Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

How Do We Grow in Intimacy?

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Welcome to FACETS of Faith, sweet friends!  Whether you are a new friend, or someone who has been with us on this journey for quite some time, I (Tracy) pray God meets you right where you are. It’s not by mistake God has brought you to these pages. I pray you feel God’s loving, warm embrace upon you as your eyes and heart absorb what He has for you.

Depending on your perspective, this topic might stir a host of emotion. You could be enthusiastic about the idea of intimacy.

If you’ve had tragedy in this area, you could be terrified at the mere mention of the word.  Please don’t check out if that’s you.  Hang in there. Let’s see what healing and restoration God desires to bring to your life. You are BRAVE, sweet one!

Perhaps you’re somewhere in the middle, a little indifferent to the thought of intimacy.  Maybe you’re unaware there’s a snag in beliefs you have long held as truth.  Maybe what you’ve believed for a lifetime isn’t what you once thought when you turn beliefs over and see what lies beneath.

How do we grow in intimacy? (Tracy Stella)Intimacy can be beautiful. Pure, sweet, love extended to our marital partner. The counterfeit, worldly version can leave us wanting more. Because there is more when we’re rooted and grounded in Christ’s love.

Truth be told, as we tossed out the idea of writing on this topic, some of the FACETS team was more than a little apprehensive. So, if that’s how you are feeling, know that you are not alone.  There’s comfort in that thought, right?

For me personally, I embrace the idea of intimacy when it means intellectual connection, when it means experience of fun things together, but sexual intimacy stirs up a whole pot of feelings that, in some regard, my initial internal response is to run.

Life experience used to tell me men wanted one thing and my job was to give it to them.  I deeply desired someone to love me, but struggled with the idea I was even worthy of love.  The more years under my belt, the more deeply engrained those lies became. I grew to believe I was only as valuable as how I made the other person feel.   And because I allowed my misguided attempts at love to guide my decisions, sadly, it was a self-fulfilling prophesy.  Very often I attracted the wrong type of man, the one who only wanted to use me for what I could give him and then move on.

Not everyone in my life fell into that category, but many did.

This internal belief only served to create a deeper root of insecurity. I put a lot of pressure on myself to look a certain way, to do certain things – performance more than genuine, intimate connection.

If someone could have looked inside my heart, they would have seen a grieving young girl that grew into a grieving, love-starved woman.  As years progressed, I became more and more broken.  I became what I thought I was worth.

If we don’t value ourselves. No one else will either.

I also possessed a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors.  It all came down to me feeling not good enough, so I’d engage in behaviors that were sure to prove my theory true.

At some point anger set in as well.  I was mad about how I’d been treated, about the things certain people said or did. There were deep scars that served to scream at me. Unworthy! Unlovable! Not enough!

I was raped at a party and disassociated from the memory for a long time, even though I had attempted suicide because of that incident.  There’s a cumulative effect of life’s trials. All the layers of mine had added up to despair.  I was in a relationship with a “good guy”, but after the rape incident, my body and my mind couldn’t carry the weight of it all.

I sabotaged the relationship, because of the depths of depression I was sinking in.  It was suffocating, and I wouldn’t have been able to even tell you why.  Only my journals revealed the truth. Years later, when I read the words I’d written long before my eyes could handle reading them, I sighed a sigh of relief. Somehow, things began to make sense.  Not crazy. Deeply wounded and in need of God’s loving, healing hands that never hurt. His embrace always sweet. Pure. Innocent. Love.  Good intentions from the day He created you and me in our mother’s wombs.

Another journal from 3rd grade revealed inappropriate adult attention from a neighbor.  I wasn’t sure if my mind was making it up and reading too much into the words I saw in my “little girl” journal. I was able to verify through someone else who also spent a lot of time with this individual that he had done inappropriate things to us both.  As sad as that made me feel for the little girl who used to be me, I was grateful for the puzzle piece to my story.

When we’re ready for the details, they can bring clarity and relief.  These insights can’t be rushed or provoked. I believe it’s all in God’s good timing. He shows up as truth mixed with love when we have the capacity to see it, to process it without being undone because of it.

As part of my story, I had an abortion. The unknown trauma that decision caused me came to light a number of years ago (and decades after my decision) when God brought me through a healing journey. I received His forgiveness and was given the opportunity to grieve the loss of my child. I’m glad eternity is long. Time will give us the chance to get to know one another while worshipping Jesus together.

