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How Do We Grow in Intimacy?

07.02.2019 by Tracy Stella //

Welcome to FACETS of Faith, sweet friends!  Whether you are a new friend, or someone who has been with us on this journey for quite some time, I (Tracy) pray God meets you right where you are. It’s not by mistake God has brought you to these pages. I pray you feel God’s loving, warm embrace upon you as your eyes and heart absorb what He has for you.

Depending on your perspective, this topic might stir a host of emotion. You could be enthusiastic about the idea of intimacy.

If you’ve had tragedy in this area, you could be terrified at the mere mention of the word.  Please don’t check out if that’s you.  Hang in there. Let’s see what healing and restoration God desires to bring to your life. You are BRAVE, sweet one!

Perhaps you’re somewhere in the middle, a little indifferent to the thought of intimacy.  Maybe you’re unaware there’s a snag in beliefs you have long held as truth.  Maybe what you’ve believed for a lifetime isn’t what you once thought when you turn beliefs over and see what lies beneath.

How do we grow in intimacy? (Tracy Stella)Intimacy can be beautiful. Pure, sweet, love extended to our marital partner. The counterfeit, worldly version can leave us wanting more. Because there is more when we’re rooted and grounded in Christ’s love.

Truth be told, as we tossed out the idea of writing on this topic, some of the FACETS team was more than a little apprehensive. So, if that’s how you are feeling, know that you are not alone.  There’s comfort in that thought, right?

For me personally, I embrace the idea of intimacy when it means intellectual connection, when it means experience of fun things together, but sexual intimacy stirs up a whole pot of feelings that, in some regard, my initial internal response is to run.

Life experience used to tell me men wanted one thing and my job was to give it to them.  I deeply desired someone to love me, but struggled with the idea I was even worthy of love.  The more years under my belt, the more deeply engrained those lies became. I grew to believe I was only as valuable as how I made the other person feel.   And because I allowed my misguided attempts at love to guide my decisions, sadly, it was a self-fulfilling prophesy.  Very often I attracted the wrong type of man, the one who only wanted to use me for what I could give him and then move on.

Not everyone in my life fell into that category, but many did.

This internal belief only served to create a deeper root of insecurity. I put a lot of pressure on myself to look a certain way, to do certain things – performance more than genuine, intimate connection.

If someone could have looked inside my heart, they would have seen a grieving young girl that grew into a grieving, love-starved woman.  As years progressed, I became more and more broken.  I became what I thought I was worth.

If we don’t value ourselves. No one else will either.

I also possessed a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors.  It all came down to me feeling not good enough, so I’d engage in behaviors that were sure to prove my theory true.

At some point anger set in as well.  I was mad about how I’d been treated, about the things certain people said or did. There were deep scars that served to scream at me. Unworthy! Unlovable! Not enough!

I was raped at a party and disassociated from the memory for a long time, even though I had attempted suicide because of that incident.  There’s a cumulative effect of life’s trials. All the layers of mine had added up to despair.  I was in a relationship with a “good guy”, but after the rape incident, my body and my mind couldn’t carry the weight of it all.

I sabotaged the relationship, because of the depths of depression I was sinking in.  It was suffocating, and I wouldn’t have been able to even tell you why.  Only my journals revealed the truth. Years later, when I read the words I’d written long before my eyes could handle reading them, I sighed a sigh of relief. Somehow, things began to make sense.  Not crazy. Deeply wounded and in need of God’s loving, healing hands that never hurt. His embrace always sweet. Pure. Innocent. Love.  Good intentions from the day He created you and me in our mother’s wombs.

Another journal from 3rd grade revealed inappropriate adult attention from a neighbor.  I wasn’t sure if my mind was making it up and reading too much into the words I saw in my “little girl” journal. I was able to verify through someone else who also spent a lot of time with this individual that he had done inappropriate things to us both.  As sad as that made me feel for the little girl who used to be me, I was grateful for the puzzle piece to my story.

