Reconciliation Archives – Facets of Faith

Hi friends, it’s Thanksgiving time! I (Jennifer) love that a day is marked on the American calendar to count good things, but I hope you aren’t grateful just once a year. Among many, I count my trusted friends, Tracy and Kim, as two favorite blessings. This month Tracy shared on the topic of gratitude here, Kim’s up next week, and then we’re introducing our guest, Hyacynth, the fourth week. Peek on Tuesdays to read the latest posts. Better yet—subscribe to receive e-mails, and you won’t miss a thing! You’ll be glad you did.

I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving Day and a heart full of gratitude for the goodness God has provided for you and those close to you. My list of blessings is a mile long when I intentionally look, but sometimes it’s harder than I want to admit to spot some. This month FACETS focuses on what to do when we encounter difficult people in life. A rough time in relationship with someone, glitches and hitches in what ought to be a smooth interaction, and I find my internal peace melting and running away like butter on a big, ol’ pile of mashed potatoes. Do you have a cycle of frustration with someone you want to change? I do. Do difficult people make your blessings list? *Sigh* That can be a tall order, but I want them to!

I write with the clear reminder: if I can’t find the difficult person in my life, it might be me. If everyone else in my life is difficult, I might consider that I’m the common denominator. So I’m sensitive on two levels—I examine my relationships to be the peacemaker in a difficult interaction, and I need to address my broken relational ways with someone to stop being the difficult half of the interaction. (Whoa! Stuff’s gettin’ real right there, isn’t it?)

Relational tension can be rooted in varied “personality wiring.” It’s not always natural for opposites to interact (though, I hear they attract). Consider that, but I’m thinking about something else. I’m concerned about harmful words or actions that bruise and break relationships. Depending on the damage, we may label people in strong terms: source of frustration, annoyance, adversary, or enemy.

So what do we do when we encounter a difficult person—or even more intense versions of “difficult”?

I’ve had trouble of late, so I searched the Scriptures for wisdom on this very thing. The truth is, I found something I definitely should not do and things I absolutely should. I’m thankful the Bible is clear if I look carefully.

What Not to Do…
Why is it God explicitly states the “do nots”? It’s because He cares—about us and the people we interact with. God’s heart reflects love and care. He doesn’t want pain for us, but it’s part of this broken world. If we’re willing to do what He prescribes, we can spare our hearts some hurt, and we can impact others’ lives positively. So what is His wisdom?

Don’t gloat when your enemy falls, and don’t let your heart rejoice when he stumbles, Proverbs 24:17 CSB

It’s tempting to gloat when someone who has caused us pain falls flat, but we are given specific direction. It’s never right to celebrate someone’s downfall, He says. (Think about this in multiple realms: personal, professional, political, etc.)

And then there’s the flip side.

What We Should Do…
The beauty of the Bible is the clarity on some topics. When it comes to relationships, there is wisdom and straightforward direction.

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; Proverbs 25:21

But if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Romans 12:20

The Complete Jewish Bible words it this way: “fiery coals [of shame].” I notice I’m not responsible for shaming, only the loving way needs are met. Does this display of love sit well with you? I’m thankful these words come at Thanksgiving when eating and drinking is so much a part of the day. What if the choice to share food and drink with a genuinely sensitive, loving heart could be a reality? What if forgiveness made that possible this holiday or any day?

Difficult people in life? Jesus makes it clear—

43 “You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5 [emphasis added]

This is what we should do with the difficult people and extremely difficult people. It’s how we respond to little things (the “small change” of relational stress) and the word or action that cut so deep it scarred the heart, mind, and body. In humility, love and pray. Maybe the hardest choices, they are the things that free us from self-made pain prisons (resentment and anger cause self-inflicted pain for the duration). Choose well. Make the next right choice!

I hope we all embrace the truth here. Choosing love and prayer is never wrong, but it can be hard. Like, the excruciating kind of hard!

On top of meeting needs, loving, and praying; may I suggest a perspective shift? Whether the difficult person is standing in front of you or your own brokenness is troublesome, try seeing things this way:

16 From now on, then, we do not know anyone in a purely human way. Even if we have known Christ in a purely human way, yet now we no longer know Him like that. 17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come. 18 Now everything is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed the message of reconciliation to us. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ; certain that God is appealing through us, we plead on Christ’s behalf, “Be reconciled to God.” 21 He made the One who did not know sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. 2 Corinthians 5 CSB

What if our focus were to reconcile relationships (trying our very best!) in hopes of showing one thing. If the love we received from God through Jesus made enough of an impact that we cared to extend it, would people notice? I have a sneakin’ suspicion they might.