God is merciful to forgive repentant hearts from things we may think are beyond His reach.  Even more beautiful? His grace takes our worst sin and works it together for our good.  Sharing about my bad decision has helped others to make a good one. Each child’s life saved because sharing of story is a picture of God’s grace. It’s LAVISH, my friends!

Sex used to be my misguided attempt to give and receive love. I really had no concept of what genuine, sacrificial, Christ-shaped love looked like. I thought if I used my body to appeal to men they would love me.  Instead, I was so often left feeling unloved and rejected (even if the relationship were longer). I came to believe my worth and value to a man was calculated by how I made him feel.

This and probably a scroll’s worth of sin I brought into my marriage.

My life has shaped me, but it doesn’t define me.  Christ does!  For you too. Nothing you have done, nothing that has been done to you, is beyond His redemption.

His blood covers my sin and shame. In fact, He blows those things to smithereens. It’s one of the reasons I’m genuinely grateful to God for what He has done in my life.  His grace is the only reason I can write about my past without feeling condemned by it.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.─Ephesians 4:32

I have been forgiven much. I had to forgive much. God’s grace helped (and helps) me to not only extend forgiveness but receive it as well.  When you have spent a large chunk of your life feeling unworthy, Christ’s grace makes sure you believe you are.  Worthy of forgiveness. Worthy of love. Worthy of His time and undivided attention. Worthy of so much more than what we think or imagine.

He wants us to run to Him with our wounds, to rest secure in His arms.  He is Counselor. He is Physician. He is Friend.  He is our Husband. As children of God, we are His bride.

When you have a past as bumpy as the road I’ve travelled, the only way to feel worthy of the beauty and grace that is God and all He has for us is by losing ourselves in His immense love.  If you’ve never experienced the love of God, I pray you are open enough to the idea of Him to receive it. He is Beautiful. Pure. True. Untainted.

He gives us power and strength to peer into our past for the purpose of a bright, beautiful, and hopeful future.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”─Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Even if you don’t believe you are worthy, even if you don’t believe those words could be true for you, if you have only a morsel of hope and belief they are true for you, that is enough. I pray God grows your belief into the fullness of reality that you are worthy. Valuable. Priceless and treasured.

I know this is possible, because He took this once broken woman and gave me a hope for my future. My life is good, pure, sweet and true, because I’m following the One who is Good, Pure, Sweet and True.  He brings peace, and love, healing, and redemption.

He makes all things beautiful in their time.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.─Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV

Friends, we can’t fathom the goodness God desires to give us here on earth and for all eternity.

He does give us glimpses.

God gave me a new vision of love and marriage when He brought Sam into my life.  From my past and the way I used to create favor with men, God didn’t allow me to use those tactics.  He wanted Sam and I to do things differently. I’m so grateful for that!

Because Sam and I weren’t relying on physical intimacy, we created genuine intimacy. I do believe other than God, he knows me best. He knows me better than anyone else ever has.  And sometimes he even knows me better than I know myself.

Because we didn’t rely on physical intimacy, I had no choice but to use new tools (mostly a dependency on God to help me walk out a Christian relationship). I prayed God would help me. And He did. And He does.

When there have been challenges Sam and I have had to navigate, as are inevitable in life, we have a strong foundation. Our relationship is built on Christ, the solid rock on which we stand. From that vantage point, His loving hand strengthens and encourages us to continue forward in this loving one another well thing. Really. Truly. Deeply. Flawed and imperfect, but genuine and real. My mask is off. I’m me and I hope he always feels he can be Sam.  In the world we might not always be able to wear our heart on our sleeve, but I hope with one another we always will.

Merriam Webster’s definition of intimacy says intimacy is:

  1. marked by a warm friendship developing through long association
  2. suggesting informal warmth or privacy
  3. engaged in, involving, or marked by sex or sexual relations

In aggregate, these make for a brilliant, wonderful marriage. We need friendship first through long association. Friendship isn’t confused by physicality and endorphins.  Friendship says, “I see you for who you really are. I like you. I like spending time with you. It could be anything, really, as long as we are together.”

