Relationship Archives – Facets of Faith

What We All Need: Got a Good Friend?

08.11.2020 by Jennifer Howe //

Hey, friend, welcome to FACETS. This month we’re exploring a good question: Hey, Thelma! Who’s your Louise? If you’re struggling with “connection” to this flick because you’ve seen it, know that the Facets want to lean into some themes without getting trapped in the cultural swirl down some drain. Love it or hate it, the movie includes intriguing cultural commentary. Maybe. Anyway—if you’re looking for Tracy’s post, it’s HERE. Pop in for Megan’s thoughts next week!

I hadn’t seen Thelma and Louise. I watched it and found it jarring. If your story has threads common to mine and you haven’t watched it yet, I’d offer words of caution. It could be triggering. Still, I’m still thinking about something that struck me:

We all need a good friend to do life with!

I wrote this in 2018 (though I edited it here):

I’m in the season of…“Uncle!” Anyone else in that?
Most of us are stronger than we let on. We put our best foot forward and let the rest fade to the shadows. In a “fake it till you make it” sense, it’s better than sharing the “stuff” of life. I’ve got news for you: this culture isn’t what we were made for. We were made for something else—something much more!
Each of us fights a hundred battles. Sometimes daily. Privately. Secretly. Because it’s “easier” than being vulnerable.
None of us was made to peek out from the arrow slits in our thick, stone castle walls we carefully constructed. Doing life quietly and alone is a choice, but it means limiting the beautiful aspects of relationship: facing struggles together, tackling a challenge with a buddy, loving in the hard stuff, companionship in the sadness or failures, and the shared, ecstatic joy that goes with the high points.
Together we are amazing. People can share and care and laugh and cry together; and, no matter what, the whole thing is sweeter for the presence of other souls.
Who do you do life with? Are you looking for more people to include, or do you think you have enough friends? Maybe—just maybe—it isn’t about you.
“And that’s all I have to say about that.” ~Forrest Gump

When this popped up in Facebook memories, I sat with it. I wrote that? It’s still true. It feels perfect for life right now, too.

We all need…

Friend, this slice of life feels like “culture Sirens” calling and encouraging me to settle into isolation, intentional division, and internal chaos. In a world where a virus seems to govern who we connect or hang with and when, where faces are obscured whenever we get close, where a slew of “differences” that divide us are highlighted more than ever—isolation is an option, a respected choice, even a new normal.

We divide over so many things, more than I remember in my sheltered life. I feel like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs, unsure how to proceed in connection and conversation. Can I enter into the civil discourse I was trained to engage in? I’m not sure. Can I just be “me” in a culture that might not value the intricate beauty of individual thought, skill, and appearance?

This funny thing happens when I spend too much time alone: I get myopic and then deaf. I can’t see clearly to address my faults, and I only hear the story I’m telling myself. In isolation I live in the echo chamber of my story, my preferences and peeves, and the projects and problems in front of me. On a bad day, “projects and problems” are people, and I’m sad about that.

I cannot thrive in isolation, and neither can you. You might argue “love is all we need.”¹ Our hearts are wired to love and be loved. Or is it that God simply has to be enough? The all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present God who loves us will never come up short. Period.

And yet—God saw fit to create humanity for relationship with Him and others.

In the book of Genesis, the “not good” thing was Adam’s lack of companionship with another human. Yes, God purposefully created and established family, but somehow I don’t think it was all about sex. I mean, it was about sex, but… [Putting down the shovel so I stop digging a hole with a flushed face.]

In Acts 2 regular connection in Christian community was important. It was for their survival and to meet practical needs, but it was also for their hearts, minds, and souls! It was good and right to meet and eat together, discuss deep things, and welcome others into their lives. They rejected the idea of a “private faith” or isolation in order to preserve their lives in an oppressive culture.

Really, I have no concept how dangerous it is to publicly live a faith in Jesus in parts of the world. Seriously. I do know persecution stokes vibrancy in a follower’s faith, or it reveals a casual fan. Fans burn bright when the sun is shining. Vibrant followers are live coals—get a few together and a bonfire happens in the rain! We need each other.

