Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

Difficult People: Meet, Pray, Love?

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Hi friends, it’s Thanksgiving time! I (Jennifer) love that a day is marked on the American calendar to count good things, but I hope you aren’t grateful just once a year. Among many, I count my trusted friends, Tracy and Kim, as two favorite blessings. This month Tracy shared on the topic of gratitude here, Kim’s up next week, and then we’re introducing our guest, Hyacynth, the fourth week. Peek on Tuesdays to read the latest posts. Better yet—subscribe to receive e-mails, and you won’t miss a thing! You’ll be glad you did.

I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving Day and a heart full of gratitude for the goodness God has provided for you and those close to you. My list of blessings is a mile long when I intentionally look, but sometimes it’s harder than I want to admit to spot some. This month FACETS focuses on what to do when we encounter difficult people in life. A rough time in relationship with someone, glitches and hitches in what ought to be a smooth interaction, and I find my internal peace melting and running away like butter on a big, ol’ pile of mashed potatoes. Do you have a cycle of frustration with someone you want to change? I do. Do difficult people make your blessings list? *Sigh* That can be a tall order, but I want them to!

I write with the clear reminder: if I can’t find the difficult person in my life, it might be me. If everyone else in my life is difficult, I might consider that I’m the common denominator. So I’m sensitive on two levels—I examine my relationships to be the peacemaker in a difficult interaction, and I need to address my broken relational ways with someone to stop being the difficult half of the interaction. (Whoa! Stuff’s gettin’ real right there, isn’t it?)

Relational tension can be rooted in varied “personality wiring.” It’s not always natural for opposites to interact (though, I hear they attract). Consider that, but I’m thinking about something else. I’m concerned about harmful words or actions that bruise and break relationships. Depending on the damage, we may label people in strong terms: source of frustration, annoyance, adversary, or enemy.

So what do we do when we encounter a difficult person—or even more intense versions of “difficult”?

I’ve had trouble of late, so I searched the Scriptures for wisdom on this very thing. The truth is, I found something I definitely should not do and things I absolutely should. I’m thankful the Bible is clear if I look carefully.

What Not to Do…
Why is it God explicitly states the “do nots”? It’s because He cares—about us and the people we interact with. God’s heart reflects love and care. He doesn’t want pain for us, but it’s part of this broken world. If we’re willing to do what He prescribes, we can spare our hearts some hurt, and we can impact others’ lives positively. So what is His wisdom?

Don’t gloat when your enemy falls, and don’t let your heart rejoice when he stumbles, Proverbs 24:17 CSB

It’s tempting to gloat when someone who has caused us pain falls flat, but we are given specific direction. It’s never right to celebrate someone’s downfall, He says. (Think about this in multiple realms: personal, professional, political, etc.)

And then there’s the flip side.

What We Should Do…
The beauty of the Bible is the clarity on some topics. When it comes to relationships, there is wisdom and straightforward direction.

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; Proverbs 25:21

But if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Romans 12:20

The Complete Jewish Bible words it this way: “fiery coals [of shame].” I notice I’m not responsible for shaming, only the loving way needs are met. Does this display of love sit well with you? I’m thankful these words come at Thanksgiving when eating and drinking is so much a part of the day. What if the choice to share food and drink with a genuinely sensitive, loving heart could be a reality? What if forgiveness made that possible this holiday or any day?

Difficult people in life? Jesus makes it clear—

43 “You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5 [emphasis added]

This is what we should do with the difficult people and extremely difficult people. It’s how we respond to little things (the “small change” of relational stress) and the word or action that cut so deep it scarred the heart, mind, and body. In humility, love and pray. Maybe the hardest choices, they are the things that free us from self-made pain prisons (resentment and anger cause self-inflicted pain for the duration). Choose well. Make the next right choice!

I hope we all embrace the truth here. Choosing love and prayer is never wrong, but it can be hard. Like, the excruciating kind of hard!

