Facets of Faith

Conversations about life, faith, and friendship.

How Is God Helping You to Bloom in Your Marriage?

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This month at Facets of Faith we touch upon an area near and dear to my heart─marriage. I (Tracy) know that word hits us all a bit differently. Some may wince from pain etched deep, too many hurts and not enough fingers to keep track of the sorrow from two broken people who don’t quite know how to love one another well.

Sadly, that’s the story of my first marriage. It halted. Like a sun-scorched river, love dried up. I dried up. Eyes of grace (now) see he did too.

No one sets sail for divorce. Sometimes a shipwreck occurs, and divorce’s devastation takes place. Crashed and battered against rock hard as granite, hearts closed off to hope, sinking in despair faster than an anchor tossed overboard. I’ve been there. Without Christ, there’s little hope for a marriage in jeopardy. I didn’t know that then. I appreciate it now. I hold tight to my Anchor, the One that is the Anchor for my soul. (Hebrews 6:19)

My God didn’t leave me shipwrecked, cast upon the shore like a fractured shell worth little value because of her imperfections. The rough edges, He’d soften. Over time. Like grains of sand, sometimes it felt abrasive, because smoothing out the rough edges often is painful. But with God there is purpose in the pain. God’s healing hands hold us close and restore us, making us new.

The fractured places where His hand fuses us back together become stronger, even as they have the potential to make us more beautiful.

Scars healed help us see our Savior as Healer, Lover of our soul (for He is).

Scars healed help us see others through eyes softer. Less judgment, more compassion.

Scars healed help us see ourselves differently, flawed yet somehow more real and relatable, because we’re not the only ones tired of pretending. Many crave authenticity.

My life is good, but it is not perfect. There is not always a cherry on top. I’m grateful it doesn’t always have to be cherry on top perfection to feel real and good.

I used to think that cherry had to be placed just so and, if not, my world might crumble. The problem with that “theology” is it often does.

I got divorced, and I almost nearly died. I thought I’d shrivel and not ever see past the hurt and pain of that loss, even as I pretended I didn’t need to grieve. Grieve? Why? I’m okay, my common refrain back then. Only I wasn’t. I melted faster than ice cream on a warm July day. I contemplated taking my life, because I didn’t see hope for a new one. I’m so grateful God reached in and gave me a reason to live. Him!

Christ Jesus sets a heart held captive free, and brings more and more freedom each day as we walk with Him. Little by little, or sometimes big by big, He makes us new.

As God does that in my life through the heart and hands of my second husband, Sam, He shows me I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. I’m grateful for that gift. God uses Sam to help me be vulnerable and most myself (other than the times spent with Christ).

There’s something very powerful being loved for who you really are, kind and loving sometimes, but not always. Brave and courageous or weak and trembling, either way whichever wife he has that day, Sam has loved me well. He’s not perfect, nor am I. But somehow God uses two broken people to strengthen one another, to hear each other’s hearts holding them gently. Hearts are tender and can easily be broken. I appreciate Sam’s soft touch to the softer parts of me that feel emotionally naked as I seek his council when I need a wise second opinion.

I think of where we started. Me, too afraid to even utter the word marriage. The “M” word all I could muster. Now, I think of marriage and I smile, grateful to God for the gift He gave me in Sam. If you know him, you know how sweet and kind he is. Had I been stubborn or too afraid to step out, I would have missed a gift from God.

He seeks to understand me, Sam does. He said he studies me. I’m glad for that, because he sometimes helps me gently see things in me or about me that I don’t have enough perspective on. I know me too well. I’m too familiar with me. I need a trusted outside perspective. How do you see this situation, Sam? What insight do you have? Trust. Something I didn’t think I’d ever do again.

If that’s where you are sitting, I want you to know it IS possible to trust again. I started by learning to trust Jesus.  He showed me how to begin to trust others. He showed me how to trust myself again. Slowly.

“Our bravest moments come from trusting, from falling into the plans of God. When we do, bravery becomes less about courage and more about faith.”₁

If you are in a marriage that’s being tossed against the rocks, don’t give up. Divorce is NOT the easy option. As grateful as I am for God’s second chances, it would be very remiss of me to not give this council. I wish someone would have said it to me. Seek God and let Him be the Savior of your marriage. Nothing and no one is beyond His healing hand. Pray for yourself. Pray for your husband. And pray for unity in your marriage. Saving your marriage won’t be easy, but it is possible.

It all starts with the Love of Jesus, for without that, life is futile and full of the illusion of love. Only the Author of Love can properly lead us down love’s river without leading us astray. Jesus helps us avoid unnecessary white waters that would like to pull us under.