When we’re ready for the details, they can bring clarity and relief.  These insights can’t be rushed or provoked. I believe it’s all in God’s good timing. He shows up as truth mixed with love when we have the capacity to see it, to process it without being undone because of it.

As part of my story, I had an abortion. The unknown trauma that decision caused me came to light a number of years ago (and decades after my decision) when God brought me through a healing journey. I received His forgiveness and was given the opportunity to grieve the loss of my child. I’m glad eternity is long. Time will give us the chance to get to know one another while worshipping Jesus together.

God is merciful to forgive repentant hearts from things we may think are beyond His reach.  Even more beautiful? His grace takes our worst sin and works it together for our good.  Sharing about my bad decision has helped others to make a good one. Each child’s life saved because sharing of story is a picture of God’s grace. It’s LAVISH, my friends!

Sex used to be my misguided attempt to give and receive love. I really had no concept of what genuine, sacrificial, Christ-shaped love looked like. I thought if I used my body to appeal to men they would love me.  Instead, I was so often left feeling unloved and rejected (even if the relationship were longer). I came to believe my worth and value to a man was calculated by how I made him feel.

This and probably a scroll’s worth of sin I brought into my marriage.

My life has shaped me, but it doesn’t define me.  Christ does!  For you too. Nothing you have done, nothing that has been done to you, is beyond His redemption.

His blood covers my sin and shame. In fact, He blows those things to smithereens. It’s one of the reasons I’m genuinely grateful to God for what He has done in my life.  His grace is the only reason I can write about my past without feeling condemned by it.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.─Ephesians 4:32

I have been forgiven much. I had to forgive much. God’s grace helped (and helps) me to not only extend forgiveness but receive it as well.  When you have spent a large chunk of your life feeling unworthy, Christ’s grace makes sure you believe you are.  Worthy of forgiveness. Worthy of love. Worthy of His time and undivided attention. Worthy of so much more than what we think or imagine.

He wants us to run to Him with our wounds, to rest secure in His arms.  He is Counselor. He is Physician. He is Friend.  He is our Husband. As children of God, we are His bride.

When you have a past as bumpy as the road I’ve travelled, the only way to feel worthy of the beauty and grace that is God and all He has for us is by losing ourselves in His immense love.  If you’ve never experienced the love of God, I pray you are open enough to the idea of Him to receive it. He is Beautiful. Pure. True. Untainted.

He gives us power and strength to peer into our past for the purpose of a bright, beautiful, and hopeful future.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”─Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Even if you don’t believe you are worthy, even if you don’t believe those words could be true for you, if you have only a morsel of hope and belief they are true for you, that is enough. I pray God grows your belief into the fullness of reality that you are worthy. Valuable. Priceless and treasured.

I know this is possible, because He took this once broken woman and gave me a hope for my future. My life is good, pure, sweet and true, because I’m following the One who is Good, Pure, Sweet and True.  He brings peace, and love, healing, and redemption.

He makes all things beautiful in their time.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.─Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV

Friends, we can’t fathom the goodness God desires to give us here on earth and for all eternity.

He does give us glimpses.

God gave me a new vision of love and marriage when He brought Sam into my life.  From my past and the way I used to create favor with men, God didn’t allow me to use those tactics.  He wanted Sam and I to do things differently. I’m so grateful for that!

Because Sam and I weren’t relying on physical intimacy, we created genuine intimacy. I do believe other than God, he knows me best. He knows me better than anyone else ever has.  And sometimes he even knows me better than I know myself.

Because we didn’t rely on physical intimacy, I had no choice but to use new tools (mostly a dependency on God to help me walk out a Christian relationship). I prayed God would help me. And He did. And He does.

When there have been challenges Sam and I have had to navigate, as are inevitable in life, we have a strong foundation. Our relationship is built on Christ, the solid rock on which we stand. From that vantage point, His loving hand strengthens and encourages us to continue forward in this loving one another well thing. Really. Truly. Deeply. Flawed and imperfect, but genuine and real. My mask is off. I’m me and I hope he always feels he can be Sam.  In the world we might not always be able to wear our heart on our sleeve, but I hope with one another we always will.