On top of meeting needs, loving, and praying; may I suggest a perspective shift? Whether the difficult person is standing in front of you or your own brokenness is troublesome, try seeing things this way:

16 From now on, then, we do not know anyone in a purely human way. Even if we have known Christ in a purely human way, yet now we no longer know Him like that. 17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come. 18 Now everything is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed the message of reconciliation to us. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ; certain that God is appealing through us, we plead on Christ’s behalf, “Be reconciled to God.” 21 He made the One who did not know sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. 2 Corinthians 5 CSB

What if our focus were to reconcile relationships (trying our very best!) in hopes of showing one thing. If the love we received from God through Jesus made enough of an impact that we cared to extend it, would people notice? I have a sneakin’ suspicion they might.

Thanks for reading along, friend! If this post is helpful, that’s a “God thing.” Share away if you think others might be blessed. The FACETS would be thankful!

Signature, Jennifer Howe

What Do You Do When You Have a Giant Turkey in Your Life?

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Welcome to FACETS of Faith. Whether it’s your first visit to our pages or you are a regular reader, thank you for engaging! We pray God meets you across the pages of what He inspires us to write and share. Months in advance we ask for His direction. This month we felt led to explore difficult relationships. We all have them. How we handle them is what will define the amount of peace and joy we have in our lives. Since peace and joy is our prayer for you, our readers, we also pray God speaks to your heart and helps you have the best holiday season with friends and family!

Can you believe it? The holiday season is upon us. ALREADY. Someone told me the other day how many Fridays remain before Christmas. I won’t do that to you here. Who needs that kind of pressure?

As blessed as the holidays can be, aren’t they full of enough pressure all on their own?

Frankly, not everyone considers the holidays a blessing. Some wish it away like wind that brushes through the trees, stirring things up, desiring nothing more than for the leaves to safely settle back into place. When will this wind storm be over?

A number of years ago in a Bible study, I remember a person expressing sentiments like, I just wish the holidays were over already. I don’t like spending time with my family. They are full of drama, and the whole thing drains me dry.

Obviously, there is hurt and offense when that’s the place a person finds him or herself sitting.  The Thanksgiving table (or conference room table) isn’t long enough to separate you from the person you perceive too difficult.

Your best hope seems to be to pray this thing will all be over. Quickly. Please God. Let it be over, so we can get back to normal life where we don’t have to deal with difficult people. Grin and bear it.

Can I challenge you a little on that?

Dealing with difficult people is a daily experience, because there are a lot of broken people in the world who often don’t even realize how they are impacting others.

If they do realize how they hurt others and continue to engage in that behavior, imagine how much they must be hurting inside to keep sabotaging relationships. The well of pain must run deep.

What does God ask us as believers?

If you call yourself a believer, we need to deal with people’s pain (including our own) in a different manner than that of the world.

Our flesh might want to fight back, to defend ourselves, to resist relationship because sometimes it feels too hard. But that’s not what God asks of us.

Actually, He’s not asking.

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.─John 13:34 NLT

God commands us to love. Loving like Jesus calls us to isn’t easy. It’s not simple like buying a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Nope. More like being grateful that God has given us the capacity to love, because He LOVED US FIRST. Because He did and when we really grasp that, love gets a bit easier even through its difficulty.

This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.─John 15:12 NLT

How has God loved you?

It’s an interesting question to consider: How has God loved you?

I encourage you to journal, asking God to help you explore all the ways He has loved you. Let’s each of us get His perspective on LOVE. Even those of us with the best of intentions on loving well, really can’t fully grasp how to love like God.  Remember, His love is high and vast and wide and deep like it says in Ephesians.

But we can ask Him to help us understand and act in alignment with His love. He’ll hear it as a prayer and help us all learn to love one another better.

God wants that from and for us.

Why did He give Eve to Adam? God knew Adam needed a helper, someone to be in relationship with. But remember how they blamed each other when Satan and sin came into the equation? “It’s Satan’s fault.” “It’s Eve’s fault.” And where was Adam when he was supposed to be leading his family? Oh yeah, he wasn’t, and he didn’t take responsibility for his actions.  Let’s not be like them. Finger pointing never helped anyone.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.  Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we can ask or think.─Ephesians 3:18-20 NLT

If there is one thing I’ve learned from my time here on planet earth, it is that most people do not grasp the love of Christ deep down in their hearts. If they did, people would act much kinder to one another. Kind even when we see life from opposite sides of the coin. Kind when we want to cry out. Kind when we wish our own heart wasn’t so broken. Loving each other doesn’t mean we will always agree. It means we’ll love each other anyhow. We’ll love each other with God’s power when ours is insufficient.