Thanks for reading along, friend! If this post is helpful, that’s a “God thing.” Share away if you think others might be blessed. The FACETS would be thankful!

One of my growth areas has been friendship. I (Jennifer) have fond memories including my friends, and I remember my first friend, the next-door neighbor.

I experienced warm feelings associated with friend relationships first. Friendship meant waiting at the bus stop, making summer “dandelion butter,” and riding bikes on quiet streets. I eventually used “best friend” and “friends forever” in conversation and yearbooks. (The next gen shortened those to “BFF.”)

Then there were conflicts. I remember a pair of black-and-white saddle shoes bruising my shins a time or two. Sometimes there were harsh words, “Go home! I don’t want to play with you anymore,” or “I’ll never talk to you again!” The silent treatment could last hours, days, or longer. Honestly, that was the most painful—the break in friend relationship without resolution.

Friendships aren’t simple. In our transient culture they feel seasonal. The best ones are established and freely pick up where they left off at any time. A few are constant, face-to-face, and weather all kinds of storms. Some relationships are fun, and some are functional. Misunderstandings and meltdowns are givens.

Friends are often my relational teachers. My perspective on friendship has been shaped by people who have been willing to hang with me through all sorts of situations—and there have been plenty of situations!

May I share some relational gems I’ve gathered and then let you in on a little secret about a couple of my favorite friends?

Connecting
People connect in various ways: events, preferences, shared knowledge or experiences. An initial connection might look like—

“I like music.”
“So do I! I really like U2—”
“I love U2! Did you catch Bono’s 30-second drumming video? Hilarious!”

I’ve begun friendships over interests, and you have, too. It’s fun when favorite things are shared, but the diversity of my hobbies would land me in a room full of people with little connection. Some of that is expected; it can feel oddly disjointed. I’ve found deeper, beyond-acquaintance friendships have something more significant than a hobby at the center.

Sharing
A friend taught me something like “pairing the sharing” (though I lean toward adding “paring the sharing”). In the beginning, sharing might look like this—

“I’m the oldest of three. I have two brothers.”
“I don’t have any brothers, but I do have three sisters.”

Sharing is paired over the topic, siblings, and no one dominates. Compare that to—

“I have three sisters.”
“I have two brothers, and they were horrible little beasts! They tortured me every chance they got. Let me tell you about the wiffle bat incident and the blood involved…”

Awkward.

I like to try matching the conversation topic and depth (pairing) and keeping remarks brief at first (paring down details). That’s a great way to test relational waters!

Caring
Good friendship maintains “other focus.” A temptation in conversation is to fill uncomfortable silence. Have you listened with the sole intent of responding? That’s not genuine listening; it’s hearing with the goal of injecting yourself into the conversation. (This is my growth area.) A caring attitude values others (Philippians 2:3).

Care by offering your full attention. Listen well. Electronic interruptions can wait. Your “I know! That happened to me, too, when—” stories can wait. Even your best ideas and solutions can wait. Listening with your whole self can be hard, but your friend is worth it!

Daring to be Different
As many connections as we might make, remember: we are separate, distinct individuals. Common interests, preferences, or experiences should not suggest we relate in unhealthy ways. (This can be tricky!)

Any relationship has the potential to encourage in different ways, but no one gets to live rent-free in anyone’s head or pull the puppet strings in our lives. Not only is separation expected, it’s necessary!

It’s good to discover areas of difference. If we press into the differences, perspectives can be challenged, shaped, and grown. We can learn from those who are different from us, and that can be beautiful in healthy relationships.

Hanging in There
Miscommunication, mistakes, and offenses happen. When it gets tough, try not to abandon the friendship. Instead—

Pause communication (Gently indicate need for a pause.)

Breathe (Insert prayer here.)

Look for your responsibility (It’s better this way!)

Reconcile, if possible (Reconciliation is important to God!)

So what does this look like in real life? It looks like the FACETS Team. We connected in writing and faith. We began to care about each other when life stories were shared, but we committed to caring for the long haul. We recognize differences, and we’re learning to love—and leverage—them for our collective growth.

When we gather for dinner or to work together, we practice listening with our whole selves. We look and listen for clues to others’ needs (sometimes an awkward dance between personal relationship and productivity). It’s possible to inadvertently tap dance on someone’s toes, and then we lean in, rather than back away.

I love these ladies! We are committed to one another first, and we’d sacrifice a little productivity for one of our hearts. In a heartbeat! The friendships are more precious than the project, even though the project deepened the relationships.

Friendship means we are for one another and we get to write together.

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I’d love to hear your thoughts on friendship! Share them in the comments below, on the Facebook page, or on Twitter. Don’t forget to share us with a friend!