Relationships Archives – Facets of Faith

Intimacy: Life in Relationship

07.09.2019 by Jennifer Howe //

Welcome to Facets, friend. This month we’re thinking about intimacy in marriage, but I think we’ve discovered truths that apply to a variety of relationships. If you’re single or single again, please don’t run away quick. Find the nuggets from the posts that work in life and apply them. Better yet, think about kicking ideas around with us in the comments. We’d all love to hear your thoughts!

Can I be honest? The topic of intimacy has appeared more than once at Facets, and I (Jennifer) practically break out in a cold sweat every time I know we’re leaning into it. Tracy and Kim gently and joyfully support me as I tip-toe into the water. I’ve shared with my closest friends why I want to balk, just not publicly because I usually feel shame. It’s time to be appropriately vulnerable. I guard the sensitive details of my story, and I keep my “dirty laundry” where it belongs. I endured several forms of relational abuse long before I met my husband, and as much as I’d love to say it’s all in the past, painful things can echo into the present. I’m some distance from writing on “love-is-a-three-letter-word” or relational vulnerability with any strength.

Can I also be candid? We need an inner circle of friends to be gut-level honest with. When inner voices try to convince us the past is a living, fire-breathing dragon overwhelming the present and future, we need strong women to speak truth: the God of the universe is the God who was, is, and is to come—the One who knows our past, present, and future. Only He can heal our heart, mind, body, and soul. He deals with the root emotions that interfere in relationships. My root emotion is often fear. By God’s grace, I’m growing in vulnerability with my inner circle.

Friend, if you struggle with a healthy view of the topic of relational intimacy at any level, know this—I see you, and now you see me. I’d do coffee with you if I could.

Now, on to a fuller definition of intimacy…

It’s vulnerable to be intimate in every context of relationship. I’m not focusing on the physical here (which I feel is the most vulnerable). Revealing my true self to another allows someone to see into the deeper parts reserved for safe people. There’s the crux of it: opening up to safe people. Not everyone proves to be safe. A choice looms—will I do life alone or in relationship? I might prefer to take on the world alone, but that’s not in relationship. Keeping the independent, survivor-thriver mindset in the space where intimacy should be kills anything that might live there. (I’ve had experience with that.)

Relationship: it takes two.
Synergy. That’s what happens when two people come together, share a common goal, and do more together than they could alone. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. That can happen in healthy relationships. A romantic path often starts at friendship and winds through dating to unity in marriage, but every healthy relationship can be synergistic.

The best parts of an intimate relationship’s early days might be like mine with Tony: long, late-night talks at Denny’s, falling asleep during phone conversations before bed, and “date nights” over dinner at home. At the friendship level frequent, long coffee conversations can be a springboard to deeper connection. It’s all about regular, appropriately vulnerable communication in relationship. Some believe the early connection “magic” is brief, and that makes sense. It’s all new and fun, and difficult conversations haven’t hit the radar. Yet.

Common threads.
The strongest threads in a relationship are the common ones. My husband and I shared many things in the beginning: life at church, forty or so junior high students in youth group, and singing on a team together. When we no longer spent time with the students, and when we no long sang together, what was left? Church life and home life. One of the most meaningful friendships in my life began with writing, parenting, and a 3-day training, but it eventually encompassed much more. All that’s necessary for a relationship to go deeper is regular, safe communication. I learned it didn’t require large chunks of time, just intentionality.

Close relationships begin over common threads, but one thing stands out to me: connections that focus on an activity may come and go; those that focus on the person and regular, safe connection flex with age, stage of life, and skill set.

Responsibility is shared.
“Sin-ergy” is my made-up word. I used to say wicked-quick and matter-of-factly, “Marriage is double the sin in half the space.” In the worst moments, I’d tag with, “Quit sinning in my space.” (Not proud of that.) The reality is, two people in relationship likely make mistakes or act in ways contrary to God’s design (sin), and it may or may not be intentional. Challenges are givens.