Merriam Webster’s definition of intimacy says intimacy is:

  1. marked by a warm friendship developing through long association
  2. suggesting informal warmth or privacy
  3. engaged in, involving, or marked by sex or sexual relations

In aggregate, these make for a brilliant, wonderful marriage. We need friendship first through long association. Friendship isn’t confused by physicality and endorphins.  Friendship says, “I see you for who you really are. I like you. I like spending time with you. It could be anything, really, as long as we are together.”

Genuine intimacy also requires warmth and privacy. In a marital bond with Christ leading and guiding, there is a genuine caring and concern. Because Christ lives in us, we possess His nature. He is love. He is trustworthy. He is safe. As husbands and wives, we need to be that for one another.  If there has been a breach in trust for any reason, seek to make restoration. Seek forgiveness or seek God to give it to your spouse. It’s not easy. But it’s possible.  Trust is built over time, through long association. Little by little, brick by brick, the house Love builds can withstand life’s storms.

While God calls me to share openly and vulnerably sometimes (to help others and to bring deeper healing to me), Sam is most often made aware of my heart long, long before I write or speak about a topic. Sam is kind. He is tender. He holds my hurts and heart gently. Over the course of our long association I have learned I can trust him. At first it felt monumental to share pieces of me and my story, like cliff diving into an unknown sea. Now it feels safe to share with Sam.  I can be in my jammies armed with a box of Kleenex, looking a hot mess and know that his heart is for me.

Honestly, the physical nature of our relationship is hardest for me. There’s much hurt and brokenness there on my part, distortion of what is pure, lovely, and true.

God created sex. Satan tainted it.  God has grown me to look at sex more through His eyes. At first it was a lot of the “thou shalt nots” being given─not from a distant, dictating God. Guidance given from a loving Father who only wants what’s best for me.

If you don’t know Him or just need reminding,

God wants what’s best for you!

For awhile, I had a hard time distancing myself from memories I didn’t want to linger.  I didn’t want reminders of those experiences determined to try to define me.  The enemy loved to torment me with those thoughts and doubts. But God brought deliverance and freedom. Years in God’s Word.  Years in the school of the Holy Spirit, being comforted by Him and reassured there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Receiving His love and healing. Helping others. These all served to set me free.

Christ gave me freedom. And when I need reminding, He gives me freedom. Sometimes he brings me to new depths of freedom, each time less to hinder me.  Growth in the soil of God’s goodness.

God helps me to experience sex as intimacy, not as an act.  Acting I was good at. Intimacy I’m growing to become good at. It doesn’t happen over night, it happens in increments.  Imagine a bucket on the beach. Little by little you fill it with sand. Eventually it is full. Eventually it overflows. Intimacy is like that.

If you have a story like mine, intimacy isn’t easy.   But it if you have a story like mine and God is in the equation, intimacy is possible.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”─Matthew 19:26 NIV

Jesus looks at you.

Jesus looks at you and says, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Lord, help each person whose eyes read this to fear not, to know that You are with them. Help them to be not dismayed. Help them to know You. Strengthen each one. Help them and uphold them with Your righteous right hand.  In Jesus’ name, amen!

“Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

─Isaiah 41:10 NKJV

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Signature Image: Tracy Stella

 

Categories // Blooming in Marriage, Forgiveness, Freedom, Friendship, How to Love When It's Hard, Tracy Stella's Perspective Tags // abortion, beauty, Depression, Ecclesiastes 3:11, Ephesians 4:32, forgiveness, Freedom, Friendship, Grace, healing, hope, Intimacy, Isaiah 41:10, Jeremiah 29:11, Love, marriage, Matthew 19:26, Mercy, Purity, Rape, Redemption, Revelation, Safe, Safety, Sexual Trauma, sin, Suicide, Trust, Worth, Worthy

Do You Believe God’s Promises – Really?

