Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

When I’m Afraid: 3 Steps to Beating Fear in Relationships

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Thanks for visiting, friend. This month’s topic has been a wonderful introspective opportunity. Tracy shared her thoughts last week HERE, Kim is up next week, and our guest, Megan, will wrap up the following week. We’ve been thinking about trusting God with our fears, and we’re pretty sure this topic relates.

Can I really trust God? On days that go smooth-as-silk, it can be easy—or I may not even ask that question at all. When my heart and mind are weakened by fear; admittedly, it’s tough.

People, personal space, and sharing my fragile self with others—it looks like very mild social anxiety, I suppose. The truth is, entering into relationships can be hard. If I’m honest, I admit to having a smidge of fear when people are different than me. Initially it was noticeable with men: they tend to be bigger, broader, imposing. I’ve suffered intense pain at the hands of a few men. That’s one reason I’m thankful for the gentler man God has given me.

“One bad apple spoils the whole bushel.”

What’s true in the fruit bowl doesn’t translate to relationships. Sometimes it’s hard to separate moments in time, the people involved, and the things that happened. I know I’ve gotten confused and lumped some people, places, and things together unconsciously.

A little knowledge is dangerous, and I’ve studied the human mind a little bit—enough to know that how we experience an event in time (especially with others) matters. When emotion floods a moment, it’s not uncommon for the mind to trap details in a way that changes future responses to similar events or people who appear similar. We can, consciously or unconsciously, generalize unkindness from a single person to a larger group: all men (or women) pay for the actions of one. Worse, all people whose skin looks a certain way or who align with a certain broadly-painted worldview face the phantoms of the past, stereotypes, or cultural caricatures portrayed in a hundred media outlets.

So, what do we do? Ultimately, we need to forget the stereotypes and caricatures, and put away the phantoms. But maybe we begin with baby steps.

I wondered what would happen if I tried to—

See, I mean really see, the person in front of me. Is this person the original source of my hurt? If not, I plan to let each individual stand or fall by his or her own choices and real actions. I don’t want others to pay for the actions of phantoms or the possible actions of cultural caricatures and old stereotypes I picked up in another time and place. I’ve been asking God to give me the insight to see which of the three views I’m holding in the moment. This is one area I’ve worked hard! I’m a work in progress, and it’s never easy, but I’ve begun to catch when generalization or transference is in play.

Be in the moment. I find it helpful to look around and ask Where am I right now? Who am I with? If this is a safe place with safe people, I want to embrace that and let down the guard and attitude I’ve maintained for too long. I can choose to be open, honest, receptive, even teachable in the moment. This step has grown in tandem with seeing, I think. When I consciously choose to see, it’s easier to be. The conversation and actions in the moment can be so important to the relationship. I’ll choose selfless authenticity in safety. The person in front of me might just do the same. Win-win!

Love. I’ll ask How can I love this person best in this moment? Loving those who are easy to love is low-hanging fruit in relationships. My challenge is stepping up to love the ones who are hard (and hard can look 100 different ways!). (Is that a challenge for you?) This is the uphill battle for me. The softer side of relationship (love) doesn’t come as naturally to me. Love is open and selfless and vulnerable a lot of the time. It’s not always received or returned. It’s not about return on investment. And love isn’t about all about me—or it’s not authentic love to begin with.

25 Just then an expert in the law stood up to test Him [Jesus], saying, “Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” 26 “What is written in the law?” He asked him. “How do you read it?” 27 He answered: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself. 28 “You’ve answered correctly,” He told him. “Do this and you will live.” 29 But wanting to justify himself, he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” Luke 10 CSB

When we look at God’s love given to us, it’s wholly different than the way we like others or offer kindness hoping to get something out of it. Jesus’ love was an all-in, holding-nothing-back kind of love!

19 We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Do the right thing! This is where faith has legs. I ask What’s the next right thing? But better yet—will I decide to lean in rather than out, listening attentively to the person I see and to the Spirit? Rather than fill the void with my own internal or external voice, will I wait for words and be still? If I don’t get to speak, will I choose that kind of stillness? Will I invest my time, energy, or resources in the way He leads? Even if it’s costly to me? Painfully so?