Genuine intimacy also requires warmth and privacy. In a marital bond with Christ leading and guiding, there is a genuine caring and concern. Because Christ lives in us, we possess His nature. He is love. He is trustworthy. He is safe. As husbands and wives, we need to be that for one another.  If there has been a breach in trust for any reason, seek to make restoration. Seek forgiveness or seek God to give it to your spouse. It’s not easy. But it’s possible.  Trust is built over time, through long association. Little by little, brick by brick, the house Love builds can withstand life’s storms.

While God calls me to share openly and vulnerably sometimes (to help others and to bring deeper healing to me), Sam is most often made aware of my heart long, long before I write or speak about a topic. Sam is kind. He is tender. He holds my hurts and heart gently. Over the course of our long association I have learned I can trust him. At first it felt monumental to share pieces of me and my story, like cliff diving into an unknown sea. Now it feels safe to share with Sam.  I can be in my jammies armed with a box of Kleenex, looking a hot mess and know that his heart is for me.

Honestly, the physical nature of our relationship is hardest for me. There’s much hurt and brokenness there on my part, distortion of what is pure, lovely, and true.

God created sex. Satan tainted it.  God has grown me to look at sex more through His eyes. At first it was a lot of the “thou shalt nots” being given─not from a distant, dictating God. Guidance given from a loving Father who only wants what’s best for me.

If you don’t know Him or just need reminding,

God wants what’s best for you!

For awhile, I had a hard time distancing myself from memories I didn’t want to linger.  I didn’t want reminders of those experiences determined to try to define me.  The enemy loved to torment me with those thoughts and doubts. But God brought deliverance and freedom. Years in God’s Word.  Years in the school of the Holy Spirit, being comforted by Him and reassured there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Receiving His love and healing. Helping others. These all served to set me free.

Christ gave me freedom. And when I need reminding, He gives me freedom. Sometimes he brings me to new depths of freedom, each time less to hinder me.  Growth in the soil of God’s goodness.

God helps me to experience sex as intimacy, not as an act.  Acting I was good at. Intimacy I’m growing to become good at. It doesn’t happen over night, it happens in increments.  Imagine a bucket on the beach. Little by little you fill it with sand. Eventually it is full. Eventually it overflows. Intimacy is like that.

If you have a story like mine, intimacy isn’t easy.   But it if you have a story like mine and God is in the equation, intimacy is possible.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”─Matthew 19:26 NIV

Jesus looks at you.

Jesus looks at you and says, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Lord, help each person whose eyes read this to fear not, to know that You are with them. Help them to be not dismayed. Help them to know You. Strengthen each one. Help them and uphold them with Your righteous right hand.  In Jesus’ name, amen!

“Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

─Isaiah 41:10 NKJV

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Signature Image: Tracy Stella

 

What Has God Rescued You From?

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Welcome to April with its promise of fresh spring flowers soon to follow.  I’m looking forward to seeing new blooms bud, green grass come alive, and sunshine rays to warm my skin.  You too?

I (Tracy) pray you had a beautiful Easter and are still basking in the hopeful glow of resurrection Sunday. Because Jesus died and rose from the grave defeating death and sin, we have good news to look forward to every day of our lives.

What has God rescued you from? (blue)

His resurrection rescued me and you, not just for yesterday and today, but for all time.

Heaven with Jesus sounds a whole bunch better than hell!

My grandma would have said, “The world is going to hell in a handbasket.”  According to Wikipedia, that phrase describes a situation headed for disaster inescapably or precipitately.1

Hell is a disaster. However, it IS fully escapable.

Christ died so we wouldn’t have that dreadful destination in our future.

We all sin. We all need a Savior!

Maybe you are like I used to be. Easter meant chocolate bunnies, dyeing eggs, and baskets with way too much candy.  Those things are all fine, of course, but they miss something very important. Rather, Someone. Jesus. The One who died to cover our sin. The One who died to save us. The One who loved (and loves) the world. Each and every one of us.

Periodically, as a little girl I would go to mass with my grandparents. I’d hear the adults echo the priest. “The Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us.”

I followed along, not knowing what the refrain meant.

Lamb? What’s with the lamb? And why does grandma make that little lamb cake anyhow? I was always fond of its creamy frosting and coconut shavings, not to mention its moist, melt-in-your-mouth texture. We’d gather in her sunroom.  She called it her solarium. Family tucked around the table, views of the farm on three sides, and weather permitting, a nice warm breeze through the open windows, sure to let the dust in from the over-sized U-shaped gravel drive.

