not to be afraid. In other words, to take courage. Not to be discouraged.

In moments when I feel discouraged, I am most desperate to hear God’s voice.

In moments when I feel discouraged, I am desperate for God to encourage me. I NEED His encouragement. He knows EXACTLY what words I need to hear in any given moment.

I am DESPERATE to hear God’s sweet, encouraging words. He is always in my cheering section!

Yes! This way My dear! Don’t let anyone discourage you. If you need to borrow courage, I will give you Mine.  You discern correctly. We are going somewhere really wonderful together. And we will do good things together. My love for you will drown out the deceptive voice of the discourager. Take courage, dear heart. Take courage. Through My encouragement, take courage.  You know how it says in My Word that the humble come to Me and I hear them? I hear you. I hear your desperate cry for encouragement. I hear your silent prayer, from your heart, for help. I hear you, dear one. I hear you.  

Maybe you needed to hear those words too. Are you desperate for encouragement? Know that God hears you. I pray God speaks the words your heart needs to hear and that you absorb them into the very fiber of your being. I pray you take courage from God’s encouragement to you. Because He’s got something good for you too!

God understands our needs and desires. He understands our desperation. I am grateful for His insight and understanding. I am grateful for His still small voice that continues to speak in the midst of our despair and discouragement, The Voice that guides our heart back into alignment with His view of us and our situation.

This doesn’t mean God will never correct us, but His voice isn’t the one condemning and chipping away at our courage. Never would God speak to us in that tone. Never!

For consider Him who endured such hostility against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.─Hebrews 12:3 NKJV

As I think about Jesus and His assignment to come and save the world through His death and resurrection, I wonder how discouraged He must have felt. He was on assignment from God the Father. He was sacrificing much! Ultimately, His life. But even before that, He gave His time, talent, and attention to those around Him. He ministered from a deep well of love. Yet He experienced hostility against Himself.

If Jesus can go to the cross for my sins and your sins too, can’t we consider Him and what His Word says?

Any sacrifice I am making is nothing compared to what Jesus sacrificed (obviously). Nothing! I heard some words that I wish I wouldn’t have. But I (none of us) has endured hostility anything like what Jesus had to endure as a result of people’s sin. My sin. Your sin.

If He can utter, forgive them Father for they know not what they do as He hung from a cross, what is left for me to consider? (Luke 23:24)

I have sinned. I have been given God’s free gift of forgiveness as a result of Jesus’ sacrifice. His death and resurrection conquered the hostility that came against Him and each of us as His followers. His death conquered MY hostility toward the gospel, because I didn’t ALWAYS believe. And even as I believe, I still do things out of alignment with God’s heart. I need to forgive, because I’ve been forgiven.

If we are His children, He left us with the greatest encouragement of all. One day, heaven will come down to earth and we will abide in a peaceful dwelling with Him for all eternity. Words of discouragement and deception will not exist. Sin, mine and others’, will not exist.

Until that time, we can take courage.

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.─Hebrews 12:1-2 NKJV

 Jesus, who came to do good encountered great hostility and yet He still finished His assignment. He wants us to lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares (ours and others) in order to run our race with endurance. God is the author and finisher of our faith. Let His Word encourage you when others’ words attempt to weigh you down. Nothing can weigh us down when we walk in the fullness of understanding of God’s truth. Our inheritance is to be seated with Christ in heavenly places (Ephesians 2:6). Nothing the enemy tries to say can change that. Nothing!

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Signature Image: Tracy Stella