Fortunately, God rescued me. And He rescues me time and time again. Often, through the hands of a husband who learned how to love me well, because He allowed God to show him how. Sam would admit to you he didn’t know how to love. At 40 years of age, he’d never been married. What I love about my husband’s heart is he asked God to show him how to love me well. Lucky for me, God answers a prayer like that!

I often have referred to Sam as my Boaz, I his Ruth.  I met him when I was incredibly vulnerable. Many men would have taken advantage of that. Some did. Not so Sam. He showed me something different. A man of character who treated me like a woman should be treated, with dignity and respect. I remember being nervous, not knowing how to act in this foreign field of Christian relationship. How does this work anyhow?

God showed us how.

Through my marriage God has brought me from being a wildflower to a lillie, growing more and more pure each passing year. Mind you, there’s much more purity to be had by yours truly. But God has brought Sam and I quite a distance from where we first started.

My Boaz who didn’t take advantage when so many others had, helped me to regain my self-esteem. Through Sam’s love, I saw the Father’s Love. Still do. The idea of intimacy restored, restored back to God’s intention. Holy. Beautiful. Possible even when it doesn’t make sense based on a person’s track record.

Sam and I recently celebrated our six year wedding anniversary. I can’t quite believe it. Feels just like yesterday. No, it’s not 25 or 30, but it’s something significant from a gal who wasn’t willing to consider walking down the aisle again.

Perhaps even more astounding is what God has done in a relatively short amount of time. He has helped me to bloom because of Sam. I would not be the woman I am (and the woman I am becoming) without him.

A man, in fact, should not cover his head because he is God’s image and glory, but woman is man’s glory.─1 Corinthians 11:7 HCSB

As my husband, Sam partakes in any good God brings forth. I am a reflection of him and his love for me. I’ve experienced God’s love through Sam, and because of that expression of love, God’s glory is revealed. Love is always a reflection of Christ. Not the stuff of Hollywood, but the stuff of life, real life, the hard stuff as well as the good stuff. The stuff of tears when I need comfort and I find a safe shoulder to rest my head upon. The safe harbor helps me to bloom.

I hold my head higher, because I’ve experienced honorable love. Dignity restored, because that was the Father’s design all along.

The best anniversary gift I’ve received so far was fruit of Sam’s love standing right by my side at church: three young women rescued from sex trafficking whom I now get to help. Had my husband not loved me well, I wouldn’t have bloomed. Unimaginably, God wouldn’t be able to use me to help three other tender hearts learn how to receive love, and sometime in each of their futures, to love others well. To trust again. Someday. That is my prayer for each precious one.

I can talk with them about how hard it is to trust. I get it. It’s hard; it can feel impossible. I can also talk with these precious women about hope of love, intimacy, and restoration beyond their wildest dreams. Three beautiful buds waiting to bloom, but starting to open up, stood to my left, my husband to my right. Me sandwiched between trying hard to hold back tears on Mother’s Day as I thought, Lord, how on earth did I get here? Thank you! Not in a million years would I have guessed this one!

Later, in the car, I got to tell my husband how much I appreciate him. God put it on my heart to give him an anniversary present of honor. You see, Sam is not only my Boaz, he is also a man of mighty valor. He’s brave. After all, he took on me (and oh did that take courage back in the day!).

None of the ministry God has given me would have been possible without you, Sam. None of it. Because you loved me so well, I am now able to love others well. Thank you! Because of our story, I can give them hope that they will have genuine intimacy, the love we’re all after. Every woman helped, you have helped. This is your ministry too!

And it is.

Epilogue:  Thank you for helping me to bloom, Sam! One day you will receive many rewards for the things you’ve done in secret to honor and love me well. Until then, I pray you receive rich rewards here on earth as well. I know when you get to heaven one day (hopefully far, far into our future) Jesus is going to hold you in His arms and tell you “Well done, my good and faithful servant. You did good. Very, very good, My son. I am proud of you. You were a good steward of your wife and an excellent model for other men to follow. Well done, My son. Well done.”

If you are married, how can you allow your husband to help you bloom? How can you honor him?

If you’ve never read the book of Ruth in the Bible, I encourage you to do so. It’s a beautiful love story that points to Christ’s love for us, His bride.

Join the conversation here or on our Facebook page.

₁Lyons, Rebekah. You are Free. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017.

Do I Want A Do Over?

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This month Facets of Faith would like to introduce you to our guest writer Dawn Stewart. Dawn has a passion for Jesus that drives her obedience to following His call. She is one of the founding members of a ministry, Beautifully Broken, whose mission it is to equip and empower women to walk in the freedom of their true identity in Christ and to minister this freedom to their homes, churches, and communities. Join us in welcoming our guest Dawn.