God uses His Spirit and relationships to ignite or re-ignite our hearts for Him and His passions.

A good friend…

I used to pick friends like I chose music: a heap of encouragement, pleasant-sounding key, and a hint of adventure. It’s selfish and maybe self-destructive to choose my inner circle that way.

It feels easy when relationships have less resistance or none. I like me and my preferences, but I don’t need another me in my life. My friends need to be who they are, not some carbon copy of my favorite things, and there’s good reason.

When I want to know the best way to do life, I find solid wisdom in the book of Proverbs:

A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity. 17:17 ESV

Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy. 27:6

And then there’s the book of James:

You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 4:4

A real friend speaks words rooted in the truth and love of God regardless of personal preferences. Preferences out of step with God’s mind and heart are in step with the world; I don’t see any wiggle room.

I’m reminded how much I need God and His people in my life. His people know and share His truth, love, wisdom, and counsel, and that’s critical—especially if I take a few steps on the wild side that dishonors the One who lived, died, and resurrected for me.

Good friends, you know who you are—you have permission: speak truth to me when I’m cycling lies in my head or spreading them. Please!

To do life with!

When I met one friend, she was completely wide-eyed when my last name was Asian but my face wasn’t. We were in a small group that eventually ended. If we were going to be good friends, we’d have to go beyond the weekly two-hour time slot. We chose to do that. Our hearts and everyday lives are knit together.

I connected with another friend through writing. Our get-to-know-you conversations deepened. We “wrote together separately” for months. Then we collaborated. We even took our families on a vacation together! That’s one of the sweetest times I can remember. Distance is happening, but I think we’re “knit.”

A new friend and I are taking the “polar plunge” into relationship, and I love it! We talk about the stuff of life; it’s the good, the bad, and sometimes the ugly. Knit one, purl two…

This “doing life with” thing is important. You instinctively know it, but here are thoughts:

Good friends speak truth when it’s unpopular.
Ask: Is God’s truth, love, and passion strengthened by this friendship?
Good friends lean in whenever possible, sometimes when it’s inconvenient.
Ask: Can this friendship bear and share difficult times and some needs?
Good friends do mundane things together.
Ask: Can this friendship go beyond the “special” into “everyday reality”?

B-b-b-b-but distancing…

Proximity is wonderful, but it isn’t everything. Closeness in relationship has more to do with heart connection (even two-dimensionally, if necessary). I keep telling myself that because I’m not a fan of Zoom-everything. *grin* Lean in. Don’t quit. Don’t let someone or something tell you isolation is good or right. It’s not.

And one more thing, if I want this beautiful, genuine relational connection, I become both a giver and receiver of these things. A good friend to do life with might be found in surprising places, and she’s probably not every acquaintance you have. The friendship is selected and forged intentionally—maybe in the fires of disagreement.

What will you do? Maybe the friends you let in, the relationships you continually lean into, are the friends you keep. Maybe you’d choose different friends if you thought about it. What do you think? Pop a comment below or share at our Facebook page.

¹Lyrics.com, STANDS4 LLC, 2020. “All You Need Is Love Lyrics.” Accessed August 11, 2020. https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/9878509/The+Beatles.

Life: Unedited

06.09.2020 by Jennifer Howe //

Welcome to FACETS, friend. This month we’re thinking about a life infused with play, or in my case, living life unedited. You can check out Tracy’s post here. Come back the next two weeks to read posts from Megan and our guest writer, Lauren.

I (Jennifer) spend a lot of my time editing others’ work on stacks of pages and through a screen. Bible studies, books, dissertations, web content—I work on a variety of projects with people. I examine the work, scrutinizing spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I want to help each writer put the best work forward. It’s my job to be sure the words are polished and presentable.

I’ve got a red pen, and I’m not afraid to use it!

I’m an editor professionally, but it’s not lost on me—the “red pen mindset” has crept into other areas of life. I’ve been living a carefully edited life most of my 51 years. A tightly-run ship in my childhood home transitioned to self-protection after traumatic events and settled into controlling patterns wherever I had a chance. For years I heard Star Trek’s Captain Piccard say, “Make it so!” in my head. Then I did what I could to orchestrate the things (and people) according to plan. I’m sad that’s been my reality for so long.