There is a right kind of fear…

11 Come, children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Psalm 34:11

Catch that! Fear of the Lord, friend, is what we are hoping for—not fear of anyone or anything else. I want that to be real in my life, don’t you? Being quiet and listening is the start of that beautiful life trait. Listening isn’t related to a person’s looks or worldview. It’s a choice we make because someone is human and made in the image of God.

If you’ve hung in here, thanks for walking this slice of thought life with me. I wish I could hear the thoughts whirring in your mind right now! Do you struggle with this process in a “similar but different” way? I think we all do.

While I want to be fearless, I know parts of my character are being refined every day. This is just one area of my heart I desperately want to see grow and change into beautiful, peaceful strength. I’ve learned to lean into moments of mild awkwardness and discomfort with people different than me, and with practice, I’ve seen a lot of success. I respect some of the emotional boundaries (for now), giving myself grace for each day that reveals fear or crude relational skills. I understand I got to this place by experiences with people, and I know my Jesus loves all people and has a mind to help me love like He does. I won’t settle for where I am now. (What would happen if none of us settled?)

Think about this—Who are you afraid of? Where does the fear come from? If you didn’t settle, what would you do about it?

I hope you know how much the Facets team appreciate each of you. We hope you’ll bring your thoughts and ideas into the mix each week—that’s when the conversation gets rolling.

Signature, Jennifer Howe

The Lion and the Lamb: When I’m Afraid

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Welcome to Facets of Faith where, each month, you read about a single topic from three different perspectives. This month we’re talking about how to reflect Jesus, the Lion and the Lamb, in our lives. Tracy and Jen have share already –be sure to check them out!

Emma used to roar.

My sweet, somewhat mild-mannered little girl used to open her mouth and let out this most glorious sound.

I had forgotten she did that until a recent conversation I had with my mom. We often talk about Emma, but usually we share how much we miss her, how our hearts and arms ache to hold her. Emma died twelve years ago in a fire that destroyed our home. This year I chose to honor her life on the anniversary of her death through the release of a new book, and my mom was helping resurrect memories to include in it.

My little Emma used to roar whenever she felt afraid or uncomfortable. Normally, she was sweet and mild. Sure, she had a silly side typically seen only by those who knew her best. But when she was afraid? Watch. out. It didn’t matter who you were, she would stare you down, open her mouth, and release her emotions with a heart-felt roar.

Kind of like Simba from The Lion King. There’s a scene where Simba and Nala disobey Mufasa, Simba’s father, and travel beyond their protected land. They soon find themselves chased by enemies and before long, are cornered by the hyenas as they trembled with fear. Even so, Simba mustered up some courage and, with Nala nestled behind him, Simba stood firm and roared.

The hyenas merely chuckled at his pitiful sound. Do that again, they mocked. With a deep breath, Simba roared again but this time it was mighty and strong because the King had come to their rescue.

This King’s roar was a declaration of protection by Mufasa himself, Simba’s father. His roar sent the hyenas running away with their knees knocking and bodies shaking because they knew . . . they knew King Mufasa was strong and victorious.

Oh to stand in the face of fear like that, like Simba. Like Emma.

But we can. We can because much like Simba, we have an even greater Lion who not only stands with us, protecting and watching over us, and this Lion is victorious. He is victorious because He is also the Lamb who gave himself as a peace offering, restoring our relationship with God.

But one of the twenty-four elders said to me, ‘Stop weeping! Look, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the heir to David’s throne, has won the victory. He is worthy to open the scroll and its seven seals.” Revelation 5:5, NLT

Jesus has the power to banish fear and triumph over death and sin. Jesus watches over you with his fierce protecting love. He demonstrated this fierce love as He hung on the cross, having laid down his life to take on the punishment for our sins and the sins of the world. The perfect Lamb of God. And there is nothing and no one that can snatch us away from him.

 I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand.” John 10:28-29, NLT

So how do we reflect the Lion and the Lamb?

We learn to roar like Emma. We stand firm and stare those fears and uncertainties right in the eye, knowing they are part of living in this broken world. Children die. Marriages end. Relationships wound. People disappoint.

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33, NLT

But we don’t stop there. Read the end of John 16:33 again.

We take heart. That means we keep on keeping on, we plant our lives in truth, and we live encouraged because Jesus has overcome the world.