That means every day. Because no matter how huge your heart is and how motivated you are to love well, you just won’t be able to without God’s help. But rest assured, He’ll help you.

What is the relational game changer?

I believe the relational game changer is when we experience the love of Christ as Ephesians states. The EXPERIENCE of Christ is what allows me to love others. I don’t always execute on that perfectly, but my heart now is in the right place on that. And that’s a good start. I want to love well, because I have experienced the deep well of God’s love toward me.

Even as I understand His deep love for me, I want and need to understand it more. That understanding is important for me.  It’s also imperative for everyone whose lives mine intersects.

God’s love is too great for any of us to fully understand. Too great! But I challenge you to try to grasp it anyhow. It’s a worthy pursuit.

Whose side are we on?

There’s power in loving well. When we love others well we take power away from the dominion of darkness. The enemy wants hearts to be full of hatred, anger, bitterness, enmity, offense, and unforgiveness. When we choose not to love well, we’re choosing to side with the enemy.

I know that statement sounds harsh. Sorry. Our behavior doesn’t change our position as a child of God. Our behavior doesn’t steal our salvation. But our lack of loving others well (or less than we are called to), does diminish our effectiveness for Christ. It also reduces the likelihood God can use us to the fullest of the potential He has placed within us.

What might be accomplished if we really grasped God’s love?

If every child of God more fully grasped how deeply God loves him or her, we wouldn’t have buildings large enough to house all the people flocking to get near our Shepherd. We’d be like Paul radically transformed by the love of Christ making impact beyond our imagination.

Isn’t that what the last part of our Ephesians scripture says?

through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we can ask or think.

Infinitely more.

What would happen in your church, your family, your community if you experienced God’s love more and then shared it with others? What are you imagining?

Now imagine infinitely more than that. Claim the promise. Infinitely more!

What does our experience of God require?

Once we grasp God’s love for us, our experience of His love requires a response. Our love for Him. Isn’t that how love works? A give and a receive needed from both parties invested in relationship. At its best, yes.

In Jesus’ words: “If you love me, obey my commandments.”─John 14:15 NLT

Perhaps when we love well (and when we don’t) God is showing us something about ourselves. Where are those places within each of us He still needs to touch? Is God showing you a past wound in need of healing? Is He showing you a place in need of restoration? Is He helping to equip you for a new assignment? Does He need you to look at something within, so He can use you and your gifting for more than you can think or imagine?

to accomplish infinitely more than we can ask or think.

What blessing does God have for you this holiday season?

Are you willing to love well to find out?

“Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them .”─John 14:21 NLT

Do you desire to know God more? More personally? Do you desire God to reveal Himself to you? When we are busy loving others, rest assured He will reveal Himself to us.

When I seek Him with intention to love others well, He whispers loud. He leads the way. He says, “This will bless.” “This one will feel loved when you write this.” “This one needs a hug. Go give her one.”

If you want to see God more in your life, love others. He’ll be sure to reveal Himself. Remember, He’s always there, right next to you, within you, all around. But we can see Him best when we are looking in love toward Him and others. When we do, we are blessed in the process. His plan is beautiful.

My prayer for you is that you will live a blessed, beautiful life full of God’s love for yourself and that you share it with others. Sweet, pure, and powerful love.  Love illuminates God’s glory. When we love God and love others well, perhaps there is no higher form of praise we can give Him.

I’ll leave you with Paul’s words to the church of Corinth.

Paul said, “I am not commanding you to do this. But I am testing how genuine your love is by comparing it with the eagerness of the other churches.”─2 Corinthians 8:8 NLT

Are you eager to accept Paul’s challenge?

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

How Is God Helping You to Bloom in Your Marriage?

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This month at Facets of Faith we touch upon an area near and dear to my heart─marriage. I (Tracy) know that word hits us all a bit differently. Some may wince from pain etched deep, too many hurts and not enough fingers to keep track of the sorrow from two broken people who don’t quite know how to love one another well.

Sadly, that’s the story of my first marriage. It halted. Like a sun-scorched river, love dried up. I dried up. Eyes of grace (now) see he did too.