As the Christmas season was underway, I found myself thinking about gifts.  What makes something a gift?  Well, for starters, a gift comes to us from an outside source, is given by the giver freely – something we don’t have to earn.  We do not need to be deserving of or qualified for it.  A gift comes to us because the giver desires to give it.  It comes without our asking for it, at any time, and for any reason.

Our part is to receive, show appreciation, and gratitude for the gift.  As a recipient, we get to make the choice what we will do with it.  Sometimes gifts get used immediately, sometimes they get set aside and forgotten about, and sometimes they get returned or exchanged for something better.  It’s entirely up to us.

Are you aware that one of the most precious gifts you or I will ever be given in this life is the gift of time?  It is more precious than the most rare jewel, worth more than the most priceless artifact.  It is something that we could never earn, don’t deserve, and aren’t qualified for.  It is a gift freely given to us by the ultimate Giver – the Lord Himself.  And only He knows how much of it we have.  Only He knows the plans He has for our lives.  (Jeremiah 29)

Our job as the recipient of the gift of time is to use it well.  To live in a way that gives honor and glory to God.  Our role is to make choices with the time we are given that we won’t regret later.  The way we spend our time means a great deal to our Heavenly Father. We see this throughout His Word. In Ecclesiastes 3 we are told that there is a time for everything.  In Psalm 90 we are reminded to number our days.  In James 4 we are reminded that we do not know how long our time on this earth will be, or what tomorrow will bring.  In Ephesians 5, Paul exhorts us to make the most of our days.  These are just a few of the messages in God’s Word about our time here on earth. The Bible has so much to say on using the gift of our time wisely!

But what happens if we make choices with our time, which feel more like a waste of our gift than a productive use of it?  What if we, like the Israelites, waste precious time wandering and complaining in the wilderness when we could have just gone straight to the Promised Land?  Do we get a do over?  Do we get another chance at this life to make the right choices?  Are we able to start over and create a new path for ourselves?  Do we have the power to turn back time?  No!  Not even a second of our time will be refunded to us.  We can’t exchange it, and we will never get back the moments we have squandered.

So, are we without hope?  Are we doomed to live a life fueled by regret, remorse, and guilt for the way we chose to spend our days?  Is it possible to get back the wasted hours, days, months, or years?

We serve a pretty incredible God.  You see I was one of those people who chose to squander away precious years of my life, living in a constant state of discontentment.  I wasted so much time seeking purpose, pleasure, fulfillment, comfort and happiness – that I missed out on the real deal.  I made so many wrong choices that led me down so many dark paths, that by the time I was 33 years old – I felt hopeless and stuck.  I honestly believed that the sole purpose for my existence was to trudge through my days until I died.  I had no idea of the abundant life that God had created me to live.

I was 35 years old when I surrendered my life to Christ, on the heels of discovering that I was alcoholic. Surrender happened after I recognized the depths of dysfunction that resulted from my choice to have an abortion at the age of 22.  True submission to God came as I walked the road of divorce, and dealt with the shame and stigma of bulimia. Surrender came from a place of true desperation. Submitting myself to the grace, love, mercy, and forgiveness of Jesus happened as a direct result of coming face to face with my life choices. Facing up to the consequences of my actions hurt – a great deal.  Walking through the pain instead of trying to escape, avoid, or numb it was difficult even on the best days (and still can be).  For a while, I longed for a do over.

But God doesn’t just give us a do over. He does better than that! He actually restores and redeems our life!  He takes the time we wasted and replaces it with new life when we come to Him!  He gives us the gift of becoming a whole new creation as we submit ourselves to Him.  His Word tells us that He actually gives us a new spirit and a new heart (Ezekiel 26:36). He restores the “years the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2:25) and puts us in a spacious place (Psalm 18) where we can learn how to live the abundant life He has called us to live.

So, do I need a do over?  Do I even want a do over anymore? Not for a second.  In the words of Paul, I focus on what lies ahead (Philippians 3:13) and not on what has already happened.  God, in His great mercy, continues to restore the painful moments of my life by working them all out for good (Romans 8).  He has used every one of my wrong decisions to minister to others and to bring Him glory in the process.  It seems impossible when you look at it from a human perspective – that a woman like me could be loved and used by a God like Him.  That is one of the things that makes our God so ridiculously amazing – He died for us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8).  He didn’t wait for me to clean my act up before forgiving me.  He actually died to forgive me before I even graced this earth – it was just up to me to receive that beautiful gift of forgiveness and choose to live the rest of my days on this earth for His glory rather than the pursuit of my own happiness.

Nope.  No do over for this girl.  If I had the chance to go back to the moments when I made all those poor choices, I wouldn’t try to change them.  Because every one of those choices was a piece of the puzzle that landed me exactly where I am today.  And there is not one single part of my life today that I would exchange – not for all the riches in the world!  Praise be to the Lord!