Vulnerability Archives – Page 2 of 3

Expect the Unexpected

12.05.2019 by Tracy Stella //

Welcome to FACETS of Faith, friends! Snuggle up under a cozy blanket and see what God has for you in this season. We pray each week you visit these pages God meets you and speaks to your heart fresh, alive, with challenge and encouragement. We pray He gifts you with nuggets of His love and guidance regardless of which one of us He has given a message to. Check back next week to see what Jennifer writes and stay tuned for a special announcement from the team! (It feels appropriate considering our topic.)

Life isn’t always what we thought it would be. Sometimes that’s good. Sometimes it isn’t.

There have been moments in my own life where I wondered, “How did I get here?” The times when my life was in a ditch. The times when my life was exhilarating and full of hope and joy.

Both are curious. But if one thing is true, we can expect unexpected moments. None of us knows what lies ahead.

Granted, there are some truths we can cling to as believers. If we have accepted Christ, we know where we ultimately will abide for all eternity. There is absolutely comfort in that truth. Death was defeated thousands of years ago by the sacrifice Jesus paid on the cross.

He has saved us and called us to a holy life─not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.─1 Timothy 1:9-10 NIV (emphasis mine)

Some things we can bank on. God’s destruction of death is one of them.

It’s also a sad truth that if one doesn’t come to choose Christ, he or she will eternally reside in hell.

God’s grace and mercy will keep reaching for the children He so desperately loves. But He gives us free will to choose. We can choose life, or we can choose death. Ultimately, we decide our fate.

Beyond those two truths that feel extreme─I suppose because they are–one rich and full of experience with Christ, the other sad and full of despair. I can’t imagine hell for anyone, least of all for those I love.

I pray each one chooses to know Christ and can expect to live with Him for all eternity. I join you in praying that very thing for those you love and care for too. In Jesus’ name.

But what about when we are here on earth? There are a whole lot of unexpected moments while we are still here.

Would we really want it any other way? Do we want to know moment to moment what God is up to? Or do we want some anticipation, some excitement at the unknown He is bringing us to and through us? (Remind me to tell you how disappointed I was the year I secretly unwrapped all my Christmas gifts and then pretended to be surprised. Yeah, I was on Santa’s naughty list that year for sure! And my peeking took away from the wonder of Christmas.)

If we weren’t built for anticipation, why would we even bother wrapping gifts and setting them under the tree? We could just tell people, “Here’s what you’re getting.”

Where’s the wonder in that?

What would life be like if we looked at every unexpected moment as a present wrapped with Love in Love for the purpose of wonder?

Expect the Unexpected – A Present Wrapped with Love in Love for the Purpose of Wonder

What if unexpected moments were the very thing to bring us to our knees and come to know our God? That was the case for me and for many of you too, I’m sure. Had those moments not happened, I wouldn’t know the immeasurable love of a Father who loved me before I was even born.

He has plans for me and you that we can’t fathom. Part of His plan absolutely is to save us to Him, to His heart for us that exudes generosity. It’s the most beautiful, unexpected, and undeserved gift we could receive. But isn’t that the beauty of a gift when it is given generously? It’s an unexpected, sometimes overwhelming surprise at the goodness of it. We could never be good enough to earn it, but because God loves us THAT MUCH, He reaches for us in our most unexpected dark moments of despair.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.─Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV

We are called to be curious and adventurous to know what those thoughts and plans are! For someone like me, I love being granted permission to be curious and adventurous. Stepping into the unexpected, opens a great big adventurous world for us to experience.

As we grow to really know His love, He will leave us in wonder and give us courage to be bold. Those who question His love haven’t experienced it. While we might not understand it when we do, experience of His love changes us forever. We wonder how we ever did life without knowing this love. It’s there. Right there. For each of us.