No one sets sail for divorce. Sometimes a shipwreck occurs, and divorce’s devastation takes place. Crashed and battered against rock hard as granite, hearts closed off to hope, sinking in despair faster than an anchor tossed overboard. I’ve been there. Without Christ, there’s little hope for a marriage in jeopardy. I didn’t know that then. I appreciate it now. I hold tight to my Anchor, the One that is the Anchor for my soul. (Hebrews 6:19)

My God didn’t leave me shipwrecked, cast upon the shore like a fractured shell worth little value because of her imperfections. The rough edges, He’d soften. Over time. Like grains of sand, sometimes it felt abrasive, because smoothing out the rough edges often is painful. But with God there is purpose in the pain. God’s healing hands hold us close and restore us, making us new.

The fractured places where His hand fuses us back together become stronger, even as they have the potential to make us more beautiful.

Scars healed help us see our Savior as Healer, Lover of our soul (for He is).

Scars healed help us see others through eyes softer. Less judgment, more compassion.

Scars healed help us see ourselves differently, flawed yet somehow more real and relatable, because we’re not the only ones tired of pretending. Many crave authenticity.

My life is good, but it is not perfect. There is not always a cherry on top. I’m grateful it doesn’t always have to be cherry on top perfection to feel real and good.

I used to think that cherry had to be placed just so and, if not, my world might crumble. The problem with that “theology” is it often does.

I got divorced, and I almost nearly died. I thought I’d shrivel and not ever see past the hurt and pain of that loss, even as I pretended I didn’t need to grieve. Grieve? Why? I’m okay, my common refrain back then. Only I wasn’t. I melted faster than ice cream on a warm July day. I contemplated taking my life, because I didn’t see hope for a new one. I’m so grateful God reached in and gave me a reason to live. Him!

Christ Jesus sets a heart held captive free, and brings more and more freedom each day as we walk with Him. Little by little, or sometimes big by big, He makes us new.

As God does that in my life through the heart and hands of my second husband, Sam, He shows me I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. I’m grateful for that gift. God uses Sam to help me be vulnerable and most myself (other than the times spent with Christ).

There’s something very powerful being loved for who you really are, kind and loving sometimes, but not always. Brave and courageous or weak and trembling, either way whichever wife he has that day, Sam has loved me well. He’s not perfect, nor am I. But somehow God uses two broken people to strengthen one another, to hear each other’s hearts holding them gently. Hearts are tender and can easily be broken. I appreciate Sam’s soft touch to the softer parts of me that feel emotionally naked as I seek his council when I need a wise second opinion.

I think of where we started. Me, too afraid to even utter the word marriage. The “M” word all I could muster. Now, I think of marriage and I smile, grateful to God for the gift He gave me in Sam. If you know him, you know how sweet and kind he is. Had I been stubborn or too afraid to step out, I would have missed a gift from God.

He seeks to understand me, Sam does. He said he studies me. I’m glad for that, because he sometimes helps me gently see things in me or about me that I don’t have enough perspective on. I know me too well. I’m too familiar with me. I need a trusted outside perspective. How do you see this situation, Sam? What insight do you have? Trust. Something I didn’t think I’d ever do again.

If that’s where you are sitting, I want you to know it IS possible to trust again. I started by learning to trust Jesus.  He showed me how to begin to trust others. He showed me how to trust myself again. Slowly.

“Our bravest moments come from trusting, from falling into the plans of God. When we do, bravery becomes less about courage and more about faith.”₁

If you are in a marriage that’s being tossed against the rocks, don’t give up. Divorce is NOT the easy option. As grateful as I am for God’s second chances, it would be very remiss of me to not give this council. I wish someone would have said it to me. Seek God and let Him be the Savior of your marriage. Nothing and no one is beyond His healing hand. Pray for yourself. Pray for your husband. And pray for unity in your marriage. Saving your marriage won’t be easy, but it is possible.

It all starts with the Love of Jesus, for without that, life is futile and full of the illusion of love. Only the Author of Love can properly lead us down love’s river without leading us astray. Jesus helps us avoid unnecessary white waters that would like to pull us under.