What you don’t know…

I’m returning from one of the most emotional trips I can remember. I’m leaving Nevada after visiting my dad and his lovely wife, soaring high above a western state and winging toward Seattle to connect, hang a right, and land in Chicago.

It’s a little like the time I left Oklahoma City as a kid. I didn’t know I was closer to the last time I’d see my grandfather; I still bawled when I left. My mom’s dad was an amazing man (take a peek at this childhood memory, and you’ll know why). My grandfather and my dad were cut from different cloth, a stark contrast. I don’t recall the same intensely sweet memories with my dad.

Fast-forward to today, and my father isn’t the same man. The gaze is different—softer, maybe. A bit more distant, too. His mannerisms are the same and completely different. The jokes are the same; I know them word-for-word. The polite apologies, thankfulness for my presence, and generosity; that’s all new. I’m meeting the same man and one I’ve never known. It’s gain and loss I don’t have words for at the moment.

Makin’ memories!

I’m traveling with a sister who lives a much less edited life. Two flights out to Nevada. A “Thelma and Louise” road trip from one part of the state to the other through the desert in a 2020 black Mustang convertible, top down. Laughs, photos, and GPS in the middle of nowhere and no signal. An Area 51 trinket shop where (clearly!) trinkets had to be bought. The tiniest state capital. Several days with my dad who definitely lives an unedited life. Losing every card game. A touristy town up the mountain. A late birthday lunch at Red Lobster. Riding mountain roads my dad has driven for thirty years (and still does with skill). A crazy drive back through the desert where GPS took us into California and through the Sierras. (The driver was ‘not disappointed’ with the video game-like driving in the right car!) A drive through Red Rock Canyon. Dinner with my writer friend in Vegas. Sleeping to the airline’s on hold phone system all night. 4:30 AM. Sadness parking the ‘Stang the last time. Two flights with a 4-minute connection window when the door opened (that we made with a sprint and one minute to spare!). And on to Chicago.

Stress? Yes. Fun? Absolutely an adrenaline rush!

Thelma, Louise, and life lessons…

Beyond all we shoe-horned into a few days and travel glitches; my usual, careful patterns were challenged. A muscle car, a road trip with someone who doesn’t edit the same parts of life, and meeting a man who doesn’t edit life much at all will push comfortable boundaries. Something in me wants—or desperately needs?—order in life.

When I consider a playful, unedited life, I know there’s room to grow. There’s a huge difference between my red pen mindset and letting the Lord order my days.

Order, please!

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way… Psalm 37:23 ESV

Trusting Jesus in every situation infuses His order to life and transitions the stress of my need for order to His care. I trust the One who loves me and cares for me!

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. I Peter 5:7 NLT

He knows the road, and He’s on it!

When the road in front of me feels like switchbacks, dips, and bumps in the Sierras, everything in me wants to “Make it so!” But I trade trust for exhaustion and a measure of failure when I take charge. I never intend to walk off the narrow road. My heart wants to be with the One who knows the options, outcomes, and the beauty in divine appointments with anyone He puts in my path. My head, though! Control is about me and my comfort, and it has nothing to do with why He has me here.

A follower of Jesus loves Him with all her heart, mind, and strength; she looks for opportunity to love and serve others, and ultimately introduce them to Jesus in casual conversation and day-to-day activity. That kind of unedited life is infused with and fueled by the Holy Spirit’s truth, love, and power. I can’t muster it; it’s not a “fake it till you make it” thing. And it can be fun and joy-filled!

Trusting and following—that’s where the rubber squeals on the mountain road.

The Right Edits

There are choices (edits) to make in line with who I am in Jesus, and there is so much out there that allows for God-gifted joy and significance, and both sad and happy tears in good company. I lean a little more serious than playful, but I’m eyeing the fun road with Him and others! (Probably not in a shiny 2020 Mustang, sadly.)