If you hear His whisper, let Him in. That goes for all of us, whether we know Him or not. If we know Him, let Him into your heart further. If you don’t know Him, give Him a chance. I can promise you this: If you go to Him with a pure heart, He will meet you right where you are. It’s okay to be curious. It’s okay to have questions and doubts. God can handle those. He knows faith is hard, because it requires trust. And until we know Him and have experience of Him, that can be hard, especially if someone has violated our trust. God is not like us. We are made in His image, not the other way around. Borrow His courage. Borrow His strength. He’ll give them, and many other unexpected gifts that help us get through our darkest hour.

Expect the Unexpected – A Present No One Wants and Then What?

This morning I’d been reflecting on some tragic news I heard. The situation seems unimaginable. It was an unexpected event no one could have anticipated, even in their best efforts to do the right thing, to serve others in love, when up out of the abyss this terrible thing happened. I wept for them. It’s that horrible. My spirit grieved for them.

These are the moments when people who don’t walk with God question why He allows bad things if He is good.

Not every event is from God. We do have an enemy. The enemy is not good. He doesn’t have good intentions. He would love nothing more than to destroy every good intention, every beautiful mission from God. The enemy would love to silence us. However, God says, “Sing through a storm, lovely one.” Praise is one powerful weapon!

We need to remind satan he has been defeated. And as horrible as this tragedy is, any unimaginable tragedy, God has given us a very powerful gift. Several come to mind, actually.

We have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16). We can choose to believe what His word says to us. We have free will. We have the ability to make a conscious choice to know and believe and trust in God’s goodness.

For those of us who have been walking with God for awhile and these unexpected moments happen, the kind we’d like to run fast and far from, remember God’s faithfulness. Remember every good and perfect gift God has ever given you.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change life shifting shadows.─James 1:17 NIV

God doesn’t change. He is unwavering and unshakable. He is good and He gives good gifts.

Those truths have helped me through hard, unexpected moments. I didn’t see “it” coming. I couldn’t have, really. My world was shaken, but I was able to stand because God is unshakable. I could stand in His shadow, His strength. I’d experienced Him enough to know He is faithful. So as tough as that season was, I knew God would help me through it. And He did.

He allowed me time to rest and grieve. He gave me the gift of processing all my thoughts and emotions with Him, safely, where I could be real and raw and completely vulnerable.

The ability to be ourselves, good, bad, sad, mad, joyful, silly, all of whomever He made us to be and allows us to experience, is a gift He gives us. Be you – beauty and blemishes. We don’t have to be what anyone else wants us to be. We don’t have to put on our poker face and pretend with God. He doesn’t want that. He wants the real you, the real me, surrendered to Him and ready to receive His love, comfort, leading, guiding, teaching, and healing.

God reassures me the dream He gave isn’t dead. It’s just dormant. Sometimes we need to wait. We need to expect the unexpected WILL HAPPEN when we least expect it. Like the first blossoms of spring that turn into a full-on explosion of life as the trees emerge from a long winter, dreams can (and do) jump to life in what can look to outsiders like an overnight “success”. Really, those dreams were cultivated in the deep soil of time spent alone with God preparing us for what’s next.

When we don’t like where things ended, turn the page. God’s not done yet.

I look at how God used that negative, unexpected experience and used it for my good. I don’t think God was the author of what happened to me, but I do think He is writing the last word on it.

I can share this much with you. He took that situation and He worked it for my good. I DO love Him and He was (and is) faithful to His promises.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.─Romans 8:28 NIV

This promise isn’t only for some of us, the “holy ones”, the ones who seem to be so “spiritual”. Nope! The ticket to all things working for our good? All God asks in this promise? That we love Him. He can work with that!

I don’t get a lot of things right, but I do love God. And He worked my situation for the good.

I experienced a very unexpected shift. In this transition I have met people I wouldn’t have otherwise. Some of these people are important to the dream He still has planted in my heart. Others, I have been blessed by. Some, I’ve been able to bless as an Ambassador of Christ doing His work.