When things go sideways in relationship, responsibility to repair is shared. Truthfully, when I feel like the problem isn’t my fault, I can find it easier to consider chess moves and word weapons, stew over the situation, or walk away and wait for someone to say something. That’s shirking my part, and I want to fight the urge to be self-centered in those ways.

Friend, if we are reconciled to God through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, let’s bring God’s reconciliation into every human relationship. (See 2 Corinthians 5.) Be reconciled to God, your spouse, and others.

Fight for—not with.
The best wisdom I’ve heard sort of culminates in those four words. When drift happens, and it will, there’s a response. It’s not uncommon for big emotions to take center stage.

“I didn’t get married for this.”
“The busyness is killing me. Do you know how lonely I am?”
“The children…”
“I never see you anymore.”

When big emotions gain momentum in my life, there’s a word that pops up: I. When I choose to fight for me, that’s not intimacy. It’s divisive and polarizing; I’m fighting with another. When I choose to come alongside and engage for the relationship and the other person, that’s connecting and fighting for another.

‘For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.’ Deuteronomy 20:4

God does that for us, and we should do it for the people in our lives. Go with. Fight for. Defeat enemies together. Share the victory.

You & me and God makes three.
I can’t “fake it till I make it” in relationship. (I’ve tried.) An appropriately vulnerable, intimate relationship between two flawed people has challenges. I’m certain God’s beautiful design for vulnerability and intimacy in relationship requires His presence. The Designer offers a blueprint to relationship which we can follow by reading what the Bible has to say about relationship to Him and the people in our lives. Every relationship can be a cord of three, in my mind.

We might think about these things as we hope to grow in relational intimacy:

Come out of hiding to connect authentically with another.
Find an inner circle to be gut-level honest with.
Leverage common threads, but focus on the other person beyond any activities.
Fight for one another through healthy connection and reconciliation.
Remember God’s design can guide and heal every relationship (especially spousal).

Thanks for reading. I just want you to know how precious it is to reach you through Facets. It’s an honor to share! Will you share your heart with us? Pop a comment below or at our Facebook Page. Know someone who would love to read Facets? Share away!

Who Do You Love? Me, Myself, and Mine?

02.13.2018 by Jennifer Howe //

Hello, friends! Welcome back to FACETS this week. I (Jennifer) hope you enjoy following along with February’s topic: Who Do You Love? It’s been a bittersweet journey for me, as you’ll see, but don’t miss Tracy’s thoughts here or Kim’s next week. This promises to be a thought-provoking topic, but share your thoughts on that, and we’ll know for sure.

I have a confession. I asked myself, “Who do you love, Jen?” The answer wasn’t pretty. An honest response to that question required examination of my words, emotions, efforts, time, and talent. The soul-searching led me down a road I wasn’t sure I wanted to take, but it was worth every step. Take a peek. You might find your own brand of “brave” to take a few steps.

For people will be lovers of self… 2 Timothy 3:2a

Once upon a time I perceived my life and heart all wrong. I’m a wife, mom, teacher, friend, daughter, sister, and aunt. (Those are the roles I think of in a few seconds.) In a sense we’re defined by our relationships, aren’t we? Each relationship has its unique inner workings, expectations, and give and take. When I looked at my close relationships, I saw the “give and take” in each one, but zeroed in on the big, ol’ GIVE for some reason. I was ashamed when I realized why.

Sadly, I mistook something ugly for selflessness and sacrifice. Sacrificial love and giving in relationship has a grotesque caricature, and it looks like my own face, but green with envy, a pouty lip nearly hiding my chin, with a “martyr complex-ion.” Know what I mean? *Sigh* Who wants to own that truth? No one I know.

The first steps on this road were difficult. The truth can hurt.

How do I know I loved myself? Others weren’t excluded from my thoughts by any means. It was in those relationships that I saw the self-love playing out. My words could be focused on me, my life, and my needs. My emotions could be bigger than they should when I was on the wrong side of a conversation or situation. My efforts could be laser-focused on my interests, projects, or in my defense. My time could be used to serve my own needs, and self-care could be the thing I fought for daily. Sadly, my talents seemed to be working as a conduit for personal goals.