Grandma cut into that cake and my taste buds danced in delight once its yummy goodness met my mouth.

At best growing up I was a Chris-Easter, and that not even every year. I went (sometimes) because that’s what people do on Christmas and Easter, even if they don’t understand why.

The little lamb cake symbolic of THE Lamb of God who took away our sin. If you haven’t dove deep into the old testament, you may not know that Jews had to sacrifice animals to atone for (a “fancy” way of saying cover) their sins.  When the Israelites sinned, they needed to sacrifice an animal. (Gross, I know!)

I go into all that because I had asked someone who went to mass most of his life what the Lamb of God meant. He didn’t know either. We can’t assume just because we hear something, even repeatedly, that we know what it means.

Sometimes people do things merely because that’s what people do. Like follow the leader, everyone does it.

But God wants us to be critical thinkers. After all, He designed us with brains. He wants us to ponder. To dig in. To learn. To grow. To grow to know Him in and through it all.

The Lamb of God is Jesus. He was sacrificed on a cross. His death covered all our sin. All!  Everything every one of us ever did (or will do).  Nothing and no one is beyond the reach of His redemption.

Yes, He saved me from hell. But He saved me from so much more than that! Hell is significant, so I don’t want to skip over it. No one wants to go there! It’s a place of torment, weeping and gnashing of teeth (Luke 13:27-29). Our worst day here on earth is microscopic in its misery compared to what hell will be like for those who do not choose to surrender their lives to Jesus.

However, it’s His love for us that so clearly spells all that out in the Bible.  He wants us to know, because He doesn’t want hell for any of us! Remember His proof? He was willing to die as proof of His love for us. (John 3:16)

He wants us safely tucked with Him as heaven descends upon earth and we spend all eternity with Him. No more sin. No more tears. Peace. Productive. A city bustling with activity. Toss any images out of your mind of floating on a cloud strumming harps. They’re just not true.  But music is allowed. Oh, there will be music!

Read the Bible. Sit down with a friend. Process what you are learning together. Again, think critically. Ask questions.  I still have some. It’s okay.  It doesn’t mean I don’t believe in Jesus. It just means some things about faith are confusing … and they require, well, faith.

Imagine me sitting tucked under a blanket in a rubbed worn chair near a pile of books stacked precariously high, coffee always close at hand, and a journal handy to jot down prayers and process my thoughts. My feet propped on the chair’s partner, matching worn footrest, because sometimes it’s good to sit awhile. Oh, and I can’t forget my little dog Enoch who gets some quality cuddle time with me as I explore God’s Word each morning, reflecting on what it says and what it means in my life.

One of the best questions I have learned to ask is this:

What is that saying, God?

I pray before I read, asking for God’s help to understand what the Bible is saying, and what He is saying to me through it.  I pray before writing these blog posts, because He knows who will read them and what each reader needs (and He knows what I need in the writing of it). Because I trust Him, I trust that process. And I trust the outcome to Him as well.

As I sat in my scruffy chair, the word stagnation came to mind as I thought about what God has saved me from.

What has God rescued me from? Stagnation!  It kept surfacing. Then, the Pool of Bethesda (although I didn’t know why).

I sensed they were related. Stagnation. Pool of Bethesda.

What are you saying God?

God’s insights and instruction are good things to ponder, of course.

Putrefy, decay, rot

Synonyms for stagnation.

God saved me from decay and rot. A graphic picture of what His goodness has delivered me from.

Stagnate means

  1. To cease to run or flow, as water, air, etc.
  2. To be or become stale or foul from standing, as a pool of water.
  3. To stop developing, growing, progressing, or advancing.
  4. To be or become sluggish and dull.2

As I mulled these ideas over, I visualized a yellow-green, slime covered body of water. Without movement and current, water grows stagnant. It loses life. And stagnation can take life too. Little by little life loses vitality if we aren’t learning and growing.

I learn so much about who God is through Scripture’s pages. I also learn much about who I am and what He has for me as I read the Bible. Through its pages I receive healing and comfort, wisdom and direction. Life. I receive fresh life each day through its pages.