There is purpose in where He has placed us.

God is a good Harvester, and He won’t waste any of us or our efforts when we desire to be good soil for Him. He’ll still use us. Wherever we are. I think someone needs to hear that very thing today. God’s not done with you yet! Expect the unexpected sweet one. God has something special for you. The time is near.

Expect the Unexpected – A Present to Treasure

If you’ve lived life in this world for any length of time, it can be easy to become discouraged, and maybe even a little frightened at the state of things.

But God came to save the world. He hasn’t lifted His sovereign hand from this earth, from our lives, or the lives of those we love. We shouldn’t be surprised by the sin of the world and how it’s manifesting. Read the books of prophecy. He told us what to expect. Sin and its consequences aren’t unexpected at all.

Because of sin, He came to save.

When Mary was pregnant with baby Jesus, she treasured up God’s goodness. You can be certain she was not expecting to encounter God the way she did. Who would have thought the most precious gift the world was ever given, would come at the cost she paid? She gave her reputation. She gave her body. She risked her relationship with Joseph to follow the Lord.

And through it all she treasured up the moments she was given with Christ that no one else got to experience. I love that verse so much because it reminds me to treasure Him up too. There are things He’s given me, that He didn’t give to anyone else. Some of these things are hard things, but in them I can see His beauty. I encounter Him. We can each treasure those moments with Him too (even if we don’t love the difficulty).

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.─Luke 2:16-19 NIV (emphasis mine)

Mary had just given birth. Not easy. Painful, in fact. Yet, she treasured up these things and pondered them in her heart. We can learn from Mary.

There are moments God has given me that are sweet, special, sacred, and undeniable. Granted, I never gave birth to Christ, but He has helped me experience His goodness in difficult times. If I hover over the memories too long, tears will spill over, overwhelmed by His goodness in the midst of mess─mine and the world’s.

Remember to share these moments with others. They are for God’s glory. Don’t withhold what He has done.

I pray you encounter these unexpected experiences of God’s goodness in your own life, when you are left with your jaw dropping to the floor in disbelief and overwhelm that God sees you and knows you, that He knows exactly what you need to be encouraged and to feel loved.

Deeply loved.

I think if we peered into the well of God’s love for us, we couldn’t see the depth of it. We’d expect there was a limit, because we have limits and they can be pushed. But God’s love for us is never ending.

The faithful love of the LORD never ends!

His mercies never cease.

Great is his faithfulness;

his mercies begin afresh each morning.

I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance;

therefore, I will hope in him!” ─Lamentations 3:22-24 NLT

Treasure it up in your heart, sweet one, much like Mary did when she was expecting baby Jesus. Expect Him to show up in your life too. He is birthing something beautiful.

I pray Jesus celebrates so many mountaintop moments with you that your faith runs deep, so deep that people see Christ’s reflection in you.

That seems kind of crazy to expect God trusts us enough to be His ambassadors of love. But He does! His trust in us might feel foreign and unexpected. Embrace it and let His grace guide you. Don’t put pressure on yourself to perform. Let Him show you who He’s assigned to you. Let Him show you how. Follow His lead.

Love is an unexpected lesson we can all learn. We are to give it, and we get to receive it. What if the person who needed it most didn’t get it, because we didn’t do our part? What if that person is US in this season? That’s okay too. Give. Receive. There’s a season for everything, even as there’s nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 3).

Know this. A situation may feel unexpected to us, but God is never surprised by our circumstances. Celebrate with Him in moments of joy. Run to Him in moments of trial. He is faithful to be with us in tragedy and triumph. We can expect His presence to carry us through every season.

Be blessed this Christmas season, sweet one. Let the wonder of the season instill wonder in your heart for Christ.