Ordering my world exhausts me! I wonder how I’m going to do this fun, unedited life thing. Fear isn’t needed, so I’ll do the work to set it aside. The Bible tells me my steps are ordered, no matter how it looks. I’m reminded control is a myth, fun lies in opportunities I can say yes to, and smiling in uncomfortable moments is a choice.

If you live a carefully edited life, how’s it going for you? Can we both lean into the unedited life? We can certainly pray for each other to find joy in His ordered plans for us.

If you live the God-honoring, play-filled life, share with the rest of us. How’d you do that? Inquiring minds want to know!

If you’ve read this far, thank you for blessing and honoring me. Let’s connect at the Facebook page or the comments below!

As always, sharing is caring. Who else might consider the unedited, playful life?

Connection Can Lead to Correction

08.27.2019 by Lisa Kohut //

Hello, friend! Welcome back! If you haven’t seen the preceding posts on this month’s topic, you can catch Tracy’s here Jennifer’s here. We hope you love the topic of connection. Has it been encouraging to you, too? It’s our honor to introduce you to our friend, Lisa Kohut, this week at FACETS. She is a professional in her field, and we think you might like the wisdom nuggets she’s got for you.

L.A. Law, Law & Order, The Practice, Boston Legal, and Ally McBeal are just a few of the many TV shows about justice. Our culture’s fascination with this type of shows reveals the heart’s desire and passion for justice, which is a form of correction.

Before answering this topic’s question, I think it’s important to define the most important terms we’re talking about (correction and connection).

In Hebrew, the word musar means Fatherly correction, and correction is intended to be a form of discipline, which is very important in developing character and self-control. It’s to fix an error.

According to the Webster’s Dictionary, connection is “to become joined; it’s a link, relationship, an association, or an attachment.” Clearly, connection is about relationship in the sense of being joined to someone. We were definitely created in the image of a very relational Being—Our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and Holy Spirit—who invites us to join with Him through love.

1 John 4:18 (NIV) states “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I believe this scripture answers the question for us. If we begin to prioritize and emphasize correction before connection or rules and punishment before relationship and connection, we will be in the business of creating fear instead of love.

God is in the business of destroying or eradicating fear because it causes more sin instead of less. Holy Spirit is clearly in the business of creating bonds with us and between us, which is why we even have a bonding hormone called oxytocin. The more bonded or connected we are to God and others, the less intimidating correction and rules are.

Connection is what helps us know we don’t have to go through the correction alone. For example, I used to work in a therapeutic school with high school students who were struggling emotionally, behaviorally, or academically; and when they were rebelling or acting outside of their true identity in some way, those of us who already had relationships with them were the ones the other staff and these students would call on while they were in crisis. Relationship or love was the only thing that could reach them.

Jesus was our perfect model, and He always connected before correcting. As a matter of fact, often His connection or love was so strong the person corrected themselves and correction wasn’t needed from the outside, which is the best model.

In Luke 19, Jesus saw Zaccheus in the tree and knew he was a chief tax collector who had stolen from people and cheated them. Jesus noticed Zaccheus and told him to come down from the tree because He was going to be a guest in his home that day. Jesus didn’t correct Zaccheus; instead, He connected first by expressing His desire to spend time eating dinner with Zaccheus at his home. Jesus’ love and connection provoked Zaccheus to confess and repent, offering to give half of his wealth to the poor and to give back four times to anyone he had cheated.

Many of us have a knee jerk reaction to the mistakes of others with some form of punishment or judgment for fear that, if we don’t, they won’t learn. The true key to changing behavior is to first respond in and from love and connection in partnership with Holy Spirit. Then we watch the person’s heart change.

Whether it’s your children, co-worker, spouse, parents or friends the answer is connection before correction. It does matter! Let’s make the decision to connect first and correct last, but also trust that sometimes the connection is the correction when the connection alone causes one to avoid doing things that would cause disappointment to someone you’re in relationship with.

Finally, both connection and correction are important, but for relationship sake, let’s implement them in their right order. Let’s focus on connecting and building relationships before we move over to correction.

Our team would love to hear your thoughts. Please share below or at the Facebook Page.