I notice that when I am hyper-focused on me and my life, I’m left to evaluate all of it by others’ lives. It’s ridiculously easy to fall in love with the best of what I see and hope to have. Beautiful inspiration starts as “Someday I’ll…” but translates to “I want it now-w-w-w-w-w!” Envy and selfishness distort everything, except motive and means.

I don’t think selfishness was in everything when I looked closely, but my face was at risk. I could take on the envy and selfishness, that ugly caricature, like Dorian Gray. My heart and mind could become more and more preoccupied with me. Or I could choose something else…

It didn’t take long to find what God says about the problem I might face everyday.

For where envy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every kind of evil. James 3:16

I see two challenges for me there. The first is in placing myself at the top of my priorities list. The second is using others as a measuring stick for life. There’s a breeding ground for “every kind of evil.” If I love me first, I have to assume that I “hate” others in comparison. (That includes God and everybody, really.) Ouch! I can speak from experience. Envy and selfishness do nothing for relationships; they ruin everything faster than you can say, “Me, myself, and mine!”

Then I landed on something I couldn’t ignore. Galatians 5 contained a long list of “works of the flesh” which were “obvious” (vv. 19-21). You only get one guess. What do you think was included in that list? Yup, envy and selfishness.

Two things I want to remember about that passage:

• “Works of the flesh” are the things (efforts) dead set against God.
• People who indulge in the list “will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

Does that mean if I know Jesus and His peace, I can be disqualified from the promise of love made at the cross? No, the covenant promise isn’t fragile or fickle. If I intend to continue to indulge life patterns described by that list, there is something insidious at work. Ultimately, I love me, my survival, and my preferences more than I love the One who died to free me from my life of sin.

And that’s when I heard my own voice in my head: Now, there’s you’re problem!

I dropped the next question on the doorstep of the One who could handle it: God, I can be so selfish! What am I gonna do?

If you read my post last month (on God’s promises), you know who we can count on: Jesus and Holy Spirit. The deepest part of my soul found comfort in the verses that followed the “list.”

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, we must also follow the Spirit. We must not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. Galatians 5:22-26

Do you see what I see there? An antidote to envy and selfishness leaps off the page. I see love and various displays of love following. In my mind, there is love, and the rest follows. (Some translations punctuate that way.) Because Jesus sacrificed so much to be in relationship with me, I live lovingly toward others out of His love for me. And I do that because I can? No, I do it because the Holy Spirit is in me to make it possible. I say “Yes!” to Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and I say “No!” to envy and selfishness.

That’s the “intellectual ground” covered, but that is not how faith works. Faith knows God’s way, aware it’s impossible to do alone, and takes steps with Him. For me, that looks a like praying for new desires more like His and the strength to choose them. And it looks like seeing other people and loving them well. (I struggle in my busyness or obliviousness every day.) Sure, I’ll take care of my own self appropriately, but I hope to stop placing myself higher in the priority list than I ought.

It’s going to be a bit of a fight. As I said, I can be selfish.

Do you share this struggle? Where might you begin your journey toward selflessness? If you walk the road I’ve traveled—I won’t lie—it might be hard, but you may find beauty in the destination, too.

Difficult People: Turkeys in Disguise

11.28.2017 by Hyacynth Worth //

Hi, friends! I (Jennifer) have the privilege of introducing you to my good friend, Hyacynth Worth. You should know that her heart is precious to me. She blesses me with wisdom and her friendship. If you want to know more about her and her beautiful family, please visit her blog HERE. She is a wealth of relational and parenting wisdom (especially for adoptive families)! I hope you enjoy her thoughts this week.

What do you do when you have a giant turkey in your life?

If it gobbles like a turkey, struts like a turkey, and acts like a turkey—chances are it’s a turkey.

I asked my ten year old son, who hunts turkeys, if that’s true. He looked at me like I was having a moment and said, “Well, yeah. Pretty much, Mom.”