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Intimacy: Life in Relationship

07.09.2019 by Jennifer Howe //

Welcome to Facets, friend. This month we’re thinking about intimacy in marriage, but I think we’ve discovered truths that apply to a variety of relationships. If you’re single or single again, please don’t run away quick. Find the nuggets from the posts that work in life and apply them. Better yet, think about kicking ideas around with us in the comments. We’d all love to hear your thoughts!

Can I be honest? The topic of intimacy has appeared more than once at Facets, and I (Jennifer) practically break out in a cold sweat every time I know we’re leaning into it. Tracy and Kim gently and joyfully support me as I tip-toe into the water. I’ve shared with my closest friends why I want to balk, just not publicly because I usually feel shame. It’s time to be appropriately vulnerable. I guard the sensitive details of my story, and I keep my “dirty laundry” where it belongs. I endured several forms of relational abuse long before I met my husband, and as much as I’d love to say it’s all in the past, painful things can echo into the present. I’m some distance from writing on “love-is-a-three-letter-word” or relational vulnerability with any strength.

Can I also be candid? We need an inner circle of friends to be gut-level honest with. When inner voices try to convince us the past is a living, fire-breathing dragon overwhelming the present and future, we need strong women to speak truth: the God of the universe is the God who was, is, and is to come—the One who knows our past, present, and future. Only He can heal our heart, mind, body, and soul. He deals with the root emotions that interfere in relationships. My root emotion is often fear. By God’s grace, I’m growing in vulnerability with my inner circle.

Friend, if you struggle with a healthy view of the topic of relational intimacy at any level, know this—I see you, and now you see me. I’d do coffee with you if I could.

Now, on to a fuller definition of intimacy…

It’s vulnerable to be intimate in every context of relationship. I’m not focusing on the physical here (which I feel is the most vulnerable). Revealing my true self to another allows someone to see into the deeper parts reserved for safe people. There’s the crux of it: opening up to safe people. Not everyone proves to be safe. A choice looms—will I do life alone or in relationship? I might prefer to take on the world alone, but that’s not in relationship. Keeping the independent, survivor-thriver mindset in the space where intimacy should be kills anything that might live there. (I’ve had experience with that.)

Relationship: it takes two.
Synergy. That’s what happens when two people come together, share a common goal, and do more together than they could alone. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. That can happen in healthy relationships. A romantic path often starts at friendship and winds through dating to unity in marriage, but every healthy relationship can be synergistic.

The best parts of an intimate relationship’s early days might be like mine with Tony: long, late-night talks at Denny’s, falling asleep during phone conversations before bed, and “date nights” over dinner at home. At the friendship level frequent, long coffee conversations can be a springboard to deeper connection. It’s all about regular, appropriately vulnerable communication in relationship. Some believe the early connection “magic” is brief, and that makes sense. It’s all new and fun, and difficult conversations haven’t hit the radar. Yet.

Common threads.
The strongest threads in a relationship are the common ones. My husband and I shared many things in the beginning: life at church, forty or so junior high students in youth group, and singing on a team together. When we no longer spent time with the students, and when we no long sang together, what was left? Church life and home life. One of the most meaningful friendships in my life began with writing, parenting, and a 3-day training, but it eventually encompassed much more. All that’s necessary for a relationship to go deeper is regular, safe communication. I learned it didn’t require large chunks of time, just intentionality.

Close relationships begin over common threads, but one thing stands out to me: connections that focus on an activity may come and go; those that focus on the person and regular, safe connection flex with age, stage of life, and skill set.

Responsibility is shared.
“Sin-ergy” is my made-up word. I used to say wicked-quick and matter-of-factly, “Marriage is double the sin in half the space.” In the worst moments, I’d tag with, “Quit sinning in my space.” (Not proud of that.) The reality is, two people in relationship likely make mistakes or act in ways contrary to God’s design (sin), and it may or may not be intentional. Challenges are givens.

When things go sideways in relationship, responsibility to repair is shared. Truthfully, when I feel like the problem isn’t my fault, I can find it easier to consider chess moves and word weapons, stew over the situation, or walk away and wait for someone to say something. That’s shirking my part, and I want to fight the urge to be self-centered in those ways.