Fortunately, God rescued me. And He rescues me time and time again. Often, through the hands of a husband who learned how to love me well, because He allowed God to show him how. Sam would admit to you he didn’t know how to love. At 40 years of age, he’d never been married. What I love about my husband’s heart is he asked God to show him how to love me well. Lucky for me, God answers a prayer like that!

I often have referred to Sam as my Boaz, I his Ruth.  I met him when I was incredibly vulnerable. Many men would have taken advantage of that. Some did. Not so Sam. He showed me something different. A man of character who treated me like a woman should be treated, with dignity and respect. I remember being nervous, not knowing how to act in this foreign field of Christian relationship. How does this work anyhow?

God showed us how.

Through my marriage God has brought me from being a wildflower to a lillie, growing more and more pure each passing year. Mind you, there’s much more purity to be had by yours truly. But God has brought Sam and I quite a distance from where we first started.

My Boaz who didn’t take advantage when so many others had, helped me to regain my self-esteem. Through Sam’s love, I saw the Father’s Love. Still do. The idea of intimacy restored, restored back to God’s intention. Holy. Beautiful. Possible even when it doesn’t make sense based on a person’s track record.

Sam and I recently celebrated our six year wedding anniversary. I can’t quite believe it. Feels just like yesterday. No, it’s not 25 or 30, but it’s something significant from a gal who wasn’t willing to consider walking down the aisle again.

Perhaps even more astounding is what God has done in a relatively short amount of time. He has helped me to bloom because of Sam. I would not be the woman I am (and the woman I am becoming) without him.

A man, in fact, should not cover his head because he is God’s image and glory, but woman is man’s glory.─1 Corinthians 11:7 HCSB

As my husband, Sam partakes in any good God brings forth. I am a reflection of him and his love for me. I’ve experienced God’s love through Sam, and because of that expression of love, God’s glory is revealed. Love is always a reflection of Christ. Not the stuff of Hollywood, but the stuff of life, real life, the hard stuff as well as the good stuff. The stuff of tears when I need comfort and I find a safe shoulder to rest my head upon. The safe harbor helps me to bloom.

I hold my head higher, because I’ve experienced honorable love. Dignity restored, because that was the Father’s design all along.

The best anniversary gift I’ve received so far was fruit of Sam’s love standing right by my side at church: three young women rescued from sex trafficking whom I now get to help. Had my husband not loved me well, I wouldn’t have bloomed. Unimaginably, God wouldn’t be able to use me to help three other tender hearts learn how to receive love, and sometime in each of their futures, to love others well. To trust again. Someday. That is my prayer for each precious one.

I can talk with them about how hard it is to trust. I get it. It’s hard; it can feel impossible. I can also talk with these precious women about hope of love, intimacy, and restoration beyond their wildest dreams. Three beautiful buds waiting to bloom, but starting to open up, stood to my left, my husband to my right. Me sandwiched between trying hard to hold back tears on Mother’s Day as I thought, Lord, how on earth did I get here? Thank you! Not in a million years would I have guessed this one!

Later, in the car, I got to tell my husband how much I appreciate him. God put it on my heart to give him an anniversary present of honor. You see, Sam is not only my Boaz, he is also a man of mighty valor. He’s brave. After all, he took on me (and oh did that take courage back in the day!).

None of the ministry God has given me would have been possible without you, Sam. None of it. Because you loved me so well, I am now able to love others well. Thank you! Because of our story, I can give them hope that they will have genuine intimacy, the love we’re all after. Every woman helped, you have helped. This is your ministry too!

And it is.

Epilogue:  Thank you for helping me to bloom, Sam! One day you will receive many rewards for the things you’ve done in secret to honor and love me well. Until then, I pray you receive rich rewards here on earth as well. I know when you get to heaven one day (hopefully far, far into our future) Jesus is going to hold you in His arms and tell you “Well done, my good and faithful servant. You did good. Very, very good, My son. I am proud of you. You were a good steward of your wife and an excellent model for other men to follow. Well done, My son. Well done.”

If you are married, how can you allow your husband to help you bloom? How can you honor him?

If you’ve never read the book of Ruth in the Bible, I encourage you to do so. It’s a beautiful love story that points to Christ’s love for us, His bride.

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

₁Lyons, Rebekah. You are Free. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017.