I think we have a tendency to feel this way about our relationships, too; we understand the obvious turkeys in our lives, as they tend to be the birds who cause us to inwardly cringe at their outward displays of foolishness.

Note: if you feel like you need some extra turkey identification work in the area of relationships {not the field}, the book of Proverbs details the actions of the obvious turkeys in our lives. They are the people who don’t know what they don’t know, and you can tell by the way they gobble— errrr—talk and walk in ways of obvious foolishness.

“Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.” Proverbs 12:15 NLT

“The wise don’t make a show of their knowledge, but fools broadcast their foolishness.” Proverbs 12:23

But what about when it doesn’t talk or walk like a turkey because it has all the right words and so many of the right moves of a bird of another feather … and yet we’re still left with the keen sense that what we’re staring at what has got to be a turkey disguised as a well-adjusted bird because dude’s acting like a fool in some specific area or areas of life and doesn’t even seem to know it?

That’s where relationships get even trickier — when we’re trying to love well and interact well with the not-so-easily identifiable turkeys in our lives and wondering why the interactions don’t seem to be going so well.

The turkeys disguised as a well-adjusted bird with all the right moves and all the right words but mismatching lives are the ones who say the right things and seem to have a pretty stately walk, yet act in ways that would point to the contrary. I’ve heard them referred to as biblical fools. Mostly, though, when I think of these kinds of turkeys, I think of the Pharisees with whom Jesus had so many words about their hard hearts.

The Pharisees.

The most learned men of their time with a deep understanding of the scriptures and the most knowledge of God.

Men who opposed the healing of suffering people because no work was to be done on the rest day.

Men ready to cast stones on a woman caught in adultery as though they had no sin of their own.

Men who valued the rules over the restoration of relationships.

Men whose hearts are often a lot like my own.

It’s tempting to look at the pharisees and under our breaths think, “Idiots. Of course, relationship and restoration of relationship is more important than the rules.”

But these men likely knew full well the stories of their ancestors who did things like step out to brace the falling ark of the covenant and then were immediately killed for violating the law of God concerning the transportation of the ark.

These are the men who play by the book because the Book was what they knew.

They didn’t understand the depth of relationship God seeks with us; neither did their previous generations, which is why the nation of Israel needed prophet after prophet to speak God’s truth and then eventually Jesus to come and show them God’s heart.

They are a bunch of turkeys in disguise. And as believers in Jesus, haven’t each of us been, too?

If we’re each committing to honesty, I think we can all say we’ve all been turkeys in disguise.

Have you ever caught yourself reacting to a circumstance in a way that completely confuses you? For me, it’s when I’m counseling one of my kids in a direction of life and then I find myself struggling to take my own advice.

At one point during his ministry Jesus says that we ought to be more aware of the planks in our own eyes than the specks in our brothers’ and sisters’ eyes. In my house, we call this, “you do you.” Meaning, if you see a speck in your brother’s eye, first check your own to make sure you don’t have a huge log blocking your vision.

Why? Because none of us can change another person’s heart through lectures or force or punishment or shaming. Our hearts are truly changed toward God’s heart of love only in response to one thing: unconditional love that’s full of truth and grace.

Jesus remarks that the most important of all the law and commandments is to love:

“One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question: “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”

Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:25-40

That second equally important commandment is often misunderstood, so let’s break it down: we are to love our neighbors as we love our selves — as in we are to love them as an extension of our own bodies.

So … how do we want to be treated when we are (knowingly or unknowingly) stuck strutting around like giant turkeys?

We see it in Jesus’ response to the woman caught in an act of adultery (John 8):

“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”

They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”

It’s as if Jesus is saying, we don’t beat down others, we build them up. We call them to a higher living, a higher purpose, a higher way of living more in harmony with how God created us.

So what do we do with a giant turkey in our life?

We resist the urge to roast them and instead tread with them in equal parts truth and grace, much in the way Jesus shows us time and time again. Let’s pick up with Jesus and the woman the crowd wanted to stone after he boldly welcomes he who was without sin to throw the first one.

“Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”