Friend, if we are reconciled to God through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, let’s bring God’s reconciliation into every human relationship. (See 2 Corinthians 5.) Be reconciled to God, your spouse, and others.

Fight for—not with.
The best wisdom I’ve heard sort of culminates in those four words. When drift happens, and it will, there’s a response. It’s not uncommon for big emotions to take center stage.

“I didn’t get married for this.”
“The busyness is killing me. Do you know how lonely I am?”
“The children…”
“I never see you anymore.”

When big emotions gain momentum in my life, there’s a word that pops up: I. When I choose to fight for me, that’s not intimacy. It’s divisive and polarizing; I’m fighting with another. When I choose to come alongside and engage for the relationship and the other person, that’s connecting and fighting for another.

‘For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.’ Deuteronomy 20:4

God does that for us, and we should do it for the people in our lives. Go with. Fight for. Defeat enemies together. Share the victory.

You & me and God makes three.
I can’t “fake it till I make it” in relationship. (I’ve tried.) An appropriately vulnerable, intimate relationship between two flawed people has challenges. I’m certain God’s beautiful design for vulnerability and intimacy in relationship requires His presence. The Designer offers a blueprint to relationship which we can follow by reading what the Bible has to say about relationship to Him and the people in our lives. Every relationship can be a cord of three, in my mind.

We might think about these things as we hope to grow in relational intimacy:

Come out of hiding to connect authentically with another.
Find an inner circle to be gut-level honest with.
Leverage common threads, but focus on the other person beyond any activities.
Fight for one another through healthy connection and reconciliation.
Remember God’s design can guide and heal every relationship (especially spousal).

Thanks for reading. I just want you to know how precious it is to reach you through Facets. It’s an honor to share! Will you share your heart with us? Pop a comment below or at our Facebook Page. Know someone who would love to read Facets? Share away!

We Are Family: Finding and Getting to Know Your Family

02.12.2019 by Jennifer Howe //

Welcome to Facets! We’re glad you dropped by. We think you’ll enjoy this month’s topic: finding family. Tracy shared about finding family through a DNA test, Kim is crafting thoughts for next Tuesday, and the following week we have a guest to introduce.I (Jennifer) have memories: playing outside until dusk in the little suburban neighborhood; games of football, frisbee, and tag in a vacant lot across the street; neighborhood kids in that lot after school, Saturday afternoons, and more often in the summer. When the street light on our corner lit up, it was time to go home.

I, with my short legs, wanted to tag along with my older sisters; truth is, as a little sister, I wasn’t cool enough to run with the big kids. I’d show up, only to be sent home. That stage went on for at least three forevers.

In a blink, the oldest sister was off to school, then the second. By then I was drowning in turbulent high school years that transitioned into college chaos. The last sister was on her own journey four years later.

The nest eventually emptied; we all found our flight patterns. I migrated furthest away. We still gather when we can, and I’ve found the transition in these years to be refreshing. It’s been a long time coming, this season we’re in.

You can live with people and never know them.
Never assume. Lesson learned. I lived nearly 18 years with my sisters and thought I knew every detail about them. The truth is I held a caricature of each sister in my mind. One was “the smart, responsible one.” Another was “the smart, social one.” Another was “the super-talented one who could do anything.” Those descriptions were accurate. The distorted caricature took shape over layers of sibling arguing and competition.

Lately, the time spent with family has been different. We’ve flown and grown. Time apart allowed for new experiences and individual growth. I’m not the same person. But, guess what! They aren’t the same either. Some threads in the fabric are distinct, maybe bolder or shinier than they were. The character traits are intricately woven. Many threads have changed or been removed altogether, a little like intricate cutwork. Much of who I am (and who my sisters are) may come from our shared environment as kids, but now I know we didn’t experience the same things in the same way. Many life-changing experiences were never shared at all.