Sometimes, I walk away from my quiet time knowing I was changed because of what I read in Scripture that day. Sometimes, I walk away not knowing the significance in that moment. But when the need arises, I know the truth in God’s Word. I can draw upon His thoughts that live in the core of my heart and mind, because He placed them there a little at a time while we had coffee together each morning as the sun ushered in a new day.

Thoughts like, the Pool of Bethesda.

I’d read about it before. Lots of times. But I didn’t know what God wanted to say to me and you through it now. Fresh. Alive. Anything but stagnant.

You can read the entire account of the healing at the Pool of Bethesda in John 5:1-15.  I encourage you to (even if you’ve read it many times).  I’ve shared an excerpt below.

Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie─the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”─John 5:1-6 NIV

Several things stood out to me as I read through this text. First, Jesus attended a Jewish festival.  There’s lots of debate in the commentaries as to which one, so I’ll leave that lie for today. Jewish festivals in general, though, were religious celebrations. Easter is a religious celebration. Interesting timing that God would bring this Scripture forward to use in such close proximity to our Easter celebration.

There were five covered colonnades where the disabled used to lie─the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. Think of the five colonnades as an ancient infirmary. Commentaries referred to a medical hypothesis that the five areas were used to separate patients.3 Disease has a way of spreading. Sin too.

So, we’re situated near this ancient infirmary near the pool of Bethesda where a great number of disabled people used to lie.

When I think of my story, I think of how long I lay near the pool of Bethesda desperately in need of healing, but not ever grasping for the healing God was handing out to me. Salvation. My life preserver. But it took me awhile to grasp it.

But I eventually did. I used to lie near the Pool of Bethesda.

I used to lie there.

Eventually, I wanted healing.  God helped me into the pool of His mercy. That’s what the Pool of Bethesda means, house of mercy.3 God’s mercy is not just a one-time deal. He extends it over and over to me (and you too). As I learn and grow with Him, He keeps teaching me. Stretching me. Stirring up the waters.

He asks this question: Do you want to get well?

Do you want to get well? For your soul’s sake. For your eternal destiny?

Do you want to get well? So you can be assured of who you are? Of who you are to Him?

Do you want to get well? So you can make a difference in others’ lives? Healthy people help people.

Do you want to get well? Because just like I copied my grandma not knowing why, our children and grandchildren DO follow our example.

Do you want to get well? Because you know in your heart life isn’t meant to be lived the way you’ve been living it? (Whether you know Christ or not.)

Do you want to get well? Because peace and healing has been purchased for us all by Jesus’ sacrifice.

When we don’t experience the good things of God as believers in Jesus Christ, we need to come back to Him each time and say, “Lord, help me to step into the Pool of Bethesda. I want to get well.”

“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”─John 5:7 NIV

When the waters were stirred at the Pool of Bethesda, that’s when the healing happened. If circumstances feel stirred up in your life, God wants to bring healing, comfort, and mercy to you too.

If you ever feel alone in your struggle, know that you are not. God is with you. He will help you get into the Pool of Bethesda when the waters stir. Trouble in our lives has a way of stirring us closer to Christ Jesus. Let Him extend His merciful hand to you. He’s stirring the waters of healing even now. Will you get in?

When the disabled man finally got in the pool, God healed him “at once”.

When I think of how quickly God has brought healing in my life and how far He has traveled with me, it makes my eyes water with emotion. Nothing short of a miracle how far He can bring a wounded soul. Not idle. Not strumming harps. Sometimes jumping hurdles. But a really good place. I’m grateful!

And I know He wants that for you too!

He brings us into His peaceful presence. He accepts us as we are but loves us far too much to leave us that way.

The man went away and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who made him well.─John 5:15 NIV

I pray that is our story too. That we would each share how Jesus has made us well.  It’s a process, not requiring perfection, but not settling for stagnation either. Whether we are saved six days or 60 decades, let’s not settle for stagnation.

Let’s step into the Pool of Bethesda, God’s house of mercy.  If you want, we can wade in together.

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

Signature Image: Tracy Stella

 

1 To hell in a handbasket. (2018, March 11). Retrieved April 02, 2018, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_hell_in_a_handbasket

2 Stagnate. (n.d.). Retrieved April 02, 2018, from http://www.dictionary.com/browse/stagnate?s=t

3 Jamieson, R., Fausset, A. R., & Brown, D. (1997). Commentary Critical and Explanatory on the Whole Bible. Oak Harbor, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.