01.02.2018 by Tracy Stella //

Happy New Year! Welcome to Facets of Faith and our first series of 2018, Do You Believe God’s Promises─Really? As we talked about how we wanted to kick this year off, we felt digging into how well rooted we are in the belief of God’s promises was a great place to start. The greater our belief in God’s promises, the greater each of us will walk out 2018 to all its fullest potential. That is our prayer for every reader of our series, that she would know fully who she is and how much God has planned for her… this year and beyond!

My (Tracy’s) guess is we can all recall instances where someone made us a promise, but didn’t keep it. A broken promise is like ceramic pottery dropped to the floor, pieces scattered in need of clean up.

Betrayal is messy.

Not always is there ill intent when a person’s word is broken. Perhaps they had good intentions, but something got in the way of fulfilling their commitment.

Sometimes, it really is that a person’s word may not mean much. More than the words they utter, behaviors tell us better what to believe. As the old saying goes, sometimes “proof is in the pudding”.

Even minor infractions if left unattended layer and diminish the sparkling potential of two people coming together in friendship, matrimony, or some other special connection.

Keeping our promises really matters. But we humans aren’t always the greatest at doing what matters most.

According to the American Psychological Association, the U.S. divorce rate is between 40 – 50%.(1)  That’s a high rate of broken promises!  The statistic is merely one body of evidence that makes it easier for us to understand why we may find it difficult to believe in promises.

But it is imperative we do.

God gives promises to us that aren’t like the ones we humans give one another. God’s promises to us are unbreakable. Unshakable.

Christ is the Cornerstone that holds up strong evidence God loves us and keeps His promises. Prophecy pointed to Jesus long before His birth. Prophecy the ultimate Promise brought to life when Mary, a virgin, birthed our long-promised Messiah. God the Father spoke through the prophets of a Savior.  He kept His word and sent His Son! Nail-scarred hands strong evidence God isn’t like us. At all! God gives us proof He keeps His promises.

“God is not a man, that He should lie,

Nor a son of man, that He should repent.

Has He said, and will not do?

Or has He spoken, and will not make it good?”

─Numbers 23:19 NKJV

We are made in God’s image, not the other way around. God is not a man, that He should lie.

God is faithful. He keeps His word. Has He spoken, and will not make it good?

The HCSB version says it this way, Does He speak and not act, or promise and not fulfill?

How would you answer that question?

Do I always believe God’s promises – really?

My response? Not really. Not 100% of the time.

With God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26)

All things?

All?

Really?

But what if I don’t see a way how? Guess that puts me between a rock and a hard place.

But what if I’ve been believing that for a long, long, long time? Guess I’m pressed up against the wall there too.

Sometimes, if I am looking at my circumstances rather than keeping my eyes fixed on the Lord, I can waiver in my belief. I can worry, wonder, and let fear inhibit my actions, because I temporarily “forgot” God’s faithfulness.

It’s like I’ve acquired spiritual amnesia and misplaced every good promise God has already brought to fruition – not to mention all the amazing promises still on the horizon.

But in His faithfulness, He brings me back to His promises and reminds me afresh.

A really great place to start is in the beginning where He and I (and you too if you’ve been saved) first met.

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.─Ephesians 2:8-9 NKJV

If I agree with the idea of faith (and I do), it’s crucial I believe in God’s promises. Belief is all that is required for entry into God’s kingdom. Belief is where we all begin as Children of God. It makes sense that the very idea of belief would be warred against by the enemy. It’s foundational to our faith.

If we can believe in a virgin birth (Luke 2), if we can believe in talking donkeys used to accomplish God’s plan (Numbers 22), if we can believe Daniel didn’t get eaten by a lion (Daniel 6), we can believe God’s promises for us.