Three phone calls changed my relationships.

Road trips are revealing.
Two phone calls on very different days.

The first asked if I was willing to go on a road trip to Massachusetts. I had spent time with my sister, but nothing as long or in such small space. I had the time, and I love road trips. We’d do a little sight seeing, but there was a new baby to see, too. An adventure! With a sister? Okay. Our rental car had no key fob, stormy weather followed us east for two days, and we talked most of the way. I, being an early riser and too noisy, learned about my sister’s morning routine. And we had fun, except for that one morning. (I learned to be quieter!)

I wouldn’t have traded the experience for anything! Driving through two days of downpour, almost running out of gas, the precious newborn, the walks through Boston, the once-in-a-lifetime lunch. All of it is treasure!

The second call was different. The road trip was short enough to do in a day, but long enough to make it difficult. This one was tricky; the “official ask” didn’t come. I made the assumption I wasn’t needed but took it back when a voice whispered, “Would you write about finding your family without leaning in here?” No. No, I wouldn’t. We padded the trip with a relaxed evening, knowing a long day waited on the other side of sleep. An evening, a long day with a mission, and driving home overnight. That’s an opportunity to get to know someone.

This trip was different: there were moments when it was just two sisters, and then there was extended time with a third family member I spend no time with. And it was all really good, as tough as the trip was. We were short on time and long on miles. The weather would shift, but it was tough to know how and when. Add snow to the end of a long drive, and it just wears on a driver. We did it, though. And for me, finding family on this trip was about little conversations in pockets and longer conversations when the hours crawled.

I wouldn’t trade the road trips for anything. I learned shared experience isn’t completely shared. The caricatures I held in my mind cracked, and pieces began to fall away when I understood my sisters’ perspectives. The relationships between us have been shifting for years—they still need tending to grow—but I can see and understand why things became tense and how they can become healthy. I simply agreed to a couple of road trips.

Share the best me with family.
In less than a month I’ll celebrate one of those birthdays—you know, one where the math gets really simple to calculate the age. *wink* I’m not that little girl running after my sisters’ crowd anymore. My legs aren’t too short—they touch the ground when I’m standing, and I can wear four-inch heels. My natural, metallic roots were given the freedom they always wanted. I’m more comfortable in my own skin. (It’s about time!)

I’ve learned lessons in this stage, and each one is precious! This one (presenting my best self with family) was harder. In order to do it, I had to offer the real me, something JEN-uine. I can’t be on a hunt to find my family without offering authentic me.

Families may play a wicked game of “best self” with overdone, fake, cleaned-up images. No one is interested in that, but authenticity and vulnerability only happen in safe places. That means listening more than speaking, noticing more than ignoring, and validating more than preaching, teaching, or explaining. And then there’s taking ownership of the “stuff.”

The “best me” gets real and accepts all the ridiculous shortcomings.
The third call was hard. I dialed a sister who had to be deeply wounded by my words and actions. I was aware, and I wanted to try to repair. It was a good conversation. There was the initial brush-off that can happen when one asks forgiveness, but I pressed in gently. I asked about the pain and emotions connected to my words and actions. I apologized. We both cried. I found family in another way.

We lose relationships over years of disconnection. Ignored hurts are relational landmines, and those are only deactivated in quiet, intimate, carefully-selected moments. Beneath the rubble of a harsh past lies a potentially beautiful future for family. It takes time and intention.

Friend, I don’t know your story—but we have been placed in families, and it can be amazing and wonderful and challenging (and downright hard!). Have you gone looking for your family? Do you know them? Really know them? I find the search to be tough when I haven’t taken time to listen, notice, and validate; but it’s really rich when I do.

Thanks for reading all these words, friend! I’d love to know more about your own journey to finding family. Will you comment below or the Facebook Page?

P. S. Check the comments for additional thoughts on finding family from me!