Jesus is victorious, and if we’re to reflect the fullness of His character, we choose to live in victory as well. We reflect the Lion and the Lamb when we choose to trust Him despite our feelings, our circumstances, or knowing the outcome. I believe we reflect Him most when we walk secure in His victory knowing He is with us each step of the way.

So while we may still feel the feeling of fear, let’s choose to stare fear straight in the eye and roar, knowing the Lion and the Lamb stands with us, protecting us believing His roar is louder and more powerful than anything that might come our way.

But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?” Psalm 56:3-4, NLT

How can you choose to face your fears today to reflect the Lion and the Lamb? Join the conversation and jump over to our Facebook page or leave a comment below.

Twelve Minutes to Faith

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Faith. I don’t know where I (Kim) would be if it weren’t for my faith. Perhaps breath would no longer fill my lungs nor might my life be defined by hope. I certainly would have missed the story of redemption woven throughout the broken threads of my life. Broken threads I never thought would be made whole again, let alone woven into something so breathtakingly intricate and beautiful.

And all it took was twelve minutes. Twelve minutes plus a lifetime.

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I remember the day I pulled into my driveway and stared in shock at the sight before me.

Smoke. Pouring from my home.

I’d just returned to retrieve something I needed for work. I was only gone twelve minutes.

Twelve minutes that forever changed my life. Twelve minutes that altered the course of my life, my heart, and my faith.

And somewhere within those twelve minutes, my greatest fear became my most tragic reality as my youngest daughter took her last breath.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11, NLT

I grew up knowing Jesus. I made a decision to follow Jesus when I was eight. I began teaching Sunday School when I was fourteen, and by the time I was twenty-eight I was on staff at a church leading children’s ministry. Faith was not only a way of life, it was my life.

When I was eight, my mom and dad gave me my first Bible. As I entered high school, I graduated from the little kids bible to one specifically designed for students. Written in my mom’s beautifully scripted hand on the inside cover was a verse that guides my life.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV

Trust was crucial for me growing up. I knew I could trust my parents; they were always with me. I knew I could trust God; the Bible told me so. Maybe it was the number of moves we’d done by the time I was eight, or perhaps it was the fear that seemed to follow me everywhere I went, but somehow fear grew bigger than my ability to trust.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of failure.

Fear of loss.

I’m not exactly sure where the fear first grabbed hold but I often felt its tentacles wrap around my soul, squeezing out any sense of calm, of peace, of comfort.

My biggest fear was death. I remember standing next to my parents’ bed in the middle of the night as a young child, sobbing in fear as remnants of a nightmare slowly trickled away. A nightmare where one of my parents died and left me behind.

As years passed and I became a mom, my fear shifted from losing my parents to that of losing a child. Deep fear. Real fear. Fear that sometimes faded as I learned to trust in the One who is bigger, stronger, and more powerful but sometimes reared its ugly head.

That beautifully scripted verse often came to mind. I thought if I trusted God enough, he would make my path straight. He would keep my family safe and my life free from death and loss.

Right?

Then came that fateful day with those twelve minutes. Twelve minutes where death stormed into my life and snatched away my precious Emma. My greatest fear now became my reality.

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1, NIV

Perhaps as you’re reading your own fears are bubbling to the surface. Perhaps it’s not losing a child but losing a spouse, or feeling like you’re not enough and one day you fear someone might agree with you. Perhaps you, too, have stared death in the face through the eyes of your mom or a sibling and you silently scream, “me, too!”

Lean in here, precious one. Lean in close as I whisper this to you . . .

Faith is not about believing God enough so bad things don’t happen. Faith is believing that when those bad things happen, God is enough. He does not change. His love does not end. Neither will His grace or mercy or compassion (Ephesians 3:17-19).

Faith is believing that what Scripture says about God’s character is true, that His ways are higher than we can imagine (Isaiah 55:9), and He will do immeasurably more than we might every imagine (Ephesians 3:20). Good things. Eternity-changing things.

Faith is saying yes to God’s plan even though your heart breaks and life hurts because you believe He is working all things for good (Romans 8:28). Somehow. Someway. Faith is believing nothing separates us from God, from His love or grace or protection (Romans 8:38-39).

That’s what twelve minutes taught me about faith, faith that draws me close to my loving Father no matter what may come my way. Twelve minutes plus a lifetime of faith.

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