As an aside, can I say I love that God leaves these far-fetched examples in Scripture which make it all the more believable in my opinion. Because we know if you or I were writing it, we’d probably edit out all the elements that seemed a little unusual. That furnace thing (Daniel 3)? No one will believe it. Better remove it. Nope. God left all that great stuff in for us to see─really, ALL things are possible with God.

Let’s talk about three reasons it’s imperative we believe God’s promises, really.

1. Power

As believers, we access God’s power through His promises. When we pray and say God’s words, we have a powerful weapon to disarm the enemy. Even Jesus Himself used the Word to defeat Satan (Luke 4). That should definitely lead us to believe in the power of speaking promises to silence the enemy.  And of course the enemy wouldn’t want us to believe we have any power. He’d love nothing more than for us to doubt God keeps His promises. That’s why it’s crucial we believe by faith.

Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.─Luke 10:19 NKJV

 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.─Romans 15:13 NKJV

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.─2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV

 2. Position

 In addition to power, God’s promises remind us who we are in relation to Him. We are part of God’s kingdom once we state by faith our belief in Christ. Our position cannot be taken away. We are sealed as an heir.

One of the most common areas of attack is against our identity. If we doubt who we are and the position we hold in Christ, we are less likely to walk in the power and authority God gave us.

His promises remind us whose we are. When we have assurance of our position as heirs and children of God (to name just a few), we walk a little taller. And when we do, the world takes a bit more notice that something is different about us. We know who we are and are able to walk through life with confidence.

Our identity is key to achieving anything great – including walking in peace, love, and joy. God left us His promises to remind us we are His. And that changes everything.

He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:13 NKJV

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.─Romans 8:38-39 NKJV

But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name:─John 1:12 NKJV

 3. Potential

When we believe God’s promises─really, we start to believe we can do something great because of them.  The hardest, most frightening things God has ever asked me to participate in would never have happened if I hadn’t believed His promises. I am pretty well aware of my personal limitations, but I’m not in this world by myself and in my own power. Neither are you.

The more we access God’s power and the more we know our position as a child of God, the more we are able to access our God-given potential. He wants us to do great things with Him. He’s prepared them ahead of time for us.

There’s a lot this world needs, not the least of which is love.

God has given us all gifts. Depending on your current level of self-esteem, you may or may not believe you have gifts or that yours are as valuable as someone else’s.

Everyone’s gifts have merit!

God made you as His masterpiece. He has something very special planned just for you. No one else can do it. I don’t know what that is, but my prayer is that God shows you. Your contribution is far too important!

No matter what your age, it’s never too late as long as you are still alive. Age doesn’t disqualify anyone. You’re not too young, nor are you too old to be used by God. Scripture leaves us with all kinds of examples of people being used for God’s purposes from young to old—Timothy to Abraham, Mary to Elizabeth. The heart matters. Not the hours you’ve been alive on earth.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 NKJV

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. ─Ephesians 3:20-21 NKJV

But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”─Matthew 19:26 NKJV

Do you believe God’s promises─really?

Our answer to that question greatly impacts how much power, position and potential we walk in. How much power, position, and potential do you desire for your life and the lives of those you love?

You are blessed because you believed what the Lord said to you would really happen.─ Luke 1:45 ICB

I pray you receive all of God’s blessings as you believe Him and His promises, just the way He said they’d happen. In Jesus’ name, amen!

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

 

1 Marriage & divorce. (n.d.). Retrieved January 02, 2018, from http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/

Categories // Faith, Tracy Stella's Perspective Tags // 2 Timothy 1:7, Belief, Betrayal, Blessing, Children of God, Colossians 1:13, divorce, Ephesians 2:10, Ephesians 2:8-9, Ephesians 3:20-21, Faith, Heir, Identity, John 1:12, Luke 10:19, Luke 1:45, Matthew 19:26, Numbers 23:19, Position, Potential, power, Promise, Romans 15:13, Romans 8:38-39, Spiritual Gifts, Trust

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